Relationship with older man...

[BUTAFLY]

38 is hardly old and I think he is out for a young peice of ass....just because he is not 21 doesn't mean their peins don't think like one.( be careful!)

[Spank'n'Rationality]

Oh good. I already do most of what you have mentioned Curmudgeon (I am the queen of subtlety), with the exception of the striptease ...I'll save that for later .

 

I think it is funny that people keep saying that he isn't "old." I never said he was. I said that he was "older," but that certainly doesn't mean I think he is "old." I am older than a 13 year old, but I am not old.

 

Oh, and to butafly's comment: I have known him for awhile, and--though I could be wrong--I don't think he is the type of person to just want sex. Besides, he is hot, and he has money, so I am sure he could get sex elsewhere if that is what he really wanted.

[longlegzs80]

Well with knowing the mess I was in and dealing with the baggage, it is really not worth it. I don't know you, but from experience I found myself being so concerned about the stuff going on in his life, the baggage etc., and didn't pay any attention to what I had going on in my life. I don't even think he cared about what was or wasn't going on in my life and me being the caring person I am gets caught up in the mess of his life.

 

Would I do it again. Sex reasons yes, but other then that no. IF I were you, I lay low from the situation, your already seeing red flags so to speak with what he has said about his disabled mother etc., so other then that, be friendly, be yourself and let things happen. If you both decide to date then that is fine, but fully warning you to be careful of not getting caught up in the mess of his life and forget about your own. If you decide not to date him then focus on yourself and whats going on in your life, try new things, date lots of men preferably not ones who are 15 years older then you, maybe 27 is a good age or something. I don't know.

 

Definitly keep us posted. And don't do what I did.

 

 

 

 

 

I really appreciate all the replies! I still don't know what I am going to do though. I haven't seen him for a few days; he is away on business until Monday, so I probably won't see him until Tuesday. I just don't know how to go about letting him know that I like him. I guess I will just keep doing what I am doing, and when he is ready to make his move, he will.

 

Oh, and to longlegz comment regarding baggage: he does have quite a lot of that, and that is one thing that worries me. He has been married twice, and has a daughter that he doesn't really associate with. Plus, though he seems really charming to me, he says some things that I find to be questionable; like the other day he went to visit his disabled mother, and he said that he was going to, "Babysit her." I guess I just would not view visiting my disabled mother as "babysitting" her. He doesn't like children; he said he made a really big mistake with the first marriage (the one he had his daughter with; they don't associate at all), and he has been divorced with his second wife for a year now (they were married for seven years). He is a workaholic (which doesn't bother me, but he doesn't have much free personal time). Anyway, the reason he divorced his second wife is because she didn't work, pay attention to him, etc.; she was only with him for his money (so he says; I don't know the woman myself).

 

Anyway, I just don't know; I really like him, and I see potential, but he has become a little jaded about dating I think. Besides, I am not even sure that he likes me. Grrr, I don't know, I guess I will just wait and see where this goes.

[Alexandra]

I agree that I should probably think twice about having a relationship with him' date=' but he is so charming and kind (to me anyway)[/quote']

 

I've been reading this thread for a while and first of all I'd like to say it appears like you've absolutely made up your mind already. As in know you want to go ahead and try this out, you're rather looking for approval and validation and will find it even in the responses that tell you he's a jerk, while you defend him, if I'm right.

 

On to more theoretical matters...

 

First of all I can tell you what some of my clients who got involved with younger ladies thought. While there is a large percentage that yes, were infatuated with their youth and stamina and a fair amount who were just very flattered by the interest, I have met people who have been with women much younger solely because they were who they were as a woman not because of any of the above. So one of the things you can do is ask yourself if he knows you, as a person, if he has enough clues about your personality to be charmed by you, not your age or the potential benefits.

 

Second I'll tell you a bit about my personal experience -which is more or less a first on here;)- all through my romantical life I have dated -bah I hate that term, really- got involved in relationships with men who were older, with one or two exceptions to confirm my rule. The age difference varied but at times it seemed to those around me as extreme. Younger men I never even considered and men of my age were simply not mature enough to hold my interest. So there were many years of "I want a man not a boy, thanks but no thanks" however, I ended up marrying (for the second time, my first brief husband was 45 while I was 23) someone of the exact same age I am. I didn't look for him to be younger or older, when we found each other that consideration took a back seat to others.

 

I've learnt a lot from these relationships and these men, things I don't believe I would have learnt in dating men my age.

 

You're concerned you may be having a "need a daddy" complex, very improbable that you can make a generalisation from one attraction instance for one thing for another, even in women who date older man as a rule, that's not always the case, it's perfectly possible that they are simply looking for diverse attributes that men of younger ages do not have.

