Why are friends so important to Men??????

[Teag]

Hi,

some of you who have read past post know my situation and I'm just trying to understand. Why are Friends so important to men? My H best friend is one of the most important people in his life other than our daughter. He puts him first before our family ALL the time. We had a conversation last week about things & he made the comment that if I ever made him choose between me & his best friend he would pack his bags. First of all I would never do that but that really hurt my feelings. Thats just means his best friend (guy) is more important to him than I am.

I just CAN'T understand how someone who isn't your family can be so important. Alot of guys I know are like this too. I'm trying to understand but can't. Sometimes I wonder if their gay, I now they aren't but they are up each others butt all the time. They work together, together all day everyday & wants to hang out with him all the time. He would rather hang out with him than be home. BUT he won't let me go. I've told him if he doesn't want to be with me to let me go so I could move on. But he won't. All he wants to do is be with him, drink & smoke pot, he is an alcoholic and we haven't been getting along lately BUT its always been this way, before the drinking when our relationship was perfect, the only thing we ever fought about was him. He was always at our house & I wanted time alone for myself & my family but I couldn't b/c he was always there & now that he's got his own place my H is always over there. It drives me nuts, any input????

[aleatoryd]

Maybe they are secretly gay and you are the marriage to make things look normal

 

Sorry couldn't resist. I'm a (straight) guy and I have six close male friends who I grew up with. To be honest two have gone there separate ways a bit and one is really into his girlfriend (they'll be married within the year). But anyway I digress. Guys have a unity or brotherhood. Shared experiences and interests. We've gone different ways doing different things (College/Uni split us up as we all went different ways) and one even moved to the Far East on and off for the last 7 years. But not even all these different things have broken us up.

 

When we start getting married things may change... but in all honesty our bonds survived a lot of things - there were more of us but drink, drugs and other things took some of our friends away. Those of us left are very close and probably if it came to a woman or our friends I'm 90% certain that the mates would stay and the woman go. I say 90% because as our friends head towards marriage which is where we all want to be - hopefully the girls we are meeting will get on with our friends. I know my friends so well that any woman who didn't like them or they didn't like really wouldn't be right for me.

 

I'm not saying your husbands behaviour is right. My friends and I agree that when we marry we'd put our wife first in our heart but not at the price of losing our friends. So that's it really if a woman says it's me or your friend I chose the friend because I wouldn't want to be with a wife who didn't value my friendships. On the other hand I'd say if I loved my wife and any friend said bad words about them I'd be getting rid of them. It's about knowing a person who is genuine and there for you. Which yes, should ideally be the wife.

 

It's really illogical I know... maybe it's because we can only have one wife but lots of friends! Or maybe it's just because friends have always been there, always will be there and we need them.

[Mary3]

I think its disrespectful of the friend to monopolize all of your husbands time , seeing him every day , all day and then wanting to see him at night , knowing he has a wife at home and she should be pretty much top priority,

 

Its also disrespectful of your husband to spend this amount of time with his friend and put your feelings and considerations LAST.

 

I think the friend could kindly back off a little and request a more reasonable time frame to hang out with your husband . But your husband is blowing you off and disregarding how you feel.

 

If you never get to see or spend time with your husband then what kind of marraige do you have ?

 

I would sit them both down and tell them how you feel. If the friend balks at your suggestion or the husband, I would tell them to have a nice life.

 

Are you sure your Husband is not gay ? You said they go off together and you can't go. Why ?

[Woggle]

Sometimes a man's friends mean more to him than family. They are the ones who are there for him when everybody else turns their back on him and most of the time they are there when his wife walks out on him and leaves him in the dust. It is even a tighter bond if they were friends since youth. I would take a bullet for some of my friends and that is because they have been there through thick and thin.

[Guest]

"We had a conversation last week about things & he made the comment that if I ever made him choose between me & his best friend he would pack his bags. First of all I would never do that but that really hurt my feelings. Thats just means his best friend (guy) is more important to him than I am. "

 

 

 

See, I feel the same way as your husband, although I am a woman.

