Why get married?

[Rob In NC]

I'm a 33 year old male who has never been married. I came close a couple of times but I backed out. All of my friends who are married are miserable. I swear they have aged several years since tying the knot. I just don't understand why anyone would want to involve state laws in their love life. Why not do the Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn thing? That's what I want. My break-ups with ex-girlfriends are stressful enough without having the courts and church involved.

 

People I know who are married always ask me when I'm going to get married. Why do married people do this? If you ask me, I think it's misery loves company. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm the happiest guy in the world because I'm a bachelor, because it does get lonely sometimes. However, I do have my freedom and a sense of peace that married people seem to lack. I know the ball and chain clich'e is so overused, but I swear it's the truth.

 

Here is another example on why I think marriage sucks. I use to talk to my ex-girlfriend after we broke up. Although things were different after the break-up, we still were friends who talked sometimes. Even going long intervals of time without talking, we always had great conversations when we did finally talk. Now she is married and we don't talk at all anymore. Why would I want to throw myself in a binding contract where I have to sever all ties from people of the opposite sex from my past? I personally feel she, like most people, marry for the wrong reasons. She got married to a cop shortly after 9/11 happened. Before 9/11 happened, she didn't seem to love the guy that much. Before 9/11, she actually wasn't that excited when she talked about him. He was just kind of there. I think she got caught up in all of that 9/11 hoopla and made her choices out of emotion because he was from NY. Now she is stuck to a binding contract.

 

I feel that marriage puts too much pressure on people, because once you're married, everyone in the family is in your business. People who are miserable can't leave because they're pressured from outside sources, such as in-laws and fear of having their dirty laundry displayed in the courts. Breaking up is stressful enough. I can't imagine having my failed relationship printed in the public records section of my local news paper.

 

Also me being a man, I would be the one screwed in the divorce. Why would I want to risk everything? Seeing the divorce stats, it's a 50/50 shot at losing everything. That's a gamble I don't want to make.

 

Now why am I wrong?

[aleatoryd]

You're not wrong but you're not right!

 

It's not about marriage, it's about the people involved in marriage. People see marriage a their ticket to solve all their relationship problems. Some see it to get rich. Others to tie down a man or woman in a relationship because they fear being alone at the end of their life. Others like my sister get married because they are a teenage pregnancy and "it's the right thing to do". Then her husband is abusive, cr*p husband, messy divorce and she hasn't seen and maintenance off him ever. Also it's not allways about the guy losing 50/50. My sister had more going into marriage than he did. And now she's had to pick up the pieces and be a single parent while he went and got another girl pregnant, then ditched that g/f and who cares what he's doing now.

 

Don't get me wrong. Im' not anti-marriage. As a Christian I believe it is a very important thing. It is about commitment. If people thought about how and why they wanted to marry. If they understood what they had to give to it rather than what "they get out of it" then they would be happy. I've had other friends get married and 1 year later another divorce. It's because they hoped that marriage would fix all the holes in their relationship. I'm glad some of my friends who cheat on their g/f don/t get married. Why ruin someone elses life if you don't want to be with them.

 

Then there are those girls who plan their weddings for years, pick out dresses, cuttings from a wedding catalogue. Biggest day of their life. I'm not trying to be cynical. I hope to one day marry and I hope for my future wife it would be the big day out she desires. What I don't want is for that to be her sole reason. I don't want to slowly slip down in life into misery like the friends you describe and my own friends.

 

I fully agree with your comments about pressure. Too often it's other people, peer pressure, family, and marrying for the wrong reason. I knew a guy who was dumped by his g/f. So he tried to commit suicide. She came back to him because of this, but it still didn't work. Somethings aren't meant to be and for a lot of people marriage is one of those things.

[tikigods]

I think that a lot of people get married for the wrong reasons, and those are the people that end up unhappy and yet feel like they can't get out. I also feel like people who let their families butt into their personal lives and allow them to control them in that fashion more then likely had huge family problems from the get go. Marriage to me is an adult choice, but to many people go into it without that mindset and with the romantic notions of what marriage is, but then find that once the wedding is over, you are now faced with the real world, and often times people feel trapped and unhappy cause they weren't really happy in the first place they just did it cause it was "the thing to do!"

