Another Love but not IN Love Story

[Gunny376]

It was a brilliant plan, but he thought the judge might take it the wrong way...

 

Simplistic, but brillant, none the less. Yea, those judge types tend to take a dim view of such things ~ why? I don't know!

 

But its been my experience ~ that guys that have had the crap beat out of them by irate husbands, tend to go, "NO!...........NO! NO! NO! the next time some old boy's wife puts the move on them.

 

When I was stationed at Camp Lejeune, the 911 operator got a call that went like this:

 

911 Operatror: "911 operator, do you have an emergency.

Redneck Caller: "I need the rescue squad out here at McDonald's on Lejeune Blvd

 

911 Operatror: "Has there been an accident? Is someone injured, what is the nature of your emergency?

Redneck Caller: "Naw! Nothing like that. I've been running around with this old boy's wife, and he's done caught up with me out here at McDonald's and say's he's going to shoot me, but that he's going to give me a "sprotin' chance" and let me call 911 before he does!

 

The irate husband shot him three time ~ he lived.

[DesperateDad]

Good story, Gunny!

 

Get this: last night as we got supper together, she's telling me not to bother with small talk (she's angry because I put my foot down about the OM). Then she uninstalled messenger so she couldn't chat with me at work (says I'm saving our chats -true, but not to use against her, I'm just a sentimental sap). Today she sends me an invite to yahoo instead.

 

So, now we're chatting about all the reasons why she's doing this. She's telling me she wants to be friends, but that I'm being mean. She feels like a caged animal. It just struck me that she is possibly going through withdrawal from the OM. I don't know. I'm not sure she's stopped talking to him. That's all on her now.

 

I'm feeling better about things and starting to let go. At the same time, I'm keeping myself open just in case, but acting like I'm cool with everything other than the OM. Having more control is making all the difference for me.

 

I'm now in control of the finances, but I haven't taken her off of anything and I don't intend to. I'm not going to play her like that. I AM going to put us on a realistic budget, though, instead of what we're on right now. We have simply got to make due with the money we make, that we can count on, rather than live the way she wants to live. It's that simple. If I can make extra money, I will, but I don't want it to be necessary just to get by. That's insane!

[Billy Bob]

I'm feeling better about things and starting to let go. At the same time, I'm keeping myself open just in case, but acting like I'm cool with everything other than the OM. Having more control is making all the difference for me.

 

Great DD! Yeah its amazing how much better you start feeling about yourself when you let go and take away that control she has over you. Its hard to explain.. as soon as you really stop giving a s*** about what shes doing...when it no longer makes you anxious, when she sees she can't push your buttons anymore..

 

Its that old saying "you want what you can't have". If she knows she can have the OM and can't have (losing) you, then the situation has become entirely reversed.

 

I think when you reach the point of truely not caring, she'll recognize she's losing you and then you'll have to decide whether you want her back. And if she doesn't, then your still in a better place for yourself.

[Gunny376]

It just struck me that she is possibly going through withdrawal from the OM. I don't know. I'm not sure she's stopped talking to him. That's all on her now.!

 

As I've said letting go ~ is gaining. I know, I know that goes against reason ~ but Hey! It works. Oftentimes when it comes to the OM the best thing that you can do is let her have him, or at least enough to where she start's seeing the chinks in his armour. I mean as has been stated before ~ he's just around for the goodtimes, he's not around 24/7.

What is the more generally speaking ~oppossites may attract ~ but the don't stay together? I mean it makes good for movies on Lifetime and all that, and Paula Abudu songs ~ but out here in the real world. She's R&B, and he's hard rock? I can tell you as well, most civilian women can't handle Marines, even if they are former Marines. Being a retired Marine (Gunny = Gunnery Sergeant/ E-7), I can promise you she couldn't handle him 24/7 day in and day out ~ there's reasons he's going through a divorce. If he's like most Marines ~ and he probally is ~ his got a definate azzhole side. This isn't an absolute ~ but as a general rule. What's she going to do when she see's the ugly side of him? I promise you, he wouldn't have put up with half of what you have. Not even 1/4th!

 

I'm feeling better about things and starting to let go. At the same time, I'm keeping myself open just in case, but acting like I'm cool with everything other than the OM. Having more control is making all the difference for me.

