Emotional24 Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 I'm just curious about what I should do because I feel guilty. About 3 years ago, me and my guy were just starting out when I went on vacation with an old girlfriend of mine. I happened to make out with a guy, but never told my bf at the time because mostly I felt disgusted with myself and tried to ignore what happened, so we just carried on with our relationship. We broke up a year and a half later due to other reasons but now we are back together after being apart for about a year and a half. Now for some reason this situation has popped back into my mind and I can't stop feeling guilty again. I've heard that if u cheat once and never have done it again/believe you'll never do it again, then u shouldn't tell the other person because its out of guilt and its selfish to try and get rid of those feelings of guilt by putting them onto the other person. I have not done anything unfaithful to my bf in either times we were together since then. I guess I really only want to tell him because I do feel guilty about it since we've been through so much together and I don't want there to be any secrets but on the otherhand we were literally only together for a week or two when this happened and we didn't love eachother...yet. If I do tell him, he'll believe he can't be able to trust me and that's not the case because he can. This happened 3 years ago. It'd be different if it just happened or we were together in a committed relationship when it happened so why do I feel guilty about it again and now after so long? Me and the guy didn't even do anything sexual, just kissing...pretty much making out I guess u could say. So then what's the point in bringing it up now? I know I should have told him when it first happened but we were just starting out and I guess I figured it wasn't a big deal then when it happened because our feelings weren't as strong. And nobody knows except for the guy obviously and then me and the friend I went on vacation with so its not like he'd hear it from anyone else. However, I am not friends with the girl I went with anymore and she has some psycho jealousy issues so she may out of some sort of revenge try and tell him but its very unlikely for them to ever see/run into eachother, but that's not the issue. Also, I'm worried if my bf and I go out and get tipsy I may end up telling him I made out with the guy because I do talk more than I should when drunk and because he has asked me about the guy since I mentioned him from when I went on vacation before, it may come up again. Just recently this came up and all I said was that I kissed him on the cheek after I told him nothing happened and that was it and then he said he didn't want to hear anymore because it doesn't matter anymore. But if I do end up talking about what happened, that is if I actually tell him I didn't just kiss him on the cheek, but made out, would that be bad? or should I not worry about it and try and forgive myself for what I did wrong? what do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want the truth? It is sad that you have already lied to him about telling him you only kissed this guy on the cheat. What does that say about you that you feel the need to keep lying to him about it? Do you want to be an honest person or not? Link to post Share on other sites
MadDog Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 I went on vacation with an old girlfriend of mine. I happened to make out with a guy, but never told my bf at the time. . . I like how people always describe questionable behavior in a passive manner. "I happened to make out with a guy." It sounds like you had nothing to do with the process and were just a passive observer. "Honey, I was on the way home from school and I happened to bang 2 hot bi chicks. . .at the same time. But it kinda happened on its own so I hope you're not mad." Seriously, if you want to set things right, you have to start by taking responsibility for what you did. You need to realize you made a the wrong choice. It wasn't some unfortunate accident. Once you accept that you wronged him, then you can think about how to tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
vampress1 Posted April 27, 2006 Share Posted April 27, 2006 If you are fearful that it may come out in a drunken stuper... confess!! At least that way you can explain. It sounds like you are well aware that this can (and probably will) go badly. He has that right, so let him go with his anger... I think it's pretty safe to say that there will not be anymore "girls only vacations" in your future... ooops!! It's important to remind your boy that you've matured since then and realize, now, what you have to loose. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emotional24 Posted April 28, 2006 Author Share Posted April 28, 2006 It's in the passive tense because it happened in the past...3 years ago! It didn't just happen. I don't feel the need to tell him now because it was when we weren't serious and we have already broken up from that time period and now that we are back together after being apart...why bring up something from the past??? Especially when its not necessary to become a new issue at hand since it hasn't been an issue since then. I've never been unfaithful to him since and when I was it was literally in the first week of getting together and no, I wouldn't care to know either if he "happened to do the same". why? cause after thinking about it, I see it as something I don't need to know because we were different people back then and it was in the beginning before we really got to know eachother and love eachother. So after all this time after being faithful to him after the first week this happened, and then breaking up and then getting back together after almost 2 years, I should tell him? So he won't trust me when he can, or what? but I should lose his trust over something stupid I did 3 years ago? I already regret it and feel guilty otherwise I never would have wanted to bring it up on here so I know I'm sorry and because I am, it never has happened since then and I know I will never do something like that again. It'd be different if we were still together the whole time since it happened or I did sexual things with the guy or it had just happened, then by all means, I would have no other choice but to tell him. In this one case, I don't think all honesty is the best policy...why hurt him over something from so long ago when there's no need to? I could be one of those people that shows no remorse for what they did or see nothing wrong with what I did and just go on with it, but I do and that's why it hasn't happened again. I need to forgive myself and in doing so shouldn't require hurting others to make myself feel better for what I did wrong...but we all have different view points on here so not one person is going to have the answer.... Link to post Share on other sites
