RealityCheck Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Oh no! this thread almost went off the page!! Have to bring it back up again!! And I am happy to say I got up early and finally went walking. I'm trying to get back into the habit and shed these pounds I've gained over the winter. I have to admit, it felt great, even if I didn't have my music with me. I gotta get a new cd player or at least get my son to put MY music on his Ipod! Good for you MO!!!! I gotta say, any form of exercise feels so damn good! I know it is hard some days to get motivated, but once you "just do it" there is so much self satisfaction! I not only do it to stay fit, I love how it releases so much pent up frustration and/or negative energy! It completely does wonders for the mind as well as the body! My kids know not to bother me 1 hour a day. It is my time! I turn my favorite tunes on and totally get engrossed in the moment!! You go girl!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walking away Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 Okay.... Hate to be a downer...but I am having a really tough time. The one month of NC with my xMM is over and I received an e-mail from him this morning....We are unequivocably done. And that is okay.... But wounds have been reopened. I told him that it was not wise to ever contact me again and I feel good about that decision... But, here's the thing... Men have been flocking to me...and they are ALL unavailable. All of them. Either they are players or in committed relationships. And they all want to be with me. I am vulnerable, skiddish, and fragile. And I hate this. The damage that has been incurred on me as a result of the affair has been devastating to me. I feel strong, but a man forces his way into my life and I don't trust....and I have good reason not to. These men are just like my MM. I have had it. And, yes, I am on a self imposed sabbatical from men. Indefinitely. NO ONE will be given the opportunity to spend time with me now. Not for a long time. I need this. More than I ever thought I would. Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Okay.... Hate to be a downer...but I am having a really tough time. The one month of NC with my xMM is over and I received an e-mail from him this morning....We are unequivocably done. And that is okay.... But wounds have been reopened. I told him that it was not wise to ever contact me again and I feel good about that decision... But, here's the thing... Men have been flocking to me...and they are ALL unavailable. All of them. Either they are players or in committed relationships. And they all want to be with me. I am vulnerable, skiddish, and fragile. And I hate this. The damage that has been incurred on me as a result of the affair has been devastating to me. I feel strong, but a man forces his way into my life and I don't trust....and I have good reason not to. These men are just like my MM. I have had it. And, yes, I am on a self imposed sabbatical from men. Indefinitely. NO ONE will be given the opportunity to spend time with me now. Not for a long time. I need this. More than I ever thought I would. You do whatever you need in order to move on. You've already been so stong! Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Okay.... Hate to be a downer...but I am having a really tough time. The one month of NC with my xMM is over and I received an e-mail from him this morning....We are unequivocably done. And that is okay.... But wounds have been reopened. I told him that it was not wise to ever contact me again and I feel good about that decision... But, here's the thing... Men have been flocking to me...and they are ALL unavailable. All of them. Either they are players or in committed relationships. And they all want to be with me. I am vulnerable, skiddish, and fragile. And I hate this. The damage that has been incurred on me as a result of the affair has been devastating to me. I feel strong, but a man forces his way into my life and I don't trust....and I have good reason not to. These men are just like my MM. I have had it. And, yes, I am on a self imposed sabbatical from men. Indefinitely. NO ONE will be given the opportunity to spend time with me now. Not for a long time. I need this. More than I ever thought I would. WA.... Hmmm...my exMM emailed me the same response you got!! Received it yesterday actually. I know I will miss him, but it will pass. Give your time to heal, but keep your heart and mind open. Nothing is saying you have to form any type of relationship yet, "just remain open". I feel vulnerable as well, but for me, I believe its more "ego" related. Between my exH and my exMM, I am far from wanting or needing a relationship of any sort. So I continue to move forward. If I am hit by that "lightening bolt" I'll know and I will also know that I am ready. I was a little crushed reading my exMM email, but I knew it was only a matter of time. *Big Hug* Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 WA.... Hmmm...my exMM emailed me the same response you got!! Received it yesterday actually. I know I will miss him, but it will pass. Give your time to heal, but keep your heart and mind open. Nothing is saying you have to form any type of relationship yet, "just remain open". I feel vulnerable as well, but for me, I believe its more "ego" related. Between my exH and my exMM, I am far from wanting or needing a relationship of any sort. So I continue to move forward. If I am hit by that "lightening bolt" I'll know and I will also know that I am ready. I was a little crushed reading my exMM email, but I knew it was only a matter of time. *Big Hug* aaaaaaaawww!!! I think we need a group hug!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walking away Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 A group hug would be wonderful! I could sure use one about now.