Another Love but not IN Love Story

[DesperateDad]

Spot gold prices are at roughly $600/ounce.

 

Yeah, I think its funny, she's really running out of ammo now. DD, everything she's done has just been classic examples. I'm also surprised it took her this long to take the ring off, but then again if she was trying to maintain appearances..

 

It sounds like your chugging along with plan A, but it still seems to me reading your latest posts that the temperature is rising.

 

Hmmm, be interesting to put someone you know up to asking her why she isn't wearing her ring anymore.. be interesting to find out what she'd tell someone when your not around. Just a thought. Or better yet, have one of the neighborhood gals ask her if its true she's having an affair with OM!

 

Eh, maybe thats not good advice..

 

She's really tan, too, so the missing ring is very noticeable. I know people will be asking about it and putting together the pieces of the puzzle. Let her start dealing with the fallout. I'm f***ing tired of internalizing all of HER problems!

 

It's funny that a couple of people in the neighborhood have outright asked her if something was going on between her and the OM. Of course, they laughed it off and said they were just good friends. Am I just old-fashioned or will most people think this is utter bull? Am I right in assuming she's not going to find a whole lot of acceptance out there and that most people will not be as understanding as she thinks?

[dgiirl]

DD, Gunny is absolutely right. We all make mistakes, but it's what we do to fix them that show our true character. You are a very good man, and there isnt very many out there. Your wife is in for a surprise if/when you get sick of this and want the divorce yourself. Personally, there's very little good things to being single. However, I would rather be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel like crap. All you guys on here deserve so much better and I wish I could just bitch slap your wifes and knock some sense into them. I'm starting to feel like the odd ball because there's too many of you men having ww, and there's not that many women having wh.

 

I think you did good by exposing the situation. Of course your wife is not going to be happy about it. It forces her to take responsibility for her actions. And in my experience, outsiders tend to have a much better idea of what's going on than the people directly involved. If your neighbours are asking, they're not going to be fooled by her lies. Even IF they are just friends (we all know that's not the truth, but even if it was), the fact that she's continuing to do something that hurts you is not right. She's putting a friendship with another man above her own marriage. That's all you really need to know. And boy do I know how hard it is to let go. I still have problems letting go. But the fear of losing her and the fear of being single is not worth what you are feeling right now. Yes, it will hurt like hell. You'll still have to grieve the actual loss of the marriage and all the dreams you wanted your marriage to have. But with letting go also brings the chance of rebuilding a new and better life. I just want to put this out there for you to know you do have options, and although divorce really sucks and is painful and will probably change you for the rest of your life, you are going through the worst of it right now.

[Ladyjane14]

Should I just be keeping on doing my own thing and being upbeat? I'm still working myself to the bone here. I've been taking care of the kids a lot and last night I made supper when I got home from work. I'm even doing all of the bills and grocery shopping now and I'm making arrangements to take on some more side work in the fall to make more money. I don't know how long I can keep going at this pace.

 

That's what I would do. She might be scowling at you.... but hey, she's looking in your direction now.

 

However, I'd start delegating a little more. You're going to wear yourself out if you're not careful.

[DesperateDad]

Thanks for the kind words, dgiirl. I'm really trying to be a better man than I've ever been in my life before. This whole thing is so strange. I can't believe it's happening to me!

 

LJ, I hope all this is positive in moving things along to some sort of resolution. I'm sure she's not thinking clearly. So much of what she says sounds like teenage BS just like you guys have mentioned before.

 

There really doesn't seem to be any strategy at all to what she's doing. It's like she's just flailing around, first trying to convince me that divorce is the best thing and then trying to make me angry enough to walk out.

 

Check this out, though. When I told her the other day that my one boundary would be that she had to stay away from the OM while we were still together, she replied that being able to talk to him was her one condition for staying around until she could afford to leave!

 

I can't believe I waffled so much on that one. Thanks for talking sense into me, guys.

