Is This All My Fault & If So Do I Deserve This Now?

[swirly27]

Hello Everyone,

 

So I've been reading through alot of these posts for the last year or so and I love reading these, it has helped me alot in my past breakup, but now I have a new situation and I think I already know the answer, but you know how it is when you question everything! lol Ok, here goes:

 

I will try to keep this short. I met a great guy online last summer, but I will admit when I met him, I was not over a prior ex. I was trying to get back out there and meet new people and it had been awhile since I had seen that prior ex, so I didn't think I was jumping the gun getting back into the scene and I intended to be honest with anyone new I met anyway. Thats just what I did when I met this guy. We started chatting online and then of course on the phone and it was great, we had the best conversations and I let him know from the beginning that I am someone who always needs to go slow and I had gone thru some past stuff that this was especially true at that point in my life - thats all I asked for, to just proceed slowly, like any 2 normal people might do when they are first mtg. Unfortunately I think me saying this made him like me more because after our first date, he was smitten big time and within that first week asked me where I thought this was going. I know that sounds crazy right off the bat, but we had talked soooo much and I could tell he was such a great guy that I let his overeagerness slide and tried to just talk with him about how we only had 2 dates at that point and I did like him so I just re-reminded him that I needed to go slow and again he said okay.

 

I could go on and on and on but we ended up dating for about 9 months and in that time, it was good and not so good. He was very clingy and sometimes smothering but not in a way that made me run for the hills. He just questioned everything all the time and I felt like we never had a chance to just progress naturally. Maybe me telling him I needed to go slow from the beginning threw things off, I don't know anymore, but we ended up breaking up, twice, my doing.

 

I have never been in this situation before where I feel like I hurt someone else and I know I hurt him when I broke things off. The first time he was just sooooo smothering that I felt backed into a corner, but I also saw him as such a great guy and I knew I had my own baggage I was still dealing with so I took responsibility for it as well. The 2nd time we were just fighting so much and I was very upset to break it off but obviously not upset enough since I did it. I am very hard on myself and analyze things too much but after that 2nd breakup I was very upset and missed him, but I knew we just needed some time apart. He asked for us not to be friends cause it would hurt him, so I obliged. A few weeks later he called and we started to talk again and it was great. No pressure and no questions and no constant clingy-ness and we got along great. We did make plans to meet up and I started to feel differently and I was excited about that. Almost as soon as that happened, he changed, which figures right.

 

There is so much more to this story and I know there are 2 sides to every story and I do not think he is an evil bad man, but for the last 4 months, I have been trying to see if we could work at things again and he has changed sooooo much and is not the same man. You'd think that alone could answer my question of what to do now but its not that black and white. I didn't expect him to do cartwheels cause I finally realized I felt different but he called me and this is what he said he wanted all along and he even told me he loved me - but then he's been distant and shady the last 4 months. He'll tell me he's been busy and he's not going to kiss my ass anymore, which I never asked him to do, but its gotten now to the point where I am ignoring him because he has been stringing me along, playing games and everything for the last 4 months. I have tried everything since I felt like I had to prove to him that I felt things differently - I tried calling, IM'ing, texting, not doing those things, leaving nice messages, sending nice emails, even stopping at his house and leaving a note - I thought I needed to prove to him that I was serious - but he became ignorant and downright degrading at times, which rips me to the core. Gosh, writing this I know how it must sound, but for the 9 months we dated, he was really a great and caring guy, just too smothering for me at the time, but now I feel like I need to do NC but I am scared too. I'm afraid its my fault and I missed my chance - maybe I did but then he doesn't deserve to play games with me now right, he should be straight. Any insights??

