How Did You Feel Later...

[movinon05]

I think this is a great idea. Last week, before exMM contacted me with the roses, I wrote the thread "Well Girls". I was upbeat and happy and off for a weekend with my BF. We had a great time. I'm calmer now after my "blow" this week and getting back on track again. Its almost 7 mo. now with my BF and we continue to have great times - albeit its only on weekends. But we go hiking almost every weekend and its so great and refreshing and uplifting and like spiritual cleansing to be outdoors, especially with the weather getting nicer.

 

I'm all for doing this. If nothing else, it will prove to all of us that we can find good times and be able to "live", no matter what we are going through.

 

I say, yes. We need a thread just for uplifting news! And maybe I'll finally get the catalyst to get out there and shed some pounds myself. The winter killed me!

[Sami_D]

Sami D -

 

I usually love your point of view and think you have great advice, but you responded in a fashion that seems out of character for you...

 

You did not inform yourself of the circumstances and responded on a whim.

 

I usually love your perspective, but I have to say you may have spoken out of turn....

 

The situation seems a bit too vindictive for me to feel comfortable.... just my gut....

 

I'm sorry but I'm not sure what you mean here... you mean you think Wanda should tell the wife? That isn't what I wrote, was it?

 

(confused and tired so sorry for the um... misunderstanding?)

[Blind Illusion]

.

 

Well, what if we decide, as a group, to find our next new love - with ourselves?

 

Maybe we can start a thread for us to get ourselves into some sort of shape? Maybe some of us would actually like to lose some weight? Or re-visit an old hobby, or DO something that takes our focus off the MM for a nano-second at LEAST!

 

Even if we just nominate one day of each week to post an update on our progress, and mid-week, post when we need support or help?

 

I know we're not all in the exact same position of being with MM - some still are, some contemplating leaving, some struggling leaving, some leaving and going back, some gone completely.... BUT, can it do us any harm?

 

Plus, to be honest - I kinda 'trust' you all to openly discuss my hurdles, and I really do listen to the advice I get. For me personally, it makes this yet another thing I don't have to do *publicly*, and can just do for myself for once.

 

Anyone else interested? I started a diet a week ago, so am going to keep going anyway, but yeah... I've broken it here and there, and to date, am just "hoping" half the time I will wake up skinny one morning and I don't really have to put these hard yards in. I hate it, but one day, I might just step on the scales and say it was actually worth it.

 

 

I am very interested. I keep starting and restarting this love affair with myself in terms of diet and exercise but keep losing my motivation. perhaps if I was posting in a group, I'd do better in the motivation department. I do know when I am not taking care of me & I am feeling down regarding the MM, I start to feel so hopeless. I need to remember the only thing I really have control over is me & what I do to make myself a better, happier person. Count me in.

[OzGirl]

Okay, well, I guess - where should we post it? I really want to post it in the OW/OM forum because I feel comfortable and at *home* here, and the people who've carried me (and maybe I've helped carry?) are here.

 

But, it's off topic, so maybe it shouldn't be?

 

Either way, how does "Operation: Ipse E Um" - latin for "self"?

 

Deadset - you know, great things come from small beginnings. Maybe, we all need to learn to just expect more of ourselves, and stop placing this responsibility on others?

 

I can vouch, ANY FRIKKIN DAY OF THE WEEK, that the ex-MM is responsible for the best of me. But, you know, I DO like the concept of "f@ck him", he ain't seen nothin' yet! AND, thinking that and not actually needing him or anyone else to see it (if that makes sense?).

 

I mean, let's face it. We're all smart, loving, caring woman, who would have given their left kidney for the man they love? We all had some sort of horrible experience that made us appreciate the MM for making us feel like we were special, right?

 

Well, how the hell did their wives or whoever else feel they were so special they didn't have to compromise? Wouldn't THAT have been a nice place to be in? To think so assuredly, that I'm worth every frikkin' piece of effort a man can give and there IS not compromise? Even worthy of being proposed to by my best friend? Now THERE'S a feeling I don't know... sheeeessshhh, boy don't I really know.