 

Ultimately the only person that you have control over in all of this ~ is yourself. Control your emotions, your words, your thoughts (and yes you can do that ~ it requires turning your thoughts around whenever negative thinking comes around ~ just turn the negative thought into a positive one and repeat it over and over ~ don't lie to yourside ~ but there two sides to everything) And, you've GOT to set some boundaries and maintain your self respect, and part of that is making her respect you in your own house in front of your children ~ just that plain and simple!

 

(To which some populist willl say ~ "You can't MAKE someone respect you, you've got to earn it!" That's true ~ but believe ME, no-one is going to come into my house and DISRESPECT ME! in front of my face!)

 

I'm now in control of the finances, but I haven't taken her off of anything and I don't intend to. I'm not going to play her like that. I AM going to put us on a realistic budget, though, instead of what we're on right now. We have simply got to make due with the money we make, that we can count on, rather than live the way she wants to live. It's that simple. If I can make extra money, I will, but I don't want it to be necessary just to get by. That's insane!

 

I was a finance major in college. But, NOTHING I've ever covered in high school nor college, EVER covered a decent way of budgeting for a household ~ and there about as many budgeting methods. The best I've ever found was the below listed site. There's a forumn therer, and you get a monthly e-mail newsletter, (or you can get the snail mail version) It will cost you $24 a year to join, $2 a month. Worth every penny. In it you will find on the board ~ questions about money, credit cards, debt, credit reports, housing, transportation, financial crsises, you name it. And, real life solutions by real people, not some money expert

 

Mary Hunt is the host of the site, and how this all got started was once upon a time she had ran up, $100,000 in credit carad debt alone, (not to mention cars, house mortgages, student loans, etc) and paid every cent of it back ~ without having her house foreclosed on, without having her cars re-poed. (Took her 13 years, but she says if she knew then what she knows today ~ she could have done it in half the time)

 

What she says makes perfect senses ~ and should be taught in every high school in the nation.

 

1. Get rid of the CC (Credit Cards) except one ~ and even if has to meet certain conditions, no annual fee, etc, set low interest rate,

 

2. You can't borrow your way out of debt ~ so no debt consolidation loans, no second mortgages.

 

3. Eradicate any and all debt as soon and as quickly as possible.

 

4. Budge based upon a 10/10/80 forumula. Right off the top 10% goes into a contingency fund. The initial idea is to get three to six month's worth of living expenses behind you ~ in the event that you don't have any money coming in ~ for whatever reason. With the long term objective of having one year in your contingency fund. Any money that comes out ~ goes back in. (And, for most that can't contribute 10%, for some not even 1%, but the idea is to put something, even if its not but $5 a pay period - you''ve got to start somewhere) give away - donate 10%, (there's sound reasoning behind this ~ but again some can and some can't -) and learn how to live off the 80% remainder.

 

5. Set up "Freedom Account"

 

Freedom Accounts (Its can be one separate account, with different amounts pegged for different things) are accounts that you pro-actively fund such as a car mainteance account ~ which when fully funded would have say $2000 in it for tune ups, tire replacement, tire balancing alignment. Once you draw funds out of it, you replace it and build the accounts back up tol their optimum level.

 

Other examples olf freedom accounts are:

Property taxes

Auto registration

Increasing your car, house insusrance deductables from the minimum to higher levels (gets you a cheaper rate)

Braces for the chldren

Medical and Dental co-pays, and deducatables

Vacations

Furniture replacement

Appliance replacement

Applicane repiar

 

The idea is to anticipate and project into the future, fund the accounts for those anticiipated expenses, and once funded ~ keep the funded. That is to say ~ be pro-active rather than re-active and go running folr the credit cards everytime something (and something always pops up) pops up.

 

http://cheapskatemonthly.com/

 

There are tons of shortcuts, money saving, making do, getting by, subsitution ideas on the fourmn site.

 

Another site that may be of help to you and the wife ~ along with six chldren

 

http://www.flylady.net/

[Gunny376]

Great DD! Yeah its amazing how much better you start feeling about yourself when you let go and take away that control she has over you. Its hard to explain.. as soon as you really stop giving a s*** about what shes doing...when it no longer makes you anxious, when she sees she can't push your buttons anymore..

 

Its that old saying "you want what you can't have". If she knows she can have the OM and can't have (losing) you, then the situation has become entirely reversed.

I think when you reach the point of truely not caring, she'll recognize she's losing you and then you'll have to decide whether you want her back. And if she doesn't, then your still in a better place for yourself.

Nail + Hammer! Nail that sucker right on the top of it!

