Another Love but not IN Love Story

[Ladyjane14]

I don't think I would have much chance of being about to keep the house and kids.

 

I think you might be surprised by how much a REALLY good lawyer can get accomplished. I read somewhere once that only 20% of fathers go for custody upon divorce, but of those that do....80% get it. Wish I could remember where I read that. It's been awhile, so who knows what TODAY's statistic might be.

[dgiirl]

Thanks, dgiirl. We talked again this morning. The first thing she said to me was that she was sorry for the mean things she said last night.

 

See, this is exactly what LJ's saying about hit and run. You want to give your opinions without getting into a conflict. When you walk away, she's forced to think about what you said. Obviously, noone likes to hear they're being mean to someone, so she'll defend herself at first, but if she has noone to argue with, she's going to be forced to think about it and she will question herself if she really is being mean. Looks like she did think about what you said. I think this is a very good sign. Again, you want to keep giving her the message that you are NOT there to control her, but there are boundaries to how she can treat you. If she wants to have an emotional affair with this guy, that is her choice, BUT she cannot expect you to be there for very long, and she cant use you to hear all the details.

[DesperateDad]

Thanks for the reply. I'm wondering what kinds of things I can encourage her to do, and give her time to do, that will help her feel better about herself. I know she wants to be something other than wife and mother and in her desperation she wants to dump the wife part.

 

She HAS mentioned finding some way to make money so that she can "do what she needs to do." Maybe she's thinking of getting a job. She mentioned today that she might talk to her parents and beg them to give her money for a divorce. I think that's total fantasy and would probably backfire in a big way.

 

Maybe getting a job or finding something else to volunteer for outside of the house would be good for her. She has been active in a mother's club, but it has required her to do a lot of work from home and it's too hard for her to do it with also having to watch the kids. Maybe something more focused on being outside the home?

[DesperateDad]

Thanks again, dgiirl. What's funny, too, is that I've always had the ability to get her to change her mind about things. I always would put a lot of thought into whatever the topic was and then rationally give her my reasons for believing what I do. It's never been easy, but she's always been pretty open-minded about things.

 

I've also shown her that I can admit to being wrong. I CAN change my mind about things. It could be that she's just trying to convince me that a divorce would be better, but I'm totally convinced that it would NOT be. It would take a lot of effort from her to change my mind about that.

[dgiirl]

The reality is, she doesnt need to convince you to get a divorce. If she really wants a divorce, then she can get one on her own. I think she's trying to convince herself more that the divorce is right, and if she can convince you of it, then that just validates to her the divorce is right. If she REALLY wants a divorce, she'll move out. For the time being, she's unsure and you dont want to give her any reason to make her certain.

 

My ex dropped the dbomb and moved out the next day. There was no uncertainty. There was no reconcilation. And his initial plan was to not talk to me for atleast a year. He blamed me for everything and denied the existance of another woman.

[DesperateDad]

I think you're right, dgiirl. She's obviously going through a huge battle in her own heart and mind. I guess that's why Plan A should be the most effective. It changes me from an enemy into at least a neutral party (think Switzerland) and maybe even at times an ally. Now, if I can just make myself an ally all the time...

 

You know another thing? All of you seem like such wonderful people that it's really hard for me to imagine anyone wanting to hurt you. It just doesn't make any sense...

[DesperateDad]

I know it's going to take time to see if this works, but sometimes I get really tired and down about it all. We've had a good couple of days and our discussions have been much more peaceful, but she's not giving an inch so far on how she feels.

 

I'm not pushing at all, though, just trying to calmly and rationally state my position on things and then move on without conflict. So far, it's working to keep the peace, but I don't know that it's making much difference yet other than to keep things stable.

 

I have to admit stable and peaceful is much better than fighting and tension in the house. I guess I'm just impatient. I know I should just hang in there, but it's hard to just sit here and try to be so zen about it all.

 

Like most men, I'm a fixer. I want to take care of things NOW.

 

Patience, young Padawan. Yes, Master.

 

BTW, Thanks for reading this. I can't seem to think sometimes without typing. It's therapeutic.