 

Whatever, my world is mine. I own it, and f@cked if I'm not going to define what I own! OK, a few wines and I'm on my high horse. So what? I feel good, and I will read my post tomorrow and think "you silly twat", and I won't care. I trust myself and I trust what I want, and what I want is to feel GOOD for once, WITHOUT depending on someone else to do that for me.

 

Blame my childhood or whatever. Maybe it's a given to some. Blessed are they who it is. For me, it's a struggle and a fight and a pain in the ass that I'm REALLY getting sick of.

 

Someone else start the thread so I know where it is, and I'll be there, bells on, warts and all, for you all to know how, I'm really only 10Kgs overweight and do you THINK I can lose it? No. Anyone would think I was asked to have a leg amputated the way I approach losing it. It annoys me that I'm not strong enough.

 

Well, thanks to you guys, and I mean ONLY you guys, I have managed to get rid of that prick MM who f@cked up my life for a while. Without you - he and I would still be phone buddies, him telling him he misses me, me thinking he loves me. HA! Oh god... it's almost embarrassing, my naivitiy... *whatever*.

 

Doesn't matter now. Point me in the direction where you think it should be - here or in the "mind body and soul" area, and I'm there - fat ass and all, saying you people, you invisible people, who really, are *merely* text on my screen... you KNOW my pain, you heard it, you said it, you intepreted it, you felt it, you have suffered it, and boy oh boy have I felt yours..... you know things about me no one else knows... if we can get through this, we can get through anything. I'm in.

 

How about someone else start the thread and I'm there. I'm quite happy to be *biggest loser* to start with, because I've already bared my soul. It could have been run over by a train, literally..... I could not have shown you more of myself.

 

BRING IT F@CKING ON!

[movinon05]

Okay, well, I guess - where should we post it? I really want to post it in the OW/OM forum because I feel comfortable and at *home* here, and the people who've carried me (and maybe I've helped carry?) are here.

 

But, it's off topic, so maybe it shouldn't be?

 

Either way, how does "Operation: Ipse E Um" - latin for "self"?

 

Deadset - you know, great things come from small beginnings. Maybe, we all need to learn to just expect more of ourselves, and stop placing this responsibility on others?

 

I can vouch, ANY FRIKKIN DAY OF THE WEEK, that the ex-MM is responsible for the best of me. But, you know, I DO like the concept of "f@ck him", he ain't seen nothin' yet! AND, thinking that and not actually needing him or anyone else to see it (if that makes sense?).

 

I mean, let's face it. We're all smart, loving, caring woman, who would have given their left kidney for the man they love? We all had some sort of horrible experience that made us appreciate the MM for making us feel like we were special, right?

 

Well, how the hell did their wives or whoever else feel they were so special they didn't have to compromise? Wouldn't THAT have been a nice place to be in? To think so assuredly, that I'm worth every frikkin' piece of effort a man can give and there IS not compromise? Even worthy of being proposed to by my best friend? Now THERE'S a feeling I don't know... sheeeessshhh, boy don't I really know.

 

Whatever, my world is mine. I own it, and f@cked if I'm not going to define what I own! OK, a few wines and I'm on my high horse. So what? I feel good, and I will read my post tomorrow and think "you silly twat", and I won't care. I trust myself and I trust what I want, and what I want is to feel GOOD for once, WITHOUT depending on someone else to do that for me.

 

Blame my childhood or whatever. Maybe it's a given to some. Blessed are they who it is. For me, it's a struggle and a fight and a pain in the ass that I'm REALLY getting sick of.

 

Someone else start the thread so I know where it is, and I'll be there, bells on, warts and all, for you all to know how, I'm really only 10Kgs overweight and do you THINK I can lose it? No. Anyone would think I was asked to have a leg amputated the way I approach losing it. It annoys me that I'm not strong enough.