 

I used to have a very controlling boyfriend who didn't like it when I spent time with my friends. He didn't think they were 'classy' enough, so to speak. Anyway, I ended up losing a couple of friends because of him and me and my BEST friend and I didn't speak for almost a year.

 

Since that experience, my philosophy is anyone who threatens to sabotage my important friendships is out the door.

 

If anyone EVER made me 'choose' between them and my friends, I'd take my friends.

 

I have a couple of great friends who stuck by me through the hardest times of my life.

 

You should never threaten or imply that you'd make someone choose between you and their friends.

 

He probably finds escape from the pressures of life being with his buddies. THey support each other and can laugh off a lot of stuff.

Daily life is hard and friends help you see serious things in a lighter way.

 

If you need him home more often, don't bring up the friend issue. Ask him if he can plan to do some special things with you and the kids certain weekends. Tell him you need help with household chores and get him to committ to a fair share of the burden of running a house.

You need to work as a team.

But complaining about his friendships is useless. Let it go and be happy he has a good support system. Lots of men don't have good friends.

[Cappe]

As someone said bond's bewteen men are very strong and arent easily broken,if ever.I also have alot of close male friends and wouldnt trade them in for the world.Hell,one of my friend's recently joined the army and one is preparing to move to another country.We still make the effort to get togther and do the old things we used to get up too.

 

Unlike your family,you get too choose your friends.And these bond's will get stronger over time.As for how it's affecting your marriage,you should be able to talk about it,you shouldn't be on the back burner...At the same time you must understand that your husband needs to be himself and do what he wants.At the same time you have to make him aware that as a husband he's got a responsiablity to make time for his family.

 

"Are you sure your Husband is not gay ? You said they go off together and you can't go. Why ?"

 

Why does that make him gay? why is it when any guy has a strong bond,his sexuality is questioned? There used to be a time when men could embrace their friend,weep when they leave and cry with joy when reunited (BTW this isn't a dig at you Mary3 ).Rather there may be a problem he see's within the marriage,more than likely; He doesn't find "quality family time" worth it/enjoyable/whatever,a problem that need's to be hashed out.

 

Try this,greet him at the door when he arrive's home from work,give him a hug/kiss/stroke of the face whatever you feel.Tell him you love him,sit him down and politely tell him what need's to be said.This may or may not work (I say may not) but at least it's something.

 

Ever try marriage counseling?

[Guest]

it's obnoxious that he made a statement that he would choose between you at all. why should he have to choose?? why even go there??

 

i think that if the friend was any kind of a true friend, like the ones the guys on here have been talking about, he'd give his buddy time alone with his wife. he's a selfish friend.

 

guys who responded to this: don't you think that, if the tables were reversed and your wife/girlfriend spent all her time with her friends and told you she'd pick them over you that you'd be furious? why the double standard??

[Teag]

The thing that bothers me is that his friend get ALL his time. I get along with his friend, thought of him as a brother figure at one time. His friend is a HUGE user, he uses everyone. We have helped him out more times than I can count & he keeps taking & taking. The only thing he helps up out with is when we need something done to our car & I'm appeciated of that but you would not believe how much we've done for him. About 8 months ago he stayed the night at our house & he STOLE my husbands car, he left saying he was going to the sore to get some ciggs, & didn't return until about 4pm the next day. He was off smoking crack. (literally)

 

My H helped him get off crack but he still does nothing but party, his house is a party house. He's a miserable person & want to bring everyone down with him. The reason I can't go off with my H is b/c we have a 3yr old daughter that I have to take care of. Of and by the way I'm 6 months pregnant with our 2nd baby. The only time he likes to come home is to sleep, there are days when he doesn't even see our daughter b/c instead of coming home to spend time w/ her he chooses to stay at his friends.

