Why get married?

[a4a]

Marriage is not for everyone and nobody should be judged for choosing not to do it but I feel that a happy marriage is possible. It is not the marriage but the people in the marriage that are the problem and many people do things in the wrong order. Marriage is the cherry on top of the sundae of an already great relationship. A more worthy goal is to have a relationship worthy of marriage. Nobody was more anti-marriage than me but I met a woman who to me is worthy of marriage. I can't explain it but I show he is the right one. I can just feel it and I have never felt this way about a woman.

 

I agree........

 

And there is a certain click that happens when you find the right person. I don't think you can exactly put it into words. For me I swore I would never get married because there was never anyone I was with that I could look at and think : I will be with this person for the rest of my life. I take that serious though. Before this one it just was not right on the mark.

 

Even though I do have to give the H the Tater from time to time I plan to keep him.

[Ladyjane14]

Um, because I don't believe that marriage guarantees anything? Because I don't think that going through a ceremony and paying money for a license proves anything?

 

The committment is something you make in your heart, it always was, and if the committment isn't in your heart, then the marriage is meaningless anyways.

 

I can't really see how marriage makes the committment any more real? I did it. It wasn't. Why is marriage the only way to prove a lifetime committment?

 

The cost of the marriage license is usually under well under $100.00. I don't think we're 'breaking the bank' there.

And I agree with you that committment is made in the heart. Marriage is representative of that "committment". Of itself, there's nothing particularly scary about it. It's the committment part that's actually scary.

 

"Marriage" is just subjective terminology. It means different things to different people. In religious terms, you either believe in marriage as a sacrament or you don't. Either way, both religious and secular people often select 'marriage' in defining their relationship and offering committment to one another.

 

Personally, I think there's no point in making an uncommitted committment. Why would anyone who wanted the guarantee of freedom not take the the precautions necessary to REALLY preserve it?

Bound together in parenting is still "bound together".

 

There aren't any guarantees on ANYTHING in life, Otter. Everything's a roll of the dice. You set up the parameters for success as best you can, and you work your deal every day....but lightning can strike anywhere.

[glittergurl]

Hmm, I have to disagree. I feel like marriage did prove our committment to each other. I've noticed that people who say marriage doesn't mean anything, are mainly those who have been extremely disappointed in past relationships/marriages, and feel too bitter about it now. Fact is, marriage is not the source of the problem. But issues within your couple, are.

[blind_otter]

Personally, I think there's no point in making an uncommitted committment. Why would anyone who wanted the guarantee of freedom not take the the precautions necessary to REALLY preserve it?

Bound together in parenting is still "bound together".

 

There aren't any guarantees on ANYTHING in life, Otter. Everything's a roll of the dice. You set up the parameters for success as best you can, and you work your deal every day....but lightning can strike anywhere.

 

What I'm saying is -- according to YOU, you need a marriage ceremony to symbolize your committment. But not everyone does, get me? Because not everyone values the same things that you do, but that's OK.

 

Why does me not liking marriage, which I feel is an antiquated institution originally designed to facilitate the transfer of property between the father and the new husband, mainly the wife, which is considered chattel, have to reflect on my bitterness about my past?

 

Can't I just believe what I believe?

[grateful]

I agree with Blind_Otter and have had no bad experiences with marriage. In fact I've had the all too rare these days good experience of my parents marriage. My parents were together until my father died and they were in love, supported each other, respected each other, still held hands, etc. We are a very close family, still take family vacations even though my sibling and I are well into adulthood.

 

I've never been married but am not rushing to do so even though my SO and I have been together 7 years. I will get married because I see the advantages of the legal relationship. However I see it as a legal formality rather than a sign of committment. To me, my SO and I are already committed. I say all of this to say that you don't have to have a bad experience to question the institution of marriage. My parents relationship survived despite the marriage, if you think of the mockery of the institution of marriage that we as a society have evolved to. I saw what made the relationship work and I focus on that personal committment in my relationship not a piece of paper or a band of gold.

[Ladyjane14]

What I'm saying is -- according to YOU, you need a marriage ceremony to symbolize your committment. But not everyone does, get me? Because not everyone values the same things that you do, but that's OK.

 

 

YES OTTER:love: ... I agree with you...as stated above, I would never commit to raising a family with a man unless he put that committment in terms of MARRIAGE. That's important to my religious beliefs and my personal preference. This in keeping with my family values, which are traditional and nothing I need apologize for.

 

It's no hair off my chest what other people do.

 

But I don't see the point in avoiding marriage either. If a person becomes committed to family life, their committment isn't lessened by their unmarried status. If your S/O cheats on you...it's still cheating. If he abandons you and your kids....you and your kids have still been abandoned.

[blind_otter]

But I don't see the point in avoiding marriage either. If a person becomes committed to family life, their committment isn't lessened by their unmarried status. If your S/O cheats on you...it's still cheating. If he abandons you and your kids....you and your kids have still been abandoned.

 

Right. But I don't have to pay a retainer to get out of that relationship, though. I've always had committment issues. I am totally great with someone, but as soon as they want to put a label on it, I get antsy and ditch them.

