Anybody never see or hear from an ex again?

[Wicked Wanda]

I was wondering at what point do you really care what happens to the x or really if you should...

 

Ex-husbands: don't really care - particularly the second one who was a control freak and abusive in every sense of the word. Unfortunately everyone we knew found a need to update me...

 

Ex-lovers: there are a few that have been able to re-establish a platonic relationship. And of course, there are the others that I would rather see hanging by their boys...

 

Everyone who comes into our lives, leaves some sort of emotional signature behind. I believe that that signature is what helps us decide how we feel about that person after he or she is gone....

[In Sync]

The last ex...that was a particularly nasty break up. I stayed in touch with him for a couple of months in a kind of denial of how appalling it was - and have only got involved in casual short term dating since him. An ex like that, when you do break away from them, just gets relegated to the "toxic people you're glad to leave in the past and never see again" category.

 

 

Everyone who comes into our lives, leaves some sort of emotional signature behind. I believe that that signature is what helps us decide how we feel about that person after he or she is gone....

 

 

Wow reading both of these quotes have given me ...again...new insights into a persistent nagging and annoying problem I have in regards to trying to understand why I still think about the X.

Even though I've no contact with that "toxic X" mentally I am still in a unresolved relationship because of the "signature" of how it ended.

[Candied-Heart]

X1 - I heard he had a job as a sous chef. Then that he did Security, then that he became a Constable. Hasn't had a successful r'ship since me and has had few 'casual' relationships. I couldn't care less about him. Pure apathy. But I wish him well.

 

X2 - Last I heard from him, he was happily seeing someone, working in sales for a major drug rep. He was nice enough but haven't remained friends because of his [current at the time] GF. I wonder if he's married/living with/broken up with her since I last heard from him, some 2 years ago. I wouldn't want to catch up with him now though..

 

X3 - I feel ill thinking of this "man" and wish to never hear from or see him. I want him to be happy elsewhere so he forgets me. He put me through so much heart ache, cheated and once caught, denied it profusely. The usual classic story. I took him back after a break up... and in a moment of strength and self realisation I decided to end it once more, knowing I could never be with someone who cheated, I was glad I took a second chance, but learnt it wasn't for me. He felt I mislead him as a result, that [because he is so obsessive and jealous] I must be cheating on him. Went into a tirade of rage and threats ensued. Private details about our R'ship/sex life were to be broadcast to my family and colleagues if I didn't take him back. [that's love! ] I struggled with this for a while, scared of the outcome, and then after a lot of bullying/threats from him I snapped and decided I didn't care, he will do it either way so why try to control the inevitable and uncontrollable.. I couldn't live by someone's control.. especially when we weren't a couple anymore!! Euck. :sick:

 

So yeah. Wish and pray it's in my life's path to never hear from any of them again.

[Wicked Wanda]

IS, would it do any good at this point to contact the ex and talk... I don't know the details of your situation but if you feel that you have been wronged, there is no shame in asking for closure. Conversely, if you have any guilt over how the affair ended, it can do no harm to apologize and perhaps let both of you get on with your lives....

[lovernotafighter]

Or even know what happened to them?

 

Just curious.

every ex I ever had came back...one kinda didn't he just came back right away and then I didn't hear from him again..beyond that all have found some way to contact me years down the road...thats life I guess.

[In Sync]

IS, would it do any good at this point to contact the ex and talk... I don't know the details of your situation but if you feel that you have been wronged, there is no shame in asking for closure. Conversely, if you have any guilt over how the affair ended, it can do no harm to apologize and perhaps let both of you get on with your lives....

 

 

I honestly have to say...I don't know if it would bring me closure to contact him. I was dealing with a narcissistic ex who's persona who lacked empathy.

(this was a guy who said to me after 2 years of seeing each other regularly, with whom I was intimate, whom I sometimes confided to, talk or e-mail to each nearly every other day..His last words were "we were never in a relationship." Plus he was unavailable to me when my mom passed away (so I am not feeling guilty but confused as to his mindset and really what kind of person could be so insensitive...to say the least I feel anger) Breaking NC in hopes that he could shed light is a risk I am

unwilling to take. I wouldn't eve know the first thing to say to him..

[Brittanyjean06]

I think It's strange how ex's come back years later down the road sometimes when we are not in love with them any more, It's like It's to show us how we feel towards them when we aren't blind.

 

I hope that happens to me haha

[jerbear]

IS, would it do any good at this point to contact the ex and talk... I don't know the details of your situation but if you feel that you have been wronged, there is no shame in asking for closure. Conversely, if you have any guilt over how the affair ended, it can do no harm to apologize and perhaps let both of you get on with your lives....

 

Right now I am debating contacting my ex to open the door and give her another chance.