 

Try this,greet him at the door when he arrive's home from work,give him a hug/kiss/stroke of the face whatever you feel.Tell him you love him,sit him down and politely tell him what need's to be said.This may or may not work (I say may not) but at least it's something

 

I have tried this, it doesn't work. He says I bitch too much, but the only time I do bitch is when he stays out or spends all his money on alcohol. When I have to hear his daughter cry for him saying she wants her daddy & all I can say is he's not here sweetie, he's still at work, when in realty hes at his friends drinking.

 

It bothers me the fact that we're pretty much like roommates who have sex, now when he's home we get along great, don't argue nothing. I'm working my butt off to make a better life for my children than what I had. I'm working on getting my insurance license and instead of coming home & helping me w/ my daughter so I can take a break & study he stays out. He makes about half as much as I do (which doesn't bother me AT all) BUT he'll spend more than half of it & expect me to pay the bills with my paycheck, so we're pretty much living from paycheck to paycheck. If he gave me the money like he should we would be living nice, we would have been able to buy a house by now b/c between the 2 of us we would make decent money. I wish I could just flip a switch & turn off my feelings & leave but its SO hard, b/c I llove him SO much. When he's home & we're together he brings out the best in me, I can do/say things around him that I can't do in front of anyone. (I'm a shy/quiet person) He makes me feel wonderful when he's home with us.I miss my husband, he's changed so much w/in the past 2 yrs you wouldn't believe.

[aleatoryd]

guys who responded to this: don't you think that, if the tables were reversed and your wife/girlfriend spent all her time with her friends and told you she'd pick them over you that you'd be furious? why the double standard??

 

LOL you probably have a point. In my response it was a case that we would want each other to be happily married and be there for each other and if our future wife made unreasonable demands we'd be there for the mate. If the mate was unreasonable then they'd get a telling off. True mates wouldn't cause trouble or come between their friend and his wife unless she wasn't good for him. So my answer to the friends thing was an ideal as in perfect friends and perfect life with a bit of realism for the fact that everyone acts s***ty at some point in their life.

 

The Original Poster Teag has a very different situation here. Her husbands friend is a party animal who isn't really in tune with the fact that his friend is married and has a kid. The friend may not sound like the greatest guy but it's obvious the two of them are very close - or inseperable. That isn't right. With my friends the wife would always come first and have priority but it wouldn't be an issue because real friends would understand. I give my friends space with their g/f and wives.

 

So it sounds like this situation has gotten out of hand. I think the friend isn't to blame though. It's the husband who decides whether to honour his wife or go out and party. He is being very unreasonable no being round the house and spending time with you. The problem is it doesn't sound like he's matured enough to realise what marriage is. He isn't prepared to cut ddown on his friendship and invest in his marriage.

 

I think he may be still wants to live like a party animal. He probably fantasizes that his friend is living a much better life. You need to bring him down to reality quickly and tell him how he feels. Could you get family and other friends (esp married people) to talk to him. He's not my definition of a "husband". Good luck!

[Mary3]

If your husband spends LITTLE or NO time with you , then he should not be married to you because marraige is a partnership ( together )

 

The husband who wants to be with his friend 24/7 should be....but just don't expect anything at home to be waiting...like a wife...

 

To settle for this life is total crap.

 

I understand the deep bond between the men but why can't you either join in with them or he cut back and spend time with the baby. ?

 

Instead of your H's friend visiting crack dens ,your H should be taking you and the baby places. The park , playlands , ect.

 

I would not settle for this as a marriage.

[whichwayisup]

You shouldn't feel threatened by your husband's bestfriend. This man brings so much good into his life. That's a good thing!

 

We all need friends and you know what? Good friends are hard to come by and so the ones you have in your life you gotta hang on to and TREAT them like family. It's a bond forever.

 

I love my bestfriend and she is a huge part of my (our) life. I wouldn't EVER wanna give up my friendship with her, and to be honest I would be PISSED off if my husband ever asked me to give it up. That is a sign of insecurity and a power control trip. Not good.

 

Though, this bestfriend also have to learn boundries and respect that YOU are the wife. Is it possible that you all can sit and talk about it?

[mental_traveller]

Real friends are CHOSEN FAMILY. That's why they matter.