[Lollie72]

So? I guess he wasn't too crazy about my ax-handle idea, huh?

 

He then can get a restraining order against you. (watch it, it might be admissable in court so you'd lose custody completely of your kids).

[Lollie72]

And not rocking the boat with you while she does.

Also, how long have you been a jealous spouse? Have you been this way before she cheated, and did you contribute to pressuring her in other ways into cheating? Besides the abandonment thing????????

[bkz]

DD, im sorry to see things havent improved for you and your W. Her anger and baiting you sounds all too familier to me at this point. Ive cut all contact with my W except concerning the kids for the last month and shes begun to lash out at me. She'll call me and start yelling at me, calling me an a-hole and telling me im a horrible person, that im mean and I only want the kids 50% of the time cause I know it will hurt her.

 

Im glad your not buying into her crap, unfortunatley I tend to let my W get to me sometimes and make me feel responsible and guilty about whats happend and start blaming myself.

 

Good luck to you and I hope things work out whatever dirrection they go in.

[Ladyjane14]

You're doing great, DD. You've been proactive in addressing the medical and legal issues, and now you're working on the budget and taking control of your financial destiny. (Great post on budgeting btw, Gunny.) I like the fact that you're speaking up about your feelings regarding OM too. Good stuff.

 

So, now we're chatting about all the reasons why she's doing this. She's telling me she wants to be friends, but that I'm being mean. She feels like a caged animal. It just struck me that she is possibly going through withdrawal from the OM. I don't know. I'm not sure she's stopped talking to him. That's all on her now.

 

I'm confused about this... Is she talking about being "friends" with OM, or being "friends" with you?

 

Either way, she presents you with an opportunity to poke the fantasy bubble with your stick....

 

If she's talking about being friends with OM, well.... this is a great opportunity to remind her that she can't be "friends" with BOTH of you. She, herself, made that decision when she allowed the neighbor guy to become your romantic rival. In professing her love for him, she made him what he is.... an enemy to your marriage and family dynamic.

 

If she's talking about being friends with YOU.... Friendship comes part and parcel with your role as her husband. It's a component of your current relationship which is inseparable from the main role. If you're not her husband, you're not her friend. That's the reality of the situation. She needs to understand that if she chooses to eliminate you from her life as a husband, you will NEVER accept a lesser role in her life. It's all or nothing.

 

The idea that everybody can be "friends" after a divorce feeds the affair fantasy. You can't allow that idea to flourish. While it's true that some couples do manage an amicable relationship after a divorce, the idea that it will definitely be so actually perpetuates the desire to permanently separate for the WS. Nip it in the bud.

[DesperateDad]

You're doing great, DD. You've been proactive in addressing the medical and legal issues, and now you're working on the budget and taking control of your financial destiny. (Great post on budgeting btw, Gunny.) I like the fact that you're speaking up about your feelings regarding OM too. Good stuff.

 

Thanks! The medication and taking control of the money is already helping me a lot. I've found that we're several hundred dollars overbudget easily and that we are going to have to trim back a little bit. I know she'll be upset, but what does she expect?

 

I'm confused about this... Is she talking about being "friends" with OM, or being "friends" with you?

 

She wants to be friends with ME. I can hear the fog talk again. I think she's confused about her choice, but afraid to admit it. If she had everything worked out ahead of time she would have pulled the trigger on me out of the blue and been ready to go right then.

 

Either way, she presents you with an opportunity to poke the fantasy bubble with your stick....

 

If she's talking about being friends with OM, well.... this is a great opportunity to remind her that she can't be "friends" with BOTH of you. She, herself, made that decision when she allowed the neighbor guy to become your romantic rival. In professing her love for him, she made him what he is.... an enemy to your marriage and family dynamic.

 

I've told her she can't have it both ways. Until we are free and clear and no longer married, I don't want this guy around. He is my enemy forever. I won't waiver on that ever again.

 

If she's talking about being friends with YOU.... Friendship comes part and parcel with your role as her husband. It's a component of your current relationship which is inseparable from the main role. If you're not her husband, you're not her friend. That's the reality of the situation. She needs to understand that if she chooses to eliminate you from her life as a husband, you will NEVER accept a lesser role in her life. It's all or nothing.

 

The idea that everybody can be "friends" after a divorce feeds the affair fantasy. You can't allow that idea to flourish. While it's true that some couples do manage an amicable relationship after a divorce, the idea that it will definitely be so actually perpetuates the desire to permanently separate for the WS. Nip it in the bud.