 

Now that I've taken a stand on the OM, I'm not sure what she's going to do and I bet she isn't either. Unless they're certain enough of their feelings for each other that they are ready to move in together and damn the consequences, there's not much she can do.

[Ladyjane14]

Check this out, though. When I told her the other day that my one boundary would be that she had to stay away from the OM while we were still together, she replied that being able to talk to him was her one condition for staying around until she could afford to leave!

 

I hope you looked her right in the eye and told her not to let the door hit her in the ass on her way out.

 

Yes.... she's going to fall off the NC wagon a few times, that's a given. But if these contacts involve deliberation on her part... you need to have consequences prepared for addressing them. It's kind of like the difference between an impulse buy at the cash register when you're already at the store, as opposed to driving 30 miles to get there. If she has premeditated contact on more than one occasion, you probably ought to ask her to leave. If she refuses to leave, you'll have to see your lawyer and go the legal route.

 

You're powerless though if you don't have a back-up strategy in place. For example, what would you do for daycare?

You don't want to have your wife do it. You want her to understand very clearly that "separated" is separate. She doesn't get to be involved in YOUR family anymore. IOW, on days when she has visitation with the kids.... she doesn't get to hang around YOUR home, and she doesn't have any say in YOUR life or how you're managing it. She has to establish a separate 'family life' away from yours.

 

Kids + Dad = Dad's Family

Kids + Mom = Mom's Family

 

She has to be totally responsible for keeping her family afloat without your help. If it's her choice to divide up the family, she ought to have to do it on her own. There's no OUR FAMILY anymore. The emotional and physical support is gone. All she gets is a co-parenting relationship, which is strictly business.

 

I know that sounds less than amicable. But quite frankly, if you two do eventually get divorced... you're not going to want her up your ass all the time. By starting out with clearly delineated lines, you eliminate future confusion about how much influence she's going to be allowed over YOUR daily life.

[DesperateDad]

This is a strange game. She went out shopping today and I noticed when she got back that the ring is there again. WTF? Keeping up appearances?

 

LJ, I have to reread your post again and think about it before I can respond. You're absolutely right that there need to be consequences for her actions. I'm hoping that the pressure will mount over the next couple of weeks as people start talking.

[Sup]

That's what I would do. She might be scowling at you.... but hey, she's looking in your direction now.

 

However, I'd start delegating a little more. You're going to wear yourself out if you're not careful.

 

That MAY be her intention! To wear him out.

[Gunny376]

A man may not be capable of changing his destiny

~ but must do what he can, until his destiny is revealed to him~!

[Lollie72]

 

Yea! And, usually it the last thing you hear, just before a train runs over your azz, but in this case I do believe its more of the kind you hear when someone's fantasy bubble has sprung a leak!

 

Whooopppps! There it is!

 

So what if the WW gets pissed off? What she going to do? Let me see?

 

a. Get even more pissed off?

b. Have an affair with the neighbor next door?

c. Tell him the marriage is over?

d. Threaten to divorce him?

e. Yell and scream ~ fuss and fight?

f. Call him names?

g. Leave him for another man?

 

Besides, how can she lead the trail back to DD? In so long as DD keeps his mouth shut and becomes Joe Cool.

 

More like Joe @ss...he humiliated her even more, a larger set up for war. Why would she want to be near him, he pointed out the problem to others and basically called her a WHORE! Yes, that will get him points.....NOT

[Lollie72]

Her love tank is empty, and thanks to his vengful acts with lots of resentment, he's kept it empty. I'd go boff the nighbor after that one. DD's already anyway insinuated it's happened to everyone on the block. Why not make it real, since she has nothign to lose in ACTUALLY doing it now. WOnder if she's now going to tell all the women near that DD's got a little pickle to get revenge?

[Lollie72]

This is a strange game. She went out shopping today and I noticed when she got back that the ring is there again. WTF? Keeping up appearances?

 

LJ, I have to reread your post again and think about it before I can respond. You're absolutely right that there need to be consequences for her actions. I'm hoping that the pressure will mount over the next couple of weeks as people start talking.

