Another Love but not IN Love Story

[Billy Bob]

She's said things like she should just go ahead and f*** him because that's the way I'm treating her and what does it matter what she does now that I know the marriage is over and she won't change her mind. UGH!

 

Please take her advice and give up.. the other man is not the problem, don't even bother talking to him as it will just come across as you trying to control her. He is not the issue, your wife is. Don't blame him for any of your problems, he may be an idiot, but your wife is causing your maritial issues, not him. Keep your communication open with her, not him.

 

The only way she will ever come back to you is if you stop giving a s*** and go on with your life as if you don't need her. Right now she sees you as jeleous and pathetic and controlling. I would move out and serve her with at least legal seperation papers. You have to pop her fantasy bubble, she has to see you mean business and that she will be stuck with 6 kids and be a single parent.

 

No guy in his right mind would ever hook up/marry/date a woman with 6 kids. Trust me with 6 kids, some in diapers, she will not find any other guy to take care of her, most guys will run the other direction as fast as they can. She is absolutely nuts playing games with you like she is. The games have to stop now! Force it to a head, just pack your suitcases and leave, stop paying the mortgage, let her move with the kids into the OM house (heh heh, it won't happen.. really)

 

You are in fantasyland as well, your letting your wife treat you like this. You are giving her all this power.. She thinks she can treat you like absolute dogs*** and you'll keep crawling back. You have to bring this to climax or your just going to keep getting f***ed.

 

Tell her to go ahead and screw the OM, that you don't give a s*** anymore and that he can have her. Trust me, as soon as you stop giving a s*** about her, she is going to have to face reality.

 

The OM probably has enough trouble taking care of his own kids, he is not going to help her take care of her 6 kids. See the light! You wife has nowhere to go, she is sitting in her fantasy world and she has dragged you into it with her.

 

Just leave her a note that the OM can have her and that your leaving for a few days to think about things, pack your stuff and dissappear for 2 or 3 days. Her mind will go racing for the entire time you are gone. Don't worry about her screwing the OM, if she wanted to do that she already has.

 

You need to get this finished one way or the other or your just going to go nuts. I know your hoping she will come to her senses and realize she really needs you and how much you truley love her, blah, blah, blah.. She is playing mind games with you right now and telling you its over, maybe she should f*** the OM, etc.. Call her bluff.

 

Call her bluff, if she doesn't perform an about face and try to get back with you, apologize, etc.. then it is truley over and you (by calling her bluff) have finally gotten some truth/finality to the situation and can move on to greener pastures. If she does really want to save the marriage and comes crawling back, you will then be in control, not her. You tell her the OM is history, etc..

 

You have to get serious and end the BS. Don't give her options or tell her you want to talk, etc.. Just tell her your leaving for a while. Tell her you can contact you through your brother or someone if there is an emergency. Don't give her the satisfaction of calling her and checking in.

 

Remember, If she is dumping you and probably wants custody of the kids, she is the one who will be screwed. You will be obligated to have the kids every other weekend and pay child support. You can move on with your life, date, hang out with the guys, etc.. She will be completely immobilized by 6 kids. Sure you will be poor, but who really cares. You will be able to find happiness, she is throwing her chance away.

 

OK, I'm kind of rambling.. but your situation hits a nerve. You need (especially for your health) to end this unhealthy situation one way or another.

 

You need to stop waffling

[Ladyjane14]

Your situation is no different today than it was a month ago. What's different is YOU.

 

You're responding to stress. You're not sleeping well, and you're listening to your wife's babble, then internalizing it. Don't forget, your response to the stress IS within your control. If you're not in control of your emotions... then they are in control of you, right?

 

You have two choices before you: One.... call it a day and sue her for divorce. Or two.... get control of yourself and start working the program.

 

Your indecision regarding the marriage itself is making your situation worse. Deep down, I don't think you're really sure anymore what it is that you truly WANT. Your confusion will continue to undermine you until you make a solid decision.

 

I don't want to fight with her, but I feel like I can't go on like this.

 

You can't always avoid conflict. Sometimes when you do.... you're just an ostrich burying his head in the sand. But.... today is NOT the day for fighting. You need to start feeling better first.

 

Why don't you give your doctor a call and see what you can do about that insomnia? It's too difficult to make good decisions when your body is stressed from lack of sleep.