shanequa_420 Posted April 28, 2006 Share Posted April 28, 2006 I didn't read any of the comments you recieved, but my response to your problem is that I know how it feels. I kept it from my bf for almost a year and like you said I got a little tipsy and told him. I had planned on telling him, but just not the way I did it. Well, yes it makes me feel better that I told him and that it is out in the open. It was the same situation no sexual, just making out, but he doesn't see it that way. Honestly when I told him he hated me for it to this day he still hates me for it and says he wanted to get back at me. I almost/I do wish I would have never told him. It hurts our relationship every time it is brought up because he hates it and I hate it. I would just forget about it, but if it is getting to you to the point where you HAVE to tell him, just do it. I am just telling you that when you do tell him it is not going to feel good knowing that he thinks that much less of you. It is a very very very touchy situation. I hope my comments will help and good luck on the whole situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emotional24 Posted April 28, 2006 Author Share Posted April 28, 2006 And that's just it. I would hate for him to see me for less of a person that I am today because of something I did back when I wasn't the same person especially when I learned from it, so why go back to that? Does that make sense? If he brings it up again in the future for some reason when we're talking then I may just let it out that I didn't just kiss him on the cheek, but actually kissed him and then explain my reasonings if possible. So I shall see... Link to post Share on other sites
shanequa_420 Posted April 28, 2006 Share Posted April 28, 2006 All I have to say is it is better to tell him while you are not tipsy because you may say to much or you may just say it in the wrong way and believe me, you don't want to do that. That is what I did and that is part of the reason it still hurts the relationship. I honestly wish I wouldn't have told him but at the same time I know it would have came out one time when I was drunk, therefore, I am kind of glad it is done and overwith. It is all how you choose to deal with it, but believe me it isn't going to be a good moment at all and neither of you will ever forget it. It is good to get it out though. I would like to say the sooner the better but at the same time it seems the longer you wait the less the reaction may be. I only waited about eight months and he hated, wanted to leave me, wanted to go have sex with other women. I barely even kissed the guy and my bf wanted to get revenge so bad that it really really really hurt me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emotional24 Posted April 28, 2006 Author Share Posted April 28, 2006 there's no way he'd find out from someone else so he'd only hear it from me and I wouldn't when we're out drinking. I may fear I may say something if put into the situation, but I would obviosly prefer to do it when we're able to be reasonable. The thing that gets me though is he's a big believer in what happens in the past stays in the past and I'm the opposite. I can't let things go which is probably why this came up again for me to discuss here. I highly doubt he'd leave me over this since it did happen so long ago, but its the whole not being able to trust me based on this when he can. Like i said before, we broke up after the first time and never expected to be together again...now we are and its like a fresh start so why bring something up from a time when things were different? If we never broke up, i would have to tell him, but we went our separate ways. It just seems stupid to bring it up into this relationship this time around. what would I say? I need to tell u something...I actually ended up making out with a guy while on that vacation before u and I got serious...3 years ago???? He'd probably be pissed off at me more for telling him something that he didn't need to know rather than me actually doing something. So why tell him when he most likely would prefer I didn't. I just know how he is... Link to post Share on other sites
parentdetective Posted April 28, 2006 Share Posted April 28, 2006 I would say tell the truth..honesty is the best policy......Come clean...You will feel better.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emotional24 Posted April 28, 2006 Author Share Posted April 28, 2006 Yes...I will feel better...but he won't. I'd rather feel bad than hurting him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emotional24 Posted April 29, 2006 Author Share Posted April 29, 2006 Okay...well last night I ended up telling him. He didn't even really care. He did say it wasn't a good thing. But he was calm and knew cause it was from so long ago and before we were so serious, it wasn't the worse thing in the world. I reassured him that I was completely faithful to him throughout the remainder of our relationship and that he never has anything to worry about. I do feel better and am glad I told him. I just hope it doesn't haunt me for the rest of my life or he holds it against me in arguments. But it is best that I told him...a clean conscience is good. : ) Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted April 29, 2006 Share Posted April 29, 2006 in the future, pay no attention to the genuis's who tell you not to tell your bf things like this. Link to post Share on other sites
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