How Did You Feel Later...

[Wicked Wanda]

I am considering spilling all to the W of my MM to clear my conscience and get on with my life.... I was wondering if anyone else out there did just that and how you felt afterwards....

 

I'm curious...

[Lishy]

Dont be so damn evil! You want to spill to her to get them to split up, not to clear your conscience!

 

Of he wanted to be with you, he would be!

 

The best way to clear your conscience is to stay away from him and leave his wife out of it!

 

Poor woman that she is having a husband like him, she does not need more s***e than the guy she married!

[2sunny]

I am considering spilling all to the W of my MM to clear my conscience and get on with my life.... I was wondering if anyone else out there did just that and how you felt afterwards....

 

I'm curious...

 

 

I agree with Lishy...

 

Couldn't help but notice your name as wicked wanda after reading your post.... Jeeeez, most appropriate....

[whichwayisup]

If you are looking for her to forgive you or tell you that all is OK, you're mistaken.

 

If you need to clear your conscience, forgive yourself. Realize the mistakes you've made and try not to allow yourself to fall for a MM.

 

Telling her to clear your conscience isn't the right reason to come clean with her. You will destroy HER.

[Lishy]

I thought that too, about the name Sunny!

 

Like it is not enough that she is screwing her hubby, now she wants to rub her nose in it!

 

Some people!

[Wicked Wanda]

Don't be so ignorant or so arrogant! Perhaps she should know! He's been at it from the very beginning of their marriage and has left her for someone else... B.W.W. She's taken him back but never forgiven him...

 

and the name is more for my temper!

[Lishy]

Go find a single guy! Is that a plan?

 

Who is the ignorant and arrogant one? Me or the girl who screws married men and then wants to brag about it to his wife?

 

Get real!

[OneSadArtist]

Hey WW,

 

The conscience can be a powerful motive. If it's really bothering you, I suggest writing her a letter saying what you want to say and then burn it. Don't ever give it to her. This will release a lot of your guilt without creating more havoc and pain in the world than there already is.

 

If you want to do it to split them up, he'd hate you for it and probably have nothing to do with you after. I agree with a previous statement, if he wanted to leave, he would.

 

OSA

[Lishy]

He's been at it from the very beginning of their marriage and has left her for someone else... B.W.W. She's taken him back but never forgiven him...

 

 

What a prize of a guy you have there!

 

You suit each other!

[Blind Illusion]

I wouldn't do it! For whatever reason.

 

I read another post by you and I do feel for you. Honestly, I do. Twenty years is a long time to be involved in another person's life. I don't care if you were married, in an affair or surgically joined by the hip, the other person is bound to affect you and I don't think that people should be so judgmental, here or anywhere else for that matter.

 

It almost seems like the wife is aware of her husband's ways anyhow so its not like you are giving her any revelations.

 

If the guilt is really getting to you, just forgive yourself and move on. We're all human.

[movinon05]

I wouldn't do it! For whatever reason.

 

I read another post by you and I do feel for you. Honestly, I do. Twenty years is a long time to be involved in another person's life. I don't care if you were married, in an affair or surgically joined by the hip, the other person is bound to affect you and I don't think that people should be so judgmental, here or anywhere else for that matter.

 

It almost seems like the wife is aware of her husband's ways anyhow so its not like you are giving her any revelations.

 

If the guilt is really getting to you, just forgive yourself and move on. We're all human.

 

I agree. What's the point? If she knows he cheats on her, this one won't make any difference either.

[No Stress Lady]

I wouldn't do it! For whatever reason.

 

I read another post by you and I do feel for you. Honestly, I do. Twenty years is a long time to be involved in another person's life. I don't care if you were married, in an affair or surgically joined by the hip, the other person is bound to affect you and I don't think that people should be so judgmental, here or anywhere else for that matter.

 

It almost seems like the wife is aware of her husband's ways anyhow so its not like you are giving her any revelations.

 

If the guilt is really getting to you, just forgive yourself and move on. We're all human.

 

Yes BI I agree - always the same people too...........!!!!

 

I agree with your post - the OP shouldn't spill to the wife - that's between the wife and her husband.

 

If you feel bad Wanda, just try to learn from your experience and as BI says, move on. Telling his wife will NOT make YOU feel any better. It will make you feel worse - it's not her fault she has a cheating husband and she'll find out herself eventually - she may even know already. He chose her, she chose him - if he's the cheater you say he is then walk away and don't waste any more energy on him. His wife will NOT appreciate you telling her about him.

[OzGirl]

I wanted to tell the W all and reveal everything to her. I was hoping that it would get ME the truth - the truth about the state of his M, or if it was true (that they were separated), would be a catalyst for her to leave so it could speed up me being with the MM.

 

When she did find out, we spoke. Not much, but she rang me, and it resulted in me basically saying "rather than answer your questions, the fact that you're asking ME them should be the answer to all of them - you don't trust him".

 

They weren't separated, and she didn't leave him.

 

Plus, from what I can gather, you being the OW means your MM will probably tell the W you are jealous and it's not true, and she will want to believe him, and will, and you will be the bad one, and he will be the good one, in her eyes.