 

Well, thanks to you guys, and I mean ONLY you guys, I have managed to get rid of that prick MM who f@cked up my life for a while. Without you - he and I would still be phone buddies, him telling him he misses me, me thinking he loves me. HA! Oh god... it's almost embarrassing, my naivitiy... *whatever*.

 

Doesn't matter now. Point me in the direction where you think it should be - here or in the "mind body and soul" area, and I'm there - fat ass and all, saying you people, you invisible people, who really, are *merely* text on my screen... you KNOW my pain, you heard it, you said it, you intepreted it, you felt it, you have suffered it, and boy oh boy have I felt yours..... you know things about me no one else knows... if we can get through this, we can get through anything. I'm in.

 

How about someone else start the thread and I'm there. I'm quite happy to be *biggest loser* to start with, because I've already bared my soul. It could have been run over by a train, literally..... I could not have shown you more of myself.

 

BRING IT F@CKING ON!

 

I say definitely keep it in the OW/OM section. Because the purpose is to uplift ourselves, prove to the OW/OM that life does go one, and give us all hope and inspiration as we are all in the same boat.

 

And I can almost guarantee that every sunday night or monday morninig i'm gonna be shouting about all the damn great sex i had that weekend! lol!

[Wicked Wanda]

Ladies, thanks again for your help! OzGirl, you wild thing, give me a few weeks to pick myself up by the knickers, brush myself off, stop snivelling and generally pulll my life back together, and I would gladly join your group.

 

I have been on the phone and on the net with the MM since, at his convenience, he's decided that he's coming over tonight. It has taken all my strength and a lot of rage and ugly words to get him to back off.

 

His last words to me on the phone were that he would give me some time to myself and call me later. I lost it! I told him outright that my life was not a revolving door and that I was not there for his convenience. When it became clear that he wasn't getting it, I told him that if he continued that I would tell his wife... That stopped him... silence on the other end... I believe I struck a nerve! He mumbled that he'll call me later and hung up....

 

I'm not sure that he will call... but if he does, I will have to decide then what to do...

 

In the meantime, all I want to do is cry....

[zarathustra]

In fact (now I'm getting right off topic - apologies), how many OW out there need something ELSE to think about at the moment? I mean, it's hard to get past a bad relationship at the best of times, but we all share a common struggle.

 

And, I'm an advocate for the idea that you get over your last love when you meet the next real one.

 

Well, what if we decide, as a group, to find our next new love - with ourselves?

 

Maybe we can start a thread for us to get ourselves into some sort of shape? Maybe some of us would actually like to lose some weight? Or re-visit an old hobby, or DO something that takes our focus off the MM for a nano-second at LEAST!

 

Even if we just nominate one day of each week to post an update on our progress, and mid-week, post when we need support or help?

 

I know we're not all in the exact same position of being with MM - some still are, some contemplating leaving, some struggling leaving, some leaving and going back, some gone completely.... BUT, can it do us any harm?

 

Plus, to be honest - I kinda 'trust' you all to openly discuss my hurdles, and I really do listen to the advice I get. For me personally, it makes this yet another thing I don't have to do *publicly*, and can just do for myself for once.

 

Anyone else interested? I started a diet a week ago, so am going to keep going anyway, but yeah... I've broken it here and there, and to date, am just "hoping" half the time I will wake up skinny one morning and I don't really have to put these hard yards in. I hate it, but one day, I might just step on the scales and say it was actually worth it.

 

Anyway, will leave it up to you all to let me know if you think it's something you want to do or not - I'm not going to cry all over the floor if you don't, but I'm hoping there's a few supporters there who want something new and positive to focus on - I feel like I'm at a point where I need that, and can actually commit to it.

 

I'm game! Yay!

[zarathustra]

Ladies, thanks again for your help! OzGirl, you wild thing, give me a few weeks to pick myself up by the knickers, brush myself off, stop snivelling and generally pulll my life back together, and I would gladly join your group.