 

Once you've resolved the sleep issue, give your lawyer another call and make an appointment for a consult. Stack the deck in your favor by taking control of your family's financial future.

 

After you've seen your lawyer, and you've devised a plan to protect yourself..... lay down the law. Once you've got the consequences ready, you're ready to set the boundaries.

 

You know, one of my personal boundaries is that I'm NOT going to be leg-shackled to a person who doesn't want to be with me. So, if my husband wants me to stay in the marriage with him, he has to be cognizant of that fact.

 

It's up to you to decide when 'enough is enough', but make sure you do it right. Don't snip your nose off to spite your face.

[Billy Bob]

It's funny that she's being very polite and nice, but distant. I think she's withdrawing more into her fantasy bubble. She's living in her fantasy and on my dime! I need to pop that bubble, but I also don't want to disrupt my whole family life. This completely freaking sucks.

 

Thats your problem.. you don't want to disrupt your family life.. She apparently doesn't have a problem disrupting your life! To resolve this, you are going to have to shake things up.. pop her fantasy bubble. Tell her you have finally accepted that she no longer values the marriage and then just walk away. Shoot, I'd tell her that you need a few days to compose yourself, walk out the door and tell her that your going to see a lawyer about a legal seperation. Just get in your car and drive away. Take away her controll for a few days.

 

Do not back down unless she comes crawling back and swears she will never talk to the other man again. She is not stupid, she knows that your upset about your family unit breaking down, she knows your worried about your kids, she knows your jeleous about the OM, but she is in control and loving it. She is loving pushing your buttons.

 

The tables will be turned when 1. She can't push your buttons, 2. She thinks you do not care anymore. 3. She has to face reality without you to support her.

 

This is all about control, you need to completely take hers away, this will cause her bubble to pop. I know your worried about the kids, but you have to do what you have to do.

 

Your marriage as you knew it is probably over for good. If you do have a chance for her to come crawling back, you need to take action fairly soon. Every day this situation persists puts more water under the bridge and makes things more and more difficult to patch up (if they even can be).

 

Form a drastic plan of action and follow it. What you have been doing so far has not worked.

[Gunny376]

Based upon the fact that I went through the same thing ~ almost verbaitim ~ sixteen years ago ~ along with all the crap that came down AFTER the divorce ~ I'm inclined to agree with CTA. I tried the "A" plan for three freaking years ~ while she played me along ~ shopping for my replacement.

 

I disagree with CTA in that I wouldn't leave. I would contact a lawyer ~ get everything lined up to where I had tempoary control and custody of the martial assets and children, until the court date, (Possession is 9/10th's the law ~ The Golden Rule ~ He Who Has The Gold ~ Makes The Rules) and then as close to the court date as possible ~ I'd have her served ~ and evicted from the residence (speak with your lawyer about it) and then once she was served and evicted ~ I'd have a locksmith standing by to change the locks on everything. And, have a security system put in.

 

This accomplishes several things at once

 

1. It absolutely puts in back in control of the situation, your emotions, your life, and puts you back on the road to mental and emotional health.

 

2. It would most definately burst her little bubble. Reality has teeth ~ and they most definately bite you in the azz!

 

3. You can negotiate the actual divorce ~ from a position of strength

 

4. You're no longer emasculated ~ you've got your manhood, self respect, dignity, self pride, self esteem back.

 

5. Better to be the one that does the dumping than the one that gets dumped ~ trust me on this one ~ it could possibly devastate you for years!!!!!!!!

[Billy Bob]

I don't think there's been anything physical since I caught them kissing that once, but they do speak on the phone and text every day. Is that enough? Will people understand how wrong this is?

 

Do you realize how dumb you sound? You caught this guy kissing your wife months ago. She is rubbing your face in it. She probably has no repect for you as a man right now. I'd risk money that she's been banging him already.

 

How can you respect a guy who tolerates you cheating with the guy next door? Sorry to say you are coming across as the most spineless guy she probably knows.

 

Yeah, shake things up a bit, just flat out tell someone (maybe a joint family friend) your leaving your wife because shes f-ing the OM next door, walk out and dissappear for 3 days. Don't confront the OM, it will get back to your wife what you said. Let her sit around for 3 days dealing with the aftermath.