 

I'm going to have to subtly remind her then that we can be polite and nice, but we can't be friends if we're going to be divorced. She seems like she's trying to desperately hold on to me in some capacity while gaining her freedom to do whatever she wants.

 

It's all passive/aggressive. Whenever I'm showing signs of weakness, she goes on the offensive. Whenever I seem strong, she starts talking about how mean I am and how we should make sure we stay friends. What does all this mean?

[Lollie72]

She has borderline personality disorder, and you can find a support group to deal with her better.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm going to have to subtly remind her then that we can be polite and nice, but we can't be friends if we're going to be divorced. She seems like she's trying to desperately hold on to me in some capacity while gaining her freedom to do whatever she wants.

 

There's no need to be "subtle" at this point. The fact is... with friends like her, you don't need enemies. She's going to use the "for the sake of the children" arguement on you. But the REAL DEAL is that she wants to keep you percolating nicely on the back burner, so that her options are open.

 

She needs your financial and emotional support. She's become accustomed to having YOU fulfill these ENs for her. That's part of Plan A, afterall. The more reliant she is on you for fulfillment of ENs.... the bigger the vacuum when you withdraw into Plan B.

 

Friendship with you is only an option within the marriage. Make that clear to her. You can certainly find better friends that won't treat you like s*** when it comes to that. Parenting plans should be civil, but divorcees need not put themselves through the bother of being emotionally supportive of the one who f*cked up their family dynamic.

 

You are clarifying choices when you give her the correct information. "If we get divorced, quite frankly... it would please me mightily to never see your face again. And while I recognize that it would be an unrealistic expectation to eliminate all contact with you, I'm going to do my level best to make certain that YOU are no longer part of my daily life."

 

You aren't so stupid that you can't tell a friend from a foe. You're not so thick that you can't tell when somebody is using you for their own self-serving purposes. If she doesn't know it... hey, it's half-past time she did.

 

It's all passive/aggressive. Whenever I'm showing signs of weakness, she goes on the offensive. Whenever I seem strong, she starts talking about how mean I am and how we should make sure we stay friends. What does all this mean?

 

This is her response to losing control over you. When she can't predict your actions.... she's off-balance. She's going to try to redirect your energy where she wants it. It's good to keep a WS guessing. It causes them to drain energy. When YOU are in control, she can't maneuver you. When you are unpredictable, she's not sure how to assert her controls.

 

Try throwing some 180's into your Plan A. Work behind the scenes on getting your Plan B ready. Continue to poke the fantasy bubble with your reverse babble. And keep her off-balance with occasional bursts of aloofness and then solitiousness. She won't know her ass from her elbow in a month.

 

Here's the 180 list again:

Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

[Sup]

It was a brilliant plan, but he thought the judge might take it the wrong way...

 

LOL:lmao:

[Lollie72]

There's no need to be "subtle" at this point. The fact is... with friends like her, you don't need enemies. She's going to use the "for the sake of the children" arguement on you. But the REAL DEAL is that she wants to keep you percolating nicely on the back burner, so that her options are open.

 

She needs your financial and emotional support. She's become accustomed to having YOU fulfill these ENs for her. That's part of Plan A, afterall. The more reliant she is on you for fulfillment of ENs.... the bigger the vacuum when you withdraw into Plan B.

 

Friendship with you is only an option within the marriage. Make that clear to her. You can certainly find better friends that won't treat you like s*** when it comes to that. Parenting plans should be civil, but divorcees need not put themselves through the bother of being emotionally supportive of the one who f*cked up their family dynamic.

 

You are clarifying choices when you give her the correct information. "If we get divorced, quite frankly... it would please me mightily to never see your face again. And while I recognize that it would be an unrealistic expectation to eliminate all contact with you, I'm going to do my level best to make certain that YOU are no longer part of my daily life."

 

You aren't so stupid that you can't tell a friend from a foe. You're not so thick that you can't tell when somebody is using you for their own self-serving purposes. If she doesn't know it... hey, it's half-past time she did.

 

 

 

This is her response to losing control over you. When she can't predict your actions.... she's off-balance. She's going to try to redirect your energy where she wants it. It's good to keep a WS guessing. It causes them to drain energy. When YOU are in control, she can't maneuver you. When you are unpredictable, she's not sure how to assert her controls.