[mysticflea]

It seems as though we are going through similar situations. It is the hardets thing I have ever had to endure. I miss my wife so much and yet she is moving on and getting further away. I hol don to hope because i am a man and i love my family. I cannot control what she thinks and I am trying to to be happy and accept it. I have read every book written about this stuff, stop your divorce, divorce busters, dr phil! I am trying to follow there advice as although sometimes they seem a little far fetched, they are at least a reason to continue. Know you are not alone, and If i can help in anyway i will. Also if you have any success let me know how the hell you did it!!

I think when we finally get either through this or are infact successful in saving our relationships, we should collaberate and write a book. Take the ups and downs, the bad days and the good days, the good conversations and the bad and just use them to grow. I feel funny giving advice because i cant use it myself right now, but i think this what we are supposed to do.

If it is meant to be it will be. But there is no harm in being pro-active and giving it a little nudge here and there in the right direction, i applaud your faith in family and marriage, good luck.

[DesperateDad]

Thanks, mysticflea. I've been following your situation, too, and I've noticed the similarities. This is just crazy stuff, isn't it? Our whole lives get turned upside down in an instant. I feel like I'm waking up from a dream or maybe caught in a nightmare.

 

In my case, we're still living together, still sleeping in the same bed and still keeping up appearances. We haven't been intimate for more than a month at this point and she's told me that she no longer is attracted to me. I find this kind of funny in a way because I get a lot of attention from other women, even though I'm not much of a flirt.

 

I'm hoping that things will just heal if I can give them a chance. I hope the same happens for you. I know it's possible if we work hard at doing the right things. I'm trying desperately to follow all the advice as well. Good luck to you and I'll keep following your story.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm not pushing at all, though, just trying to calmly and rationally state my position on things and then move on without conflict. So far, it's working to keep the peace, but I don't know that it's making much difference yet other than to keep things stable.

 

You're doing just fine. It's a waiting game as much as anything else right now. And you're absolutely 100% right.... You can't "fix" this for her. She has to do that for herself.

[DesperateDad]

Thanks for the encouragement, LJ. Do I just have to wait until she decides to fix things?

 

Okay. We've had some very nice discussions today and went out to eat with the family and had a great time. It felt almost normal.

 

Tonight we had sex. As I've said before, it's been a while. It was weird. She was not very into it. Afterward she said she wanted to see if she could feel anything. The implication was that she hadn't. This all seems so strange to me.

 

We act pretty normally most of the time now. I am definitely acting better lately and she's noticed. She said tonight that I've said a lot of wonderful things to her lately, but she doesn't want to hear it. She sounded sad when she said this.

 

I asked her if she had considered that this is just something she's going through right now and that it will pass. She said, yes, but...

 

She said her logic and instincts are aligned right now and that's what's telling her to go on a different path in her life (away from me). She also said that things have gone terribly wrong every single time she's gone against her instincts. I replied that I'd had to suppress some very strong instincts in my life, but she said that wasn't instinct. ???

 

I keep saying 'she said' because I'm not sure that she knows how she really feels about things right now. There's just too much on her mind.

 

I don't know what's going on with her. I told her I understand, but that I think she's thinking too much about all this stuff. I told her I really think she should try to stop thinking about it so much. She said she can't.

 

She keeps saying how certain she is about this, but if she were that certain, wouldn't she have taken steps to get out all ready? Her actions and some of the things she says tell me she's not at all sure about what she's doing.

 

I plan on sticking with Plan A still, but is this to be expected at this stage? Can she think she's certain about all this stuff, but not really be? Is she still stuck on a fantasy?

[Ladyjane14]

She keeps saying how certain she is about this, but if she were that certain, wouldn't she have taken steps to get out all ready? Her actions and some of the things she says tell me she's not at all sure about what she's doing.

 

I plan on sticking with Plan A still, but is this to be expected at this stage? Can she think she's certain about all this stuff, but not really be? Is she still stuck on a fantasy?

 

Well, I agree with dgiirl. If your wife was truly THAT certain, she would've taken steps to end the marriage already. The fact that she hasn't done so is meaningful.

 

She's got a big ole' bunch of kids, and not too much in the way of financial resources. Her options are limited without your support in ending the marriage. So, she's wanting you to get on the 'divorce wagon' with her, and she's going to mope and complain while she's venting her frustration.