 

Hear hear. Friends are chosen purely because of their character/qualities. A wife is chosen partly for her qualities, but also for sex & reproduction. Many wives, if they didn't offer sex & kids, would not be as close friends (obviously this isn't true in good marriages, but in many cases i.e. average and bad marriages it is true. Without the sex & kids, the husband would never have gotten hitched)

[Teag]

You shouldn't feel threatened by your husband's bestfriend. This man brings so much good into his life. That's a good thing!

 

We all need friends and you know what? Good friends are hard to come by and so the ones you have in your life you gotta hang on to and TREAT them like family. It's a bond forever.

 

I love my bestfriend and she is a huge part of my (our) life. I wouldn't EVER wanna give up my friendship with her, and to be honest I would be PISSED off if my husband ever asked me to give it up. That is a sign of insecurity and a power control trip. Not good.

 

Though, this bestfriend also have to learn boundries and respect that YOU are the wife. Is it possible that you all can sit and talk about it?

 

Have you read my responses? I have no problem with him having his best friend & I would never ask him to get rid of him, my problem is that he see his best friend more than he sees his daughter. The would rather be at his house drinking playing the playstation than being home with us & spending family time with us. THATS my problem. And talking doesn't help, I've talked & talked & talked nothing helps. Now if the best friend would just settle down with someone, he started getting serious with this one girl (who is now pg w/ his child) we would have cookouts on the weekends & have a good time & my H came home & best friend went to his house to be w/ his girl. But as soon as things start getting REALLY serious he gets scared & runs & now he's pretty much single again, well he's sleeping with a girl & they do nothing but party ALL the time & thats what my H wants to do. Thats the problem I have. Not that I want him to get rid of his best friend, I just want him to choose his family OVER his best friend. There have been days when he wouldn't even see his daughter b/c he would come home after she went to bed. He bit*hes that he doesn't get to spend wnough time with her but all he has to do is come home after work instead of going over to best friends & be with his daughter, instead he chooses to go take best friend home & instead of just dropping him off he hangs out for a few hours & drinks a few beers. By the time he comes home he'll only have like 10 minutes to spend with his child before she goes to bed. (& this is after I keep her up past her bedtime so he can see her) or he doesn't come home til after she's put to bed. We are more like roommates who have sex.

After he cheated on me I put down some new rules saying he must scome home after work & so far he's been doing pretty good, we're more like a family. We eat dinner together, we play games with our daughter & its been really nice. BUT then comes payday & he wants to stay out & party.Last week when he got paid, I called him about 10pm to find out when he would be home & he says oh well I don't think I need to drive home so do you mind if I stay the night. I was pissed. He can't be responsible enough to know when to stop drinking so he can at least drive home. And he expects me to just trust him, & forget he cheated. Theres other issues BUT they all boil down to the time he spends & parties with his best friend.

[ChaseYng2005]

As a male, if I had to choose between the one I loved and my friends, I would pick my lover. I think your husbands need to spend so much time with his best friend is a more deep-seeded issue than we are discussing. You mentioned money issues, and where there are issues with money, other problems are bound to be. Money is the root to all evil. Perhaps you should stop trying to find out why friends are important to men, and find out why spending all his time with his male friend is important to your husband. Better yet, ask yourself is he spending time with this friend to be with his friend, or to escape the issues of home???

[Teag]

Better yet, ask yourself is he spending time with this friend to be with his friend, or to escape the issues of home???

 

Thanks for you input. The answer to that is we wouldn't have money issues if he didn't spend so much time over there. He spends all his money partying with him. Therefore we pretty much live off my paycheck. Thats why we have money issues. Now with that said it does bother him that I make more money than him but thats someting I can't help. He can do so much more if he would just do something about it. He is such a wonderful person & so smart, he wastes his mind & his talents.

 

But anyway: MY UPDATE

 

Things have been going really good for the past few weeks. He's been staying home ALOT more & only going over to his friends once a week to go play golf which has been great. Knock on wood. I just hope things stay this good. We are actually becoming a family again.