 

I have been on the phone and on the net with the MM since, at his convenience, he's decided that he's coming over tonight. It has taken all my strength and a lot of rage and ugly words to get him to back off.

 

His last words to me on the phone were that he would give me some time to myself and call me later. I lost it! I told him outright that my life was not a revolving door and that I was not there for his convenience. When it became clear that he wasn't getting it, I told him that if he continued that I would tell his wife... That stopped him... silence on the other end... I believe I struck a nerve! He mumbled that he'll call me later and hung up....

 

I'm not sure that he will call... but if he does, I will have to decide then what to do...

 

In the meantime, all I want to do is cry....

 

You know what, we all need a good cry every so often! So just do it. Boy! am I having a Nike moment here.

 

Anyway, I think you will not hear from him for a while yet!!

 

WW, you are strong... just remember that... Look at what you were able to do!! Keep your mind and heart clear of this man.

[Walk]

I really apologize for posting and not having read through each post on here... but one post on the second page stopped me and I wanted to get my thoughts out before I got sidetracked.

 

WWanda said she wanted to write that letter to the wife. But I think what she really wanted was to burn the bridge. Something strong enough to stop the cycle, in which she wouldn't have to attempt will power to end the affair. (Please don't read this as negative... I'm saying it without judgement, or any bad intention, only as a serious thought as to the underlying reasons.)

 

Which she basically said again on page 3. The threat of telling his wife if he doesn't leave her alone.

 

What if you told him you sent the letter to his wife, but didn't? It would cause the same reaction from him. Be some payback for the grief he puts you through, yet any adverse reaction caused by it would be solely his fault since you never sent the letter.... And the bridge would be burned and there would be no need for the diet because the temptation would be gone.

 

Probably not the most honorable course of action, but I know how difficult it is to quit something that we feel we need. I personally don't have the willpower, so I sometimes have to sabatoge myself to stop whatever action I'm doing that is causing me harm. And this is causing you harm.

 

Anyway, just a thought... take it or leave it.. Best of luck to you, and I hope your able to find an acceptable solution soon.

[Sami_D]

Anyone else interested? I started a diet a week ago, so am going to keep going anyway, but yeah... I've broken it here and there, and to date, am just "hoping" half the time I will wake up skinny one morning and I don't really have to put these hard yards in. I hate it, but one day, I might just step on the scales and say it was actually worth it.

 

Anyway, will leave it up to you all to let me know if you think it's something you want to do or not - I'm not going to cry all over the floor if you don't, but I'm hoping there's a few supporters there who want something new and positive to focus on - I feel like I'm at a point where I need that, and can actually commit to it.

 

Great idea OzGirl.

 

I definitely need something to take my mind off things at the moment!

 

Let's set some goals!

[serial muse]

I feel a little bit like I'm stalking this kind of thread lately; but for some reason there has been a crop of "should I tell his wife" threads in the last few weeks. WWanda, if you're interested in hearing more from a BS's perspective, check those threads out over in the infidelity forum.

 

I guess I wanted to get on here to add another perspective, since the question of whether the wife would "want" to know has yet again reared its stubborn head. If we're going to try to suss out what the W wants, I guess I feel like it might be okay to jump in again on this board, for this one topic, though I'm not an OW.

 

I totally understand when the OW here have said that it's better for the OW not to tell. In a sense, that's true - I certainly don't think it'll improve your relationship with your MM, if that's the aim. I also think it can be a thankless job, so I get that, too. I wouldn't blame the OW if, once she's done with the affair, she just wanted to turn on her heel and stride off into the sunset. You go, girl!!

 

But WWanda says that telling the W to hasten their separation isn't her aim. So if it's about what the wife wants, in any sense, then I think it's worth clarifying things, so as to separate the two issues here. One issue - "is telling good for the OW?" is something I'll leave to you all to determine. I can certainly understand why it wouldn't be.