[DesperateDad]

Thanks so much for the advice, everyone. I really appreciate it.

 

I've been wavering between terror and rage for weeks now and it's taking it's tole on me. I think I'll start with your advice, LJ and try to do something about getting more sleep. I'll be able to deal with things a lot better and think more clearly then.

 

Gunny and cta, your suggestions make sense, too. I think staying at the house rather than leaving is probably a better idea. I actually would like to have more custody of the kids (50% if possible) if it comes down to it.

 

Having her served with papers would really shock her since she knows I don't want a divorce. I really don't think she is in any shape to take any legal action against me unless she is hiding money, which she swears she's not. She has no income other than my paycheck and the child support from her first marriage (one child) and I don't think anyone other than the OM will be willing to help her out financially, considering the situation.

 

The problem with the OM is that he's NOT in his right mind. He's just about through with a nasty divorce from his wife who still lives with him across the street from me! Talking to my wife has been his main escape from the stress of his relationship falling apart. My wife admits that she isn't telling him the truth about what's happening between us because she's afraid it will scare him off. How about that?! That's why I think if I told him that he's that big a problem, there's a halfway decent chance he might back off.

 

It's true that I'm having trouble with what I want right now and a big part of that is that I DO love her, but I DON'T like her like this. She has always been awesome when things are going well. If things will get better between us, then I want to try to make it work. If she won't meet me halfway, then it's going to have to be over.

[Gunny376]

"My wife admits that she isn't telling him the truth about what's happening between us because she's afraid it will scare him off."

 

"Hey Pal! I've got some news you could use!"

 

Emotionally your wife is playing Russian Roulette with your head ~ its cruel torture! Its mental and emotional abuse, and is the leading cause wives use for filing for divorce!

[Billy Bob]

I disagree with CTA in that I wouldn't leave. I would contact a lawyer ~ get everything lined up to where I had tempoary control and custody of the martial assets and children, until the court date, (Possession is 9/10th's the law ~ The Golden Rule ~ He Who Has The Gold ~ Makes The Rules) and then as close to the court date as possible ~ I'd have her served ~ and evicted from the residence (speak with your lawyer about it) and then once she was served and evicted ~ I'd have a locksmith standing by to change the locks on everything. And, have a security system put in.

 

Gunny, He's not going to be able to get her evicted, she's still living in the house with him and the children.

 

I'm just advocating for him to leave (without the children) for 2-3 days. Not advocating that he move out, jsut go stay at a hotel for a few days. He needs to pop her fantasy bubble, she keeps playing off the OM, he needs to stop giving her that control. By telling her that he doesn't care and that the OM can have her, she loses that piece of her control over him.

 

By leaving the house for a few days and not checking up on her it shows her that he really does not care if she is with the other man (she loses control). If as she claims the OM is just her friend (kissing buddies?), then DesperateDad has nothing to worry about anyway right?

 

If on the other hand she and the OM are doing the courtship dance, let them have each other for a few days. Gunny, you and I know it isn't going to last between her and the OM. He's going through divorce with kids, she had 6 kids with four? in diapers. Sounds like living hell to me. Shoot at this point, with the way she has been treating DesperateDad, I'd hope she and the OM actually hit it off and played "8 is Enough" so DesperateDad could rebuild his life.. Let OM support her.

 

DesperateDad, you need to face the facts that your marriage as you knew it is over. Start setting up your new future. Maybe your looking at having your kids on the weekends or every other weekend. Maybe thats not what you envisioned, but thats life.

 

From an outsider looking in - your wife is not going to be able to replace you. She has 6 friggin kids! Most guys run from single, divorced women with two kids. Right now she is in a fantasy world because OM is flirting with her (or screwing her?). He is not going to support her and your 6 kids. This is a little fantasy relationship they are having.

 

Give her what she wants. Tell her to go ahead and be with the other man if thats what she wants, tell her you don't care anymore. The only way you are going to keep your wife (if you even still want her???) is to let her go.

 

Oh, and don't worry about pushing her into the arms of the OM. She's already having an affair (emotional or physical) with him. If she truley wanted to be physical with him, then she is already doing it.