 

Try throwing some 180's into your Plan A. Work behind the scenes on getting your Plan B ready. Continue to poke the fantasy bubble with your reverse babble. And keep her off-balance with occasional bursts of aloofness and then solitiousness. She won't know her ass from her elbow in a month.

 

Here's the 180 list again:

 

WOULDN'T WORK! Maybe it's good for uneducated hussies!

[Lollie72]

I understand, Lollie, and I'm not holding it against you. The blame for relationship problems is rarely 100% the fault of either party, but usually almost equally split between the two as a marriage should be an equal partnership.

 

The guy wants her back, if he pretends he's dating her as if he's at step 1 and just met her, maybe he could woo her all over again! Instead of playing head games...be straight in his actions....flowers, candy, take her out to a movie if she doesn't want t alot of talking interaction....then let her see he's still capable of being loving instead of yelling while walking across the street. That's going to get him far, I say....otherwise, I say if he cannot control his temper, he's doing more harm to the kids than good, and hurting myself and should remove himself or ask her to find somewhere else to live!

[Gunny376]

The guy wants her back, if he pretends he's dating her as if he's at step 1 and just met her, maybe he could woo her all over again! Instead of playing head games...be straight in his actions....flowers, candy, take her out to a movie if she doesn't want t alot of talking interaction....then let her see he's still capable of being loving instead of yelling while walking across the street. That's going to get him far, I say....otherwise, I say if he cannot control his temper, he's doing more harm to the kids than good, and hurting myself and should remove himself or ask her to find somewhere else to live!

 

I wished that I lived in the la~la land you live in! It would be great!

[DesperateDad]

There's no need to be "subtle" at this point. The fact is... with friends like her, you don't need enemies. She's going to use the "for the sake of the children" arguement on you. But the REAL DEAL is that she wants to keep you percolating nicely on the back burner, so that her options are open.

 

Thanks, LJ. Last night I was in bed and saw her chatting on her computer and it started bothering me. You know, my spidey sense was tingling. I got up and said, "Tell ___ that just proves what kind of man he is." She was silent for a minute and then began to tell me that I was being unreasonable as my son was playing at the OM's house today and she wanted to thank him. I said, "For ten minutes?" She said she'd only just gotten on and then admitted to asking him how he was.

 

This just confirms to me that he's a sneaky piece of s***, but I'm putting most of the blame on her.

 

The discussion stayed civil as she tried to go into all the reasons why things wouldn't work out with us. I listened and dropped a few 'I understands' and when she again said she might as well go all the way, I said, "I can't stop you from doing what you want, but the consequences are all on you."

 

I also reminded her that she wanted to keep this friendly, but that he was now my enemy for life. She acted like she didn't understand this, that they were just 'best friends.' LOL. This freakin kills me!

 

She needs your financial and emotional support. She's become accustomed to having YOU fulfill these ENs for her. That's part of Plan A, afterall. The more reliant she is on you for fulfillment of ENs.... the bigger the vacuum when you withdraw into Plan B.

 

She knows she needs me, but is afraid to admit to it. I also asked her if he was going to take care of her when she threatened to file/move out. She admitted that she didn't know and that she didn't think he could.

 

Friendship with you is only an option within the marriage. Make that clear to her. You can certainly find better friends that won't treat you like s*** when it comes to that. Parenting plans should be civil, but divorcees need not put themselves through the bother of being emotionally supportive of the one who f*cked up their family dynamic.

 

You are clarifying choices when you give her the correct information. "If we get divorced, quite frankly... it would please me mightily to never see your face again. And while I recognize that it would be an unrealistic expectation to eliminate all contact with you, I'm going to do my level best to make certain that YOU are no longer part of my daily life."

 

I think reality is starting to set in here. She'll just have to decide if she's up to it.

 

You aren't so stupid that you can't tell a friend from a foe. You're not so thick that you can't tell when somebody is using you for their own self-serving purposes. If she doesn't know it... hey, it's half-past time she did.

 

Yep. I won't be fooled again. I know if another man is trying to be 'best friends' with my wife, then he is trying to hurt me.

 

This is her response to losing control over you. When she can't predict your actions.... she's off-balance. She's going to try to redirect your energy where she wants it. It's good to keep a WS guessing. It causes them to drain energy. When YOU are in control, she can't maneuver you. When you are unpredictable, she's not sure how to assert her controls.

