Billy Bob Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I don't know. File immediately? I'm not sure what to do here. All I know is that I can't keep going on like this. We can't sell the house right now and we don't have the money to keep up two residences, either. I don't know what I CAN do. Yes, believe me I hear that you can't go on living like this. if I were in your shoes (unless she stopped seeing the OM today and did a complete turn-around) I would file for divorce and just live as politely as possible under the same roof until you can resolve your housing situation/finalize the divorce. Its going to really, really suck and be really hard, but you will get through it and things will fall into place eventually. She may move out with the OM after you file, thats probably almost better for you.. This is true. But, again, how can I live in this situation if I just tell her to do what she wants? Again, I'm back to acting like nothing bothers me while it's going on right in front of me. What should I do? Its going to bother the hell out of you. She is going to do what she wants regardless what you tell her, by now you should see that you do not control her. She's not in-love with you anymore, for all intents and purposes she is a stranger that happens to have joint custody of your kids with you. You don't have to act as if it doesn't bother you, It doesn't matter at this point, just start making progress (however slow) towards taking care of yourself and your kids and building a new life. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I don't want to get your hopes up or anything.. personally if it were me married to your wife, I'd throw in the towel.. But, I have a strong feeling that when or if you do actually file for divorce her little fantasy bubble will start to deflate if not pop. All the sudden she is going to have to face the reality of her situation.. find out if she really does want the OM, decide whether she truely does want the father of 5 of her kids out of her life. whether she is willing to sell her home or move into an appartment. She might take the divorce filing as an opportunity to start planning a future with the OM, and at that point he may just bail... who knows.. I don't know what is going to happen, but you can be sure that something will. What I wouldn't want is to keep living in purgatory, I'd say bring things to a head and file. Make her be accountable for her decisions, stop being her safety net. I personally think you need to file before you will make any progress with your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lollie72 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 It caused me nightmares as well as little stinging sensations randomly all around my body. I prefer wellburtin or most of all Zoloft(but it will supress your sex drive). Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Is the dummies book pretty helpful? If you know nothing about divorce it is. Its a pretty basic book that just guids you through the process and helps you avoid the pitfalls.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lollie72 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 cta, do you think I did the wrong thing in telling her I don't want her to have any contact with him? I did tell her that for us to live together peacefully in the same house, she would have to abide with this. I also said I knew I couldn't control her. Should I just tell her to do whatever she wants, but not in my house? Your still dealing with someone with a will of her own, and your saying this is like pushing a teenager to rebell.. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I prefer wellburtin or most of all Zoloft(but it will supress your sex drive). I don't think DD is worried too much about a temporary lapse of sex drive:( Link to post Share on other sites
Lollie72 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I don't want to get your hopes up or anything.. personally if it were me married to your wife, I'd throw in the towel.. But, I have a strong feeling that when or if you do actually file for divorce her little fantasy bubble will start to deflate if not pop. All the sudden she is going to have to face the reality of her situation.. find out if she really does want the OM, decide whether she truely does want the father of 5 of her kids out of her life. whether she is willing to sell her home or move into an appartment. She might take the divorce filing as an opportunity to start planning a future with the OM, and at that point he may just bail... who knows.. I don't know what is going to happen, but you can be sure that something will. What I wouldn't want is to keep living in purgatory, I'd say bring things to a head and file. Make her be accountable for her decisions, stop being her safety net. I personally think you need to file before you will make any progress with your situation. This wife gave up on this marriage and it's possible fulfillment for her emotionally long ago, she's just feeling too guilty at the prospect of throwing her kids dad out and causing them to feel abandoned by him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lollie72 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I don't think DD is worried too much about a temporary lapse of sex drive:( I went of it, it also caused a lot of light sensitivity. Link to post Share on other sites