[Guest]

sounds like EXACTLY what happened to me. its actually scary how sameish it is. and to be honest i came to the thread hoping there would be some advice for me. all i can say is good luck and I hope you get him back, but only when he stops being such an ass

[swirly27]

So since it sounds exactly what happened to you, what did exactly happen to you? Maybe we can share our stories and help each other out. Some more has happened in the last few weeks and I am almost wondering how I could judge someone so wrong.....is he the man I dated for 9 months or is he this immature, ignorant and spiteful man he is now??? Its so heart breaking to see such opposite sides to the same person. What did you end up doing? Right now, with the way he has been, I have no choice but to cut him out of my life and thats what I did a little over a week ago, I blocked him on IM and tried to just put this behind me. But then he had a friend of his add me as a buddy on aol and I can even understand that, because I guess he got suspicious that he never saw me online anymore, but then this friend, who's a girl by the way, actually Im'd me and told me she was checking on me for her friend Randy.....I felt like we were in the 5th grade again passing notes about boys....how immature can you get. I decided to then delete that screen name and make a whole new one up so no one could bother me like that again. How can he be such a professional, sensitive, intuitive smart man at one point and now this childish, immature, 5th grader now? Blows my mind. I never in a million years thought he would be this way....EVER. Shows how wrong I was.

[Guest]

Swirly,

 

Not so sure you were wrong with your initial impressions of the guy. There is certainly no valid explanation for his behavior! I am a guy in the same situation as your friend and after two stoppages in my relationship with a girl that I extremely care for she came back and professed her new realizations for me. I find that as much as I want to be with her and as much as I care, I simply have lots of internal animosity over how I had been treated in the past and at times find myself sharing that frustration with her now. I feel that the innocence between us is lost and at times I don't feel safe at all from the possibilities of her simply walking away again even as she professes that it wont happen. I guess when it comes down to it I never fully healed from the past with her and simply carried my anger and disappointment into our present involvement when I should be seeing this as a new start with someone great. So after all my babble here.........you can't control his ability to separate the past and the present and since he appears to have not been able to do so I recommend that you simply proceed with your actions. Unfortunately what you had a long time ago is gone now and you should not feel bad as you did what you felt was best at that point in time.

[Guest]

Swirly,

 

You were probably not so wrong about this the first time around. While I certainly dont condone his behaviors, I think I have an answer for you as to why they are occurring. I am very much in the same situation as your friend in that the girl I am with, and one that I have always cared about and always will, has left me twice in the past and is now back with me professing her new found realizations about how wonderful I am. I have realized myself that I did not take enough time to fully recover from the past rejections and have seen myself carry over some animosity into this new chance and have taken some frustrations out on her. I guess with what has gone on in the past I am still quite weery of her intentions, regardless of her new found effort, and just do not feel safe that she simply won't jump and run at any moment. It's difficult but I am trying to recognize that in order for us to work out, we must attack this relationship as if it is new and not reflect as much on the past. Easier said than done and it will take both of our efforts for sure. I guess what I am trying to say is that your friend obviously is not ready, nor willing at this point, to give you guys the real chance that you will need. He obviously is still quite angry and unfortunately you are not the one that can help him resolve his anger issues. You are doing the right thing by moving on with your life. Never look back in terms of thinking if you gave something good up as you made the best decision for yourself at that point in your life! Best of luck.

[upsetnhurt]

Swirly,

 

You were probably not so wrong about this the first time around. While I certainly dont condone his behaviors, I think I have an answer for you as to why they are occurring. I am very much in the same situation as your friend in that the girl I am with, and one that I have always cared about and always will, has left me twice in the past and is now back with me professing her new found realizations about how wonderful I am. I have realized myself that I did not take enough time to fully recover from the past rejections and have seen myself carry over some animosity into this new chance and have taken some frustrations out on her. I guess with what has gone on in the past I am still quite weery of her intentions, regardless of her new found effort, and just do not feel safe that she simply won't jump and run at any moment. It's difficult but I am trying to recognize that in order for us to work out, we must attack this relationship as if it is new and not reflect as much on the past. Easier said than done and it will take both of our efforts for sure. I guess what I am trying to say is that your friend obviously is not ready, nor willing at this point, to give you guys the real chance that you will need. He obviously is still quite angry and unfortunately you are not the one that can help him resolve his anger issues. You are doing the right thing by moving on with your life. Never look back in terms of thinking if you gave something good up as you made the best decision for yourself at that point in your life! Best of luck.