 

But the other issue that you guys sometimes raise - "whether it's good for the wife" - is one that I think you're not giving an objective eye to. I hear it said a lot on here that the general opinion is that the BS is better off not knowing. Forgive me if this sounds judgmental, but I honestly think that that's looking at it through a biased lens - specifically, it's just a way of confirming what you might already want to do, but doesn't actually take the BS, as a person, into account. If you glance over at the infidelity forum, you'll see that most BS who post on there disagree heartily with that take on things. That's not to say that all BS would. Indeed, in this case, it seems that the wife might already know anyway. But to say that the BS's are better off not knowing, or simply wouldn't want to know (though I think that many, many of them would much rather know the truth about their relationship and the man they're involved with) is doing many of them a disservice, and is, frankly, quite untrue. I think there is a bit of an implied, and somewhat judgmental undertone to this - to wit: "she probably sort of knows and doesn't care/want to know the truth anyway". Not so. She's a person, like you are, and odds are she wants to believe in the same strong, fulfilling love that you do, too.

 

If you don't want to tell, of course you don't have to. There is no "obligation". But please understand that it's not about what's best for the BS. And that's not what this board is about anyway, as I certainly understand. But in that case, let's also try to be clear about this.

 

I also want to add that many non-OW respondents to this thread also said leave the wife in blissful, ignorant bliss. But I'm sorry to say that I think they are also wrong to make that blanket statement. IMHO.

[Jessie61]

Serial Muse,

 

Thank you for "stalking" the OW/OM site! It is always interesting to hear someone who has a different perspective and opinion!

 

As an OW I would never tell, but if I was a W I would like to know.... If someone can work that one out, please let me know!

[Wicked Wanda]

SM,

 

Let me clear up what some people have misunderstood. I am thinking of telling her only as a last resort. If he doesn't let go when I say let go, then I will tell her. My aim is to get rid of him for once and for all without going underground where he can't find me - which he has in the past.

 

To put a slight twist to things, I have been the W in another life (or so it seems) and found myself betrayed by my H. Thinking back on it now, I wish someone would have told me. I would have been better prepared for the end when I found out later on that she moved in the day I moved out.

 

WW

[whichwayisup]

She may not want to know, just because you did, doesn't mean she will want to.

 

You are playing a very serious game here. You will destroy her life as she knows it and I'm not sure that it's up to you to decide - JUST because the MM won't leave you alone. YOU are the one with the power. STOP paying attention to him. STOP answering his calls/emails/or seeing him in person. Don't tell her just to get him off YOUR back.

 

Again, you can't ruin someone else's life like that. It just plain SUCKS.

[scarletletter]

You know, after giving it some thought...if I were the BS I believe that I would definately want to know about my H having an affair. However, I would not want to hear it from the OW. That would be just too much to handle. Actually hearing the OW's voice would be very disturbing. I would try to leave her out of the problems you are having with him. He is the one you are having the trouble with, not her.

[Jessie61]

 

Let me clear up what some people have misunderstood. I am thinking of telling her only as a last resort. If he doesn't let go when I say let go, then I will tell her. My aim is to get rid of him for once and for all without going underground where he can't find me - which he has in the past.

 

WW

 

 

WW,

 

I do recognise your situation, I have to admit. I have dumped my MM more than 30 times, and he has kept coming back every single time. When I have tried ignoring texts and phone call, he has showed up on my doorstep. I have not broken our NC one single time.

 

The first few times I asked for NC, he was talking about having to try to see if he could make things work at home before he decided to leave the W. I said that it was fine by me and I actually admired him for that. But I also realised that he wouldn't have a chance of fixing anything if I was hovering in the background, so I said "Good luck but you have to leave me alone so that I can get on with my life". Did he? No, a few days later he was back, we went sailing for a whole day, all day he was building up my hopes and then as we were going home then he started talking about "trying to fix it at home" which resulted in another dumping.