 

The timing is the weird thing here. Where's the fire? Why isn't she forwarding the 'Let's be Roommates' strategy in order to give her time to pull her resources together? I have to wonder if it's the fact that the neighbor guy is getting his divorce, and times awasting. Maybe he'll move on while she's killing time waiting for the kids to get into school and getting her money together to afford a divorce.

 

If that's true...then 'yes'...you've still got a bit of WS fantasy going on. And if it's NOT true, and she's given up the neighbor guy as a potential love interest, you could be dealing with withdrawal. Much the same as the junkie who's not getting her 'fix'.

 

I do think that the impetus for ALL of this is probably rooted in Escapism. She believes she'll be better off if she can just get out from under her obligations. But being a single mom is going to introduce even MORE stress to her life, because she's not going to have the reliability of a steady partner. Maybe on some level she knows that. She NEEDS your cooperation to make it happen....but you won't give it. Frustration.

 

Her "instinct and logic" is shot full of holes in any event. She's responding to pure emotionalism and angst. There's nothing logical about it.

 

I do think it would be good for her to develop some kind of creativity in her life. I think if I were you though, I'd encourage a healthy activity, something that won't introduce her to the single's scene in the way that maybe a part-time job in a restaurant would for example.

 

And as I said to Mystic Flea on another thread, maybe "dating" a bit would be a good thing. Let her see you as the attractive guy she first met. Do some fun things together, not just dinner and a movie....so you have some ADVENTURE time.

 

But I think maybe you should Plan A for as long as you're able to do it. Don't wait to Plan B until you've run out of gas though, and do have Plan B ready and waiting in the wings in case she makes a move with the neighbor guy, but all in all, the longer you can stretch Plan A...the longer you're giving her an opportunity to shake off the apathy without escalating.

 

I think I told you "a few more weeks" before, but what I actually meant was to get your Plan B prepared in a few more weeks, so it'll be ready at a moments notice. But my understanding is that six months is a pretty good goal for Plan A when feasable.

 

It's a good thing you're a patient guy!

[DesperateDad]

LJ,thanks again for the support. I don't feel very patient. I feel tired and scared, like something's chasing me, but just out of sight.

 

I mentioned to her last night that I felt that she was resistant to me because she didn't want to get hurt again. She said she had thought about that and that was at least part of it.

 

I think you're right about the escapism, too. I don't think she's being totally honest about things either. What I mean by this is that I think she IS entertaining some thoughts about having a relationship with this guy and waiting for me to say it's okay. She's probably thinking he might help out with the kids (he has all ready) and possibly financially, too.

 

I can't make him go away right now, but I'm really hoping he goes away on his own. He knows he's caused lots of stress in my marriage, but for some reason is still sticking around. Sometimes it makes me insane with rage, but I have to hold it in. He's had some job offers in other parts of the country, but has turned them down because he says he likes it here. I'll bet.

 

They are still talking (probably every day), but I'm making an effort to talk to her about things that are going on with her every day. We're definitely talking a lot more than we have in years. I'm feeling the competition, though.

 

The idea of having an 'open' relationship has come up before, also. I told her initially that I would take that over a complete breakup. That idea has kind of fallen into limbo because I don't think either of us would feel comfortable with it. I told her a couple nights ago that as long as we're married I wouldn't cheat on her and I would expect the same from her. She brought up the 'open' relationship thing again, but it was late and I think we just dropped the subject.

 

The financial aspect of things is kind of troubling right now, though. She has always taken care of our finances since we've been married. This has always made me feel like I had no control over our money and added to my stress. Now, we've just gotten an inheritance from her grandparents (I mentioned that they both died in the last couple weeks) and there is a chunk of money left in the checking account.

 

We've talked about what to do with it and at times she's said she wants to save some of the money to keep for herself. Then on Friday she agreed to give me full control over the finances, including all of the remaining inheritance money. I would use it to pay off debts, like our credit cards.

 

Is it more dangerous to leave the cash there for her to use or to pay off some of her credit card, which I suppose she could also use to pay an attorney? I want to put us in as good a financial position as possible, but I don't want her to have the resources right there to start legal action.

 

I think it will be a good test for me to stick with this for six months. I need to completely change my attitude about life to be more positive regardless of what happens.