 

You've motivated her to do so by shaming her and using the neighbors thoughts, feelings, looks, and expectations of her as ammunition to humiliate her. Just watch...she'll be out of there. You screwed up big time buddy.

[Lollie72]

Do yourself a favor, buy a book about how women THINK>

[DesperateDad]

Respectfully, Lollie, back off. This is my life we're talking about, not yours.

 

I've been dealing with the consequences of her behavior for a long time now. I've been trying to be the nice guy while she carries on an inappropriate, disrespectful relationship right under my nose and some of it in plain view of the neighborhood. You don't think people noticed how tight the two of them have been? Don't you think they look at me funny or whisper about why I put up with it? It is completely within my rights to allow her to finally begin dealing with the consequences of her actions.

 

I admit to being less than a perfect husband, but there is no call or justification for what has gone on in the last few months. I humiliated her? She should be ashamed of what she's been doing.

[Ladyjane14]

Lollie.... if you read throught the information in Surviving An Affair or at marriagebuilders.com, you'll become familiar with what we're talking about on this thread.

 

DD's limited "exposure" of his wife's affair introduces an element of REALITY to her fantasy. Yes.... she's mad. They ALL get mad when the affair is exposed.. That's par for the course. But the fantasy can't be allowed to persist. It's destroying the marriage.

 

DD's not at any obligation to cover up for his wife with the neighbors. And the problems in his marriage won't be solved by offering her flowers and candy. That's like giving a crack addict a Hershey bar and some daisies. It's nice.... but it's not going to effectively solve the problem.

 

This woman needs to know what's down the path she's selecting for herself. She needs to understand that the actions she chooses are going to have reactions, so that she can predict consequences in advance.

[dgiirl]

Lollie, with all due respect, what the hell do you expect him to do? She is having (atleast an emotional) affair. She's spending quality time with another man. Time she should only have for her husband. There is NO benefit for DD to keep her secrets. In fact, the longer he keeps this secret, the longer she can continue to do what she's doing without having to face reality. DD didnt trash his wife to the neighbours, but he didnt hide the truth either. And if she overreacts the way you did, he's better to get out now than later. If she cannot realize that her own actions have consequences and if she doesnt want to be thought of as a whore, then she shouldnt be doing whorish things. DD is not forcing her to do what she's doing. DD's not exagerating or telling everyone for sympathy or revenge. He's simply stating the truth and is no longer protecting her. She's a big girl. She should be able to handle reality.

 

DD, you did well. Your wife is probably not going to like it, and might overreact the way Lollie did. Just keep your cool, respect and civility. Dont argue back with your wife, and if she brings it up, just tell her the truth. You didnt trash her, but you're not going to hide the truth either. If you keep your cool, she'll have noone to fight with and will be forced to think about her actions.

[Gunny376]

With all due respect,......................................

 

You're flakier than a three day old crossiant!

[DesperateDad]

Thanks for the support, guys!

 

Last night, before going out with a girl friend, asked me how things were going for me. I asked her what she meant and she said, 'just life, in general.' I told her things were going good and that I was taking it day by day. When I asked 'how about you' she hesitated and said, 'okay, I guess' and then something like 'nevermind.'

 

Strange behavior, but I can tell she's thinking about things a lot lately. It does seem like the fantasy is starting to lose it's charm. She's been staying up really late playing around with her myspace account and checking out her friend's pages. Whenever I see her on the computer, she's looking at myspace. I think it's another way for her to escape from reality into a place that seems friendlier and more open.

 

I don't know if she's found a way to contact the OM or whether she's still pursuing things with him. Right now, the thought bothers me some, but I don't really care. She'll eventually realize that I'm her best option and that her only other 'option' may not really be one. Hopefully, it's not too late, though.

 

LJ, I've been working on getting together a plan for watching the kids while I'm at work. I've spoken with my mother and she says she'll do whatever she can to help. It's going to be a question of timing and, most importantly, my wife's behavior. If she makes a move toward reconciliation, I'm still willing to talk about it.