 

So, from my own experience and extensively reading that of others, I really can't see what you will achieve. You won't hurt him by doing it, and you will infuriate her, but he will blame you for his hurt, and so will she, and that will give them that sense of "team work" to work through this ordeal of the crazy OW.

 

If you are posting and not considering what other people think, then don't bother posting. You wanted to know what other people think, and I really do think you ought to just walk away from him if you want out. You're not in a position to be taken seriously by the W, so accept that, and worry about your life from now on, and let others deal with their own.

[Torn Up]

Not worth it, Wicked!

 

I didn't tell my exMM's wife, she found out and I will NEVER forget the absolute devestation that swallowed her upon discovery that her H was cheating on her, lying to her, and basically betrayed her in the worst way a human can betray another.

 

And if there are children involved, it effects their lives too. It spawns a rippling effect that can destroy those it touches.

 

Don't do it! Nothing but damage can come of it.

 

~Torn~

[Sami_D]

Hello Wicked Wanda.

 

I haven't read your other post yet, so I don't know your story, but.

 

I completely understand your motivation (been there, wanted to tell her, etc.) But, I wouldn't tell her. Because I don't know Any story where the OW told the W and it turned out well for her. You really have nothing to gain from it, and probably will end up feeling worse.

 

I'd like to add ~ don't take any notice of the judgmental crowd. They will often jump in on specific threads, especially at the beginning, but apart from that the forum is pretty safe for sharing if you want to stick around.

 

Hugs for you.

[Wicked Wanda]

Thanks for all your help and encouragement. I have tried the letter writing and have tons of letters sitting around, (no, haven't torn them up yet), not only to him but to anyone else who has hurt me. It is cleansing as is the crying but it's not quite enough.

 

I think I've reached the point where I have to do something drastic. I have agonized over this for over a year now and have made my decision but I am not sure of how to go about leaving him and ensuring that he doesn't come back as he has in the past and, most importantly, that I won't take him back. He knows that I am weak and he would wait for years on end, if necessary, and then show up.

 

I don't want her forgiveness and would apololgize profusely for hurting her if I am indeed doing that. After all, she may know all about me and the others. The end result would ultimately hurt him, yes, but being as thick-skinned as he is, he would soon forget and try again.

 

For once, I am trying to think only of myself. If I consider his feelings, I would stay in the relationship as long as he wanted. And if I consider hers, I would also probably stay in the relationship as long as he wanted and agonize over how to get out.

 

I'm caught between a rock and a hard place!

[2sunny]

Sami D -

 

I usually love your point of view and think you have great advice, but you responded in a fashion that seems out of character for you...

 

You did not inform yourself of the circumstances and responded on a whim.

 

I usually love your perspective, but I have to say you may have spoken out of turn....

 

The situation seems a bit too vindictive for me to feel comfortable.... just my gut....

[scarletletter]

Belive me, no good will come to you from telling the wife. It will make things worse for you. I'm not going into how I know this but have been in the company of people who have done this. 100% chance of turning your life into a living hell, as well as hers. Just leave her out of it. If you want to get back at him for something or have him to yourself, whatever the reason...don't do it through the wife. It would be a very bad decision and no good will come of it. He will cut you off totally and try everything to make her forgive him ...AGAIN. Just don't do it.

[OzGirl]

I agree - if he's done this before (cheated), then you are at least fortunate to see a pattern, being, that he has them, but is still married. What does that tell you?

 

We all (OW or ex-OW) feel/felt we were an exception to the rule. It rarely happens that we are - and it's a huge amount of pride to swallow when you try and accept that when you've given so much of 'the best of yourself' to someone.

 

Breaking it off with a MM is a bit like doing on a diet - if you lapse for one meal, then don't beat yourself up, just get back to the track you were on and try and stay on it. If you try NC, and you fail from time to time, don't get to upset - it's part of the process of forming new habits, and as long as you try and keep moving forward, one day you will look back and see you actually have moved forward quite a lot more than you thought you ever could in the beginning.

 

Best of luck.

[lovernotafighter]

I agree - if he's done this before (cheated), then you are at least fortunate to see a pattern, being, that he has them, but is still married. What does that tell you?

 

We all (OW or ex-OW) feel/felt we were an exception to the rule. It rarely happens that we are - and it's a huge amount of pride to swallow when you try and accept that when you've given so much of 'the best of yourself' to someone.

 

Breaking it off with a MM is a bit like doing on a diet - if you lapse for one meal, then don't beat yourself up, just get back to the track you were on and try and stay on it. If you try NC, and you fail from time to time, don't get to upset - it's part of the process of forming new habits, and as long as you try and keep moving forward, one day you will look back and see you actually have moved forward quite a lot more than you thought you ever could in the beginning.

 

Best of luck.

excellent response ozgrl this is actually what I needed to hear as well...thank you!

[Blind Illusion]

excellent response ozgrl this is actually what I needed to hear as well...thank you!