[DesperateDad]

Wow, cta. You're hard core! What you're saying actually makes some sense. I DO feel spineless. You're right that I sound stupid when I say that stuff.

 

Reading what you and the others have written has kind of snapped me out of the panic mode I was in and I feel more in control now. That's it, though. I get totally freaked out when I feel like I'm not in control.

[Gunny376]

good stuff. As I said I take 2 5 mg tablets (I was taking three ~ but that was too much folr me) I take them ~ they make you the kind of drozy that you feel when you stay up and watch a movie past your normal bedtime, and you go right to sleep, without your mind laying there turning over and over about your problems. Next morning you wake up ~ I wake up without an alarm clock for the first time in YEARS!

[Billy Bob]

The problem with the OM is that he's NOT in his right mind. He's just about through with a nasty divorce from his wife who still lives with him across the street from me! Talking to my wife has been his main escape from the stress of his relationship falling apart. My wife admits that she isn't telling him the truth about what's happening between us because she's afraid it will scare him off. How about that?! That's why I think if I told him that he's that big a problem, there's a halfway decent chance he might back off.

 

Do you think the OM gives even the tiniest s*** about you? He knew he was kissing your wife.

 

Dang, DesperateDad, your right. Stop being a pussy. Just march over and tell the scumbag (in front of his wife if she is around), that he can have her, you don't want her anymore. You have to pop the bubble dude!

 

Right now both the OM and your wife are playing a little forbidden love game that is total bulls***. Don't worry about what the neighbors will say, don't worry about what the kids will hear... your past all that.

 

No f***ing way the OM is going to really want to support your wife and her 6 kids as well as deal with his own stbxw and kids.

 

I hate to see you putting yourself through all this. You need some sort of resolution or your health will decline, you will lose your job, etc..

 

So, if it will help bring things to a head (and finally some resolution), go tell the OM that if he wants your wife to let her move in with him or stay the f*** away. Stop being such a nice guy, its getting you nowhere and everyone (your wife, the OM, yourself) is losing respect for you as a man.

 

If you don't want to deal with the OM, just tell the wife she can have the OM, that your through and you will be filing legal seperation or divorce. Take away her control.

 

Oh, and even if you don't do any of the above actions.. Start protecting yourself. Start cutting off her sources of funding. Change the limits on your credit cards, etc.. Start socking away valuables and cash.

[Billy Bob]

Yep, get to the doctor and get some sleeping pills. Lack of sleep is really going to f*** you up.

 

DesperateDad, we are really here to help. A lot of us have been in really similar situations and have gone through the same emotions and tried the same paths to resolution.

 

Its really hard to see the cold truth or think logically when part of you is longing for some sort of fairytale ending where your wife will realize what she has done and that she really truly loves you.

 

At this point, even if that fairytale ending occurs, are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has done and said the things they have to you? Can you ever truly believe again that you can be two halves joined as one happily in marriage everafter? Or at this point would she just be coming back to you, not out of love, but out of financial desperation? Or if she comes back because the OM dumps her, will it be becuase she needs help not just financially, but also raising the kids? When the kids are old enough, who is to say she won't decide she has had enough of you and leave you again?

 

She has told you the marriage is over. Are you really still in love with her or are you in love with your marriage? I would ask myself do I want to continue pursuing and trying to put this back together? Do you want to stay together for the kids (until she decides to leave?) or do you want to find happiness again with someone else who really does love you.

 

You have to realize that no matter what happens, things will never be the same.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm sorry to disagree... but DD is NOT a "pussy" for doing his utter best to keep his family dynamic together.

While it's true that up 'til now, he's presented her with more carrot than stick..... it's never too late.

 

If he leaves the home for even ONE DAY.... he's left the home, and depending on where he lives she's got him for abandonment. She'll more than likely be able to keep him from coming back too, but at the minimum, she'll use his absence to forward her own agenda.

 

Gunny's right, DD. If you get a leg-up on the legal maneuvers, you can get control of your situation. But I want you to address your sleep deprivation first. It won't hurt a thing to go ahead and book your legal appointment in the meantime though.

 

You said earlier:

It's true that I'm having trouble with what I want right now and a big part of that is that I DO love her, but I DON'T like her like this. She has always been awesome when things are going well. If things will get better between us, then I want to try to make it work. If she won't meet me halfway, then it's going to have to be over.