 

I stuck with her thru when family members passed away, start of her business, start and finish of her education, start of her business, and when she was ill. Now I'm done a my graduate education; I have am more mature, more aware, and time to pursue other interests, i.e. her; part of me swore off women till I graduate and get a new job, as in my transcript says complete requirements for xyz MS degree.

 

My friends say give up on her AND say it inot truely over with her yet. This is coming from my women friends. Not many guys can do what I do.

[In Sync]

Right now I am debating contacting my ex to open the door and give her another chance.

 

I stuck with her thru when family members passed away, start of her business, start and finish of her education, start of her business, and when she was ill. Now I'm done a my graduate education; I have am more mature, more aware, and time to pursue other interests, i.e. her; part of me swore off women till I graduate and get a new job, as in my transcript says complete requirements for xyz MS degree.

 

My friends say give up on her AND say it inot truely over with her yet. This is coming from my women friends. Not many guys can do what I do.

 

If they have not contacted us already that's telling us they don't give a hoot about getting second chances. I mean even the idea of that breaking contact to give the x a secnd chance is laughable and I'm definitely in the boat of an x who I felt wronged me. But to "give him a second chance" is moot considering he's an adult. If he was interested in making amends he would have contacted me, just like your x is an adult and she could contact you...if she truly wanted to get that second chance. What's stopping them from doing so?

[jerbear]

If they have not contacted us already that's telling us they don't give a hoot about getting second chances. I mean even the idea of that breaking contact to give the x a secnd chance is laughable and I'm definitely in the boat of an x who I felt wronged me. But to "give him a second chance" is moot considering he's an adult. If he was interested in making amends he would have contacted me, just like your x is an adult and she could contact you...if she truly wanted to get that second chance. What's stopping them from doing so?

 

I was the dumper. She would be a good friend in the FAR future. Come to think of it, I'm building a stronger network than she has. That is why I'm debating.

 

My closests friends said shut the door and keep it closed to make it a hard message for her. I just need a final nail in the coffin I guess?

 

I noticed a girl make glances at me a few times, heck we were looking at each other. Guess she might be the final nail in the coffin. someone I would not have considered, asian and younger too. Oh well... I'm leaning NC and would be TRUE NC after the degree & new job.

 

edit: Come to think of it, I should just let it go...

[RecordProducer]

Or even know what happened to them?

 

Just curious.

My first BF got married when I married my first husband. He has a son that he named the same as one of my sons (he knew I loved that name). He is unemployed as usual, his wife is a hair dresser. I know all this cuz I met his parents in the street in the last few years and one of his friends last summer.

 

My ex-husband never re-married or had a relationship after he dumped me. He lives with his daughter and parents. I know all about him becausew we're communicating because of the kids.

 

My last ex-BF has a GF now, I guess, and recently had a car accident, but he is OK. We are not communicating at all, but I read his online blog recently.

 

The others were totally insignificant (and not even BFs) so I don't know what happened with them and I don't really care at all.

[Vertex]

X1: High school, sophomore year. Lasted two weeks... I was too shy and not very physically affectionate in the least. She started cheating on me and visiting a friend all the time instead of me -- later she dumped me. We still talk and we're totally fine with everything... I mean we never got emotionally invested to a huge extent. She's a good friend but I hated her in a relationship.

 

X2: Lasted about 1.5 years. Again I was too shy... I thought I was in love with this girl but I was too shy to make a move -- I kept waiting for a golden window of opportunity or something to let me know it was ok to touch -- never came. This was also a girl who again cheated on me and sought other guys. Then again, she was really mean to me. When I gave her flowers she said they were the wrong shade of red and just got mad. Mainly though, this relationship failed because I wasn't affectionate (too damn shy! I wanted her to let me know when it was ok... I was always nervous. Oh well). We still talk off and on, it's cool.

 

X3: Not really a relationship, sort of a 2-month randomness. Lead me on while she was screwing someone else -- never told me. Said she was sorry (after I spent hundreds on prom) and immediately asked if I still wanted to hang out "after she visited her new boyfriend's house." She was a f***ing idiot. Never spoke to her again after prom.

 

X4: Lasted 1.5 years. My last relationship... my biggest one so far too. I was able to break out of my shyness mold and I went all-out physical. It helped a lot... things were great between us for about a year. Then she changed suddenly... when we broke up it's like she suddenly became a different person. The person I have good memories of... the one I loved, is no longer there. I don't know who she is now, but we have not spoken since our breakup fight. I doubt we'll ever speak again. It pains me so much because we had so much together to just throw it away like that.

[Wicked Wanda]

JB, go for it... You don't have to start a full-fledged affair with the girl... everyone needs friends and this is as good an opportunity you're going to get... you already know there's interest.... talk to her.... decide later....

[sick of it]

If they have not contacted us already that's telling us they don't give a hoot about getting second chances.

 

sometimes they do contact, but its not for a second chance. theyve moved on, but you havent. theyre ready for a friendship, but youre not. so you instill NC, and what happens? you lose out ona friend? you prevent heartache, you shut someone who obviously cares about you out of your life?