 

Wow my response is a real jumbled up mess, but I think that many people get married for the wrong reasons and they are the ones that end up having bad marriages and are unhappy and miserable. If you meet people who are in good marriages its a night and day difference

[glittergurl]

Hmm, I guess you just have to meet the right one. I've known a few people who said they'd never marry, and then they met that one special person, and got hitched

 

As for me and my husband, well, I don't know. We enjoy so much living together, and I know it sounds silly, but when you can call your loved one your husband or your wife, it brings things to a whole new level. It feels more serious, and more secure too. Maybe it's a stupid thing to say, but it feels less like they would just walk away. Of course, a lot of people do walk away, but it just brings a feeling of security. Neither of us are fans of big weddings; so we just did a very small private ceremony. It was nice

 

And I'm glad I can now call him my husband. It was kind of more a matter of promising each other that we'd stay together no matter what. It's a very romantic concept Ok, I gotta stop, or I'm gonna cry LOL

 

I think you really have to meet the right person to understand this.

[Rob In NC]

Believe it or not, I'm a christian and lean to the conservative side.

[glittergurl]

I also want to add that when you get married (and this is supposed to be a once in a life time kind of thing), you're basically telling your partner that the relationship you have with them is so special, that you want to give it a different status than your previous relationships. It becomes so much more than anything else before. It's also about promising that you will do whatever it takes to keep this relationship going, and that nothing will make you give up on it, but death.

 

I hope I didn't make it sound too dramatic. I need a Kleenex.

[aleatoryd]

^^^^ It's okay I believe you Rob I'm pretty liberal in my thinking. I think marriage is very important but I realise it's not right for everyone.

 

Still I hope we all find that special person who we think will complete us and YES it is a statement of how important our significant other is. Sounds like what you have is great glittergurl!

[jerbear]

For me, someone who I would not give up on. someone who builds on me and I build on her yet together we can still survive but much better together. Best friends on steroids.

 

Ex- would "marry someone she can't live without" called me the next day of NC in a panic. Helped her then went back to NC and I walked away two days later.

[Touche]

Believe it or not, I'm a christian and lean to the conservative side.

 

I'm not sure I get your comment. Aren't most christians conservative?

[Rob In NC]

Glittergirl, how long have you been married? Me personally, I think about the 3 year relationship with my ex. We were on cloud 9 for the first two years. I knew without a doubt she was the one. Well, I was wrong. I sure am glad I wasn't in a binding contract and having to deal with the courts:) . Why not do the Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel thing? The only benefits I see in regards to marriage is when one is too old, like 80 years old and have trouble moving around. The couple can help each other to the toilet. So in other words, people shouldn't marry until they're 80:laugh:

[Curmudgeon]

You're not wrong, for you. Those of us who are married and enjoy it are not wrong either. I was married once before and it turned out to be miserable and, yes, I lost my happy hat, ass and coat in divorce but it would have been cheap at twice the price. Several years I married again but I was much older, wiser and chose better.

 

No complaints.

 

If you can't trust yourself to choose wisely and well then by all means, stay single. Some woman/women will thank you.

[Rob In NC]

I'm not sure I get your comment. Aren't most christians conservative?

 

There are different degrees in one's views. Some Christians are hellfire and brimstone. Others are in the middle. Some are a little more liberal than others. I simply stated that because my original point probably sounds like a liberal point of view.

[glittergurl]

We've been married for a year and a half, and have been living together for more than 3 years now, and known each other for longer. The Goldie/Kurt thing works for them, but keep in mind they never had children together. I think that's a major detail there.

 

When you want to start a family together, marriage really gives that solid bound to start with. This may sound extremely shallow and old fashioned, but I cannot imagine not being able to call the father of my children "my husband". I believe that marriage (a happy one, of course) is like the solid foundation you need before you start to build a house.

[Touche]

NO one can be "in your business" unless you allow them too. Two grown, mature adults don't allow that. Period.

 

You ARE wrong. And one day I hope you find out that you are. This is one time when you will be glad that you're wrong. You obviously haven't met the right woman or you'd know what I mean. It's a shame your friends haven't either.

 

I never realized how rare a good marriage really is until I came on here. But some of us DO have good marriages. Yes, even some of us on LS. Look, it's never completely stress-free or without problems. I mean NO relationship is..with or without marriage, but it can be very fulfilling to find your life partner and share a LIFE.