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walking away Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 WA.... Hmmm...my exMM emailed me the same response you got!! Received it yesterday actually. I know I will miss him, but it will pass. Give your time to heal, but keep your heart and mind open. Nothing is saying you have to form any type of relationship yet, "just remain open". I feel vulnerable as well, but for me, I believe its more "ego" related. Between my exH and my exMM, I am far from wanting or needing a relationship of any sort. So I continue to move forward. If I am hit by that "lightening bolt" I'll know and I will also know that I am ready. I was a little crushed reading my exMM email, but I knew it was only a matter of time. *Big Hug* I find that my ego has taken a turn down also. Which is weird for me. I have always thought that I am a pretty fantastic person...and I still believe that I am. I just find that I don't understand people. Why is it so difficult to have integrity? I held out no hope with the xMM and I closed the door on him completely today. He, I believe, wanted to keep the door open a little..but I am not interested. I allowed him to damage the deepest parts of me and he will not be allowed to inflict further damage. I am concerned. I am very attractive, accomplished, positive and strong...but I seem to be attracting men like me in that aspect...but they have little character. I am perplexed. I find myself in unchartered territory...and I don't like it. Not one bit. Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 I find that my ego has taken a turn down also. Which is weird for me. I have always thought that I am a pretty fantastic person...and I still believe that I am. I just find that I don't understand people. Why is it so difficult to have integrity? I held out no hope with the xMM and I closed the door on him completely today. He, I believe, wanted to keep the door open a little..but I am not interested. I allowed him to damage the deepest parts of me and he will not be allowed to inflict further damage. I am concerned. I am very attractive, accomplished, positive and strong...but I seem to be attracting men like me in that aspect...but they have little character. I am perplexed. I find myself in unchartered territory...and I don't like it. Not one bit. WA... For the most part, I am not driven by my "ego", but when I get hurt "ego" does play some kind of a role. Being aware, allows it to pass through acceptance. *sigh* I too possess many qualities as you, but that does not mean I am without life's bulls***. I would like to think I can sail through life without the crap, but that is an unrealistic view. Being in my early 40's makes me more susceptiable to meeting Men who either have never been married, married or divorced and are ALL re-evalutating thier lives which of course is the cross road for myself. I just have to figure out what I want. Honestly, I still would want that "casual" thing, fling, WOW! So if it comes my way and there happens to be chemistry, I'm there! Don't be hard on yourself through this situation, know all of who you and remain confident and vivacious. Don't let a MM ever change who you are! It was only an experience. Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 I find that my ego has taken a turn down also. Which is weird for me. I have always thought that I am a pretty fantastic person...and I still believe that I am. I just find that I don't understand people. Why is it so difficult to have integrity? I held out no hope with the xMM and I closed the door on him completely today. He, I believe, wanted to keep the door open a little..but I am not interested. I allowed him to damage the deepest parts of me and he will not be allowed to inflict further damage. I am concerned. I am very attractive, accomplished, positive and strong...but I seem to be attracting men like me in that aspect...but they have little character. I am perplexed. I find myself in unchartered territory...and I don't like it. Not one bit. My heart goes out to you WA. I think that when you least expect, the right man will come along. Take the sabbatical and use it as a cleansing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walking away Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 I have encountered many stumbling blocks in my life journeys....and I have encountered many in the past few weeks. I trust that my inner strength will shine through and provide me with peace during this difficult time in my life. I have survived many obstacles in my life and come out on the other end victorious. I have no reason to believe that this season in my life will be any different... Thank you for the kind words... They mean more to me than you will ever know... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walking away Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 I have encountered many stumbling blocks in my life's journey....and I have encountered many in the past few weeks. I trust that my inner strength will shine through and provide me with peace during this difficult time in my life. I have survived many obstacles in my life and come out on the other end victorious. I have no reason to believe that this season in my life will be any different... Thank you for the kind words... They mean more to me than you will ever know... Link to post Share on other sites
eyeswideshut Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 WA, and RC. Now, I'm positively depressed. I feel my turn will probably come too. They actually send the "it's over" email after a month of NC? What do they say in this email. and what is the reason? Maybe you don't even want to go there, but please enlighten us "early NCers" in what can happen at the end of the NC rainbow! That is so sad. So sad. I hate it, and I don't understand. I mean all this pain, all this work, all this waiting, all this.... for nothing? WTF?? I wonder if the MM is even aware of the pain he inflicts! What kind of email do you get, a: sorry, i love you but....!!? I want to get back with the wife I can't stand? OMG. My heart goes out to you, and please tell us what you are doing to go on. Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 WA, and RC. Now, I'm positively depressed. I feel my turn will probably come too. They actually send the "it's over" email after a month of NC? What do they say in this email. and what is the reason? Maybe you don't even want to go there, but please enlighten us "early NCers" in what can happen at the end of the NC rainbow! That is so sad. So sad. I hate it, and I don't understand. I mean all this pain, all this work, all this waiting, all this.... for nothing? WTF?? I wonder if the MM is even aware of the pain he inflicts! What kind of email do you get, a: sorry, i love you but....!!? I want to get back with the wife I can't stand? OMG. My heart goes out to you, and please tell us what you are doing to go on. mine just said, "i loved u and will love u for who u are the rest of my life. I feel very bad about what I did and hope that one day u can forgive me." I seriously doubt that he understands the amount of pain it invokes to read those words. Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 mine just said, "i loved u and will love u for who u are the rest of my life. I feel very bad about what I did and hope that one day u can forgive me." I seriously doubt that he understands the amount of pain it invokes to read those words. Sorry, but I'm too angry about these men that I don't give a rat's a$$ how they feel! Its just words! Just words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walking away Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 We instituted one month of NC on my request....for clarity. First thing this morning I woke up to an e-mail from him. He thinks of me everyday....misses me....wonders....but is staying with her. Tells me we had a beautiful love...one that he will always remember and cherish.... I sent him an e-mail telling him that it was not wise to contact me ever again....and that I was closing this chapter in my life for good. It was peaceful and respectful....I am sure he is hurting, too....but it is his choice. He tried to keep the door open, but I shut it. It is the healthy thing to do. He will have none of me.....Not friendship, not anything.... So, now that it is all said and done....I nailed the coffin closed. Will I hear from him ever again? I have no idea. But, I am reeling from so many crises in my life right now...this came at a very inopportune time. So, I feel weakened today... But, I will get my footing back soon....I must. I am okay. Please pray for me, however....It was very difficult closing the door forever. But I had to do what was best for everyone involved....including myself. And I have peace. Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 And you will continue to have peace. This needed to be done. It will get better. Take my word for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walking away Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 Movinon, I believe you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 WA, is anything working for you besides this forum yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walking away Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 I am not sure what you mean.... Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 I am not sure what you mean.... internet communication Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walking away Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 I think so...You can try now... Link to post Share on other sites
eyeswideshut Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 WA, I just went back and read some of your threads from March. Back then, his wife had found out, and she had contacted you. But he kept writing to you over and over and over even when you were trying to keep at the NC. Did he work things out with her? Do they have an OK marriage? When he lied about her in the beginning, was he telling you he'd leave her one day? When you first met, and found out about her, was he already separated, or at least considering it? I just think this whole story is horrendous. If he loved you, why did he keep pulling you in if there was nothing in it for you? What a F***face!! Was he a nice person? Was the sex good? Were you in love? Did it feel like a soulmate situation?? My spiritual healer says we always attract the energy we are putting out. Were you at a confused point in your life when he came into it? GOD. I will definitely be praying for you... Do you still have an inkling of hope? How are you going to move on??? Link to post Share on other sites
movinon05 Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 I think so...You can try now... I have been trying! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walking away Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 WA, I just went back and read some of your threads from March. Back then, his wife had found out, and she had contacted you. But he kept writing to you over and over and over even when you were trying to keep at the NC. Yes, this is true, but I was weak at times, too, with the NC. Did he work things out with her? Do they have an OK marriage? He is an elder in his church and biblically, it is the right thing for him to do. No, the marriage is dysfunctional, but I cannot tell you if it is good. I know that he felt that I was meant for him...not her.When he lied about her in the beginning, was he telling you he'd leave her one day? Yes, he told me he would leave, but not for years....He was looking for a way out but couldn't find any biblical reason to do so.When you first met, and found out about her, was he already separated, or at least considering it?No, he was very much living with her... I just think this whole story is horrendous. If he loved you, why did he keep pulling you in if there was nothing in it for you?I think he had a hard time letting me go, also. What a F***face!! Was he a nice person?Incredibly good to me and my kids. Treated me with utter respect and adoration Was the sex good? Absolutely fantastic. Truly the first time in my life that I truly MADE LOVE with a man.Were you in love? Did it feel like a soulmate situation??Absolutely. For both of us. My spiritual healer says we always attract the energy we are putting out. Were you at a confused point in your life when he came into it?God no! I was so happy in my life...I felt like I had the world on a string. He told me I was absolutely radiant when he first saw me and couldn't let me out of his life. GOD. I will definitely be praying for you... Do you still have an inkling of hope?Not a bit... How are you going to move on???Gonna do exactly what I have been doing...minus the men. I don't have the stomach for it any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Walking away Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 The fact that I was so happy before he met me is what is the hardest thing to overcome.... I wish that he had just left me alone all those months ago. I was doing so well in my life... These past 9 months have been emotionally and physically draining on me. I often wonder why he pursued me so vehemently knowing that we would eventually end...and knowing that he couldn't possibly leave... It is a mystery that I will never understand or know. If I could erase this part of my life, I would. It has been the single most damaging event in my life...both physically and psychologically. Yet, I am still standing and here to live another day. That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
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