 

That cycle repeated itself many many times; me calling it off asking him to leave me alone, him breaking the NC and ultimately telling me that "I have nothing to offer you at the moment", and so it starts again. And again. And again.....

 

I, quite understandibly, felt incredibly frustrated at times with this; here I was totally and completely in love with the guy, and yet I was totally understanding and supportive of his POV and his concerns, and RESPECTING his wishes. At the same time he (albeit totally in love with me etc) had NO regard for my situation and he certainly did NOT respect my wishes; he would break the NC just because "he missed me" - as if I didn't miss him!!!!

 

I tried to explain to MM just how selfish and unreasonable his behaviour was and how hurtful it was to me. How I had to grieve every time we say goodbye, and then whatever good work on my recovery that I had achieved during NC would come crashing down when I receive his texts, phone calls, mails. But that hasn't changed the fact that he has kept pursuing me. After almost a year of having to put up with this rubbish on sometimes a weekly basis, I ended up saying to him that one of these days I could end up flipping completely and ringing his W, not because I would want to but because there is only so much provication a person can take and he is clearly not listening to me. When I said it, had I any intention of doing it? Of course not, but I wanted him to think that. (I have a funny feeling that he didn't believe me for one second anyway, because if I was a "bunny boiler" the bunny would probably have been boiled ages ago.... )

 

In the end, I actually left the country to get away from him, but my emigration has not stopped him. In fact, it has made him realise that he IS losing me and that there is nothing to rescue at home; even their counsellor thinks it is robbery taking anymore money off them! But that is a different story altogether.

 

Back to the issue of spilling the beans to the wife. What do you do to get the MM off your back in these situations? Not everyone can emigrate like I did, which I think is a very extreme measure anyway and it should not have to come to that. Court orders? Impossible without the W finding out, because papers need to be served, proceedings in open court since it is not a "family" matter, we live in a relatively small city... Someone said that it is the OW/OM who is in control. I disagree, because I have felt totally powerless, like a sitting duck and at the mercy of him, especially when he has showed up on my doorstep when I have tried to ignore him.

 

Let me repeat myself again before you all jump down my throat, I HAVE NO INTENTION OF TELLING HIS WIFE as I would think it totally undignified of me to do so, and I would prefer to emigrate to the other side of the planet to get away from him if I had to. But could you blame someone for entertaining that idea or issuing a threat when that person is doing absolutely everything to act fairly and responsibly while at the same time the other person is totally disregarding any agreements made and the other persons feelings for very flippant and selfish reasons?

 

Anyway, that is my contribution.

[Sami_D]

If I was the W and my H was having an affair I would WANT to know. No doubt at all.

 

I wouldn't want to hear it from the OW. Perhaps a letter saying she's bowing out and he won't leave her alone. Nothing that implied she was waiting for him. Just plain information. I would appreciate it.

 

Then again... when push came to shove, I'd want to hear it from wherever.

 

I read so many times that the OW shouldn't tell the W because it's 'selfish' or whatever. But, when a BS finds out that the OW/OM is married NO-ONE ever says 'don't tell'. Quite the opposite. The standard advice is to tell the husband/wife of the OP.

 

I think the difference is that it's not coming from the OP.

 

It's the information that's wanted.

[Sami_D]

Jessie, I didn't realise how many times your MM broke NC selfishly. That is completely horrible.

 

What did he do when you told him you'd tell the W if he didn't leave you alone..? Did he disregard that too? Has it got to the point (sounds like it has) where he doesn't believe you'll follow through on anything? Are you allowing him to feel that way by agreeing to go sailing with him if he turns up, etc.? You're teaching him to behave that way because you cave in... aren't you

 

You know what..? Sorry if I'm off on one, but I feel you need to make a real stand with this man.

 

And, not that I'm suggesting you would or should do this but, I think that if he continued to behave like this despite your best efforts to ignore him you have every right to put a restraining order on him whether that means his W would find out or not.