[DesperateDad]

I know that a lot of this situation is my fault, but I'm so filled with anger right now I can hardly think. We were at a birthday party next door today and the neighbor guy and his sons were there. Poor thing, his wife was mean to him again and he comes over moping and acting all sorrowful. I can barely stand the sight of him anymore.

 

It kills me the way she acts around him. How can he not know what trouble he's causing here? What kind of a f***ing a**h*** does this sort of thing? I'm trying not to fill up with hate. I need to be cool for my family. She has to come to her senses some day, right? This really sucks.

[Mistaken Identity]

She's not really in any position to make demands or to act foolishly. You have all the power right now. Maybe you should use it. Your wife may lose respect for you if you don't object to her lusting after the neighbor. You don't have to lose your patience. You can tell her calmly but firmly that you're not going to be made a fool of.

[Ladyjane14]

I can't make him go away right now, but I'm really hoping he goes away on his own. He knows he's caused lots of stress in my marriage, but for some reason is still sticking around.....

 

She brought up the 'open' relationship thing again, but it was late and I think we just dropped the subject.....

 

We were at a birthday party next door today and the neighbor guy and his sons were there. Poor thing, his wife was mean to him again and he comes over moping and acting all sorrowful. I can barely stand the sight of him anymore.....

 

How can he not know what trouble he's causing here?

 

You know, years ago....my husband and I lived in a cute little suburban atmosphere. We spent summer evenings socializing with our neighbors, and when there was a two-man chore to do, it was nice that my husband could get one of the other guy's to pitch in or to pitch in for the other guys. If something came up, the women were usually available to help out babysitting for a couple of hours, and the kids could all go outside to play and there were multiple sets of eyes to watch out for them. Pretty good deal altogether.

 

But it doesn't last. After awhile, you start to realize that you've got 14 kids in your back yard, and the other moms are taking naps and getting their chores done while YOU are watching all their kids. The couple across the street is getting a nasty divorce, the ones next door are fighting with the ones on the other side of you because they're all caught up in the kid's inability to work and play well with others. It ends up like living in a 3-ring circus, with someone p*ssed off all the time.

 

To say the least, we've moved twice now....and these days our neighbor relations are pretty much limited to the 'smile and wave' with occasional snowblowing for the elderly widow down the street. That's it, no more.

 

My point is that living in close and friendly proximity with all the neighbors eventually bites you in the butt one way or the other. Sounds jaded, I know.

But I can't remember a single instance where this kind of situation didn't eventually de-evolve to the point of folks not getting along.

 

The neighbor guy is NOT your friend. He's not concerned with your feelings, he's too busy dealing with his own. Yeah, his emotional situation regarding his divorce sucks, but rather than deal with it himself...he's going to make it YOUR problem. WTF?

 

This guy needs to be out of your family life. Not asked politely to give you respect, and not negotiated with at all.

 

In a social situation in which you are obligated to attend your other neighbor's party, there's no reason why you can't leave when the OM shows up. If your wife complains, tell her she's free to EXPLAIN why the occasion would be uncomfortable, and if she doesn't want to air it out right there and then.... she needs to march her behind on back home.

 

I'll be honest. I would probably have moved out of the neighborhood if I were you. It's terribly inconvenient to do, and I think what you're hoping for is that the neighbor guy will give up and move first, but if he's not going to do that then you're stuck worrying about what's going on every time you leave the house.

 

His daily proximity FEEDS the drama. Your WW gets a little 'OM fix' every time she sees him or gets any information about him. It's like a little shot of dopamine for her "junky" habit.

 

Her comments about "open marriage" are just another indicator to you that her infatuation is serious. She's not willing to give up on it yet. And neither is the OM....because he DOES in fact know that he's causing problems. And he's doing it anyway. What does that tell you?

 

You've been a nice guy here. And you haven't outed them in a way that's going to make it difficult for all the neighbors to get along. But you realize don't you that it makes things so much easier for your wife and your neighbor to stay in contact with each other. If OM was persona non grata in your neighborhood's social network, if your wife had to deal with the social implications of being a "cheater"....what would THAT be like for them? If they knew that people were WATCHING and noticing things they hadn't noticed before, would they still want to socialize in public?

 

This amounts to Exposure. I'm uncomfortable with it, I'll admit that. But I do see the value in it as well. It's difficult to hide bad behavior when it's common knowledge. I can't manage the militancy of some folks when it comes to exposure, but I agree that one should not negotiate with the WS thereby making it into a blackmail tool.

