he won't seperate

[+++]

I have been married an X amount of years and together me & my husband have 2 children who are young. Things have been stressful for a long time and we have been sleeping seperately for years. We both work full time, opposite shifts and run the children to after school activities. They are well adjusted and happy, life should be wonderful;

 

but...we bicker constantly, over everything. Today felt like the last straw. I asked him to consider two homes, one that is closer to his job, to give us time to work our problems out. (his job is an hour away from home, it is a major factor in our problems~no we're not moving there) I have mentioned doing this before. He flat out refused, saying he can't live that way by pretending everything is fine when it's not. So I said, what do we do? Fight until one of us gets physically hurt? (it has come very close) He said yes, that seems to be the siguation. No marriage counselling, no nothing; he won't do that. Just one day he will leave and I will have to figure out how to pay the mortage, etc. on my paycheck. He will help with support for the kids. I was crying, upset and saying we can't divorce, the kids are too young, what if we seperate for a while and work things out? He said no, thats not an option. I am worried about the future financially since I have no family of my own to lean on. I feel so stupid about the finances since he always took care of everything. I really don't know what to do. I know he means everything he is saying. I know I have to try to think of the future but I don't even know where to start...

[Ed]

Whew! What a stalemate! I don't know where to start either, but here are some of my thoughts.

 

First of all, hang in there. Things will get better one day. Do you have any friends you can rely on? If not, try to make friends with someone or find a support group of some kind. You'll need it.

 

I think you need to consult with the best divorce lawyer you can find. Do you have any access to money at all? What happens to your paycheck? You don't have to answer those questions here online. If you can't get to any money to pay for legal services now, I'm sure you can find an attorney that will work on your behalf until you can. An attorney will usually offer the first consultation at no charge anyway.

 

There are only two ways to get away from your husband. Either you leave or he leaves. He has already said he is not leaving. That only leaves you with one option. He may have already consulted an attorney about this. It could possibly look better for him in divorce court if you were the one moving out, it depends on the circumstances you leave under. You have some very valid reasons for leaving, such as, limited access to financial information. Again, consult an attorney as to what your best course of action should be.

 

That's the best I can do right now.

[Laurynn]

Hi there...

 

First of all, you say that your 2 children are health and well adjusted.....I take that to mean that the bickering between you and your hubby hasn't affected them at all. That can't possibly be true. Children may appear unaffected, but children are greatly affected by tension, chaos, bickering and discontent in the home...even if you do your bickering "behind closed doors." Children are much more perceptive than we sometimes give them credit for.

 

Kids that grow up in this kind of environment go on to have dysfunctional relationships themselves, when they are older....often times, young boys will grow up to be men who bully women, control them, dominate them, possibly even physically abuse them.......and little girls grow up to be women who suffer with self esteem problems, end up in relationships where they are dominated, abused, disrespected and manipulated.

 

Children "mirror" what they see. The marriages and relationships they see growing up, are their foundation for the relationships they'll get involved in.

 

I speak from personal experience. My parents, who've now been married for 35 yrs, were constant bickerers. In fact, they had a nickname..the Bickersons. Money was tight growing up...my parents both worked very hard. My Dad was very stubborn and what he said, went. He was the main breadwinner. He worked away from home a lot. This put a lot of strain on my Mom, she was often alone to raise us girls (my sis and I). She resented this, having to pretty much raise us alone. When he was home, they always fought. They still do.

 

I grew up getting involved in one abusive relationship after another. I was so used to 'chaos and tension and bickering' that I subconsciously gravitated towards these kinds of relationships. I ended up marrying a real abusive S.O.B., and I ended up having him charged w/ assault.

 

Anyway....

 

What I suggest to you is this......get in contact with the nearest Battered Women's Shelter in your area.....you can talk to them on the phone, anonymously. They're not going to go calling the cops, I promise you. You just need someone to talk to. You're stuck and in a stressful situation, and married to a man who refuses to take any steps to save your marriage.

 

The women who work (volunteer) at these shelters have been in your shoes. They will help you find realistic solutions to things. You can even meet with them in person, and work with them to come up with a plan to make some changes. I'd say the vast majority of women who contact them are in situations similar to yours......housewives who've spent all their years raising the children, not having worked, having no income of their own....and stuck in an unhealthy relationship but don't know how to get out, don't know how they'd support themselves and their children. You are NOT ALONE!!

 

You've already admitted that the fighting between you and your hubby has nearly escalated to a point where physical violence is close. I'm proud of you that you're able to admit this....and that you're here, looking for some help. That says you're a strong and insightful woman.

 

If you're not sure how to find a Shelter in your area, or a Woman's Network, etc.....please feel free to email me off this site, and I'll help you find the support you need. I was in your shoes nearly 7 yrs ago, and I had no friends or family to turn to, mostly because they just didn't understand. I felt very much alone, trapped, stuck, hopeless. If it wasn't for the wonderful ladies at the Shelter, I don't know what i would have done.

 

Mail me and I can help you find the nearest Shelter in your area, and other sources of support that you need at this time.

 

Sincerely,

 

Laurynn

 

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