 

I hope you realize that your are giving away control of YOUR decisions when you leave the ball in her court.

[SoleMate]

If he leaves the home for even ONE DAY.... he's left the home, and depending on where he lives she's got him for abandonment.

Ladyjane, this may differ from state to state. In California, and most places I know, leaving the home for a vacation or a few days away is NOT legal abandonment. Abandonment would only occur if:

 

* He withdrew financial support

* He set up a new domicile elsewhere

* He stated that he was abandoning his family

* He went away with no contact (no visits, phone or mail for 6-12 months)

 

Yes, he can take a vacation with NO legal repercussions. I am afraid that there may be emotional and family repercussions, however. Him leaving gives the WW and OM and free hand to play "house". Although it does seem as if the 6 kids is a disincentive to the OM, I sure would not count on it.

 

DesperateDad, I do not want you to tolerate or countenance ANY more excursions of your wife with the OM and your kids. Let her know nicely right away that you will stop her taking the kids off to swim etc. in any future attempt. If she goes, she goes alone with the OM and she will be strongly discouraged from re-entering the house. (You can't forcefully prevent her, however.)

 

I'd like to hope that your family can stay together, and I would advise you not to listen to the hardline advice, from cta in particular. Regardless of what one's spouse has done, to require them to come "crawling" back is not constructive. cta is assuming the WORST possible motives on the part of your wife. He is assuming that her actions are calculated to hurt and humilate you. I really doubt this. I think it's much more likely that the inafmour "6 kids/4 in diapers" has taken its toll on her (as well as you) and she is looking for an escape hatch. Far better for the two of you to work as a team.

 

Yes, Job 1 is tossing the OM out one way or another. It appears that you have not even confronted the OM, and I consider this to be essential. No begging, no crying, just a statement that you cannot tolerate or accept what the two of them are doing, and that you will not permit them to be together with your kids any more. And also that if the W goes with OM in his car or house again, that you will not welcome her back home.

[sirjay]

Don't get angry, just make your plans calmly and secretly until you are completely ready and then just drop the whole lot on her in one go. She has absolutely no respect for you at all as a man, you need to take control, big time.

[Ladyjane14]

In California, and most places I know, leaving the home for a vacation or a few days away is NOT legal abandonment. Abandonment would only occur if:

 

* He withdrew financial support

* He set up a new domicile elsewhere

* He stated that he was abandoning his family

* He went away with no contact (no visits, phone or mail for 6-12 months)

 

Yes, he can take a vacation with NO legal repercussions. I am afraid that there may be emotional and family repercussions, however. Him leaving gives the WW and OM and free hand to play "house". Although it does seem as if the 6 kids is a disincentive to the OM, I sure would not count on it.

 

I agree, SoleMate. The circumstances surrounding any departure of the family home would make the difference on the question of abandonment.

 

I just don't want to see DD get bogged down in any kind of game-playing. It's better to stay in the home and in control, than to fight uphill trying to get back in. And he shouldn't vary on his message to his wife either. It's insane to give your spouse that kind of opening. It's tacit permission to cheat.

 

I'd like to see him consulting with his lawyer before he sets out his boundaries though. His words will have teeth when they're backed up by consequences. He can tell his wife that he doesn't authorize contact between his children and the OM, but what can he really do about it? I'd hate to see him give her an opening to get an RO by creating a big emotional scene. I imagine she'll defy him when he sets this boundary. He'll need an advance plan for handling that.

 

My wife admits that she isn't telling him the truth about what's happening between us because she's afraid it will scare him off.

 

I'm also curious as to why OM apparently doesn't apparently realize that he's interfering in someone else's marriage.

[Gunny376]

is right about that one. But the laws do vary from state to state ~ and so you would need to check with an attorney. Here in Alabama its two years.

 

Maybe CTA's right ~ DD perhaps a couple of days away would give you some time and space to clear your head and gain some objectivity, and you exercise the option I would definately keep it to myself, up to including how long I was going to be gone ~ let her sit around and do some wondering for awhilie ~ might even be what you need to shake her up a little. But, UNDER no circumstances would I be leaving the house ~ and I wouldn't be giving up my children. Me? I'd be going for sole custody.