 

I think if I were in your shoes and couldn't move away, I would attempt to disassociate my family from the social network in the neighborhood...at least to the degree where it's feasable. I think I would introduce more social contacts with other folks outside the neighborhood, and try to get out more with activities that took my family outside of the environment.

 

Then, I think I'd be very clear with my spouse that I had no further intention of socializing with the OP....regardless of whatever embarrassment arises from my refusal to do so. And I would tell my spouse that I expect them to do the same in respect of the marriage. A state of No Contact with the person that is interloping in your relationship is NOT too much to ask, particularly when your spouse has admitted to 'being in love' with the OP.

 

After that, I would out them to all and sundry next time I caught them together. Your wife will go off like a ballistic missile, but as long as you aren't telling lies and as long as you can back up what you say, it's just the truth. It'll p*ss her off that you aired the dirty laundry....but who's the one who SOILED it to begin with?

 

That hardball, sure. But it's legitimate as a part of Plan A too. I'm not going to try to tell you what to do though. I'm only telling you what I would do.

 

Your marriage CANNOT recover until your WW's affair fantasy ends. And 'open marriage' isn't a solution, because you NEVER will get the attention and devotion that you deserve. Better to call it a day and divorce...than to partake in crumbs. Crumbs don't provide enough emotional nutrition to survive on indefinately.

[Ladyjane14]

p.s. If you're in a state where 'adultery' is grounds for divorce, you might start collecting evidence. You'll want to keep a journal too, handwritten in ink with each entry dated to be used in support of your recollection of events.

 

Hopefully it won't be necessary. But better safe than sorry, right?

[DesperateDad]

LJ, you hit it right on the head again. We've been here about a year and a half and things are all ready going crazy. My wife ends up watching a dozen kids play in our yard all day and guess what? This MF comes over to help her watch them!

 

I'm sorry for getting so frustrated, but I'm so godawful tired of enabling their little fantasy it makes me want to puke. I can see now how he's milking it and trying to act like he's a good friend to everyone.

 

It makes me furious the way he tries to ingratiate himself with my kids. He's always flirting with my teen step-daughter (who's dating his messed up 16yo) and shooting off model rockets for his 5yo and getting mine involved.

 

I've stupidly let him take some of the kids places a couple of times when I couldn't do it myself. I feel like s*** because he does stuff I can't afford to do and my wife gets pissed at me for being too 'proud' to accept gifts. He has to know what this does to me.

 

I'm an idiot for letting things get this far. If I'd made a big issue over things last summer it might have headed it off. Now my wife is so deeply involved with this guy emotionally, she says she'd take their 'friendship' over our marriage.

 

What sucks the most right now is that I'm afraid to make any demands at all because she seems to be really considering the possibility of staying. It's making it so much more difficult that she's still having this relationship with this guy, though. As soon as he left the party yesterday, she came home to use the bathroom and got on the phone with him for at least 20 minutes!

 

As far as outing them, I would absolutely love to do this, but I'm not sure how to do it without making her hate me and do something drastic right away. Some people are noticing things all ready and I've mentioned to at least one person that I'm not comfortable with all the time they spend together. What can I do?

 

P.S. I apologize to everyone for my language in the previous post.

[Ladyjane14]

What sucks the most right now is that I'm afraid to make any demands at all because she seems to be really considering the possibility of staying.

 

I know it's a hard thing to accept, DD....but there is NO possibility of your marriage recovering until AFTER this affair ends.

 

Consider telling the guy that he's no longer welcome in your home due to his inability to behave in an appropriate manner with your wife. Tell him you will henceforth consider him to be a tresspasser. Since he's been told to stay off the property, you'll be willing to get a restraining order if he fails to manage the self-control he needs to exercise in staying away.

 

Your wife is going to do whatever she's going to do regardless. All you can do is set up the parameters on your end for her to choose marital success. IOW, you establish that there's nothing intrinsically wrong with YOU as a mate.

 

But you don't have to compete with this guy. He's not in your league. He's not your wife's husband, and he's not the father of your children. He's just a wart on the face of your home-deal, and that's the way he needs to be treated.....frozen out.