 

With all that said and while thinking you've decided to a large extent I don't see why you would hold back as long as you have your eyes wide opened and aren't concerned with a life long committment already.

[mental_traveller]

38 and 21 is not that bad. Plus he'll have more money & experience than guys your age, less likely to screw around, will understand women more. He'll also be v grateful I say go for it.

 

I've dated someone 14 years older than me, she looked much younger, but the age difference didn't cause a problem.

 

Then again, my plan is to wait until 50, then get married to someone half my age, so I'm kind of biased.

[Spank'n'Rationality]

Then again, my plan is to wait until 50, then get married to someone half my age, so I'm kind of biased.

 

Oh, that is great; I just hope he feels the same way you do!

 

Oh, and to Alexandra: I guess you could say I have made up my mind; I mean, if he pursues me, I would go for it. I guess what I should have asked is how to get an older guy who might like me to pursue me further. Hahaha, I mean, I know that most younger guys like women to show skin, etc., but he is a really classy guy, so I don't think he would go for that (though I could be wrong ). Besides, even if he did, I am not sure I want to give the impression that all I want is sex. Anywho, we already talk, we are friendly, but I am not sure how to go about letting him know that I want a relationship without actually saying so. I mean, I guess I could try the whole, "Hey, I am going to *where ever* after work, if you want to join me." I don't know. How did you hook up with your older ex? What did you do to let him know you were interested?

[Curmudgeon]

Probably about the same way you hook up with someone your age. You're pleasant, attentiver, reasonably available and if that doesn't work, remember the striptease!

[Curmudgeon]

I waited until I was 50 (the second time around) and married someone 48, and I'm glad!

[Alexandra]

I can't in all honesty say it took any effort Well mostly the signs when someone's interested are there but it depends on the respective pair in who'll make the first more clear move. I for one have always been of the mind that I don't even email first after an interesting online conversation, much less call a guy after we met in the town and so on. It just didn't seem very lady-like to me. Once he took the plounge though, then you can take the initiative whenever you feel it necessary *evil grin* and if it will become serious, expect a fair amount of conversation on the age gap where he may expect you to lead him, with rational arguments, to how it is fine.

[dgiirl]

Hate to burst your bubble but a man of 38 is still a kid and nowhere near being an "older man!"

 

HAHA i was thinking, 21? She thinks she's an adult? lol I remember being 21. Looking back now, I was faaaaar from an adult.

[blind_otter]

The thing that sucks about older men is the baggage, which initially is fine. You think, I can handle it. 8 months down the road it's a little different.

 

I find it easier to date an older man because I have a lot of baggage myself, from a lot of s*** that has been packed into my quarter of a century, abuse, but mainly addiction and alcoholism -- which ages you, bigtime. So that helps me deal with the excess baggage.

 

But I forget, a lot, that he thinks differently than another 26 year old would. So that causes problems.

[Spank'n'Rationality]

HAHA i was thinking, 21? She thinks she's an adult? lol I remember being 21. Looking back now, I was faaaaar from an adult.

 

I never said I thought I was an adult, but, while on the topic, what one person constitutes as being an "adult" can differ from that of another person. Legally, I am an adult. I realize that with age comes maturity and wisdom, if that is what you constitute as being an "adult" emotionally speaking. However, though I have neither had a family, nor been married, I have done (and been through) quite a lot in my meager 21 years. I know many 40 year olds who act more immature than I do (most of the people of whom I associate with are older, and VERY immature for their age; they all find me to be very mature for my age). I grew up with older people, and I prefer their company to that of people my own age.

[dgiirl]

Spankn, I didnt mean to insult you, I just found the comment really funny. "I'm 21, i'm an adult!" lol I just find it funny how age is relative to one's own age. When i was 21, I thought I was a mature adult ready to conquer the world. I thought anyone over the age of 30 would be OLD, mature and responsible, ie boring. Now I'm 31, and I still feel young (as young as I did at 21), and I reflect back at being 21 and think "I thought I knew it all, and I really didnt". You might be mature for your age (I always was too), but you're still 21 and still have lots of things to experience. No matter how you feel now, you're still going to be a kid compared to your older self, and you're older self wont feel as OLD as you think you'll feel when you're older. Atleast this is what I've experienced so far.