[lonepearl]

Hi. I can relate to different bits of what everyone has said in this.

 

I guess as you can see from my other posts, i had a weight issue in the 2nd year of our relationship - about the time he met his current best friend. he never talked to me about it but ended up spending more and more time at his friends. EVERY weekend for the next WHOLE year i never saw him. he would even party with his friend and his gf and other male and female friends but never take me with him saying "its only men together". that had other fears and insecurities develop in me. but thats another story. focusing on the friend thing. he talked about EVERYTHING in our relationship, even private things i talked to him...he told his friend..which i find a betrayal of my trust.. while he kept his friends faith by never telling me anything about him. i didnt even get to meet the friends!

 

Anyway, he loves his best friend because he agreed with everything he bitched to him about me for. he agreed i was a fat bitch and surely he can do better. this is all without knowing the person i was and am. in fatc once when i went over to pick up my partner (as they were drinking) i was told to get lost infront of all his friends by my partner and that i make his life miserable AND his friend said to him "ask your bitch to go home man we have to go into town now".

 

to this day he defends his friend and not me..and thinks i am mental for brining that up even.

 

i agree there were issues at home - but partnership surely is about talking it out with me....what does it resolve talking it out and making fun of me and hating me more because his friends think i am a fat chick and makes him look uncool.

 

what kind of a friend is that?

 

only recently since i have lost weight, my partner has suddenly taken delight in spending more time with me and making me meet his friends. yay for that! and yet at somee level i am deprssed..i guess i am mental?!

 

in dec 05 my partner abandoned me without a word. i had no one to talk to so i turned to his friend..and said if my partner ever came to him to talk and said regrets having left and made a mistake and wants back..please let him know i love him and am reayd to forgive and give this another chance.

 

i find out later that when my partner had gone to him wanting to be back with me, his friend had strongly said NO...she will destroy you man. dont go back to her. he knew my weight was a MAJOR factor....and when he met me to talk to me re my partner - he SAW i had already lost 15kgs...and SAW i was looking better...i asked my partner..did he tell you at all? and he said Nope he never told me you had lost weight even though he knew it was the main thing + on top told him i would destroy him and he deserves better...

 

what kind of a friend is that?

 

then on my birthday i have his friend and his missus here and we are all having drinks and his wife gets all tiddly and taliks to me...re how my partner tells her partner everything..and sorry she couldnt tell me anything...because she knew it all ... that my partner thinks shes hot because shes slim and envies the friend etc. etc. HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT? but dont worry she says to me, i wont cheat on my man....what is that supposed to mean .. that my man is ready to cheat with her? also that the friend goes and tells his missus everything about my private life that my partner blurts to him in confidence...while i am kept in the dark.

 

and when i tell my partner re this...he is angrey and thinks i am lying...and is concerned re this as he assures me he never said this. and yet he wont confront his friend re any of this.

 

he trusts his friend more than me. what kind of a friend is that?

 

i dont like his friend. i have tried to genuinely forgive and beocme friends but i cant. he has done nothing for me. if at all he betrayed my confidence in him at a time i was down .. and to turn around and tell my partner that dont go back to that bitch she'll destroy you? wow.

 

some great friend. and yet till today, he defends him. he defends her too.

 

i wonder if he defended me when his friends were laffing and calling me a fat bitch etc.

i wonder if he defended me by going back to his friend and asking him why he didnt tell him that i wanted him back.

 

no he wont he said. he wouldn't want to hurt his friend nor ruin the friendship.

 

at the same time, he is happy hurting me, ready to sacrifice this relationship for that.

 

what kind of a friend is that?

 

this is LOOONG and yet short listing...the whole story and truth can never be typed. bits missing here and there as usual as are they in everyones story...sigh.

 

but i understand. yes things are good now..and yet...nothing is resolved...

 

i wish i was his friend....and the other guy his lover....i want to be the trusted number one in his life...not second....does that make me a psycho as i am often labelled? perhaps.