[swirly27]

Thank you Upset for giving me your viewpoint on things. It is very much appreciated and I totally agree with you. I guess it is such a huge shellshock to know that I dated this guy who was so sensitive and caring and mature and overall a great guy and now he has turned into this immature, ignorant and sometimes very degarding A-HOLE. I can't believe it is the same guy, but I kept putting up with his crap because I thought I deserved it. I derserve for him to be hesitant, weary and a little uneasy, or alot maybe, but I didn't treat him like sh*t, I just wasn't where he was before and he was so clingy and smothering that I couldn't take it. The way I see that, he has to take responsibility for that to, but I guess he doesn't want to. What hurt me the most is he called me, back in January, he wanted to be friends again, he wanted to see how I was and when things started going the way he wanted them to, then he just retracted it all......told me he loved me and then BAM, just backed off......its like when he got what he wanted, he didn't really want it.....so was it all a game the whole time? Was it just a challenge for the 9 months we dated because he was into me more than I was to him? Would a guy seriously remained interested in someone for that long just cause it was challenging? It blows my mind.....I was 'with' him, not anyone else, I just didn't feel for him what he says he felt for me......but the way he is being to me now is just soooo uncalled for and I should be more used to his behavior now since it has been going on for almost 5 months now, but each time something happens, I am shocked again and again or hurt....I NEVER in a million years thought he would be this ignorant or mean. Upset, it sounds like the way you are trying to handle things now is how a more mature man would be and I hope it all works out for you. Thanks again. Anymore feedback would be greatly appreciated!

[upsetnhurt]

Swirly,

 

Don't put much thought into figuring out why he has changed so much.......just realize that as much as you felt differently about both of your situations during the nine months you were together, he does too now. Its ironic yet all your thoughts as to why he doesn't show the interest to you now he was asking himself during all those nine months.

 

I have come to realize that regardless of how sweet, caring and loving two people are with one another, if the timing is not right it is just not right and failure between yourselves is inevitable. You certainly did not deserve to be treated like you were for five months and did right by removing yourself from the equation. I promise if it is meant to be in the future, it will happen without you having to go through this torture.

 

As for me, I am far from mature yet just have been able to come to some realizations before its too late and want to ensure I give it my best shot.

[swirly27]

Upset, I am hoping you'll have a response to this since it seems you have gone thru something so similar, but any other responses are just as welcome.

From the last time I wrote, I basically backed off and kinda took myself out of the equation. The biggest way he would try to communicate with me was always on IM and it always ended badly, him being cocky or had a chip on his shoulder and I couldn't stand it, yet for so long I couldn't not be online cause I always wanted to be available for him to talk to. Well, it got to the point where I couldn't do it anymore - if he wanted to talk to me he could grow up and call me and be respectful too. So, I blocked him - well, he ended up having one of his woman friends check online and write me to see if she could see me, which she could and she said he wanted to know why I blocked him - real mature huh?

 

So, I kindly told her because it was for the best and that it wasn't her place to ask. That was that and I ended up making a whole new screen name so that couldn't happen again - other stuff occurred in this time but that was the brink of it and I didn't hear anything for about a month.