[Spank'n'Rationality]

So, today I start talking with a woman at the store...well, while we're talking she mentions her husband is probably looking for her, then she's like, "Oh, there he is!" And guess who she is refering to. Yeah...he looked at her, looked at me, and I thought he was going to die. Yeah, he has never worn his wedding ring anytime that we have gone out. Not only that, but she lives in a different state, which is why she has never been mentioned, and is never around (she is visiting for the week). After she saw us looking at eachother in an awkward silence, she says, "Oh, do you two know eachother?" Yeah...I felt like I was in a bad lifetime movie. Dear God, I saw him again today at work--he comes in all the time, and he couldn't even talk to me, though he stared at me constantly. I don't blame him...I could kill him! Like he is going to go around acting like he is single, telling me he is divorced, and then finding out he is married! His wife is so nice too! I just kept thinking, "How could he do that to her?" And the worse part about it: I still like him! GRRR! Is it immoral to like a married man? I mean, I know it is immoral to act upon my "feelings" for him, but is it immoral to still like him after I now know that he is married. I can't believe this; feelings are so irrational . I could seriously kill him though. I am just going to try to stay away from him; no more going out for drinks with our mutual friends. How could NONE of them know that he is married? Lord...I'll probably see him again tomorrow...

[BUTAFLY]

THIS IS WHAT THEY DO!!!! GRRR!!! NO GOOD...CONNIVING...CHEATING MEN!!

 

Your feelings are natural. you developed feelings for him before you found out he was married. He talked like and acted as if he were single and avalible, and you responded appropriatley. It's not you.

 

It is him, its all part of the seduction. To get you wrapped up in him to the point where you are confused and can't turn away he wants you as the OW.

 

Whats gonna happen next? I'll tell ya...

1. Your gonna get long stares of sorrow

2. He gonna eventually try to make small talk(to remind you of what a great guy he is).

3. Your gonna be mad at first but his charm is going to draw you back in.

4. Your gonna think, "how can a great guy like this be so crummy?"

5. Then he's gonna start in with putting down his wife.

6. Talk about problems they are having, he may even throw the word divorce around.

 

DON'T FALL FOR IT!!!!!

 

Its all part of the seduction...he's looking for an OW.. and like a predetor he has his eyes set on you.

 

Be lucky you were not like me and found out almost a year later when i was deeply in love. Your in 'like' with him and can still make a clean get a way.

[tallbrunettmom]

I have some advice you can take it or leave it. I am 29. Since 18 I've dated men at the VERY least 10 years older. The older they get and the younger they date they have ISSUES. There is usually a reason they are lookig for much younger...usually because they are immature. I dated someone even as much as 23 years older and he was the biggest ass of them all. I agree age does not matter if its a few years, maybe a decade, but beyond that there are usually issues with one or both parties that attracts them. My husband is ten years older and I'm still mothering him. It's a decision you have to make for yourseld though. Hope I helped.

[tallbrunettmom]

I have some advice you can take it or leave it. I am 29. Since 18 I've dated men at the VERY least 10 years older. The older they get and the younger they date they have ISSUES. There is usually a reason they are lookig for much younger...usually because they are immature. I dated someone even as much as 23 years older and he was the biggest ass of them all. I agree age does not matter if its a few years, maybe a decade, but beyond that there are usually issues with one or both parties that attracts them to eachother. My husband is ten years older and I'm still mothering him. It's a decision you have to make for yoursel though. Hope I helped.

[Tim'sAngel]

O wow. I was just reading along, gathering the comments in my head I was gonna write, then BOOM! You dropped the bomb. So you were just out and about and starting talking to a total stranger and it just happened to be his wife?? How random is that!! Ha, I bet he wanted to find a cave to hide in. I'm not surprised tho.

 

So I'm gonna go ahead and comment on the issue. I can speak about this because I am about to be 22 and my SO just turned 36 (14 yr age difference) I seriously believe age is just a number, but that isn't to say that there arn't pigs out there that just want a piece of younge ass, which I guess is ok as long as that is understood to begin with, which it usually isn't. The biggest obstacle of dealing w/an age gap in a relationship is maturity level. I know that I am still very younge, but I've had alot of growing up to do as opposed to others my age. I got pregnant at 19, had a baby at 20, and had to deal w/alot of other issues I'm not gonna discuss. So for the most part, me and SO are on the same level in alot of areas but not all. We do deal w/issues of maturity levels since there are more than one, and we also discussed those issues before we decided to start a long term relationship and that helped alot. (We knew each other almost a yr before dating) It's always good to know what your getting into before hand. And then there is the baggage thing, which it is a little different for me since I had baggage of my own. He has to deal w/the ex wife and issues between them and the daughter they share. I knew about that too before I entered into it. If you can get past those things then there is no reason for age to be an issue. IT doesn't always work, but then again, it doesn't always work w/people your own age. And as for me, I was always attracted to men much older than me. I think it has to do w/wanting a father figure in a sense. I didn't see my dad as much as I needed to growing up, so I think there was something missing because of it, something I needed to be filled. Also, I am absolutely not attracted to men my age. I can't stand immaturity! I have a child, I can't raise a baby and a husband. And something else to think about is age doesn't necessarily determine maturity. That goes for older men and women as well as younger. I knew some 40 year old men who acted like teenagers.

 

ok... theres my 2 pennies