I can't stand my SO's friends

[Guest]

OK, we are together about 6 years now.

 

I have made every effort to get along with his friends.

 

My SO is a great guy, very smart and has a professional job, he's kind-hearted and has a good sense of humour.

For some reason, he keeps choosing these really weird people to hang out with and be friends with.

 

There are two friends he no longer associates with, thank god. Unfortunately, we spent a summer vacation with them years ago. Both are hard drinkers who constantly spout profanity and are bigots. They are uneducated slobs. I don't care what kind of profession you have, but if you spout ignorance, profanity and bigotry you just come off as ignorant. I told one of them not to use the 'n' word in my presence and he was insulted.

 

I am glad he no longer associates with those two. They shared a common interest and that's how they became friends, but he finally realized how low and idiotic they were. It took years for him to realize it.

 

He has some other friends I don't care to spend time with; his best friend acts very condescending towards everyone, is always sarcastic and you can't have a real, normal conversation with him. His wife is strange and moody. One day she acts like your best friend, the next day she barely talks to you. I hate being around either of them and I have tried....believe me...for years to try and get along with these people. I even cooked dinner for them last week and bought a birthday gift for the wife and she acted very strange towards me, barlely speaking at all and didn't say hello or goodbye when they came and lef

No, she's not shy. One day she'll talk your ear off, the next it's nothing.

 

SO has another friend who's a brilliant doctor but who is also addicted to pain pills and only calls SO when he needs help with something.

 

Why does he pick these types of friends? Whenever I hear we're going to spend time with 'his' friends I shudder inside.

 

Funny, but he has trouble with some of my friends too. Are we just too different from each other?

 

Our relationship has not been very satisfying lately and I feel the distance growing between us.

 

Is it necessary to like each others' friends?

[Kenyth]

Some people are less judgemental and more accepting of people different from them. I've had plenty of friends from all walks of life, and believe me, not all of them had high opinions of each other, but I got along fine with all of them. Your husband is probably one of these types.

 

Anyway, the best friend you're just going to have to tolerate and try your best with. I think if you're a little less judgemental about them, they might warm up. People can sense things like that.

 

As far as the Dr. only calling when he needs help. Men bond this way sometimes. The call for assistance is a cover for a social visit. I've spent a lot of time with friends working on cars, PC's, landscaping, weight lifting, moving, etc. and enjoyed every minute. The work is usually followed by cold beer and manly talk . It's not really so much taking advantage of someone as it might appear.

 

If your husband doesn't like your friends, I'm guessing it's because he senses they are judgemental and he's not. "Live and let live" personalities tend to get irritated around people who are overly concerned with social status and refinement.

[tikigods]

I agree with the bonding thing, we concider our next door neighbors our friends, my husband and her husband only really get together though when the other needs help from the other one. Men don't generally need to have long talks about shoes and whatnot, and really can be friends with someone and just be there when they need eachother.

[Scott S]

Funny, but he has trouble with some of my friends too. Are we just too different from each other?

 

Our relationship has not been very satisfying lately and I feel the distance growing between us.

 

Is it necessary to like each others' friends?

 

Although liking each other's friends (and more improtantly, family members) is not vital, it does enhance the relationship.

 

Being different from each other does not necessarily doom the relationship. In fact, it is supposed to enrich it, but you at least need to be compatable for it to be successful.

 

From the second point above, I get the impression there are other issues besides each other's friends. What else is going on in addition to this issue, if I may ask?

 

So the simplistic answer is to excuse yourself from the event when he wants to be with these people, & meet with your friends that he does not care for. Simplistic because this addresses this problem on the surface rather than the root issue. A Band-aid, if you will.

 

Ultimately it's your decision as to what & how much you are willing to endure for the sake of the relationship, of course.

 

______________________________________________

Make something idiot-proof, and they will simply invent a better idiot.

[stereo1]

I think it's important to like - or if not like, at least tolerate - each other's friends. Here's why: If you can't stand their friends, it's going to eat away at you, until it becomes a much bigger issue than perhaps it really is.

 

There's a point where you have no control over the person you are with. You can expect your SO to be faithful, to be truthful, and to be good to you. But there's a point where you have to realize that you don't own them, and some things they have a right to whether you like it or not. Would you give up your friends for him? Should he expect you to? That's what you have to ask yourself. Does he have a right to choose who you can and cannot be friends with?

[JayKay]

Hello! It's been SIX YEARS and I have gone out of my way to try and like them and get along with them. I hardly think I'm being judgemental after SIX YEARS of trying to find things we have in common, to invite them into my house and share holidays with.

 

And people who are constantly sarcastic towards me after SIX YEARS and whose wives are hot-and-cold with me after SIX YEARS are very hard to get to know better.