lovernotafighter Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 lnaf - sorry, I don't remember your story exactly, but off the top of my head I think your affair ended in a more bittersweet way, without a lot of rancor on either side. Is that right (sorry if I'm misremembering)? nah..I was trying to end it...if we had I would consider it bitter sweet as it's heading I'll just be the bitter part. But it's the belief that you (in the general "you") might actually owe him something like loyalty - not lingering love, but a kind of altruistic loyalty that he certainly won't return (and doesn't appear to deserve anyway) - that I don't quite understand. you and BI are right..I don't quite get my self. perhaps (and I know how twisted this is going to sound given that we are talking about affairs here and will seem like a hypercritical statement) but it could be a integrity thing as well. not so much as I owe my MM loyalty but that I was entrusted with something that can destroy lives if let out. even if I'm totally heartbroken by my MM I still have the duty not to hurt his family (or my own) as I did say 6 months ago..that part doesn't change,not for me. (and frankly, it's why many people stay in any kind of relationship long past its due date). PS.. I like the "due date" image. Unfortunately I seem to be in two relationships that have passed the "Expire On" date. If relationships were bread, I'd be living among the molds. Maybe I should give up "bread' entirely!! me to BI..I'm living on crumbs laying the bottom of the toaster in both my relationships...I'm going meat and potatoes Link to post Share on other sites
Blind Illusion Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 me to BI..I'm living on crumbs laying the bottom of the toaster in both my relationships...I'm going meat and potatoes let's go food shopping then!! :) Link to post Share on other sites
lovernotafighter Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 let's go food shopping then!! :) this thread is starting to make me hungry! but you know with all these heart breaks,I just want a troth of Häagen-Dazs to stick my face into. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wicked Wanda Posted May 3, 2006 Author Share Posted May 3, 2006 RP, Yes I have - off and on... I keep throwing him away and he keeps coming back... if I hide, he finds me.... Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 RP, Yes I have - off and on... I keep throwing him away and he keeps coming back... if I hide, he finds me.... Scary. Sounds like a serial stalker. Link to post Share on other sites
OzGirl Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 Most of my friends are also married with children, and I must admit, I don't make friends easily because for some reason, I don't really gravitate towards women in a social environment (ie, at school events, etc). I tend to prefer male company, and as MOST men I seem to run into either socially or at school, etc, are married.... well, I need say no more! I feel like I could be sucked back into that nightmare if I don't stay on guard! I have met one guy who's single. He certainly doesn't make my heart skip a beat, but he's very career-focused, and polite, and so far, seems to ring me at least once a day to say hi. That's enough for me for now, too, I think! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wicked Wanda Posted May 3, 2006 Author Share Posted May 3, 2006 Almost... he's also done phone stalking... (calling, not talking - only listening), walk around the apartment building in the middle of the night to see if I'm awake, go to the mini mall close by and call and hang up until I answer the phone.... Yup! Stalker! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wicked Wanda Posted May 3, 2006 Author Share Posted May 3, 2006 So, ladies, for those of you who think that the W should be told but not by the OW (and clearly H is not going to do - particularly if he's got the best of both worlds), who should do the telling? Do we enlist the help of a good friend to do the deed? Do we do it anonymously? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Wanda, please tell me that you at least enjoyed the time with him without feeling that you've wasted all those years. tell me that you had double life, not just lived for him. tell me that you benefited from him, not just him from you! Twenty tears, geez... your whole youth! But you're still young! Girls, you're right that you were all persistent. I am not looking for perfection here, people can change their minds too. It's just that the whole thread was "Tell the wife!" and this whole thread is in the sign of "Don't tell the wife!" The posters were actually different... Now I sounded like this teacher in high school, who once came to class and said: "Only ten of you showed up today! Shame on you! " She actually had this yelling speech for about 5 min before she slammed the door. She bashed us - who showed up, instead of the other 20 that didn't! Link to post Share on other sites
scarletletter Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 I would say that if you want her to know, you need to tell someone else to do it anonymously. Like a friend of yours who could maybe send her a letter or something...or call from a pay phone. I would definately make sure that you are not directly involved...could be dangerous. Link to post Share on other sites
scarletletter Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Hell, give me the number...I'll do it..lol!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wicked Wanda Posted May 4, 2006 Author Share Posted May 4, 2006 Wanda, please tell me that you at least enjoyed the time with him without feeling that you've wasted all those years. tell me that you had double life, not just lived for him. tell me that you benefited from him, not just him from you! Twenty tears, geez... your whole youth! I loved him, I love him and I will always love him.... Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 The wife is probably on this board writing "My husband has been having an affair for the past 20 years! I won't let her win!" And the girls are telling her to dump the ass. Seriously, did you hope he'd leave his wife? Does he have children? A big house and savings? What's his problem? He must actually love you if he spent 20 years with you. He has been living a bigamous life for the most part of his adult life! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 I loved him, I love him and I will always love him....Hmm... I dunno whether to go "Eewww !" or "Aawwww !" Cheer up! It's only love! You're alive, healthy (hopefully - except mentally ), and OK. Think of the hungry and sick kids in Africa! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wicked Wanda Posted May 4, 2006 Author Share Posted May 4, 2006 I doubt that she is. She is self-absorbed and selfish and that is perhaps why he has been with me all this time. I had a male friend who went through something similar. He decided he would not leave his wife because of all that they have acquired and built up together. Perhaps Blair doesn't want to lose the houses, or his big ticket toys .... she would get half of everything. He told me once that he did not want to be like his father who had divorced and married several times. But I sometimes think that he is worse than his father. Dad was at least honest with himself and with his ex-wives. Blair has been living this lie for a long time and that's not fair to anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 I had the calls with no one on the other end. But it angered me to no end. I had the drive bys at work. It drove me nuts. All it did was tell me that he still wanted me and he wanted me to know it, but he still wasn't leaving. So WTF and what's the point? Leave me alone if you're not going to leave and stop torturing me. I really can't believe you have spent 20 yrs of your life like this. Seriously, is it really worth it? This thread has gone so long that I've lost the basic facts. Have you ever told him explicitly that you are done, through, leave me alone, you can't have me? Have you threatened to tell the W? I'm sorry if these questions have already been answered, but like I said, the thread is long. I wouldn't bother telling the W. I think if it was me, I just wouldn't care anymore no matter how much I loved him. I often think of this: When you're laying there on your deathbed and your life was suddenly passing before your eyes, would you be at peace? Or would you say, I'm leaving this world and I wasted what happiness I could have had. Break free and move on. I hate to see this. Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 MovinOn.... You know of all the shared stories, yours had touched me the most! Twenty years! OMG....I can certainly see how it happens! All of what you have shared has really been a wake up call to ALL! Twenty years had to be really, really tough to let go! Talk about strength!! *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 MovinOn.... You know of all the shared stories, yours had touched me the most! Twenty years! OMG....I can certainly see how it happens! All of what you have shared has really been a wake up call to ALL! Twenty years had to be really, really tough to let go! Talk about strength!! *hugs* Ok, RC, you're flagged!! One too many glasses of wine!! I wasn't 20 yrs, Wanda is. I was 7. Then 16 mo. NC, so I guess that means 8 yrs. Put that glass down, girl!! Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Movinon.... Oh, I'm sorry! Must have been the subject matter that got me confused....lol Still, your story is one hell of an experience. Hmmm...I'm going to have to read a bit of Wanda's. Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 Movinon.... Oh, I'm sorry! Must have been the subject matter that got me confused....lol Still, your story is one hell of an experience. Hmmm...I'm going to have to read a bit of Wanda's. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 MovinOn.... On him you would *laughing* clink.... *laughing* Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 MovinOn.... On him you would *laughing* clink.... *laughing* Sorry for getting sober for a moment - but - no I wouldn't. There is no one I hate that much to put them through this hell. I just don't have it in me to wish it on anybody. At the same time, I'm angry as hell that I had to be the one to go through this. F-ing sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Not that I'm alone in my misery obviously - in deference to all the girls here) Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 MovinOn... For me, I do believe in "what goes around, comes around", (karma). I would like to think at some point people feel the wrath of their selfishness. I do realize we have choices and as the OW, I could have chosen not to involve myself and I also know the reason why I did! "Selfish". However, I did also choose to stop the A and believe I have suffered terribly and therefore got what I deserved. Had he? Not even close! Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 MovinOn... For me, I do believe in "what goes around, comes around", (karma). I would like to think at some point people feel the wrath of their selfishness. I do realize we have choices and as the OW, I could have chosen not to involve myself and I also know the reason why I did! "Selfish". However, I did also choose to stop the A and believe I have suffered terribly and therefore got what I deserved. Had he? Not even close! I don't necessarily believe the karma thing. There are people in this world that I would like to see that happen to (my exH for what he has done to my kids and my MIL, just because she's the supreme byatch). But I have yet to see it happen. Hey, who knows. Maybe in my lifetime, huh? As for your MM? You'll just have to wait and see if it hold true! lol! (I know you're secretly waiting with baited breath!) Link to post Share on other sites
OzGirl Posted May 4, 2006 Share Posted May 4, 2006 I was driving along in my car late last year, and happened to tune into a local radio station talking about someone's misfortunes, and the DJ says the words, amidst his story "... when are people going to realise that sometimes, bad things happen to good people...". As Ms Oprah would say, it was a light bulb moment for me. I was counting on karma to swing my hurt away from me. It was this little moment that stopped me waiting for things to change and pain to go away, and accept it was there and deal with it. I am yet to see if I still believe in the karma thing or not, but for some reason, my gut tells me I will. Link to post Share on other sites
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