 

Me? I would be hard corps about it ~ I'd throw her under the bus, and tell Charliene to put the pedal to metal ~ and burn rubber. Not out of meanness, ugliness, to hurt her ~ but to hopefully wake her up to the fact that reality has teeth ~ and its about to get damn awlful ugly about it ~ and it won't be pretty ~ and it won't be fun. And, it won't be something that she will forget for all of her livelong days.

 

And, no man is going ito take on a woman with six children by two other men ~ no freaking way ~ it makes a good Hollyweird movie ~ but it ain't reality. But, ..............................there's a flip side to all of this ~ she just might find somone if you don't get control of the situation ~ if you lay down her, the judge, and her Pitbull lawyer will most definately azz-rape you in divorce court. If you're not careful about it you could end up a one bedroom apartment, eating bologna sandwiches, with the ex-wife getting damn near every dime, along with everything that you own that's worth stealing.

 

I realize that you lover ~ but she's not loving you back the way a wife should. What is more is that you need to come to the stark realization ~ the awakening that it is entirely possible for one person to love and be in love (or so they got themselves convinced) with the very one single person on the planet that is the worse for them, mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. I understand that back in the day ~ she was this and all that ~ but that was then and this is now!

 

And, I've got some beach front property in Arizona for sale if you believe that all of this isn't affecting those children. Don't think they don't know what's going on ~ they're children ~ they're not stupid.

 

CTA ~ chill with the name calling! Not cool! DD can get that at home, up front and personal ~ he doesn't need it here!

[Gunny376]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=90264&page=2

[Billy Bob]

I'd like to hope that your family can stay together, and I would advise you not to listen to the hardline advice, from cta in particular. Regardless of what one's spouse has done, to require them to come "crawling" back is not constructive. cta is assuming the WORST possible motives on the part of your wife. He is assuming that her actions are calculated to hurt and humilate you. I really doubt this.

 

Yeah, I am assuming the worst possible motives. She has told DesperateDad that the marriage is over. He caught her and the other man kissing. She spends all her free time with the other man, obviosly having an emotional affair if not a physical, basically rubbing it in his face day in and day out.

 

She has not indicated that she is confused or working it out. She has indicated that the marriage is over and wants to spend time with this other man.

 

I also wonder where some of the people get this crap about leaving home for a weekend being abondonment.

 

Yes, he can take a vacation with NO legal repercussions. I am afraid that there may be emotional and family repercussions, however. Him leaving gives the WW and OM and free hand to play "house". Although it does seem as if the 6 kids is a disincentive to the OM, I sure would not count on it.

 

DesperateDad needs some emotional and family repercussions! I know I couldn't live in the state he is.. How long does it go on? 3 months 6 months 12 months.... Take a look at posts from that Ditherer guy, he's been putting his wife through hell for about a year with no resolution in site.

 

DesperateDad, you need to take care of yourself and start getting some resolution to these problems one way or another or they will slowly kill you.

 

If your wife wants to play house with the OM, let her. You don't control her, she has every legal and human right to go have a relationship with anyone she chooses to. She can even keep you on the backburner, wrapped around her little finger as well, in case her fantasy bubble pops.

 

She has no accountability for her actions right now! Walking the tightrope is lots of fun as long as that safety net is in place. Remove the safety net and you have to worry about every step. (please read and repeat this quote 10 times DesperateDad)

 

She will keep on playing games until you remove that safety net/grow some balls. She is not working with you to repair the marriage.. what are you waiting for?

 

You have to take some kind of action or you could be in the same position in a month or two months or six months. Can you live like this?

 

I know exactly where you are. Sleeping pills, anti-depressants, problems at work, feeling hopeless. Crying at the thought of losing all you have tried to build up with her. Losing your appetite? I dropped 20 lbs, was nautious quite a bit as well. You feel like you have hit rock bottom. How can the love of your life be doing this to you? Can't she see the pain she is inflicting on you? Where is her empathy? If we could only talk and resolve our issues, you know really communicate. Maybe its hormones, get her to see a physchiatrist. Maybe its her birth control medicine? Bi-polar disorder? Marriage counseling. I'll do whatever it takes to fix this. Clean up around the house, watch the kids, give her more free time... Let her walk all over me..