 

Try throwing some 180's into your Plan A. Work behind the scenes on getting your Plan B ready. Continue to poke the fantasy bubble with your reverse babble. And keep her off-balance with occasional bursts of aloofness and then solitiousness. She won't know her ass from her elbow in a month.

 

Here's the 180 list again:

 

She does seem kind of off balance now. She's been mostly nice to me since Tuesday night when she saw that I was still being cool with the OM's kids. It's not their fault. Both of their parents are f'ed up and they deserve better.

 

She thinks I'm caging her up, but I've told her she has all the freedom she wants, but that the OM is my only boundary. I also told her that I won't be getting involved with any woman at all until we are free and clear of each other.

 

So, plan A is still okay? I do think she's on the fence somewhat because she hasn't filed anything yet and she's still trying to accomodate me in a lot of ways as well as convince me that this is for the better. Should I still be trying to meet EN's? I'm already incorporating a lot of the 180's.

[Ladyjane14]

So, plan A is still okay? I do think she's on the fence somewhat because she hasn't filed anything yet and she's still trying to accomodate me in a lot of ways as well as convince me that this is for the better. Should I still be trying to meet EN's? I'm already incorporating a lot of the 180's.

 

I'm short on time this morning, but yeah.... I'd say Plan A, meeting ENs, right up to Plan B. It's all about the vacuum effect, right?

 

Think also about the idea of "teaching people how to treat you". When she's behaving appropriately towards you, you're thoughtful and solitious. When she's inappropriate, you're aloof, but still in Plan A.

[DesperateDad]

I'm short on time this morning, but yeah.... I'd say Plan A, meeting ENs, right up to Plan B. It's all about the vacuum effect, right?

 

Think also about the idea of "teaching people how to treat you". When she's behaving appropriately towards you, you're thoughtful and solitious. When she's inappropriate, you're aloof, but still in Plan A.

 

Sounds good. On my way to work she called me and asked if I was still mad at her after our conversation last night (which wasn't actually all that contentious). I told her, no, not at all. Just disappointed. She still thinks I just don't get it and that it should be all right for her to just be 'neighborly' with the OM. LOL. I told her under the circumstances, it was not.

 

After another long discussion with her trying to convince me that she was right and I was wrong, a hypocrite, etc. she ended up with the assertion that I'm just upset because she has an option other than me now and that she would have divorced me sooner had she had the money.

 

I said that's fine. You can do whatever you want, but there will be consequences you'll have to live with. I'll never be friendly with him, they'll have two teenagers in love under the same roof and a bunch of resentful kids who are going to be asking why this guy is there instead of their father. I followed this up by reminding her that she had lied to me and to him both and that a relationship based on lies wasn't going to be so great. She really had nothing to say to this. Reality bites.

 

I said at the end that I have accepted everything she's said and I'm just going to move on with my life, but that I'll always listen if she wants to talk.

[Gunny376]

Gets you a high five, a low five, and a backhand five!

 

LadyJane Rocks!

 

Keep on doing what your doing!

 

You've got your "game plan" and your "inner game" is almost honed to a razor's edge.

 

As they say in Iraq, "Man! You've got your 's***e', together!"

[Mz. Pixie]

Actually, he can remove her from the checking account at will, as long as the styling of the account is-

 

Mr or Mrs. DD. If it's Mr AND Mrs. DD then he'd have more problems.

 

She doesn't work or earn income so why would it be illegal for him to remove her?? It wouldn't.

 

DD- I can promise you- I worked in banking for a while and one of my closest friends is a VP in banking still. If I only had a quarter for every single couple that were divorcing/having problems that had a joint bank account where the other spouse cleaned it out- bills or no bills. That's why I'm saying that. When I left my exhusband I told him to close his account and take the money out- so that he couldn't accuse me of taking it all.

 

She's saying she wants to be friends because she is rationalizing a different future. OM for all of her emotional needs that he can fill and then keep you on the side for friendship so she can still get a "fix" from you. Divorce and separation is war- there are few friends left after the fact.

[DesperateDad]

Gets you a high five, a low five, and a backhand five!

 

LadyJane Rocks!

 

Keep on doing what your doing!

 

You've got your "game plan" and your "inner game" is almost honed to a razor's edge.

 

As they say in Iraq, "Man! You've got your 's***e', together!"

 

Thanks, Gunny and I totally agree about LJ. I still feel pretty shaky about everything, but I've made some decisions about boundaries and I have to stick by them to maintain my self-respect, let alone my sanity. It still feels like I'm in Indian Country, but at least I'm not naked and defenseless anymore.