[In Sync]

sometimes they do contact, but its not for a second chance. theyve moved on, but you havent. theyre ready for a friendship, but youre not. so you instill NC, and what happens? you lose out ona friend? you prevent heartache, you shut someone who obviously cares about you out of your life?

 

 

 

Hmm, I'm not quite sure what you are getting at. Could be I'm not reading this with clarity. My contention, what is stopping the one who (was the dumper from contacting those they dumped) They are not on this website knowing what each of are debating and mulling over. Yes they have moved on..but what would I gain by making contact. If one is hurt from the breakup and not recovered or dealing with the multitude of emotions that come with healing sadness, acceptance, anger...the list is varied...then how is contacting them helpful. It's an individual choice. Maybe five years from now it would not be a problem to see or talk to him. But if I am still going through conflicting emotions I see it as seeking validation from the x. Is see myself as too vulnerable in this stage to expose myself to whatever or however the x may now feel about me. They've made their choice in ending the relationship it's now up to me to resolve my feelings about it..

You say that person obviously cares about you...If my x contacted me to tell me this that is one thing and that is a starting point to mend fences.. but for me to break NC in hopes that this is the case is dependency.

[sick of it]

ive been contacted many times by my ex to be friends (most recently over a month ago). its almost a year later and i want to talk to her...but im still not over her. im still angry, im still in love. i cant be friends with her. because i know i cant be a true friend...i cant hear about a big aspect of her life.

this sucks because #1, i was that big aspect for 5.5 yrs, and #2, she used to tell me everything, we were so comfortable talking about everything...i was privy to information that no one else was. i wont have that anymore.

because shes contacted me, i know she cares, shes told me. but i dont know how to mend fences without coming across as a whimpy hurt angry person. i dont know how to fix the fence....she wont stop seeing this person, nor do i expect her to. but i dont know what will make me feel better.

[skeptik224]

Every ex I have been with has contacted me at one point or another. They've all initiated re-establishing a friendship with me further down the line when my heart (and theirs) has healed. My most recent ex will undoubtedly do the same... Although the break-ups have managed to knock me on my ass and kill my self-esteem, it seems that once my self-esteem is totally rebuilt, they start to come around again. They've all said that they couldn't see life without me in it...I guess I really do make an impression at times.

[In Sync]

ive been contacted many times by my ex to be friends (most recently over a month ago). its almost a year later and i want to talk to her...but im still not over her. im still angry, im still in love. i cant be friends with her. because i know i cant be a true friend...i cant hear about a big aspect of her life.

this sucks because #1, i was that big aspect for 5.5 yrs, and #2, she used to tell me everything, we were so comfortable talking about everything...i was privy to information that no one else was. i wont have that anymore.

because shes contacted me, i know she cares, shes told me. but i dont know how to mend fences without coming across as a whimpy hurt angry person. i dont know how to fix the fence....she wont stop seeing this person, nor do i expect her to. but i dont know what will make me feel better.

 

It's lovely to know that your ex contacts you becuz she cares, but as you are so effected by remaining in contact I wonder from what you've written how better off it is you for you. Again each individual can see this with a different P.O.V. (point of view) If you are reminded that what you had is no longer possible when you hear from her why do you nurture the contact? Perhaps it is your way of coping, for me I know it would be just that a reminder of the past and then I'd be stuck still. Maybe the questions the mulling over is what we are suppose to go through after a break.. sort of recharging our batteries..and yes its frustrating not ever seeing the X because curiosity can be an aide or hinderance to us. But it's not unnatural to wonder.

Of course if one continues to see the ex communicate with by choice I say instead of letting this become more source of pain make the new choice of being determined to mend fences..otherwise what is the point?

[PuppyDogEyes]

X1: Unknown. Packed his bags and walked out on me on our 2 year anniversary. Supposedly went home to West Virginia. I haven't seen him since that day.

 

X2: Split because of "Internet cheating". Later called me begging for a plane ticket to come home. Laughed in his face, of course. Last I heard, he was living in a nearby county, married happily, with a baby daughter.

 

X3: My XH. Split partially because of "Internet cheating", but later found out that he was homosexual anyway (the 'net cheating was with another man). Now currently in Atlanta with a female roommate and more or less happy with his life.

 

X4: Was a brief fling at 18, turned into a major relationship 12 years later. The most painful of the bunch. Split because of living conditions, unemployment, depression, a myriad of other social problems that just weren't either of our faults. He's still in the same place (several states away) but I have no idea what he's doing now. This one still hurts badly, so I'm still practicing NC. (Probably always will.)

 

No animosity toward any of them now. X4 still hurts very much ...but other than him, I feel nothing but a sense of relief that I'm no longer with them.

 

Currently involved in a relationship and have never been happier.