 

Doesn't work. You know the only way your going to get her back is to let her go. People want what they can't have. Basic Psych 101. Right now she knows she can have you at the drop of a hat. She can kiss the OM right in front of you and you will be spineless and let her. No repercussions. She is like a kid with no rules or disipline. You know the type who control their parents?

 

Can't you see, she knows you don't want a divorce, she knows she can do anything she wants and you will be there. Be a man, there are plenty of women (some probably better looking than your wife) who would love to play house with a guy like you.

 

Give your wife what she wants. If she says the marriage is over, let the marriage be over. If she wants the OM, let her have him. You seem to think you are worth nothing? Your a dependable guy, try to be a good provider, love your kids, try to love your wife.. your a great guy! If she doesn't want you thats her tough s***. If she wants to shack up with 8 kids with a guy who just divorced his wife let her!

 

Find yourself in all of this. I wish I had your options man, you have all the possibilities in the world in front of you. Find a gal that wants to be with only you. Look at the bright side, she is doing you a favor letting you know she wants out, instead of staying in a loveless marriage.

[Gunny376]

Alleination of affection ~ in at least North Carolina ~ he could be sued BIG TIME for it. When I was stationed at Camp Lejune ~ there was a woman who sued her XH's new wife ~ who had been his secretary and had an affair with. The jury awarded a total of about $4,000,000.

[Billy Bob]

Maybe CTA's right ~ DD perhaps a couple of days away would give you some time and space to clear your head and gain some objectivity, and you exercise the option I would definately keep it to myself, up to including how long I was going to be gone ~ let her sit around and do some wondering for awhilie ~ might even be what you need to shake her up a little. But, UNDER no circumstances would I be leaving the house ~ and I wouldn't be giving up my children. Me? I'd be going for sole custody

 

Thats exactly what I was going for. Take away some of her control, let her worry about what your doing for a change. Give her a taste of what reality would be like if you were not there helping with the kids, if even for a couple nights.

 

I don't know about the recommendation of going for sole custody of the kids... I mean I hate to be a realist, but if you really want to be miserable then be a single dad raising 5 kids under the age of 6. I know you love them, but I would resign the fact that she would get custody and you would be a weekend dad. How would a guy care for 5 kids under 6 years old? How would you have a life? Nothing I have read here has implicated that she is not a good mother and that she wouldn't go for her kids in a divorce.

 

At some point she has to think along the same lines? I mean how would she have any semblance of a life without you supporting her (not just financially)? She is in fantasy land.. shake it up!

[Gunny376]

Than it becomes both a tactical and strategic game ~ which each person coming out from their relative positions, and negotiating a amicable settlement. If you give everything away from the git go you don't have anything to negotiate ~ you've conceeded the game ~ before it even begins.

 

Its like buying a car. You walk in and you've got the dealer price on the Moronni Sticker (the sticker on the car window) No way I'm going to pay that price. The dealer wants to put you in the water as far up river as he can (MSRP + Dealer's Prep) and you want to get in the water as far down the river as possible. (Dealer's Invoice ~ what the dealer paid for the car) You give a little, they give a little ~ whoever is the stronger haggler ~ has the most patience ~ comes out on top.

 

DD goes for sole custody ~ he'll get joint. Personally if it was me, myself and I ~ I'd go for sole custody.

 

In my own actual divorce ~ I didn't because a first year law student could have handled it:

 

Lawyer: "Mr Gunny what do you do for a living?"

Me: "I'm a career Marine"

Lawyer: "How many years have you been in the Marines?"

Me: "Sixteen"

Lawyer: "Where have you been this last year?"

Me: "Saudia Arabia ~ Kuwait"

Lawyer: "When will you be going back overseas and what are you going to do with these children ~ when ~ not if ~ when you go?

 

I don't know where this hogwash came from that women and only women can raise children. Or that women are necessarly the best one suited for the job.

 

There's not a woman around that can keep a clearner, more organized house than I, and in my marriage ~ I was the one that did the grocery shopping ~ cooking. My ex-wife couldn't cook anything what didn't come in a can or had "microwavable" on the box.