Lollie72 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 This site is giving me more insight into my own situation wtih my spouse an his attitudes. And how they are not appropriate for a sucessful marriage in my opinion. I'mblunt because I see both sides and like to explore both sides. I'm not like the wife that much cheating wise, but I completely know what it's like to have alienation of affection. And a man can have the best intentions but be basically gone day and night and if he doesn't call or let the wife into his emotional world inside his head, it's a type of distancing and shutting her out. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 And a man can have the best intentions but be basically gone day and night and if he doesn't call or let the wife into his emotional world inside his head, it's a type of distancing and shutting her out So? The plan is to divorce Mr. Emotionally-Not-In-Touch and go find another guy that is emotioanlly not in touch. The emotional abuse crap is a bunch of garbage dreamed up by psych's lawyers, femminist, etc. Men are men ~ not women! Dr Phil. "The View" can debate and argue that all that they want, but its still not going to change millions of years of evolution. I'm a man, masculine, and I make no apoglies to anyone for that fact! Link to post Share on other sites
Lollie72 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 So? The plan is to divorce Mr. Emotionally-Not-In-Touch and go find another guy that is emotioanlly not in touch. The emotional abuse crap is a bunch of garbage dreamed up by psych's lawyers, femminist, etc. Men are men ~ not women! Dr Phil. "The View" can debate and argue that all that they want, but its still not going to change millions of years of evolution. I'm a man, masculine, and I make no apoglies to anyone for that fact! Men can play the "silent act" too, they can make decisions behind their spouses back regarding huge things, purchases, etc...which is what mine did and then I get the consequences and get hit over the head with how high the bills are going to be. Then they can say I was thinking.(somehow it was FOR YOU not just for him).... in hindsight telling the woman after they've made the life altering decision completely alone without discussing things with their spouse. The can devistate the relationship financially as in my case by buying boy toys and .... too much of my crap coming out here. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 DD- I did tell ya- you should be handling the money, not her. Period. Take her off the checking account. I read earlier in a post you said you two would sell your house? Don't even think about doing that and freeing up extra cash for her until the divorce papers tell you to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lollie72 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 DD- I did tell ya- you should be handling the money, not her. Period. Take her off the checking account. I read earlier in a post you said you two would sell your house? Don't even think about doing that and freeing up extra cash for her until the divorce papers tell you to do it. Unfortunately he was irresponsible with money. I'm sure this guy absolutely has to take into account his children needing to eat and live.. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I did tell ya- you should be handling the money, not her. Period. Take her off the checking account. I read earlier in a post you said you two would sell your house? Don't even think about doing that and freeing up extra cash for her until the divorce papers tell you to do it. I don't know if he could take her off the joint checking account. I don't think I would do anything too drastic at this point. I'd just cover my butt by making sure I had no large available lines of credit available to her as financial resources. If DD is in the same financial situation as me, most of his monthly income goes towards the mortgage, groceries, utilities.. What you do have to be careful of though, is your wife could run out and buy a new lexus on credit right now and your stuck with half the bill. I'm not saying she would, just that she could. If you can get her to sign divorce papers or even a legal seperation any bills she generates are no longer your joint responsibility. She becomes solely liable for her purchasing habits after that point. And vice versa, right now I believe DD could withdraw $10,000 bucks from a personal line of credit, stash it away and there is nothing she could do about it - its joint debt prior to the divorce or legal seperation, they will both be liable. I hate divorce its a real nasty thing. On the other hand, DD might be able to plays his cards right and ask his wife for an amicable divorce... which she may give him. Right now she wants to be with the OM so much and may just want to get the divorce over with ASAP. In this case DD needs to go have a talk with his lawyer and draft up an agreement in his favor and have her served. Link to post Share on other sites
Billy Bob Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 DesperateDad... this is real life! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t91650/ I love it! Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 I agree with CTA here. You do want to act sooner rather than later too, while she still feels guilty. She might be more inclined to give you whatever you want because of the guilt. You dont want this to get ugly, but at the same time, you NEED to protect yourself. Having atleast a legal separation means that any debts she creates now, she's totally responsible for. Talk with a lawyer, split the money (if any) in half, close all joint accounts and open up your own account. If it's an OR account, you probably have the right to close it without her consent. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted June 21, 2006 Share Posted June 21, 2006 Your still dealing with someone with a will of her own, and your saying this is like pushing a teenager to rebell.. This isn't so much about dictating terms on someone else's behavior as it is about DD stating his own boundaries. I think we can all agree that he can't tell his wife what to do. She's a grown woman, and she'll do as she pleases. In sharing his personal boundaries, DD is giving his wife valuable information. This is data that she NEEDS in order to form good decisions. He's telling her what he can live with, as well as what he can't. The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can't do. For instance, you can accept that your father was a pirate and a good man or you can't. But pirate is in your blood, boy, so you'll have to square with that some day. And me, for example, I can let you drown, but I can't bring this ship into Tortuga all by me onesies, savvy? So, can you sail under the command of a pirate, or can you not? I think most of us have seen Pirates of the Caribbean, right? And Jack Sparrow makes a good point here. There are things a man (or a woman, for that matter) can do.... and things they can't. These are our personal boundaries. Having your spouse tell you that they're "in love" with someone else and that they don't want to be married to you anymore, falls very neatly into the "can't do" catagory. It crosses the boundary in a decisive way. DD can't be fulfilled in his daily life knowing that his wife is emotionally unfaithful. He can put in a stellar Plan A and thereby prove his worthiness as a mate, but at some point.... he's going to have to set his boundaries and enforce them. There are things a man can do, and things he can't. He can't live indefinitely with a wife who isn't present in the marriage. Seeing an attorney gives him the tools he needs to enforce his boundaries. It's not cruel, and it's not mean for him to do that. There's just NO EXCUSE for his wife to be pussyfooting with the neighbor. She knows that she's hurting her husband. There's no way that sad fact could have escaped her attention. And it's not as if she hasn't any other options. She's not painted into a corner here. DD doesn't seem like an unreasonable man. She could be talking to HIM instead of the neighbor guy. It would be a whole helluva lot more constructive, that's for sure. Her choice to withdraw emotionally from the marriage is her choice, true. DD can't control that. But he CAN control his response to it. His plan thus far has been a good one. He's giving her time to reevaluate her decisions. He's presenting himself as an attractive mate. He's identifying and fulfilling ENs. These are all good things. But there's also Mr. Reality to be considered. You can't just lay around like a sponge absorbing all the good things other people give you and giving nothing in return. Eventually, people run out of gas. I think it's imperative that DD make his case before that happens. Because if he waits too long, he's not going to care enough to try anymore. The window of opportunity provided to a WS is finite. It closes with a snap, without warning. Sometimes even the BS, himself, isn't aware of the danger. He wakes up one day wanting his marriage desperately. The next... he could give a rat's ass less. Two days after that, he wouldn't take her back for all the tea in China. His negotiation tool isn't really an ultimatum so much as it is a definitive statement of boundaries. "I won't be leg-shackled to a mate who doesn't want me. I deserve better." Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 Make sure she doesn't have access to this site DD, perhaps she may have had it for a while now. Do you have this site on your favorites, auto fill forms? Better delete, and keep ALL this info silent! Link to post Share on other sites
Lollie72 Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 If you can get her to sign divorce papers or even a legal seperation any bills she generates are no longer your joint responsibility. She becomes solely liable for her purchasing habits after that point. And vice versa, right now I believe DD could withdraw $10,000 bucks from a personal line of credit, stash it away and there is nothing she could do about it - its joint debt prior to the divorce or legal seperation, they will both be liable. I understand getting a seperation agreement includes a restraigning order for both parties to not be able to spend large amounts/credit, etc...I am going to file that tomorrow, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DesperateDad Posted June 22, 2006 Author Share Posted June 22, 2006 DesperateDad... this is real life! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t91650/ I love it! Stranger than fiction! Link to post Share on other sites
Author DesperateDad Posted June 22, 2006 Author Share Posted June 22, 2006 This isn't so much about dictating terms on someone else's behavior as it is about DD stating his own boundaries. I think we can all agree that he can't tell his wife what to do. She's a grown woman, and she'll do as she pleases. Thanks, LJ. This is true. I've told her over and over that I can't control her, but that this is my one major boundary that she should respect. I told her that she was disrespecting me and hurting me by doing this, whether our marriage was over or not. She was very upset by it and told me I was making her a prisoner in her own house! I asked what she was talking about and got the whole thing about her not being able to be herself or to talk to whoever she wanted. What a crock! I think it's imperative that DD make his case before that happens. Because if he