 

So this past saturday night I was actually home relaxing and he called. I missed the call and didn't even know if I thought he deserved me calling him back, for all the games, ignoring and ignorance he has shown me - but I did. I figured I don't want to act like him and if he was rude, I'd end the conversation. But, he was just the opposite. Yes, he was drunk, having a party at his house and stowed away in his car to talk to me for about an hour and a half - telling me all the things I have been dying to hear, about how hurt he's been and he's been trying to hurt me back but he is still in love with me and blah blah blah. Well, he said he'd call me back and I haven't heard anything from him. What is that about?? I feel like we're in highschool again and I am not trying to rush him but its breaking my heart that he finally made an attempt to say all these things and talk for so long and then nothing. Does he regret calling, did he not mean any of it and was bored, was he just checking that I'd still talk to him? Everyone tells me to calm down and not get worked up but my heart has been thru so many games with him now and I know I hurt him, but I didn't tug him around like this - sounds easy to say 'move on' but its not when I know I hurt him first. I just wonder if I'll ever hear from him again.

[Guest]

Swirly,

 

You definitely will hear from him again and sooner than later I bet. The problem is that the communication is not going to lead to what you are hoping for. Please don't put too much credence into his words the other night as you said it yourself, he was drunk! He obviously at this point does not feel the same for you as you do him. Not to say that it can't happen in the future yet your heart is simply going to hurt more with any increased communication with him at this point. What good is in it for you to speak with him at this point? I for one would not have called him back.........and would have waited till he called again. Not faulting you as I bet you were thinking it would show him how much you care by calling yet it simply shows him that he can treat you like garbage most times and you will still pay him respect. Do yourself a favor and avoid any communication with him. Let him grow up on his own and unfortunately you need space to start living your life again without constantly thinking you need him to be happy. I bet after months go by, as hard as they will be, you will wake up and realize that being with someone should not be as difficult as this situation you are in.

[swirly27]

I know, I fought hard with the decision of whether or not to call him back. I waited 2 hrs and then I finally did. This has been really hard for me cause all this time I 'know' I don't deserve to be treated like crap or played with, no one does. So, I didn't want to play games and not call when all I really wanted to do was call, and like I mentioned I figured I could control the situation - if he was rude, I'd end it. But he wasn't.

 

Its just been really hard cause this is really the first time for me where I felt like I really hurt someone first and now I can't decide between what my heart feels versus my head and my own guilt - but the worst thing I did to him was not feel what he was feeling it 'when' he was feeling it. I am sure that hurt him alot but I don't deserve to be treated sooo ignorantly either - yet I know what its like to be hurt and scared and act out like this, although I was never this degrading to a man who hurt me, but guys react differently than girls - especially guys who really truly had their hearts broken.

[Love Hurts]

You now see the True Man.

 

The one that was disguised. In the begining he tried his usual plan for success to captivate and seduce a female.

You. ... you were different... stronger. You broke it off with him twice.

 

Ok.......... shattered him. Now what you see is the true man.........

The game player........ that always was ..... See now through a turn of events... He suddenly has you ... where he was intended on taking you to begin with...

 

The needy smitten female................. which empoweres him. The low-self-esteem male. What ever the avenue taken........... His plan is in play.

 

You hunger for him.......... his play 'alusive'........(his nature) and generally,

these guys have more than one female on the string.

 

Cut yourself out of the web..................

 

Freedom from is better than any bells he could ring.

[swirly27]

Love Hurts -

 

That has always been my biggest fear, that he was a player all along and the reason he was sooooo into me that whole previous time was because I was like a challenge - I wasn't 'really' but I guess emotionally I was. But this guy was just sooo open with all aspects of his life and we did have a period when we dated before where I tried to open completely up to him and it went ok for a little while and he was still so into me and caring - but I guess enough time hadn't passed and it still didn't work out for us.

 

I guess I'd hate to think that any situation like this always leads to the guy just 'playing' all along. I have met too many players and I don't want to build up more walls always fearing that will happen again. I know that every situation is different and I know I can learn from every experience I have but I just wonder, is there any way this will ever work out for us. I know no one here can answer that and sometimes people do work their way back to one another, but I know in my head that only comes with time and forgiveness and mutual respect. Its just harder for my heart to remember that when I am actively living it - its always easier to give that advice after I am over a situation.