 

I was the one that picked the children up from the sitters, I was the one that got home. checked the homework, helped with the homework, cooked supper, folded the clothes that I had put in the dryer that morning prior to leaving for work, getting another load going in the wash, got the table set, got the kids their bathes, paid the bills, worked on the cars, picked up the house, clean the bathrooms. When the XW and I separated ~ my 10 year old daughter came to me and said, "Daddy, I sure am going to miss your Sunday dinners!"

 

(I was an only child raised by my faternial grandparents ~ my Grandmother to keep me occupied during the Winter months use to have her help me with canning, putting up preserves, and cooking on a wood burning stove ~ way back up in the woods, along with other household chores. When I got older I had to chop wood, tend the garden, plow the fields, fetch tools to keep my Grandfathers truck running, etc.)

[Gunny376]

After the bills from the marriage, going back to WalMart and buying all that stuff that he's already bought already ~ over again (Thank God its cheaper now than it was the first time you bought it) plus paying child support ~ there's not going to be a whole lot left over for living the life of a Playboy.

 

Statistically the man ends up better financially after a divorce. Not in my case ~ the ex-wife and current DH are were living it up on my child support until three years ago when I got out of the child support business. She went through about 8-10 NEW cars during those years. Now she's driving a 93 Toyota Corrola ~ and working for $7.50 hour as the lunch room lady at the local elementary school ~ Hey! Its a state job, and they take out a mandatory 5% for her retirement ~ heck ~ by the time she retires ~ she should be getting a check for a good $300 - $400 a month ~ easy!

 

The XW ran a number on me ~ in that the guy that she's maarried to now ~ she got the children to calling him "Daddy" and I've had my daughter tell me "My Daddy's done more for me than you have!" (She was 15 and angry with me) My last four years in the Marine Corps ~ I screwed up ~ I re-bounded into a six and half year relationship ~ when what I should have done was stay the Hell out of any relationship with any woman ~ and came home and spent as much time as I could with my kids. I got the double whammy ~ from the Marine Corps ~ because I was the single "Gunny" I deployed more my last four years than the other sixteen put together. Pannama, Cuba, Haiti, Dominican Republic, Nicaragra, Hondurous, Gutalmelia (I'm a lousy speller ~ I mean really bad ~ its some kind of learning block ~ I can do higher mathmatics ~ I just can't spell)

 

Guess who gave my daughter away at her wedding? It wasn't me.

I ate a lot of crow that day!

 

The XW current husband had custody of his one and only child, Tyler. He was four years old ~ his mom was practically not in the child's life. The XW convinced Billy~Bubba to not only give up custody, but to give up his parential rights. That's right ~ he's not seen, nor talked to his son, his one and only true child for fourteen years.

[Billy Bob]

Ahh, were getting a little ahead of ourselves I guess. But DesperateDad, your wife hasn't a clue what she is doing right now. I mean jesus, who in their right mind would break up a family with 6 kids. 5 under seven years old?

 

I can't imagine the work it takes to change diapers, feed, supervise them all the time, just cleaning up after them in general. Maybe Gunny could run them like a squad or something, but I'd find just taking care of my 4 & 6 year olds a daunting task alone. Does your wife even have a clue?

 

If this OM is at all sane he would start running the other direction. I can't imagine any scenario where I would get involved with a woman with 6 kids. He might screw her, but I wouldn't worry about him supporting her.

 

I don't envy your position, and yeah, you probably won't be living the life of a playboy.. but what alternative do you have if the wife says the marriage is over and won't quit her affair? Personally, I'd be happy alone, poor in a crackerbox apartment (with a TV and computer) with a gf than going through this maritial hell. As long as you get to spend quality (not necessarily quantity) time with your kids..

[Billy Bob]

when what I should have done was stay the Hell out of any relationship with any woman

 

I hear you Gunny. Something in me just died after my wife put me through the ringer.. If I do end up getting divorced I am going to take a nice long break from relationships and just live by myself.

 

DD, I want you to look on the bright side... Whatever happens you really do have your whole life still out in front of you. It may seem gloomy right now, but its all a matter of perspective. I was diagnosed with cancer during my maritial problems earlier this year... it puts many things into perspective. Even if you and your wife aren't meant to be together in the future, you can still have a good relationship with your kids and find true love somewhere else. Life can throw some real curveballs at you, you just got to keep swinging till the game is over.