waits too long, he's not going to care enough to try anymore. The window of opportunity provided to a WS is finite. It closes with a snap, without warning. Sometimes even the BS, himself, isn't aware of the danger. He wakes up one day wanting his marriage desperately. The next... he could give a rat's ass less. Two days after that, he wouldn't take her back for all the tea in China. His negotiation tool isn't really an ultimatum so much as it is a definitive statement of boundaries. "I won't be leg-shackled to a mate who doesn't want me. I deserve better." This is all true, too. I'm started to feel a little differently now. I'm still trying to salvage whatever feeling I can for her, but it's becoming very difficult. I'm becoming almost apathetic towards her. I'm extremely tired of the anger and baiting me and childish responses when she doesn't get her way. Yesterday when I got home she was very short with me for some time. Later in the evening she started acting a little more normally, but I suspect she was on her computer chatting with the OM a little bit, too. I'm not even interested in proving it right now; I just don't care. BTW, I've been on the doctor's meds for a couple of days now and I'm feeling a bit better. Strange, but better. He also gave me something to help me sleep and I've had a couple of nights of almost 7 hours sleep. That's helping, too. I talked to the attorney yesterday and he really reassured me about things. He said I didn't really need to do anything to protect myself, because a) nothing had happened yet legally and b) we didn't have anything financially to protect. His advice was to keep a calendar of what I do to take care of the kids for use in any custody decisions. He also said it didn't matter when or who filed first because it's a no fault state. When I described the situation, he said it sounded crazy and that no guy in his right mind would get involved in this situation. He also told me to avoid the neighbor completely and to avoid making any threats at all. I feel better about things after talking to him and he said he could file tomorrow if I wanted to, but that he could tell I wasn't sure about it yet. He said to call me back when something changes or when I decide to file. It was a funny scene when I came home last night, too. I pulled in and the OM was washing his car in his driveway and playing all this R&B romantic stuff that my wife likes. This is funny because he normally listens to heavy metal. Yeah, I'm hearing violins. Waaaaaaaaaaah! She was sitting there in my driveway with the kids, just listening. I could tell she was mad at me. Afterward, she handed over the checkbook to me and mentioned that we had a couple of payments due at the end of the week and that we would need some groceries soon. She's pretty much giving up everything but taking care of the kids. I just said 'ok.' It's intimidating, but I know I can do it. Later that night was bizarre, too. The OM was sitting on his porch with his laptop, my wife was watering our plants, the kids were playing, I was teaching my daughter how to ride a bike and then the OM's son came over with his guitar and I sat there teaching him a couple of new riffs for a while. It's crazy because all this time I've been worried about him stealing my wife and kids! He can take my wife, but my kids are mine and his son thinks I'm about the coolest guy around. It certainly helped my ego and probably crushed the OM's. Tough. I honestly think that things will turn out badly for them both and will get much worse if they pursue a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DesperateDad Posted June 22, 2006 Author Share Posted June 22, 2006 Make sure she doesn't have access to this site DD, perhaps she may have had it for a while now. Do you have this site on your favorites, auto fill forms? Better delete, and keep ALL this info silent! Thanks, Sup. Yeah, I thought of that. I have my own laptop that's password protected, but I still clear my trail just in case. I don't think she's come across this site as she's mostly looking for validation for her decision still, rather than seriously looking for ways to work it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DesperateDad Posted June 22, 2006 Author Share Posted June 22, 2006 This site is giving me more insight into my own situation wtih my spouse an his attitudes. And how they are not appropriate for a sucessful marriage in my opinion. I'mblunt because I see both sides and like to explore both sides. I'm not like the wife that much cheating wise, but I completely know what it's like to have alienation of affection. And a man can have the best intentions but be basically gone day and night and if he doesn't call or let the wife into his emotional world inside his head, it's a type of distancing and shutting her out. I understand, Lollie, and I'm not holding it against you. The blame for relationship problems is rarely 100% the fault of either party, but usually almost equally split between the two as a marriage should be an equal partnership. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted June 22, 2006 Share Posted June 22, 2006 He also told me to avoid the neighbor completely and to avoid making any threats at all. So? I guess he wasn't too crazy about my ax-handle idea, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DesperateDad Posted June 22, 2006 Author Share Posted June 22, 2006 So? I guess he wasn't too crazy about my ax-handle idea, huh? It was a brilliant plan, but he thought the judge might take it the wrong way... Link to post Share on other sites
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