[hyakku]

If my lover tried to make me choose between her and my friend, I would choose my friend.

 

Not because my friend is more important, but because she had the audacity to put me in that situation.

 

That's what your husband is mad about, you never tell someone to choose either one or if you want them to leave, it angers people.

 

Not that your husbands behavior is right, but making someone choose is one of the quickest ways you can lose a bond.

 

To the people that say his best friend is the problem, this guy is out to have a good time and party, her husband wants to go along, this guy's responsiblity is not to tell him to go home and spend quality time with his wife, this is HER husband's conscious choice, his best friend shouldn't be blamed.

 

Your husband needs to learn how to balance his life, though he seems like he still wants to live the bachelors life, you need to sit him down and talk to him. The alcoholism is more of a problem than the pot, but if he is using both and your relationship is deterioriating, get him off both (and this is coming from an avid pot supporter, see my post in TWC), and talk to him while sober.

 

HOWEVER, do not tell him to choose, say you are going to leave if he makes the wrong choice, or that he is making his friend more important. What you need to say is "Baby, I've been feeling neglected lately and so does your daughter, I don't want you to cut off your friends, but I want us to enjoy time together as well." and then do activities you both love. If he likes to smoke pot, maybe you should try it with him, you might actually find something there. If he likes to go dancing at clubs, maybe you should go with him. Sometimes you have gotta find something you both like, and if it doesn't work then look into breaking up.

 

But never tell a man to choose between his best friend and his gal, if you ask this question you are breeding the highest form of resentment you probably can in a man, trust me, I know.

[Teag]

HOWEVER, do not tell him to choose, say you are going to leave if he makes the wrong choice, or that he is making his friend more important. What you need to say is "Baby, I've been feeling neglected lately and so does your daughter, I don't want you to cut off your friends, but I want us to enjoy time together as well." and then do activities you both love. If he likes to smoke pot, maybe you should try it with him, you might actually find something there. If he likes to go dancing at clubs, maybe you should go with him. Sometimes you have gotta find something you both like, and if it doesn't work then look into breaking up.

 

But never tell a man to choose between his best friend and his gal, if you ask this question you are breeding the highest form of resentment you probably can in a man, trust me, I know.

 

thanks for your input however, I have never asked hin=m to choose, we were talking and HE said if you were to ever make me choose, thats how that came up, I have never & would never. I use to smoke pot but I'm now 8 months pregnant with our 2nd baby & can't. its mostly the drinking. Things have been better lately.

 

My husband was in a very bad car accident on mothers day after leaving the bar with his best friend and was following his friend to his house & wrecked. He had to be life flighted the the hosp. & was in ICU for 3 days. He's home recovering now and things have been great between us. the drinking has stopped mainly bc he's got a hemmerage on his brain and he can't drink but I'm hoping he has learned his lesson. But his so called best friend has only seen him twice since the accident that was alittle over a month ago & hasn't so much as to have called him to ask how he's doing. And this is SUPPOSE to be my husbands BEST FRIEND.

 

He's also started hanging back out with a bunch of our old friends who are completely worthless and has started smoking crack again.(yes literally) so now that my H isn't his drinking buddy anymore & can't do anything he's pretty much dropped him. so I dont have to deal with him for the time being and our relationship has been alot better. but thanks everyone, you all have given me alot of good advice.

[norajane]

Your husband spends no time with you or his daughter

He cheated on you

Your husband is an alcoholic and his best friend is also an addict

He and his best friend are partying, and drunk driving

 

 

You and your daughter deserve better. Don't let the last few weeks lull you into a false sense of security. Things have only been better because he's been recovering from the accident and can't party.

 

But, while he's sober and you have his attention, take the time to talk with him about the kind of life you'd like to have with him and your daughter, and the second baby on the way. Talk about how you will afford your seconc child, how you want to save for a house, how your daughter would like to spend more time with him.

 

Ask him what his goals are, how he feels about your future together. If you don't share the same thoughts and goals, then you have to consider whether you will be happy spending the rest of your life with him. Consider what kind of life your children will have if you stay.