 

In my book it beats being alone. Been there, done that. I'd rather shoot myself than date again too. But that's just me. Dating was a means to an end for me. I hated every minute of it. But it's the only way to find the right one. Had to kiss MANY toads before I did. It was worth it though.

 

So what if it means I can't (or shouldn't) talk to an ex? Big deal. There's always a price to pay for something good. And sometimes that's not even a price to pay...I mean they're your exes for a reason, right? You can always make other friends.

 

I'm happily married but I'm not one of those who would push it on anyone. It's not for the immature or the faint of heart. You've got to really know yourself and really know the other person for it to work. Love alone is not enough. You often have to swallow your pride. But there's SO much good that it's worth everything.

 

I love that I can sit and have a conversation with my husband about anything and everything whenever I want to (yes, even after 11 years.) And I also love that I can be alone and do my thing whenever I want to. It's the best of both worlds.

 

Sure, you can have that and not be married. But I wouldn't want it. I thought Glitter expressed it well. It's just not as special. Been there and done that too.

 

Good luck figuring out the right path for YOU!

[Touche]

We've been married for a year and a half, and have been living together for more than 3 years now, and known each other for longer. The Goldie/Kurt thing works for them, but keep in mind they never had children together. I think that's a major detail there.

 

When you want to start a family together, marriage really gives that solid bound to start with. This may sound extremely shallow and old fashioned, but I cannot imagine not being able to call the father of my children "my husband". I believe that marriage (a happy one, of course) is like the solid foundation you need before you start to build a house.

 

Wow! A girl with values and morals. I admire you, GG.

[Rob In NC]

You're not wrong, for you. Those of us who are married and enjoy it are not wrong either. I was married once before and it turned out to be miserable and, yes, I lost my happy hat, ass and coat in divorce but it would have been cheap at twice the price. Several years I married again but I was much older, wiser and chose better.

 

No complaints.

 

If you can't trust yourself to choose wisely and well then by all means, stay single. Some woman/women will thank you.

 

You mean I get to choose? Is there some type of display case where women are lined up and I can choose whatever I want? That's funny, because I thought they had some input on this as well.

[glittergurl]

Great post Touche! I couldn't agree more.

edit: I meant your first post lol And thanks for your second post

[Touche]

You mean I get to choose? Is there some type of display case where women are lined up and I can choose whatever I want? That's funny, because I thought they had some input on this as well.

 

Well, now we find out the problem. NO, you DO get to choose. You can reject or accept anyone who shows interest in you. Do you not see that? I don't really understand your comment.

 

Do you think for one moment that I accepted most who chose or accepted me? NO WAY! We each get to CHOOSE. If two people choose EACH OTHER and are actually compatible, well then you really have something.

 

I think a lot of people just have trouble CHOOSING. It's like going shopping and buying the wrong damn item. You might like the item but will it really suit your needs in the long run? Do you buy it anyway because you like it in that moment or do you put it the hell back on the shelf?

 

So YES, you get to choose.

[Touche]

Great post Touche! I couldn't agree more.

edit: I meant your first post lol And thanks for your second post

 

Thanks, Glitter! I really appreciate that. I was whining to my husband about the way things are going in this society of ours now. It makes me feel so old and so old -fashioned sometimes. It's just nice to see that some people actually still value the old ways of doing things - the traditional ways. I mean what's so wrong with it?

 

I mean are we really better off as a society when most people are just living together? Or are having kids without the benefit of marriage? I think NOT! So it was actually refreshing for me to hear your words.

 

Everyone wants to take the easy way out now. In the meantime I've never seen a sadder and lonelier bunch of people in my life.

 

Rob will argue that his married friends are miserable. That's sad. They obviously didn't choose wisely.

 

As far as you Rob, saying that after 3 years it was over and you're glad you didn't marry, you were WISE! But now, you're entering an age when it won't TAKE YOU THREE YEARS to know that you chose the wrong person. You'll know a HELL of a lot sooner than that! Why? Because you now know YOURSELF better. And you should, by this age, know who would be a compatible lifelong partner. Not everyone does at this age. But I think many do by the time they reach their early to mid 30's.

 

Your friends probably have all chosen their mates when they were under that age I'd venture to say. BIG MISTAKE! Again, you can't have a successful marriage until you know yourself VERY well and have had a few bad experiences under your belt. That's my opinion.