 

You're being a soft touch.

[movinon05]

Jessie,

 

I don't want to TJ, but where is your story? Yours is very similar to mine, with him going back and forth, although my MM NEVER said he was going to work on the M. He ALWAYS said he was going to leave. And I am also not in control of when he decides to contact me. But he doesn't text or call. He just leaves things for me and I never SEE him.

 

Just want to catch up on your story.

[Jessie61]

Jessie, I didn't realise how many times your MM broke NC selfishly. That is completely horrible.

 

What did he do when you told him you'd tell the W if he didn't leave you alone..? Did he disregard that too? Has it got to the point (sounds like it has) where he doesn't believe you'll follow through on anything? Are you allowing him to feel that way by agreeing to go sailing with him if he turns up, etc.? You're teaching him to behave that way because you cave in... aren't you

 

You know what..? Sorry if I'm off on one, but I feel you need to make a real stand with this man.

 

And, not that I'm suggesting you would or should do this but, I think that if he continued to behave like this despite your best efforts to ignore him you have every right to put a restraining order on him whether that means his W would find out or not.

 

You're being a soft touch.

 

 

Sami,

 

I probably made him sound worse than he is, because despite appearances he is not some lunatic stalker! BUT he did behave like a selfish pig for a long time.... And the 30 odd dumpings are actually true!

 

Anyway, the horrible period that I described was effectively 2005 and the start of 2006. We had a period of NC for just over a month in Aug/Sept 2004. At that stage we were 5 months into the A, and we had both realised that it was getting VERY serious. He already knew that I would not accept being an OW forever, and he had said that he would leave his W. We both wanted time; I had to decide did I want to take on his kids and a potentially bitter exW, he had to decide if I was the one for him. Fair enough.

 

Then when things got really serious, he started thinking about the effect on the kids etc and that's when the mental gymnastics started... Had he done enough at home to earn his way out of his M? Would the kids be destroyed forever if he did leave his W? I could understand his reasoning, and just like yourself I have been very supportive and patient with all of this. When he then said that he had to give it one more go at home, then I said "Good luck!" and I genuinely meant it. That was when he came back a week later, and we went sailing. For that 6 week period of NC he broke the NC weekly. Yes, he missed me and he was a selfish pig.

 

Then we got back together again because he realised that the M was dead (but he was still worried about the kids) and we would concentrate on us. We had a few wonderfuls months, until I decided about a year into it that I could not cope anymore. He was still agonising about the kids and not ready to leave. I said fine but I had to look after myself, so I wished him luck and off I went - or so I thought.

 

That's when this horrible period started.

 

At times I have felt like a complete door mat, but I don't think that I have caved in with him. I have not gone off sailing with him or gone back into the A, just because he has showed up or phoned or texted me. When he has broken NC, I have tried to act like a grown up by being reasonable etc. After one or two days of coffees and talks, I have realised that nothing had changed, so I asked for NC again, because MY position hadn't changed either. Perhaps I should have acted like a lunatic at that point, but I didn't because it ain't me.

 

I realised myself that this cycle could continue forever unless I did something - what was I supposed I do when he shows up at my house???? So I decided to leave the country because an job opportunity had come up. He didn't believe me at first, but he then saw me leave. And I am still abroad currently setting up my own business. I have told him again and again that I will NOT be an OW anymore, and if he was in denial before, now he knows I mean it.

 

Anyway, since I have left the country he has decided that he is leaving his W, he has done all the necessary mental gymnastics about the kids and if the M was dead before, then it is even more dead now! (Even his mother suggested that they should probably call it a day!) There is also a strict deadline. If he misses it I will stay abroad where I am at the moment and that is the end of that! The deadline more or less coincides with the time when I expect to be able to commit by signing contracts etc, and once the papers are signed I will not be able to come back, just because it suits him. He knows also that I will not tolerate any contact from him after that date!