 

Your wife won't like it, but no one's stopping her from making good on her threats to leave. She's NOT a caged animal afterall. And if it comes to that, tell her not to let the door hit her on the ass when she goes.

 

This thing is probably going to get worse before it gets better. That's why you need to have contingency plans in place. And that's why you need to make certain that there's no violence threatened that she can potentially use to get an RO against YOU. So, if you speak to OM and tell him to stay off the property, make sure you don't escalate to any behavior that can be perceived as violent. And if he chooses to escalate, call the police and make a complaint.

 

(I hope you are documenting the phone calls and behavior, btw. Get copies of your phone bills and bank statements too.)

[Ladyjane14]

I feel like s*** because he does stuff I can't afford to do and my wife gets pissed at me for being too 'proud' to accept gifts.

 

Here's another thought for you on not accepting "gifts".

 

You are teaching your children a valuable lesson about 'living withing their means'. The earlier you can put away the notion of "keeping up with the Jones's"....the better off your kid is. They can learn to be appreciative of what they do have and to not be beholden to others for more than what they've earned. It's good stuff. As a parent, you can be PROUD of reinforcing this lesson every opportunity you can.

 

Somebody else is ALWAYS going to have something different than what we've got. That's just the way it is. Better to learn it young if you ask me.

[DesperateDad]

Thanks again for the support and advice, LJ. I know I've been too timid in accepting her relationship with this guy. More than once I've told her to end contact with him and I've then backed off because of her anger and the fear that she would immediately file for divorce.

 

Last week I backed off again after we talked on Thursday night. I don't think she really wants to leave me right now, only when she's angry, but then when I mention NC with the OM, she's all about how she can't live like this and won't have me controlling her and telling her who can be her 'friends.'

 

So, on Friday night we had another social gathering of neighbors and this guy came over. I couldn't hardly look at him the whole night. Then the birthday party. She's asked me a couple of times this weekend felt just like 'old times.' I said it's a little bit different now.

 

To be honest, it sucks. I can't enjoy myself knowing this is going on. However innocent their discussions may be, they're still talking way too much and bonding emotionally.

 

I have to ask this: is what she's doing any better than my affair? I kissed a girl on two occasions and spoke to her by phone and email frequently for several weeks. At no time did I have sex with her or tell her I would leave my wife. On the contrary, I told her what I was doing was stupid because I would NEVER leave my wife.

 

I've caught my wife kissing this guy in MY OWN HOUSE after we watched a movie together one night. She claims that she initiated the whole thing and that he said no, he couldn't do that to me. I watched the whole night while she traded glances with him and flirted and I couldn't believe it was happening right in front of me. For a while he was holding MY BABY, too!

 

She later told me that they had agreed to just be 'friends.' Meanwhile they continued talking every night and let each other know that they had real 'feelings' for each other. They still talk every day as far as I can tell.

 

She makes it sound like what I did was far worse than what she's doing. Is it? I'm not trying to excuse what I did, but I would like to know if what I did was so much worse.

 

I'm coming to the same conclusions as you, LJ. I can't live like this and their relationship, however platonic they think it is, is destroying my marriage.

 

I know she's clearly having doubts, but she won't say anything encouraging to me because she says she doesn't want me to get my hopes up. She insists her feelings haven't changed and won't, but her actions sometimes contradict her words.

 

It's killing me to let her associate with the OM and also that I haven't been able to just stand up once and for all put a stop to it. And it does make me furious that this guy is taking her away from me. I really don't think any woman in her right mind would choose him over me, especially my wife! He has many of the same traits that she always hated about me and that I've lately been changing.

 

I'm thinking that I should be preparing for Plan B before taking any more action. Meanwhile, I'm swallowing my pride and anger and continuing Plan A in the hopes that a few more weeks will start to change her mind. Does this sound like it might work?

 

Another question: will it help to have an MC tell her to go NC with OM instead of me (assuming I can get her to go)? Or does it have to come from me?

[Ladyjane14]

More than once I've told her to end contact with him and I've then backed off because of her anger and the fear that she would immediately file for divorce.

 

Yeah, she might do that. There's nothing you could ultimately do to stop her if that's TRULY what she wants to do. Following that line of thought....pacifying her behavior will be equally unfruitful, because there's nothing you can ultimately do that will pacify her ENOUGH.