 

Whether you stay with him or not, you should at least check out Al-Anon. They are a network of support for families of alcoholics. You need to take care of yourself and your kids. Put yourself first since your husband won't.

[skydvr]

he made the comment that if I ever made him choose between me & his best friend he would pack his bags. First of all I would never do that but that really hurt my feelings. Thats just means his best friend (guy) is more important to him than I am.

 

Wow, sounds just like my wife! I asked her if we could go out together this Saturday night for a Fathers day thing and she told me she already has plans to spend the entire day with her "friend" and go out that nioght with her. I know and dislike her friend because I caught her at a club with a young guy giving her a lap dance! My friend was with me so I called my wife and asked her if she wanted to join us. She declined. So, here's this bitch sitting accross from me with this kid rubbing all over her. I said to my friend, "look, thats why I dont like my wife hanging around this chick." I told my wife what I saw the next day and she confronted her friend. her friend told her that she knew I was there and called her husband to tell him she was going to have this guy rub on her to get my angry. My wife believed her story! WHAT KIND OF STUPID WOMAN WOULD COME UP WITH THIS CRAZY EXCUSE. I cant believe my wife actually believed her story as well. Anyway, they are going out this Saturday so this means that they will be out till 5am and this means that Sunday I will be alone for fathers day because my wife will be asleep tillthe afternoon. Women are just as crule as some men. I wont and will refuse to compete with her "friend". maybe someday my wife will see the true colors come out and the lies this waist of a life, bitch is and what she is trying to do to our marriage. Just because my wife and I were happy she is trying to break us apart. My wife is way too classy for this bimbo and her husband is a weak boy to let her go out so much and flirt with guys. In fact, she has two kids, the yougest was born last October and two weeks after the borth she was calling my wife, on a Sunday, to go out and get her drunk! What a stupid, bimbo, bitch tramp! I keep my mouth shut now. The more I complain the more my wife spends time with her bitch friend. Someday her "friend" will f*** up and only then will my wife see who really loves her. I just hope it's not too late. So, your not the only one dealing with stupid friends that destroy marriage and it's not just guys that do it. Good luck, we are in the same boat!

[Mary3]

Hi. I can relate to different bits of what everyone has said in this.

 

I guess as you can see from my other posts, i had a weight issue in the 2nd year of our relationship - about the time he met his current best friend. he never talked to me about it but ended up spending more and more time at his friends. EVERY weekend for the next WHOLE year i never saw him. he would even party with his friend and his gf and other male and female friends but never take me with him saying "its only men together". that had other fears and insecurities develop in me. but thats another story. focusing on the friend thing. he talked about EVERYTHING in our relationship, even private things i talked to him...he told his friend..which i find a betrayal of my trust.. while he kept his friends faith by never telling me anything about him. i didnt even get to meet the friends!

 

Anyway, he loves his best friend because he agreed with everything he bitched to him about me for. he agreed i was a fat bitch and surely he can do better. this is all without knowing the person i was and am. in fatc once when i went over to pick up my partner (as they were drinking) i was told to get lost infront of all his friends by my partner and that i make his life miserable AND his friend said to him "ask your bitch to go home man we have to go into town now".

 

to this day he defends his friend and not me..and thinks i am mental for brining that up even.

 

i agree there were issues at home - but partnership surely is about talking it out with me....what does it resolve talking it out and making fun of me and hating me more because his friends think i am a fat chick and makes him look uncool.

 

what kind of a friend is that?

 

only recently since i have lost weight, my partner has suddenly taken delight in spending more time with me and making me meet his friends. yay for that! and yet at somee level i am deprssed..i guess i am mental?!

 

in dec 05 my partner abandoned me without a word. i had no one to talk to so i turned to his friend..and said if my partner ever came to him to talk and said regrets having left and made a mistake and wants back..please let him know i love him and am reayd to forgive and give this another chance.