[Ladyjane14]

LJ, I've been working on getting together a plan for watching the kids while I'm at work. I've spoken with my mother and she says she'll do whatever she can to help. It's going to be a question of timing and, most importantly, my wife's behavior. If she makes a move toward reconciliation, I'm still willing to talk about it.

 

It's a contingency plan anyway. With any luck, you'll never need it. But having it in place, ready to go at a moment's notice, gives you the freedom to look her in the eye when she's flapping her gums, and tell her not to let the door slap her ass on the way out.

 

She's not a prisoner. She's free to go. She's just not free to screw up YOUR life along with her own.

 

At some point, you've got to call the other guy's bluff, right? And while that might not be today... it never hurts to be ready.

[Gunny376]

Rule No.# 1 Don't sweat the small stuff.

Rule No.# 2 Its all small stuff.

 

And, if you can't fight, and you can't flee, flow

 

Dr. Robert S Elliot

 

 

When planning, and you've got four possible contingencies planned for a fifth, hence up-forseen will probmptly develope

 

Murphy's Law

[Billy Bob]

Looks like your holding your own now DD and not being so wishy washy anymore, thats good. Either way this turns out I believe you will be permanently soured like Gunny and me .

 

I always wondered why some guys end up being old hermits that live out in the woods in a cabin by themselves (or with a dog).. but I have to admit the lifestyle looks more and more appealing the more crap I go through.

 

I think this guy figured out how to be truly happy:

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0009PUAFG/104-8595020-8193507?v=glance&n=130

 

"Alone in the Wilderness" is the story of Dick Proenneke. To live in a pristine land unchanged by man... to roam a wilderness through which few other humans have passed... to choose an idyllic site, cut trees and build a log cabin... to be a self-sufficient craftsman, making what is needed from materials available... to be not at odds with the world, but content with one's own thoughts and company... Thousands have had such dreams, but Dick Proenneke lived them. He found a place, built a cabin, and stayed to become part of the country. This video "Alone in the Wilderness" is a simple account of the day-to-day explorations and activities he carried out alone, and the constant chain of nature's events that kept him company.

 

Oh, and I thouroughly recommend this video by the way..

[Gunny376]

I wouldn't say I'm soured ~ I still love women ~ its just that I'm quick to kick one to the curb ~ if they go "flakey" on me. And, there are a lot of flakey women out there (and guys).

 

Women like DD WW, just blow me away ~ thinking they leave a marriage with six children ~ a teenage daughter ~ and five under the age of seven ~ and go out and just find a new husband as if it was raining men and she's 18 again???

 

Then there are the women that are in their 40's ~ 50's that think they still look as good as they did back during their 20's and to get with them you've got to make $75,000 to $100,000 a year, and they're working as secertaries or as bank tellers?????

 

Sorry, any woman that I marry is going to have to bring something to the bargininng table besides a $7 an hour job working in a department store, a car load of children, a drawer full of bills, and sex.

 

I'm beginning to think marriage should be based upon a five year re-newable contract ~ since that what it seems to have been reduced to anyway.

 

One thing for sure and certain ~ I won't be sitting around talking about my second, third, and fourth ex-wife at the nursing home. And, if I ever do get re-married ~ it will most definately be after a long courtship, a long engagement, pre-martial counseling, and an extensice back ground check.

 

My Dad who passed when he was 70, and was married to my Mom ~ twice

~ and my step mother for 32 years ~ was very empathic that if I had any sense ~ I would never get married again ~ just date. I told him that it was hard learning how to live alone after having been married, to which he responded ~ "Then DAMNIT ~ LEARN!"

 

Once you're past 40 there are just more women to men, and the older a man gets the higher the ratio grows. So there's less incentive. Because I'm retired military ~ I've had women want to get with me just because of my health insurance and presctiption benefits.

 

I made some hard investments early in my life ~ and NOW after years of self scarifice they're starting to pay off in spades. I'm very cautious in whoI share that with. Someone of my ex-wifes caliber? I wouldn't even go out a coffee date with.