I agree. Me too (needing to hear that)

 

Unfortunately, I never jump right back with diets either. Must be my "addictive nature" Grrrrrrr

[lovernotafighter]

I agree. Me too (needing to hear that)

 

Unfortunately, I never jump right back with diets either. Must be my "addictive nature" Grrrrrrr

 

I'll jump right back in to my diet...but I'll also throw a dolly madison snack cake in there and some how explain it away as actually being part of the plan...I think I have been having MM in my diet far to long..need to lose those extra calories:laugh:

[OzGirl]

Well, I said that because I've tried dieting and seem to excuse myself out of it by asking myself who cares what I look like, it's inside that counts, right? Truth is, it's just plain healthier if I lost some real estate on my ass, and I do know I would feel better about myself for doing it - on the inside.

 

So, I have compared this to my own thoughts on my ex-MM many times. I have thought no matter what he did (by staying with the W), he and I both know that inside, he had a better time with me, and I really am the one great 'time' of his life.

 

But, what's the point in thinking this? At the end of the day, I know I am better off without him, and I DO feel better when I've resisted the urge to let it continue, even just electronically or by phone or whatever.

 

It's not about what I HAD with him, it's now about what I HAVE with myself. He's given me something to remember, and you know, it's still painful to reason with it all, but I really do think sometimes that he taught me a LOT about myself, and how I want to "love". One day, I think I might feel thankful for this situation and that it didn't continue on for many more years to come. I have the freedom to see if an opportunity comes my way again - it's the freedom to do so that, right now, matters to me, rather than whether that opportunity has presented itself to date or will do in the near future.

 

In the mean time, I have some real estate to get rid of, and I ain't renting it out to a MM in this life time ever again! It's a bad investment when you get no returns for your initial outlay...

[OzGirl]

In fact (now I'm getting right off topic - apologies), how many OW out there need something ELSE to think about at the moment? I mean, it's hard to get past a bad relationship at the best of times, but we all share a common struggle.

 

And, I'm an advocate for the idea that you get over your last love when you meet the next real one.

 

Well, what if we decide, as a group, to find our next new love - with ourselves?

 

Maybe we can start a thread for us to get ourselves into some sort of shape? Maybe some of us would actually like to lose some weight? Or re-visit an old hobby, or DO something that takes our focus off the MM for a nano-second at LEAST!

 

Even if we just nominate one day of each week to post an update on our progress, and mid-week, post when we need support or help?

 

I know we're not all in the exact same position of being with MM - some still are, some contemplating leaving, some struggling leaving, some leaving and going back, some gone completely.... BUT, can it do us any harm?

 

Plus, to be honest - I kinda 'trust' you all to openly discuss my hurdles, and I really do listen to the advice I get. For me personally, it makes this yet another thing I don't have to do *publicly*, and can just do for myself for once.

 

Anyone else interested? I started a diet a week ago, so am going to keep going anyway, but yeah... I've broken it here and there, and to date, am just "hoping" half the time I will wake up skinny one morning and I don't really have to put these hard yards in. I hate it, but one day, I might just step on the scales and say it was actually worth it.

 

Anyway, will leave it up to you all to let me know if you think it's something you want to do or not - I'm not going to cry all over the floor if you don't, but I'm hoping there's a few supporters there who want something new and positive to focus on - I feel like I'm at a point where I need that, and can actually commit to it.

[Jessie61]

 

Maybe we can start a thread for us to get ourselves into some sort of shape? Maybe some of us would actually like to lose some weight? Or re-visit an old hobby, or DO something that takes our focus off the MM for a nano-second at LEAST!

 

Even if we just nominate one day of each week to post an update on our progress, and mid-week, post when we need support or help?

 

I know we're not all in the exact same position of being with MM - some still are, some contemplating leaving, some struggling leaving, some leaving and going back, some gone completely.... BUT, can it do us any harm?

 

Plus, to be honest - I kinda 'trust' you all to openly discuss my hurdles, and I really do listen to the advice I get. For me personally, it makes this yet another thing I don't have to do *publicly*, and can just do for myself for once.

 

Anyone else interested? I started a diet a week ago, so am going to keep going anyway, but yeah... I've broken it here and there, and to date, am just "hoping" half the time I will wake up skinny one morning and I don't really have to put these hard yards in. I hate it, but one day, I might just step on the scales and say it was actually worth it.

 

Anyway, will leave it up to you all to let me know if you think it's something you want to do or not - I'm not going to cry all over the floor if you don't, but I'm hoping there's a few supporters there who want something new and positive to focus on - I feel like I'm at a point where I need that, and can actually commit to it.

 

 

Ozgirl,

 

Great idea! Whatever stage we're at with MM (your list is pretty good BTW! ), we need to take our minds off HIM now and again. I am pretty skinny anyway, but I have started physical training to ease the stress. AND I have taken up photography - again there is nothing like a beautiful photo of nature to ease stress!

 

Like yourself, I listen to any advice given and I certainly try to consider other people's situations before giving advice so that I don't end up just giving "standard solutions" because it is the easy thing to do!

 

I think we should go for it!