 

I think you've reached that point. Can you honestly say that you would choose the same type of woman or women you have chosen before? Can you? Do you now have a better idea of the type of woman who would be compatible with you? Can you recognize red flags raised by those who wouldn't be compatible with you?

 

Your answers to the above questions should clue you in as to whether you are REALLY ready to CHOOSE the right woman for a life-long commitment.

 

Do you now understand that it really IS your choice. No one forces you to be with someone. It's YOUR choice. Be very specific in your mind as to the type of woman you want and be open to finding her and letting her find you.

[Ladyjane14]

Why not do the Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn thing? That's what I want. My break-ups with ex-girlfriends are stressful enough without having the courts and church involved.

 

Most courts would consider the "Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn thing" as common law marriage. So, if you're going to do the 'family thing'...why not just go ahead and get married?

 

When it comes to family life, there's no way to evade your responsibilities as a parent anyway. And you can't just dump a common law partner like you'd dump a girlfriend, because they are your de facto spouse.

 

Shotgun weddings aren't binding these days. So I don't think you're in any danger of being carried off and married against your will.

 

If you want to stay single....by all means, STAY SINGLE. Keep a separate residence, wear your raincoat, and don't litter.

[blind_otter]

Now why am I wrong?

 

I doubt anyone can really answer that question. IMO it's personal preference, of course it is. Just because some random person on an anonymous internet site thinks that marriage is right for everyone, and that family life as we know it will degrade into horrific and terrifying anarchy with single teenaged unwed mothers wandering the streets fending off single males who objectify women because they don't respect them enough to pay the government a fee to have their names bound together on the tax rolls, doesn't mean you should go out and get hitched.

 

I personally don't feel the urge to marry anyone ever again. I did it once, I failed, and I don't really want to go through that again, and I also know that regardless of what anyone may say, do, or purport to believe, there are no guarantees in life.

 

And hell, I think it's fine to live with someone for as long as you want and be responsible for your own legal issues, healthcare, and finances. I did that when I was married, anyways.

 

Also, something to note, is that many states have gotten rid of the "commonlaw marriage". My state doesn't recognize them, AFAIK.

[Woggle]

Marriage is not for everyone and nobody should be judged for choosing not to do it but I feel that a happy marriage is possible. It is not the marriage but the people in the marriage that are the problem and many people do things in the wrong order. Marriage is the cherry on top of the sundae of an already great relationship. A more worthy goal is to have a relationship worthy of marriage. Nobody was more anti-marriage than me but I met a woman who to me is worthy of marriage. I can't explain it but I show he is the right one. I can just feel it and I have never felt this way about a woman.

[Ladyjane14]

....I think it's fine to live with someone for as long as you want and be responsible for your own legal issues, healthcare, and finances.

 

Yeah...but why would you want to start a family with someone like that? That's the part that I don't get.

 

If I was involved with a man who didn't want to make a lifetime committment in raising a family....I wouldn't have children with him. Once you have children with someone, you're stuck with them FOR LIFE. Even if you're divorced, that person is still on the periphery, a 'hanger-on' who's always partially involved in your business.

 

If I wanted the freedom to leave a significant other behind....I'd want them ALL THE WAY behind, not just hovering around the corner.

[SmoochieFace]

I have no issues with being in a relationship or even living with someone but I will never get married again. I simply do not believe in it anymore and it isn't worth getting screwed over because of it.

[blind_otter]

Yeah...but why would you want to start a family with someone like that? That's the part that I don't get.

 

If I was involved with a man who didn't want to make a lifetime committment in raising a family....I wouldn't have children with him. Once you have children with someone, you're stuck with them FOR LIFE. Even if you're divorced, that person is still on the periphery, a 'hanger-on' who's always partially involved in your business.

 

If I wanted the freedom to leave a significant other behind....I'd want them ALL THE WAY behind, not just hovering around the corner.

 

Um, because I don't believe that marriage guarantees anything? Because I don't think that going through a ceremony and paying money for a license proves anything?

 

The committment is something you make in your heart, it always was, and if the committment isn't in your heart, then the marriage is meaningless anyways.

 

I can't really see how marriage makes the committment any more real? I did it. It wasn't. Why is marriage the only way to prove a lifetime committment?