 

....but then when I mention NC with the OM, she's all about how she can't live like this and won't have me controlling her and telling her who can be her 'friends.'

 

But we're not talking about "friends", we're talking about a relationship that has crossed the line to inappropriate behavior, as witnessed by:

 

I've caught my wife kissing this guy in MY OWN HOUSE after we watched a movie together one night. She claims that she initiated the whole thing and that he said no, he couldn't do that to me. I watched the whole night while she traded glances with him and flirted and I couldn't believe it was happening right in front of me. For a while he was holding MY BABY, too!

 

There's no going back from that. The Trust is broken irrevokably in regards to that particular "friend". In essence, she is choosing 'friendship' with an individual who is consummately your enemy. There becomes a conflict of interest in loyalty....one that cannot be overcome until conditions change.

 

She later told me that they had agreed to just be 'friends.' Meanwhile they continued talking every night and let each other know that they had real 'feelings' for each other. They still talk every day as far as I can tell.

 

She has no right to agree to "just be friends" with an enemy of your family. It is disloyal to you, and having destroyed the friendship herself by engaging in inappropriate behavior, it is she who has forfeited it.

 

Let's face it...she can't "bond" with someone else without taking something away from you, her husband. Every last bit of attention or affection that she spends on this guy, she takes off your plate. That's because it's NOT friendship. That ship already sailed. It's ROMANTIC INTEREST in another man, aka....an emotional affair, whereby your wife is having at least some of her emotional needs met outside the parameters of the committed relationship, while withholding ENs from YOU.

 

She makes it sound like what I did was far worse than what she's doing. Is it? I'm not trying to excuse what I did, but I would like to know if what I did was so much worse.

 

There's no difference.....except that YOU aren't doing it anymore, and she still is. "Platonic" relationships don't destroy marriages. And refraining from intercourse doesn't necessarily mean that a relationship is platonic or innocent.

 

I'm thinking that I should be preparing for Plan B before taking any more action. Meanwhile, I'm swallowing my pride and anger and continuing Plan A in the hopes that a few more weeks will start to change her mind. Does this sound like it might work?

 

Yes, I think it makes definate sense. Just remember that even though you're offering a particularly sweet carrot....that doesn't mean you have to put down your stick.

 

OM needs to get out of your homelife. If WW can't stand the idea of it... there's nothing stopping her from taking her affair 'on the road'. But that's your home too. It should be an oasis, not a source of stress where your WW rubs her affair on your nose 24/7.

 

Another question: will it help to have an MC tell her to go NC with OM instead of me (assuming I can get her to go)? Or does it have to come from me?

 

The MC can reinforce the idea that contact needs to stop, but this is ultimately YOUR emotional need. Don't be afraid to own it. You're not controlling your spouse's behaviour so much as you are letting her know what your boundaries are. You don't intend to live with a cheating wife for the rest of your life, do you? It's only fair that she knows it. This isn't something that you WANT, it's something that you NEED to continue on as her husband.

 

She can't stay married to you in perpetuity and not commit. It's one thing to spend a little time in uncertainty, trying to get her head together. It's another thing to steal your emotional sustenance and give it to someone else. You can miss a few meals....but at some point, you'll have to be fed or face starvation. Best she know it.

[DesperateDad]

Thanks for setting me straight again, LJ. I'm really having trouble at this point trying to maintain my balance. After reading what you've written and thinking about it a bit, I'm feeling a little better.

 

Sometimes I think how nice it would be to not have to worry about this situation any more, to just let her do what she wants. I could go out and date and party, etc, but then I think about my kids being without me or being raised by someone else. They will suffer so much and I just can't let this go without a fight. My children are definitely worth it.

 

I know my wife and I can patch things up if we can just get through this. I really do think the OM is the biggest sticking point. I wish I had the balls to be more direct and then stick to my guns. I'll just have to wait a little more until I have my ducks in a row before I do anything.

[blueberry]

i think she was crying out for attention from you, thats all..

 

give it to her.

[blueberry]

i mean, give it to her like respecting her space and needs, but you also need to get on with things and show her you are coping. Even if it is a front.

 

methinks she wants her attention t'is all....show her what an amazing woman she is, all whilst maintaining a respectful distance and a wee air of coolness.

 

play the game brother