 

i find out later that when my partner had gone to him wanting to be back with me, his friend had strongly said NO...she will destroy you man. dont go back to her. he knew my weight was a MAJOR factor....and when he met me to talk to me re my partner - he SAW i had already lost 15kgs...and SAW i was looking better...i asked my partner..did he tell you at all? and he said Nope he never told me you had lost weight even though he knew it was the main thing + on top told him i would destroy him and he deserves better...

 

what kind of a friend is that?

 

then on my birthday i have his friend and his missus here and we are all having drinks and his wife gets all tiddly and taliks to me...re how my partner tells her partner everything..and sorry she couldnt tell me anything...because she knew it all ... that my partner thinks shes hot because shes slim and envies the friend etc. etc. HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT? but dont worry she says to me, i wont cheat on my man....what is that supposed to mean .. that my man is ready to cheat with her? also that the friend goes and tells his missus everything about my private life that my partner blurts to him in confidence...while i am kept in the dark.

 

and when i tell my partner re this...he is angrey and thinks i am lying...and is concerned re this as he assures me he never said this. and yet he wont confront his friend re any of this.

 

he trusts his friend more than me. what kind of a friend is that?

 

i dont like his friend. i have tried to genuinely forgive and beocme friends but i cant. he has done nothing for me. if at all he betrayed my confidence in him at a time i was down .. and to turn around and tell my partner that dont go back to that bitch she'll destroy you? wow.

 

some great friend. and yet till today, he defends him. he defends her too.

 

i wonder if he defended me when his friends were laffing and calling me a fat bitch etc.

i wonder if he defended me by going back to his friend and asking him why he didnt tell him that i wanted him back.

 

no he wont he said. he wouldn't want to hurt his friend nor ruin the friendship.

 

at the same time, he is happy hurting me, ready to sacrifice this relationship for that.

 

what kind of a friend is that?

 

this is LOOONG and yet short listing...the whole story and truth can never be typed. bits missing here and there as usual as are they in everyones story...sigh.

 

but i understand. yes things are good now..and yet...nothing is resolved...

 

i wish i was his friend....and the other guy his lover....i want to be the trusted number one in his life...not second....does that make me a psycho as i am often labelled? perhaps.

 

 

I would not want to be in a relationship like this .

 

The drugs , the drinking, no thanks.

 

He does not seem to respect you at all.

 

He ignores you.

 

Agrees that you are a Fat Bitch. His friends tell you to get lost and he agrees with that too.

 

He talks about what you both discuss to his friends ( some things are just personal between a man/woman )

 

You have lost weight and now he wants to hang with you. This is such a crock of crap. Find someone who appreciates you for who you are ...

[lonepearl]

no drugs just drinks on friday night when friends hang out

yeah i know what you are saying...i feel like hes back and even though hes changed a LOT since that time, i still feel doubttful - you know? is he back cuz he really cares and repents what he did to me.. or is it cuz i am slim now so its convenient?

[lonepearl]

hi HYAKKU and MARY3..sorry you got it wrong re drugs in my case. i didn't say he was doing drugs! no way! in new zealand (where i am from), its normal to hang out with friends etc. on friday night for social drinks . AND i NEVER asked him to chose between me and him. also not sure wherre the 'pot' scene came from..

 

his friend did... he asked my partner to dump me cuz i made him look uncool and he could do better.. and my partner listened to him...and left me with not a word after 3+ yrs...

 

Its his friend who is always asking him to choose. e.g. if he calls to ask my partner out, and my partner says no i wanna spend this day with my missus.. hes the one who goes.. oh please grow some balls blah blah and have fun with your friends .. dont be bored and stay home with her.

 

trust me i am not one to come between a man and his friend but when the friend is showing hatred towards me without even knowing me and only because i am FAT THEREFORE I AM UNCOOL AND MUST BE A BITCH is not ok with me. i am entitled to feeling the way i want towards him and say i hate him openly. i dont have to ACCEPT all his friends even if they come and call me a bitch to my face on their FIRST meeting with me! esp not when my partner is out with them and has no time for me WITH MY BANK CARD to pay for their drinks and dinner!