 

I wear a lovely opal ring on my left ring finger with diamons on either side in clusters. I am married to God. And Myself. Who is God's finger.

 

pull my finger.

[Ladyjane14]

I wear a lovely opal ring on my left ring finger with diamons on either side in clusters. I am married to God. And Myself. Who is God's finger.

 

pull my finger.

 

 

[Ladyjane14]

Right. But I don't have to pay a retainer to get out of that relationship, though.

 

Heck, you might need a retainer if you had a house together and a couple of kids.

 

Say you meet this great guy. Move into together. Love. Love. Love. Buy a place, maybe have a few little crumb-catchers together.

 

Then one day....great guy becomes HUGE slob. He won't work. He won't leave. And he spends all your money while cheating on you with other women....because afterall, he IS single and he can do whatever he wants.

 

How do you extricate him from your life????

 

You can lock the doors, but that won't keep him out if his name's on the deed same as yours. And you can't just club him in the head like a baby seal, because the law won't take kindly to it.

 

It don't matter what you call it. Call it 'marriage'. Call it 'committment'. The end product is the same. You need a court order to dissolve the union once you've gotten in that deep.

 

All in all, I think single people who REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want to stay single...will do better to take precautions in preserving their freedom.

[blind_otter]

Heck, you might need a retainer if you had a house together and a couple of kids.

 

I guess, except I already own my own house. I may move one day, but I don't think I'll sell this house. I grew up in it!

 

Then one day....great guy becomes HUGE slob. He won't work. He won't leave. And he spends all your money while cheating on you with other women....because afterall, he IS single and he can do whatever he wants.

 

How do you extricate him from your life????

 

Kick him out. I wouldn't buy a house an put anyone else's name on the deed other than my own.

 

Even when I was married I kept my finances separate. I actually do have a joint bank account, though. with my mother!

[Rob In NC]

One of my friends is on lock down because of his wife. We are Redskin fans. We use to go to a sports bar twice a year to watch them play the Cowboys. Now his wife gripes and complains about this. I could understand a wife not wanting her husband going to bars with friends while she sits at home. But this is TWICE A YEAR. Not twice a week. He swears she's bi-polar. If he comes home 30 minutes late, he is slamed with 20 questions. He tells me she wasn't like this until a few years after marriage.

 

About 5 years ago, I wanted to be married. I was talking with some of my friends who are married. I said "it must be nice to have sex anytime you want". They laughed and said "Is that what you think?". "Since getting married, I hardly ever get laid."

[glittergurl]

One of my friends is on lock down because of his wife. We are Redskin fans. We use to go to a sports bar twice a year to watch them play the Cowboys. Now his wife gripes and complains about this. I could understand a wife not wanting her husband going to bars with friends while she sits at home. But this is TWICE A YEAR. Not twice a week. He swears she's bi-polar. If he comes home 30 minutes late, he is slamed with 20 questions. He tells me she wasn't like this until a few years after marriage.

 

About 5 years ago, I wanted to be married. I was talking with some of my friends who are married. I said "it must be nice to have sex anytime you want". They laughed and said "Is that what you think?". "Since getting married, I hardly ever get laid."

 

So your friends have issues with their wives that need to be worked on. And your point is?

[blind_otter]

So your friends have issues with their wives that need to be worked on. And your point is?

 

Man, I know you probably don't mean it (I hope!!) but that came off sounding really snide and mean. I'm just saying. He was posting in his own thread, after all...

[glittergurl]

Oh, I didnt mean this to sound mean at all. I just had the feeling he mentioned his friends stories to validate the fact that he's against marriage. What I meant is; this is not a good point. You can tell as many stories of whoever you know, it still comes down to the fact that those are issues that need to be worked on between husband and wife. It does not prove that marriage is a bad idea. Those are two seperate things.

 

Mind you, I'm not against people who are against marriage. I just find some arguments to be weak reasons.

[SmoochieFace]

I just find some arguments to be weak reasons.

 

There really doesn't have to be ANY arguments (strong or weak) for or against marriage. It is simply a personal choice and every person should be able to make that choice without being blasted for it.

[Rob In NC]

So your friends have issues with their wives that need to be worked on. And your point is?

 

I think my point is quite clear. From what I've seen, just about everyone I know who is married is miserable. Since I am witnessing this, I have formed some opinions about marriage. BTW, there is no working on those issues. He has tried for a very long time and it hasn't changed.

 

I think the original idea of marriage is a good thing. I think marriage would be perfect in simple times. People in the past married young and didn't have several loves. A lot of my parent's friends have been married for over 30 years and were highschool sweethearts. They devoted themselves to each other at a young age and stayed together. Now nearly everyone (people under 40) has been in different serious relationships before marriage. You may think you are marrying the right one, but who's to say your ex, the one who you truly loved at one time, wasn't the one you should be with? Maybe one deluded themselves into thinking their current spouse is the right person, when their ex is the one they should be with. One can say they are your ex for a reason, but maybe the reason is weak. Maybe the reason was poor communication and misunderstandings that could easily be fixed. But instead of fixing them, one listened to other's advice about moving on and leaving the past behind and convinced themselves that their current spouse is the one they are meant to be with, when that's not the case.

