And so this is it...!

[mysticflea]

Well, my wife and I have had difficulties in our marriage for a while. We have seperated and reunited 3 times before, but this time she has gone for good. I am in rough shape now. We have two little girls who are my life and I miss them being here every day. My wife has moved to her mothers and is decorating rooms for her self and the children. This is ripping me apart, as I deeply am in love with her. The problems just cummulated too much and we tried counselling too late. I never thought this would happen, I had dreams and visions of us growing old together and the talks we had of seperating i never thought would become a reality. I am struggling going to work as my mind is just racing through all the what ifs and why,s, I have lost interest in work although I have a good job. I need to keep working to support myself and maintain the home for my kids.

It may seem like we all say this but I feel i will never recover. I understand it has only been a week since she left but I know she has gone for good. We are still friends and that makes it worse I think, obviously better for the kids but Every time I see her I get so emotional. She is trying to distance herself from me I can tell and that also hurts. Damnnit everything hurts.

I hope down the line this gets better but as of now it feels like everything is pointless. I am seeing my kids a lot almost split time and this will continue, but I worry about keeping a home for them financially. I fear the day i see her with someone else, right now that would be too much to take. Tell me it gets better and life goes on, I would like to hear your own stories, as I feel like i,m the lonliest guy in the world.

The seperation was no ones fault, just we became so icompatible she says. I miss her.

[bkz]

I feel for ya and I can say it will get better but I know it doesnt feel that way. I know how it feels to loose interest in everything inclucing work, it just all seems pointless and like recovery isnt possible but in time it is. Ive been seperated for going on 2 months now and until I started detaching and taking care of myself, really more finding myself through all of this, I was a MESS!!! Im doing much better and feel that no matter what happens with me and my wife i'll be fine.

 

If your not allready going then go to councelling for yourself. Thats something thats helped me tremendously through this whole thing. Also no matter how hard it is and I know its REALLY hard make sure to take care of yourself by doing things you enjoy and spending quality time with your kids. Spending time with my kids helps alot but at times even thats been difficult for me.

 

Wish I had more to offer but trust me things will get better, hang in there!!!!

[Trimmer]

I'm right there with bkz - For me, it's 10 months after D-day, and 7 months since our final decision to end our marriage. It was really bad at first, but it was a kind of a rollercoaster, and during the occasional good moments, on the occasional good day, I could kind of soak it up and store that away and remember it, so that even when it got bad, I could remind myself that it does get better. You are still really early in the process (sorry!), but over time, the good moments will get longer, and they will come more often, and once you recognize that pattern, it starts to get easier.

 

Ultimately, I found that detaching from my wife, and accepting a new vision of the future was a key turning point for me. It let me focus forward and start controlling my life again, instead of looking backward and living in pain over what was happening to me. Not that you should ignore the past - you will need to grieve and be angry, or whatever comes along, but ultimately, you will focus on your future.

 

My kids were a big part of that, both of my fear and anger when it all started to happen, and of my emergence into the vision of my future that I eventually found. When this all started, I was frightened, deeply scared of being a father without my wife as my partner in that endeavor. Not to sound too much like Yoda from Star Wars, but with that fear came great anger, directed at my wife. And for a while, it was dragged out by a denial that this was really happening. Once I worked through and understood the anger a little bit with my counselor (which, like bkz, I also recommend), and accepted that this was really happening and final, I reached a kind of a calm sadness that felt so much healthier than the anger. In that state, I could recognize, grieve, and even honor what I had lost without it being smothered in anguish and rage.

 

And at that point, I also started to get back my confidence as a father, as an individual. Partly because I took a very pragmatic view: I am their father, I need to be a good father because I believe they deserve nothing less, therefore, clearly I will be a good father. Obvious, when you think it through. And now that I have emerged from the haze and have my confidence back, I have rediscovered my great joy at being father of these wonderful children.

 

And as far as being "friends" with your wife/STBX, it's a good starting point, but in time, I wanted to make sure that I wasn't still clinging to some last vestige of her as my best friend/spouse. What worked for me is to kind of divide my wife up into different characters. She is/was my spouse who decided to leave me; she is a business partner with whom I own a number of assets, including a house, as well as various debts, etc... And she will always be linked to me as my co-parent, mother of our children.

 

Once I really accepted that my spouse was gone, I stopped trying to cling to that by imagining still being best friends, buddies, whatever, spying on her to try to figure out what she was doing with her life, etc... For me, accepting that that person was GONE was another important component of my moving on.

 

Now, as a business partner, we still have some things to do to sell the house, divide up the financial stuff, etc, but this gets easier if you can treat her, during those discussions, as a business partner, and don't let the "spouse dynamic" creep in. You are working together to maximize the financial outcome and benefit to both partners, don't try to cheat each other or pull anything over...

 

Then as co-parent, I am lucky that I still believe and trust that she is a good parent, and we both clearly want the best for our children. So we have created a schedule and protocols that we both respect, but we also exhibit flexibility, and keep our focus, as co-parents, on making things work for the children. When I am dealing with her as a co-parent, once again, I do my best to keep the "spouse dynamic" out of it...

 

I also want to make it clear that while I am doing everything I can for my kids with great joy and enthusiasm, and while, of necessity, much of my life is focused on them, I am not building my whole identity around them (what a burden to put on their little shoulders!) I think it is also important- for all of us - that I have a vision of myself as an individual - it may well be my submerging my identity only within the roles of husband and father that led to the stalemating of our marital relationship in the first place. So in this process, don't forget to strive for balance, and work to find out once again who you are as an individual. You'll hear this advice all over the place here on LS, but take some of this time to work on yourself.

[mysticflea]

Thanks folks,

I just wish i could fast forward six months and get all this emotional stuff out of the way. I,ll update as i go through this!

[Trimmer]

This may not help at the moment, but one of the things that gives me strength now is the very fact that I did go through that period. Right now, if you could do an "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" on me and erase the last 8 months, I wouldn't want it at all, because it's the very memory of where I have been that sharpens my appreciation for where I am now. I know that's probably not a real immediate help, but if it gives a little hope... You will get through it, and you will probably feel like you are even better than you were before, once you're out the other side.

 

Have you thought about counseling (for yourself)? Are you open to that?

 

What things can you recognize in the near term that are positives in your life? Your kids, for example? Look for things that you treasure that aren't going anywhere...

[dgiirl]

mysticflea, it does get better. Even tho this past week has been absolutely horrible for me, I can gaurantee you that it had got better and it will if I just fight the depression away. And that's what you need to do. Cry as much as you want, but monitor yourself and make sure you dont go down that dark alley. Pay attention because you can feel the depression grab you, but you can fight it off and be determined to make things better no matter what happens. In the very beginning, I forced myself to get out of bed every day (weekends included), dressed and showered and OUT of the house. I knew if I stayed at home, I'd fall. So I refused to do it. I'm struggling at this very moment, so my advice might not be that helpful, but trust me, we are strong enough to fight it. It will get better, it just takes time. It might take you a few weeks, a few months, or a year, but if you actively refocus your thoughts onto you and not her, you will get better. It's what helped me this past year. I just got knocked down a few days ago, but I will get back up. And I'm stronger now than i was a year ago, so it'll be easier to break out of the depression. I learned the lessons of breaking out already, I just need to put it back into practice. Remember to love yourself and be kind and patient to yourself and if you cry, so be it. Accept yourself and work on YOU.

 

Also, listen to Trimmer and bkz. They gave some very good advice.