He's Back...(or is he?)..A Long Post

[The Girl]

I had posted a while back about a seven year relationship (I am 26, he is 31) that came to an end. In shorter terms, this summer, my boyfriend began to get cold feet about alot of things, and said he needed his "Space" (oh dear, that killer word).He was afraid of marriage but that if he was to marry anyone it would be me but that he wished he could put me on a shelf till he was ready, if that day ever comes. He was also having a hard time definining his life (career, money). I was patient but went through alot of stress while I waited for him to make up his mind, but after two monthes I could not take his indescion and "just dating" any longer, I got over my shock and called it quits. He kept calling but not with any definate descions so in order for me to move on I realized I had to change my phone numbers , so he could not contact me, and I could move on.

 

He tried calling my parents house to get ahold of me these last few monthes, he has tried email, but I did not return any of them, though I still love him...I am trying to move on.

 

Last month, he just showed up at my door, I let him in. He said that he wants me back and now he was "serious" about his life, and me, and wants to change.I spent the day with him, and in my head I saw no changes, so I told him that I do not believe him and cannot take him back.

 

Yesterday, he tried again. He showed up at my door, and I again let him in and asked what do you want. He again said he wants me back. This time, I gave in a bit. I said that we can get back together and see how it works out. Within 24 hours he seemed to be "freaking out" again, and saying, well lets just "take it slow", and that "he cant change all at once, etc." I blew up..and told him my terms of getting back together and unless he accepts them,I will not take him back.He said that he has to think about it for a few days, that my "terms" are demanding, and he got rather "macho" and said I am "the guy" and I am supposed to call the shots and left.

 

I feel like a fool. I figured if he was desperate enough to keep calling, and showing up begging at my door, that he had come to the realization that he could not live without me. Now, somehow once again he has turned me into "waiting" for his desicion. I love this man. After we broke up, I deeply wanted him to realize his mistake and beg me back. He has done this, yet what his realization was while being apart has me deeply confused. Is pursing me like he is, an act of love and realization of losing me...or is it something else? Is he just afraid, but wants me to work with him? What in the world is he doing? If a guy humbles himself like this to try to get back with a women, doesent that mean he has realized great love? Was I fooled again? Or is this proof that he loves me yes, and really misses me, but still is not or will never change. What in the world do I do with him?

[Daisy]

Hmmm, this one is kinda confusing. Talk about wishy-washy.

 

First, I want to congratulate you on what a wonderful job you did handling this fickle man. It's nice to hear that there are actually some women out there that stand up for themselves ... and some that won't wait around for any man to make up his mind. Good for you.

 

Alright, now onto the problem at hand. I don't really have a clue as to what this guy is thinking. My best guess would be that he thought you would be the type of woman to wait around for him while he takes years and years to make his decision. Then, when you called it quits, it probably took him by surprise. All of a sudden he was faced with the fact that he lost you, and his first reaction was probably that he HAD to get you back ... no matter how. So he comes groveling back to you, saying anything to get you back. You gave him one more chance, telling him that you'll only stick around on your own terms, and all of a sudden he realized that he might ACTUALLY have to CHANGE. Something he hadn't thought of while he was chasing you down. Once he realized this, he got cold feet again.

 

My guess would be that he never intended for you guys to break up when he told you he needed some space. He probably expected you to just sit back like the darling woman every man dreams of and say "Okay honey, you do whatever you need to do". And then he got a wake up call when you decided to call it quits. So he was scared.

 

From what I can tell, he loves you. I think if he didn't love you, it wouldn't have scared him so much when you called it quits. But I also think he's scared to make any changes. That's why he's being so wishy-washy. He's probably scared of marriage and scared of the uncertainty of life. But like everyone else, he's just gonna have to deal with it.

 

If he continues with his wishy-washy behavior, stand by your earlier actions. Let him know that he only has so many chances, and if he misses out on those, then he'll miss out on you as well. Be strong. Don't let him keep doing this. But I'm sure you already know that

 

Good luck.

I had posted a while back about a seven year relationship (I am 26, he is 31) that came to an end. In shorter terms, this summer, my boyfriend began to get cold feet about alot of things, and said he needed his "Space" (oh dear, that killer word).He was afraid of marriage but that if he was to marry anyone it would be me but that he wished he could put me on a shelf till he was ready, if that day ever comes. He was also having a hard time definining his life (career, money). I was patient but went through alot of stress while I waited for him to make up his mind, but after two monthes I could not take his indescion and "just dating" any longer, I got over my shock and called it quits. He kept calling but not with any definate descions so in order for me to move on I realized I had to change my phone numbers , so he could not contact me, and I could move on. He tried calling my parents house to get ahold of me these last few monthes, he has tried email, but I did not return any of them, though I still love him...I am trying to move on. Last month, he just showed up at my door, I let him in. He said that he wants me back and now he was "serious" about his life, and me, and wants to change.I spent the day with him, and in my head I saw no changes, so I told him that I do not believe him and cannot take him back. Yesterday, he tried again. He showed up at my door, and I again let him in and asked what do you want. He again said he wants me back. This time, I gave in a bit. I said that we can get back together and see how it works out. Within 24 hours he seemed to be "freaking out" again, and saying, well lets just "take it slow", and that "he cant change all at once, etc." I blew up..and told him my terms of getting back together and unless he accepts them,I will not take him back.He said that he has to think about it for a few days, that my "terms" are demanding, and he got rather "macho" and said I am "the guy" and I am supposed to call the shots and left.

 

I feel like a fool. I figured if he was desperate enough to keep calling, and showing up begging at my door, that he had come to the realization that he could not live without me. Now, somehow once again he has turned me into "waiting" for his desicion. I love this man. After we broke up, I deeply wanted him to realize his mistake and beg me back. He has done this, yet what his realization was while being apart has me deeply confused. Is pursing me like he is, an act of love and realization of losing me...or is it something else? Is he just afraid, but wants me to work with him? What in the world is he doing? If a guy humbles himself like this to try to get back with a women, doesent that mean he has realized great love? Was I fooled again? Or is this proof that he loves me yes, and really misses me, but still is not or will never change. What in the world do I do with him?