 

I have asked him if he is 100% sure about the deadline and the rest of it, because if he isn't then I will wish him all the best and get on with my new life. This is where the "ultimate threat" has come into the picture. He knows that I am not a lunatic, but I have said that after all the misery that he has put my through then I would not be able to guarantee that I won't lose the plot completely and ring the W if he misses the deadline and continues to pursue me afterwards. (No, missing the deadline on its own does not detonate the A-bomb! I want him to leave for me and because the M is dead, not because he is being blackmailed! ) He didn't believe me initially when I told him that I had handed in my notice at work, and that I was leaving the country, but I did. And I have never caved in on my insistance that I will not continue to be an OW anymore, and I am creating a new life without him to prove it. So what has he said about this? Nothing except that he is 110% sure about what he is doing and that it won't be necessary to ring the W!

 

Back to the question. Would I tell the W if he keeps pursuing me? No, I have no intention of doing that. Their M will end anyway, if it doesn't happen this year, it will happen next year. I just want to be able to look in the mirror in the morning and say "Jessie, you're not perfect but you're OK!"

 

Being away creating a new life (which I would be happy with) would help to distract me if he did contact me again "post-broken deadline", I can change my phone number, he is hardly going to show up on my doorstep 3000 miles away, now is he?

 

So, Sami, am I being a soft touch??? Probably, but I am trying to do the best for everyone - including him! - while maintaining some form of dignity and self respect. It is hard to strike the perfect balance!!!!

 

If you have any suggestions, please feel free.....

[movinon05]

There is also a strict deadline. If he misses it I will stay abroad where I am at the moment and that is the end of that! The deadline more or less coincides with the time when I expect to be able to commit by signing contracts etc, and once the papers are signed I will not be able to come back, just because it suits him. He knows also that I will not tolerate any contact from him after that date!

 

But let me ask you this? Are you willing to give up signing these contracts and your own business to come back here to be with him?

[Jessie61]

Jessie,

 

I don't want to TJ, but where is your story? Yours is very similar to mine, with him going back and forth, although my MM NEVER said he was going to work on the M. He ALWAYS said he was going to leave. And I am also not in control of when he decides to contact me. But he doesn't text or call. He just leaves things for me and I never SEE him.

 

Just want to catch up on your story.

 

Movinon,

 

I have never really posted my whole story, but I outlined the basics in the thread "How many actual OW.." (page 3) and my posts on this thread add more. Obviously, as in all other stories, there is a lot left out because otherwise we'd be reading "War & Peace" over and over....

 

My MM also always said that he would leave, but I think we had different time tables in mind. I thought I might give it 18 months and if nothing had happened, then I would call it a day. As it happened, I just could not bear it anymore after 12 months. He wanted more time because he felt he wanted to be really sure, especially as he would be losing a lot of the time that he gets to spend with the kids etc. I could understand, but I could not accommodate him because I was becoming stressed and unwell.

 

Like youself, I have had NO control over when he contacts me. It has been very hard at times. (This is why I was fuming reading about your MM leaving the roses on your car!!!) But I am now hoping that those bad times are over, and that we will either be together OR that I will be able to move on with my post-MM life...

 

Fingers crossed!

 

PS. Is YOUR MM "behaving" himself these days?

[Jessie61]

But let me ask you this? Are you willing to give up signing these contracts and your own business to come back here to be with him?

 

We are writing at the same time, Movinon! Would I go back? Yes, I would. I can always go back to my old job, which I was quite happy with, and I could also set up the same type of business at home that I am setting up here, if I wanted to!

[movinon05]

We are writing at the same time, Movinon! Would I go back? Yes, I would. I can always go back to my old job, which I was quite happy with, and I could also set up the same type of business at home that I am setting up here, if I wanted to!

 

Well that answers that question. lol!

[Jessie61]

Well that answers that question. lol!

 

Yes, I guess it does!!! :lmao: