What are you doing to go on?

[movinon05]

Aww! Thanks WA! You're quite the thing yourself.

 

BTW... I just heard an update on Keith's wedding today. Keith,,,,,,, my heart is sad (but happy for you). I know!! I'm obsessed!! LOL!!

 

Oh, now I'm reading its Sunday. Whenever that is in Australia, I don't know. lol!

[RealityCheck]

I have seen pictures of Movinon...

 

Trust me ladies, this one is a beauty!

 

I've seen the pics of many of the ladies here and they ALL are quite exquisite looking babes!!!

[Walking away]

I agree, RC.

 

Haven't seen one of you yet, though. PM me with your e-mail address and I will send you a picture of me.

 

Hugs

WA

[OzGirl]

I just logged in to have a squiz at what's happening in these threads and was hoping to feel completely disconnected from all of it. You know, just wanted to see if that would be my reaction. Then, I see this thread still going strong, and thought WOW... may as well jot something down...

 

But what to write? Just wanna say hi and confirm that, yes, alas, I have no feelings left in me for this subject (of MM), but I DO have a massive amount of curiousity and genuine care for those going through the anxiety of it all, and just hope, more often than I sign into LS, that you're all coping okay, staying strong, and looking behind you to see all the baby steps start to really make an impact at some point, and the motivation to keep making them grows deeper.

 

And, I can't hold back - I've met someone. It's so early days right now, but he's tall, dark and handsome, and the real bonus is he's genuine and he's also travelled through relationship problems of his own, so we have this common ground, but it's not enough to be the only thing that keeps us interested (it would be shortlived, I'm sure, if a painful past was all we had to talk about). But, it explains why we were both single, I guess.

 

Anyway, my story is probably not that relevent here. But, what I want to say is, the feelings I have for this man... boy are they different to the feelings I had for the MM when I first met him. I can honestly say when I met the MM it was a 'rush'. Infatuation would be a word maybe to describe it. But, that was a feeling I'd never felt before. Identifying it as that, and thinking negatively of it at all, is not something one is equipped with being able to easily do when it feels so good that whether it's "right" or "good enough" matters.

 

The new kid on the block, well... no. It's not infatuation. It's not giddy. It's a little smitten, but it's slow. And thorough. And romantic. And the ride is not like a roller coaster. There's no adrenalin (except the first 30 seconds when I see his gorgeous face.. ha ha), and it's not all-consuming.

 

It feels sensible... realistic... mutual.... and I have to say, I feel like this is how (for me personally) an investment in the long term is supposed to start. There IS plenty of time and opportunity to get to know each other. There IS curiosity which seems deeper and broader than when I was with the MM.

 

I don't feel swept off my feet into oblivion. I feel like I'm still standing on my feet completely able to let this relationship take me where it will go with eyes wide open and an obtainable horizon.

 

I know I sound a bit philosophical... just trying to say it in a way where I'm hoping you know what I mean. And, I'm only mentioning it because I really do want you ALL to have hope that if the MM situation isn't good enough and you know it... the sooner you get out, the sooner you'll have opportunities to be 'available' to someone else, and the longer amount of time you'll have when you find that someone else.

 

He cooked me dinner last night. He'd vacuumed, tidied up, shopped, the place was immaculate. No sign of a female in sight! It was almost uncomfortable... Just not used to it happening. I didn't show him... I was just in my mind saying how I'd missed out on this for 3 years. I'd given up so much just to (and, yeah, I think I'm being brutally honest and realistic about the MM situation now) have someone flatter me and make me feel accepted.

 

The irony being, that he might have made me feel that way, but in hindsight, he was justifying my own opinion of myself (that I should take what I can get, because I'm not worthy of better, or I'm not going to find any better). The MM thought my body was great.... looking back... why wouldn't he? He had access to it on tap with no other strings attached (despite the promises, he didn't have have kids with me, pay a mortgage with me, be nagged by me, etc).

 

This new guy... he thinks I'm hot (ha ha ha) but what's good is I actually believe he thinks that. After all, he COULD have anyone... unlike the MM who could only have the unlikely event that he can find a woman to give him only what he needs and no more and no less.

 

I'm no thin little thang. The MM let me think he thought I was attractive. Now I realise it's because I thought that I was unattractive and unworthy of a good man I let him make me believe it.

 

I always thought it was something "special" about me that I was the lucky one to be with this MM. What was special, was that I was the only one to say yes where (in his eyes) most women should say no because it's merely crumbs (as described by many people in this forum). No wonder he didn't want to be with me. I was a fool, and he knew it, and no wonder he was so nice to me... you just don't get to strike gold and meet fools like me every day I guess.

 

Ladies (and gents)... I'm not being critical of where you are at. I'm not suggesting I'm anywhere better either. What I am suggesting is that you'll never know if there's REAL love out there from a man who is absolutely 100% committed to you and wants to make you happy and will go out of his way to do so and be one-eyed about it, without hesitation or be coerced into it.... if YOU don't stick with this fight and fight it to the death (the fight to go NC, the fight to leave him and this chapter behind).

 

The fight for me was against myself. To break my own long-formed and deeply felt beliefs about myself was the hardest thing... absolutely 100% that's the fight I've had.

 

It's not the whole "you deserve better" as many people with loving intentions will tell you.... It's easy to say you want 'better'... but to actively seek it without thinking for a second there's any reason why you won't find it... that's the hard part. I had a long list of reasons why I wouldn't find it.

 

September last year was when I last saw him. I cannot thank him enough for staying with his wife. God knows how I would feel now about myself if he'd have wanted to stay with me. I'd have been denied this opportunity to think I have the ability and right to want more, and find the strength to go seek it.

 

The new guy... OMG... he's hot. So F*cking Hot. Not because he's a pin up boy. Because, when I know he tells me "I'm glad I met you"... it means a million more truths than the insincere "I love you's" I got from the MM. Already, it's 100 times better, and it's less than 2 weeks old.

 

Sounds ridiculous? Probably. But for me... it's no where near as ridiculous as three years I gave up to an complete liar who just knew how to spew out the flattering lines, and look me in the eye at the same time, and my naivitiy to believe it because I wanted to. It's not a good enough reason.

 

If someone says they love you, believe it because it's likely to be true, not because it's easier than accepting it's probably not.

 

All the best.... I'm still reading... just can't contribute sympathetically anymore. My care is for you all... absence is the best way to show that for me now.

 

Ozzy.

[Pink Amulet]

Aww! Thanks WA! You're quite the thing yourself.

 

BTW... I just heard an update on Keith's wedding today. Keith,,,,,,, my heart is sad (but happy for you). I know!! I'm obsessed!! LOL!!

 

Oh, now I'm reading its Sunday. Whenever that is in Australia, I don't know. lol!

 

It's 6:23 pm Sunday here now. They said their vows 23 minutes ago, according to tradition.

[OzGirl]

Wedding pics just posted online:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_pictures/5114206.stm

[movinon05]

Hey Ozgirl!!

 

Before I go look at those wedding pictures , I just wanted to say your post is very relevant and I'm so glad you came back to say all of that. Its what I was thinking before I let myself slip a bit, but you totally reinforced my views on moving on and finding someone to treat you well.

 

Thanks so much for stopping by. I'll look forward to you coming back even if only now and again, to keep us posted. You are very insightful and its great reading all you had to say.

 

Now .... onto the pictures. Do I really want to see these???????

[RealityCheck]

Hey Ozgirl!!

 

Before I go look at those wedding pictures , I just wanted to say your post is very relevant and I'm so glad you came back to say all of that. Its what I was thinking before I let myself slip a bit, but you totally reinforced my views on moving on and finding someone to treat you well.

 

Thanks so much for stopping by. I'll look forward to you coming back even if only now and again, to keep us posted. You are very insightful and its great reading all you had to say.

 

Now .... onto the pictures. Do I really want to see these???????

 

Grrrrrrr.......Reports seem to be all about Nicole! Where's our Kieth!!!

[movinon05]

I know!! And I just saw a report on MSN (tv) which was mostly all about Nicole. They're supposed to appear for pictures tonight with the media or something!

[RealityCheck]

I know!! And I just saw a report on MSN (tv) which was mostly all about Nicole. They're supposed to appear for pictures tonight with the media or something!

 

MO....

 

Can you pass the kleenex box please:(

 

I don't have a square to spare......

 

Why Keith! Why!........lol

[lovernotafighter]

I wish I had something to go today...hmm I'll have to give it some thought,sleep sounds great!

[RealityCheck]

I wish I had something to go today...hmm I'll have to give it some thought,sleep sounds great!

 

Boy! That's sounds good to me too! *yawn*

[Sami_D]

Oddly enough, I like Nicole. And I have no idea who this Keith person might be. Where have I been..? LOL.

[movinon05]

Oddly enough, I like Nicole. And I have no idea who this Keith person might be. Where have I been..? LOL.

 

OMIGOD!!! I like Nicole too. But He's the hottest thing on wheels!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a fabulous songwriter/musician/singer.

 

What happened with the footie, Sami? I saw England scored one and don't know the outcome?

[movinon05]

Sami, you're missing my question!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sami_D]

LOL sorry... I was very busy enlightening the world on another thread.

 

Yeah England won against Ecuador, which means we're in the quarter finals now, against either Portugal or Holland (who are playing as I type).

 

La la la la la COME ON ENGLAND

[Jessie61]

Well since I am here now I'm just going to add... I'm on week 9 of NC, doing OK, still loving him and England are still in the World Cup.

 

Want to say HELLOOOO to all you regulars out there, and especially to Jessie because I know this is a special month. I'll pop in now and then but I'm not reading or responding to most stuff because I am determined to stick to NC and to MY HOPE... and nothing is going to break me down

 

Best wishes to you all... ~ Sami xx

 

Sami,

 

Thanks for thinking of me. Just posted a litte thing for you on another thread. Hadn't got to this one... Yes, this is a special month for me in more ways than one. You will be able to see at least one of them live on the telly from Germany!

[Jessie61]

Oddly enough, I like Nicole. And I have no idea who this Keith person might be. Where have I been..? LOL.

 

I like Nicole too, but oddly enough I never warmed to her until she was dumped by that eejit Tom Cruise!!!!

[Sami_D]

Just wanted to say a 'kind of' good luck to Jessie for this evening... ONLY 'kind of' because I have money on Spain lol...

 

Hope everyone is fine today!

[OzGirl]

Hi all... well, here I am, after making sweeping statements not to come here... I really miss you guys! Seriously! Feel like you're all my friends, and to be quite honest, like little invisible angels who flapped their wings and carried me out of a mess (MMM = Married Man Mess!).

 

So, I'm going to come in and stay in touch, if it's okay that I can (without gushing TOO much) keep you updated on this new guy I've met? It's not so much to just bask in what feels like a great relationship amongst some who are trying to cope with a bad one, but hopefully, to help anyone who's looking for reason to leave the MM behind, or (in my opinion, more importantly) continue to question themselves and seek the core of the truth as to why they're in a situation that doesn't make them feel happy in general (MM), but makes them feel happy when the MM is around.

 

I don't have a changed opinion on the MM situation for anyone here. I am nothing but sympathetic to the pain it might cause, and can absolutely relate to the feelings of elation a relationship like this brings. I'm not about to get all evangelistic and preach that anyone ought to change.

 

But, I'll tell you something, and I ONLY realised this yesterday (after my lunch with NM. (I've just coined this for me..lol... NM = New Man)

 

Like a penny dropped. This is the first time I've not given someone an excuse to like me (in my own mind).

 

The father of my daughter - I could accept he'd want to be with me because I was the one with a consistant income, kept the house, all that sort of thing. It was logistical I suppose. But, in my mind, I could accept that for these reasons he was with me.

 

The MM. He was 13 years my senior. I could accept that when he told me I was gorgeous and beautiful etc, that he meant that because from someone of his age, of course I was... I was the spring chicken. So, I thought (not conciously at the time) yes... he really does think these things. There's a valid reason for him to think them.

 

So, now NM. He's younger than me, he's good looking and has every reason to be interested in some young blonde hot young thang. It took me until yesterday to think - actually... maybe he just likes me for who I am. Maybe he likes my personality traits and, god forbid, is physically attracted to me anyway. Maybe, I don't need to give him an excuse in my own mind to accept that he would, and maybe I should just let him like me and assume he has good reason to.

 

I'm just sharing this because my own experiences in the last (almost) year, has been that I got out of the MM situation... and the only way I did was to question myself. Not the MM. Not anything else. The grief for losing a relationship was real, but unlike the death of a person where they are gone and you grieve and you get over it, this has had a residual consequence, being that there's still something that remains in that relationship - the other half that didn't "die". Me. What to do with that person right there....

 

I hope you can relate to this, and I hope you can see that there's nothing to lose by asking yourself questions about you and innately who you are and your beliefs about yourself - in relation to your relationships with the MM.

 

I used to think the MM made me feel soooooo good about myself. And, he did. But, I had a reason in my head that was self-deprecating, justifying maybe my low self opinion, and saying yes, he fits because he justifies the existance of these things I feel negatively towards myself.

 

And, just for the record and to be specific, it was physical appearance. I won't bore you with the history of where this comes from, but I could believe the MM liked my body because it was so much younger than anyone his age (how snobby and ridiculous of me, looking back, to think this anyway). Over all, I had a comparable "youth" on my side, so therefore, I could believe him.

 

Okay, nothing said by me seems to be short ...lol. Without sounding corny, I can summarise by saying, right now.... I feel free. I feel released of my own persecuting opinion of myself (in theory) and am now re-learning how to accept someone's attention without it. It's frikkin scary, let me assure you! But, for all the crap of the last stage of my life... I'm equipped to cope. It didn't kill me, it made me stronger.

 

Life's exciting and new and shiney again. And, I NEVER ever thought I'd mutter these words... but this feels better than when I met the MM. It's unbounded... and finally, within myself... so am I.

[movinon05]

Oh yes, Oz!! Please gush!! We love gushing! How much gushing do you really think goes on in here?? We need gushing. I was gushing in this thread a few weeks ago, but it didn't pan out, so I'm staying reserved for awhile.

 

Your posts are always insightful and are missed, so I'm glad you're back. And you're giving me more things to think about. I'm on your path, but still a few steps behind, so I need to follow your lead!!! lol!!

 

Yours is a success story all its own.!

[OzGirl]

Thanks... he he... oh boy, I could gush right now... The most unnexpected part of NM is that I seem to have met him relatively sooner than I thought I would. BUT, I did resolve to being okay with the idea of being single for a long time yet prior to meeting him. Maybe that's why I did... I really was ripe for the picking?

 

In theory, what I've written, could apply to someone who believe a MM relationship is what makes them feel that 'unbounded' feeling about themselves. BUT, I don't REALLY believe that.

 

Based purely on my own experience (which includes, of course, the consideration of all that I've read in LS), I think a MM relationship serves two purposes.

 

Firstly, it does give you that feeling of what it's like to be absolutely adored and be all-consuming to someone. That's a feeling we all want, and when we find it, regardless of it's form, it seems amazing.

 

But, the fact that MM are essentially unavailable. At the beginning of the relationship, we get to enjoy the feeling of being 'loved' and 'accepted' the way we want to, and don't look much further beyond this feeling - because the feeling is fantastic and for many, one they've never felt before or one which has been a long time gone.

 

Then, after a while, we start to feel good about ourselves, and believe it's ours to keep, and that the MM feels the same way. That the feelings we give HIM are the same as the ones he gives us. The feelings of acceptance we give them must get to a point where they'll move mountains to have it all the time - to have us all the time.

 

But, I don't think we do. And, then, the realisation (based on his actions, being lack of serious endeavour to be together 'properly') of this, makes us look for reasons WHY. Why are we not making the MM feel so giddy and great about himself that he can't live without us? And, then, the spiral begins where we blame ourselves... and start to wonder if we should be trying harder, doing more, pleasing him more. And, if anyone's like me, they'll ask him... why won't you leave the wife if life's so bad, etc.

 

The excuses he'll then throw as to why he can't leave (yet, or at all), we believe because it denies us the belief that pure and simple - we just don't matter quite enough for him to just do it despite these reasons.

 

For me, it was a trip each day between two destinations... anger & resentment (I am worth more than this), and forgiveness & justification (I'm not worth more than this, and this is the best I can get, so I'll accept it and keep crossing my fingers lightening will strike him and all of a sudden I'll become worthy of more than this).

 

To realise my 'worthiness' wasn't something he dictated, but something I did for myself, that's the part which was hard. If I'd done this during the MM relationship, I would have lost him of my own doing, and that would mean losing all those moments where I felt great about myself. I tried, but couldn't live without them, so failed.

 

He left me in the end when W found out. But, I left HIM in my own mind when I thought alone and worthy was where I wanted to be, because the 'worthy of true, deep, real and free love' became far more important, and then consistant, than the dislike of loneliness.

 

Trust me, I could fill a book with the daily decisions to make this 'thinking' a reality. Many backwards steps, and really big changes along the way, ie, quitting my job, moving house, dumping friends who put no effort into our 'friendships'... It was iscolating and forcing myself to have little else to be distracted by and making 'me' the subject of my efforts. Just getting out of bed some mornings was a near-impossible feat. But, just little by little, it's changed. I don't look for reasons to feel comfortable being treated like crap.

 

I don't treat myself like that anymore, and who knew... now I don't seem to attract other people who do either.

 

I'm now on the bottom rung of another ladder. By no means do I feel 'in control' and like I've got it all together and all that stuff. But, what I don't feel is restriction (self inflicted or otherwise). That's the difference now. It really is re-learning 'how' to do life in someways. How to react when things go wrong, and how to accept pride (for example) when I do something well, and how to notice when I did something right (as an investment into my future).

 

It takes months. Daily efforts. Daily conciousness. Overall tenacity, even though it goes backwards sometimes. Absolute focus on a longer term objective, and no guarantees along the way what you're doing is actually working or going to get you there.

 

It matters to me, whether it be here, my 'real-life' friends, my daughter... anyone. It matters to me that we have a life that is free of the commercial-view we have of ourselves and our roles in life, and that we can do what is natural and feels good. Don't even get me started on the magazine/TV ads who try and convince me getting wrinkles is a "disease" and I need to be "cured" of them before I lose my ability to compete with air-brushed 14 year old cover girls....

 

It's anarchy against what represses us I say (he he... oh, the rebel in me!) ... we only have one life. It's ours to live and live well.

[movinon05]

For me, it was a trip each day between two destinations... anger & resentment (I am worth more than this), and forgiveness & justification (I'm not worth more than this, and this is the best I can get, so I'll accept it and keep crossing my fingers lightening will strike him and all of a sudden I'll become worthy of more than this).

 

He left me in the end when W found out. But, I left HIM in my own mind when I thought alone and worthy was where I wanted to be, because the 'worthy of true, deep, real and free love' became far more important, and then consistant, than the dislike of loneliness. Yes, this is me, but I was coming to realize this before he left which made it a bit easier for me.

 

I don't treat myself like that anymore, and who knew... now I don't seem to attract other people who do either. Yes, absolutely. How could we not have learned this. And we now know how to sort them out if they are less worthy

 

I'm now on the bottom rung of another ladder. By no means do I feel 'in control' and like I've got it all together and all that stuff. But, what I don't feel is restriction (self inflicted or otherwise). That's the difference now. It really is re-learning 'how' to do life in someways. How to react when things go wrong, and how to accept pride (for example) when I do something well, and how to notice when I did something right (as an investment into my future).

 

It takes months. Daily efforts. Daily conciousness. Overall tenacity, even though it goes backwards sometimes. Absolute focus on a longer term objective, and no guarantees along the way what you're doing is actually working or going to get you there.

 

It matters to me, whether it be here, my 'real-life' friends, my daughter... anyone. It matters to me that we have a life that is free of the commercial-view we have of ourselves and our roles in life, and that we can do what is natural and feels good. Yes, this I have definitely learned.

 

Wonderful post!! And FWIW, I like a few wrinkles (a few), right around the eyes!!! Laugh lines!! It shows you've lived. And I'll never be ashamed of that!! Nor would I want to hide it!!

[RealityCheck]

Thanks... he he... oh boy, I could gush right now... The most unnexpected part of NM is that I seem to have met him relatively sooner than I thought I would. BUT, I did resolve to being okay with the idea of being single for a long time yet prior to meeting him. Maybe that's why I did... I really was ripe for the picking?

 

In theory, what I've written, could apply to someone who believe a MM relationship is what makes them feel that 'unbounded' feeling about themselves. BUT, I don't REALLY believe that.

 

Based purely on my own experience (which includes, of course, the consideration of all that I've read in LS), I think a MM relationship serves two purposes.

 

Firstly, it does give you that feeling of what it's like to be absolutely adored and be all-consuming to someone. That's a feeling we all want, and when we find it, regardless of it's form, it seems amazing.

 

But, the fact that MM are essentially unavailable. At the beginning of the relationship, we get to enjoy the feeling of being 'loved' and 'accepted' the way we want to, and don't look much further beyond this feeling - because the feeling is fantastic and for many, one they've never felt before or one which has been a long time gone.

 

Then, after a while, we start to feel good about ourselves, and believe it's ours to keep, and that the MM feels the same way. That the feelings we give HIM are the same as the ones he gives us. The feelings of acceptance we give them must get to a point where they'll move mountains to have it all the time - to have us all the time.

 

But, I don't think we do. And, then, the realisation (based on his actions, being lack of serious endeavour to be together 'properly') of this, makes us look for reasons WHY. Why are we not making the MM feel so giddy and great about himself that he can't live without us? And, then, the spiral begins where we blame ourselves... and start to wonder if we should be trying harder, doing more, pleasing him more. And, if anyone's like me, they'll ask him... why won't you leave the wife if life's so bad, etc.

 

The excuses he'll then throw as to why he can't leave (yet, or at all), we believe because it denies us the belief that pure and simple - we just don't matter quite enough for him to just do it despite these reasons.

 

For me, it was a trip each day between two destinations... anger & resentment (I am worth more than this), and forgiveness & justification (I'm not worth more than this, and this is the best I can get, so I'll accept it and keep crossing my fingers lightening will strike him and all of a sudden I'll become worthy of more than this).

 

To realise my 'worthiness' wasn't something he dictated, but something I did for myself, that's the part which was hard. If I'd done this during the MM relationship, I would have lost him of my own doing, and that would mean losing all those moments where I felt great about myself. I tried, but couldn't live without them, so failed.

 

He left me in the end when W found out. But, I left HIM in my own mind when I thought alone and worthy was where I wanted to be, because the 'worthy of true, deep, real and free love' became far more important, and then consistant, than the dislike of loneliness.

 

Trust me, I could fill a book with the daily decisions to make this 'thinking' a reality. Many backwards steps, and really big changes along the way, ie, quitting my job, moving house, dumping friends who put no effort into our 'friendships'... It was iscolating and forcing myself to have little else to be distracted by and making 'me' the subject of my efforts. Just getting out of bed some mornings was a near-impossible feat. But, just little by little, it's changed. I don't look for reasons to feel comfortable being treated like crap.

 

I don't treat myself like that anymore, and who knew... now I don't seem to attract other people who do either.

 

I'm now on the bottom rung of another ladder. By no means do I feel 'in control' and like I've got it all together and all that stuff. But, what I don't feel is restriction (self inflicted or otherwise). That's the difference now. It really is re-learning 'how' to do life in someways. How to react when things go wrong, and how to accept pride (for example) when I do something well, and how to notice when I did something right (as an investment into my future).

 

It takes months. Daily efforts. Daily conciousness. Overall tenacity, even though it goes backwards sometimes. Absolute focus on a longer term objective, and no guarantees along the way what you're doing is actually working or going to get you there.

 

It matters to me, whether it be here, my 'real-life' friends, my daughter... anyone. It matters to me that we have a life that is free of the commercial-view we have of ourselves and our roles in life, and that we can do what is natural and feels good. Don't even get me started on the magazine/TV ads who try and convince me getting wrinkles is a "disease" and I need to be "cured" of them before I lose my ability to compete with air-brushed 14 year old cover girls....

 

It's anarchy against what represses us I say (he he... oh, the rebel in me!) ... we only have one life. It's ours to live and live well.

 

OZ...

 

This has got to be one of the most self realizing analysis I have ever read on the Forum!

 

I tend to agree with much of what you came to discover!

 

Thank you for sharing!! We have missed you and welcome what you have brought with you today!!

 

Very happy for you in your new mind space.

 

*Hugs*

[bunset]

Tonite, I'm taking hope/comfort from Oz story.

I'm going to eat a chocolate covered strawberry, take half an ambien to sleep and dream sweet dreams in celebration of making 1 week NC.

For tomorrow I reveal the A to my therapist and follow-up with a meeting with a divorce financial planner. and hopefully get to watch the sunset tomorrow night.