[DesperateDad]

Actually, he can remove her from the checking account at will, as long as the styling of the account is-

 

Mr or Mrs. DD. If it's Mr AND Mrs. DD then he'd have more problems.

 

She doesn't work or earn income so why would it be illegal for him to remove her?? It wouldn't.

 

DD- I can promise you- I worked in banking for a while and one of my closest friends is a VP in banking still. If I only had a quarter for every single couple that were divorcing/having problems that had a joint bank account where the other spouse cleaned it out- bills or no bills. That's why I'm saying that. When I left my exhusband I told him to close his account and take the money out- so that he couldn't accuse me of taking it all.

 

She's saying she wants to be friends because she is rationalizing a different future. OM for all of her emotional needs that he can fill and then keep you on the side for friendship so she can still get a "fix" from you. Divorce and separation is war- there are few friends left after the fact.

 

I'm not sure how to handle this one. I'm not ready to kick her off all the accounts, although I did change a password on one yesterday because the one she gave me didn't work. She mentioned it to me because she got a reminder email about it.

 

I don't know that it's time to start digging trenches yet. We still have a small opportunity to work things out if she stays away from the OM. We can at least be amicable in parting if she still decides she wants to, but it will make things more difficult if I take a heavy hand in trying to control things right now. I'd rather show her that I still have trust in her, that is in everything but the OM.

[Gunny376]

Thanks, Gunny and I totally agree about LJ. I still feel pretty shaky about everything, but I've made some decisions about boundaries and I have to stick by them to maintain my self-respect, let alone my sanity. It still feels like I'm in Indian Country, but at least I'm not naked and defenseless anymore.

 

One of the things that I got out of my divorce was ~ "I will never let another person take my joy and happiness away from me! NEVER!

 

MsP is right ~ divorce is kind~sorta like combat. Nothing in life prepares you for it, and you're not going to be prepared for it until your up in "it"

 

Like preparing to go to combat ~ you can train for it, hear other people's stories about it, watch movies about it, read about it, but its a whole different ballgame when you're in "Indian Country" and you find your azz hanging in the wind with some joker trying to put a 7.62 mm through your brain housing group.

 

Divorce ~ combat - the one absolute thing you've absolutely have got to ******* do is to keep your head about you. When you give into your fear ~ its over! Its the 9 to 1, bases loaded, ninth inning, they quit selling beer, hotdogs and peanuts during the eighth.

 

As I said, ALL human action is driven by either fear or desire ~ and that's the Hell of divorce and being in combat. Trust me ~ when you've got some joker trying to kill you ~ you are very much driven by fear and the freaking desire to stay alive and all your body parts in-tact. In a freaking situation ~ you have the fear of losing not only you WW ~ but everthing you worked your azz off for the last up-teen years. And, then you have the desire for her, your wife, your friend, you confidant, your lover, the mother of your children.

 

There I go again ~ preaching to the choir. I'm just verbalizing the obvious.

[dgiirl]

DD- I can promise you- I worked in banking for a while and one of my closest friends is a VP in banking still. If I only had a quarter for every single couple that were divorcing/having problems that had a joint bank account where the other spouse cleaned it out- bills or no bills. That's why I'm saying that. When I left my exhusband I told him to close his account and take the money out- so that he couldn't accuse me of taking it all.

 

I absolutely agree with you. I had two joint accounts with my exh. One was all of my own savings. And he had his own account that I wasnt on with all of his savings. And another joint that we used to pay bills with. So as soon as he left, I closed my joint account. And the other joint account I told him to close. It was in our papers that he would get that account, so I didnt close it. It took him a year to do it!

 

DD, if and when you do this, if there's any money in the account, I would simply split it equally in half and get your name off that account. This way, it shows you have good faith, you're not hiding any money, but at the same time, you are protecting yourself. Run it by with your lawyer. It's not that you are trying to control her with the money. It's you dont want HER to mess up your credit rating. How will you feel in a year from now, divorced, and you find out she took this time to plan how to hide every single asset from you and generate a lot of debt? Dont set yourself up to be taken advantage of. If she needs money to live, then write her a cheque everytime you get paid. You just dont want to be legally tied to her. Not punish her with the control over the money. Yah she will be pissed and she'll have a tantrum. Mine did, even tho he had more money than I and had a better job than I, and actually LEFT THE HOUSE. Yet he still had a tantrum. Go figure.