 

Having had and raised children ~ I seriously question the validity of marriage? The only thing most women can offer me is companionship ~ and you can get that dirt cheap without getting married. Marriage benefits women ~ not men.

 

A lot of women get married ~ and then once the maritial assets have built up over the years they up out of the clear blue sky come up with this

 

"I not happy! You're emotionally distant and abusive ~ and I want a divorce"

 

No! What you want to do is cash in your chips at this table and go play at another table, while your still young and attractive enough to get invited to join the game!"

 

These days whenever I hear some woman (any woman) comment about hot she is ~ well ~ I'll blow milk through my nose ~ everytime over that one!

 

Enjoy it while you can Honey ~ cause it won't last!

[Billy Bob]

Sorry, any woman that I marry is going to have to bring something to the bargininng table besides a $7 an hour job working in a department store, a car load of children, a drawer full of bills, and sex.

 

A lot of women get married ~ and then once the maritial assets have built up over the years they up out of the clear blue sky come up with this

 

"I not happy! You're emotionally distant and abusive ~ and I want a divorce"

 

You just described my wife!

[Lollie72]

Lollie.... if you read throught the information in Surviving An Affair or at marriagebuilders.com, you'll become familiar with what we're talking about on this thread.

 

DD's limited "exposure" of his wife's affair introduces an element of REALITY to her fantasy. Yes.... she's mad. They ALL get mad when the affair is exposed.. That's par for the course. But the fantasy can't be allowed to persist. It's destroying the marriage.

 

DD's not at any obligation to cover up for his wife with the neighbors. And the problems in his marriage won't be solved by offering her flowers and candy. That's like giving a crack addict a Hershey bar and some daisies. It's nice.... but it's not going to effectively solve the problem.

 

This woman needs to know what's down the path she's selecting for herself. She needs to understand that the actions she chooses are going to have reactions, so that she can predict consequences in advance.

 

DD openly sent out gossip. She will be hurt, and alientated from the entire neighborhood. That's why she'll likely leave, and take the kids if she can. He's looking more like psycho now then ever with this type of thing. These things should not be broadcasted like she is wearing a scarlet letter "A."

If he has resentment he should do something else like tell her in fron of a counselor, or at least in private, express his hurt. He's hurting her out of revenge and a place of control. Humiliating her won't bring her back!!!!!! Or her love back...it will just push her away more.....I am a female, no I have no WIFE>

[Lollie72]

She wouldn't continually be confused and wanting what the other guy has to offer emotionally if DD had the same thing to give her, he's got something DD isn't offering and DD isn't paying any attention to the fact that he's losing this battle because the othe guy is loving her in some sort of other way in which SHE ABSOLUTELY needs!

[Mz. Pixie]

Check this out, though. When I told her the other day that my one boundary would be that she had to stay away from the OM while we were still together, she replied that being able to talk to him was her one condition for staying around until she could afford to leave!

 

 

You should have looked her right in the eye and said, "Well I guess we can't come to an understanding- when are you moving out?"

 

It's not an option for this to happen. It's a condition of her staying.

 

Lollie-

He's not spreading gossip- it's the truth. We all know it. You've obviously got some type of issue that makes it impossible for you to relate to whats happening. Don't confuse his marriage with yours.

 

I suggest DD that you put her on ignore so that her posts don't show up and you don't have to read them. It seems that she's not listening to anyone when we tell her that this is about your wife screwing around and not about your actions.

 

He did what he did, yeah, but it didn't give her any right to go outside the marriage.

 

I know, because I was once that cheating wife. I know how they act- what they say- and DD's wife is right on schedule with her comments and removing her ring.

 

No matter what he does, it still doesn't give her the right to cheat- especially with his kids around. That's the lowest of the low. I might have been an OW before but my kids were never involved, never knew about it, never saw the person and neither did the kids of my OM. I would have never had sex in my home with that person or had sex with him in his home.

 

In this case, it's happened. The only thing is we don't have pictures.