[Touche]

There really doesn't have to be ANY arguments (strong or weak) for or against marriage. It is simply a personal choice and every person should be able to make that choice without being blasted for it.

 

I absolutely agree with this. (Wow, we agree on something!)

 

It's just one of those things where there really isn't a right or wrong answer. So I'm kind of amending what I said to OP before. I mean he may change his mind down the road and think that his view now was the wrong one for him but then again he might not.

 

I do believe that marriage is not for everyone and it's really up to the individual(s) involved.

[Rob In NC]

I would just like to say that at one time I liked the idea of marriage. I do have an open mind and may change it in time. In a way, I'm here because I am curious to see the different points of view about this.

 

BTW, I'm not offended by glitter gurl;) . She is defensive about her situation. It's kind of like this situation at work. This co-worker of mine is involved with Amway (Quikstar) and tries to recruit people to join. I said Amway was a shady pyramid scheme and cult like. He got all defensive about it and was like "No it's not! It's a legit business! Blah, Blah, Blah"

[quankanne]

I'm happily married but I'm not one of those who would push it on anyone. It's not for the immature or the faint of heart. You've got to really know yourself and really know the other person for it to work. Love alone is not enough. You often have to swallow your pride. But there's SO much good that it's worth everything.

 

yep – it's a whole rethinking your life. But, if this is what you truly want, then it's truly worth undertaking.

 

to the OP:

sounds like you're hanging out with marriage malcontents and basing your whole view on their very subjective outlook on marriage. The reality of marriage is that you don't get laid as often as you want, your time is no longer yours exclusively, you have to share, you have to do crap you don't want to do sometimes. But the additional reality is that with a marriage, you're building up something solid and stable, if both partners take the time and care needed to do this as they meet the challenges that come within their relationship.

 

it's like owning a kick-ass car or truck: you've got to keep up the maintenance for it to continue to run properly. Ignore the engine warning or forget to keep the oil topped, you're creating ideal environment for problems.

 

marriage is the same. If your friend's wife is freaking out about his hanging out with the boys, he needs to make the time to talk with her to discover why she feels this way, then come up with a solution that works for both. If he's not happy about the quanity of boinking sessions, he needs to find out if the lack of quality – or stress or health/other problems are culprit.

 

fussing about those problems without taking the time to find the source – with either car or relationship – is pointless.

[Touche]

I would just like to say that at one time I liked the idea of marriage. I do have an open mind and may change it in time. In a way, I'm here because I am curious to see the different points of view about this.

 

BTW, I'm not offended by glitter gurl;) . She is defensive about her situation. It's kind of like this situation at work. This co-worker of mine is involved with Amway (Quikstar) and tries to recruit people to join. I said Amway was a shady pyramid scheme and cult like. He got all defensive about it and was like "No it's not! It's a legit business! Blah, Blah, Blah"

 

Rob, that's a TERRIBLE analogy! Sheesh...I'm with you on that Amway s***. Always sounded shady to me too! But how you can compare Amway to marriage is beyond me! Nothing shady or cult-like about my marriage! (Hmmm..my husband does make me drink purple kool-aid though and submit to his every whim! j/k!)

[glittergurl]

thanks for comparing my marriage to Amway

[Rob In NC]

Rob' date=' that's a TERRIBLE analogy! Sheesh...I'm with you on that Amway s***. Always sounded shady to me too! But how you can compare Amway to marriage is beyond me! Nothing shady or cult-like about my marriage! (Hmmm..my husband does make me drink purple kool-aid though and submit to his every whim! j/k!)[/quote']

 

LOL. I'm not saying marriage is shady. I'm saying that they both are a trap:laugh: . They both promise happiness and suck you in, then leave you broke after it's all said and done LOL. BTW, I'm just joking with that analogy:)

[Touche]

LOL. I'm not saying marriage is shady. I'm saying that they both are a trap:laugh: . They both promise happiness and suck you in, then leave you broke after it's all said and done LOL. BTW, I'm just joking with that analogy:)

 

Ok, we'll let you go on that this time. But seriously, I don't feel trapped and neither does my husband (I asked him!). The minute someone feels trapped (like I did with my ex) you know it's wrong and it's time to leave.

 

You know, it's no crime to feel as you do but I really hope you change how you feel about marriage because some of us really HAVE found our soulmates. And some of us really do know we found the right one to share our lives with.

 

I was single for a long time and now I'm married for a long time and I guess you know which one I prefer. Same with my husband. He hated being single too. But he hated being married to the wrong woman even more. (Second marriage for both of us - together 11 1/2 years now.)

[sumdude]

Well this may not be the best place to get totally balanced opinions. After all, I think most folks seek out sites like this when things aren't going so well. To coin a phrase there's a 'silent majority' out there. This is not saying that anyone replying is saying anything wrong, just that a lot of folks come here for help and commisseration in rough times.

 

By the way, how do you know all of your married freinds are miserable? Is this what they tell you or your own observations?

[SmoochieFace]

I absolutely agree with this. (Wow' date=' we agree on something!)[/quote']

 

Surprising, isn't it, Hot Coco?