What are you doing to go on?

[Iwanttohope]

No, its not bad of you... your feelings are not bad. But, you're setting yourself up to fail because you have no idea how long "being quiet" will take.

 

What would you say to me? You would tell me that this is a critical point in NC and that he needed to feel what it is like to live without you.

 

Why are you worried about his health? Forgive me if you've mentioned it in a previous post and I missed it... does he have an illness?

[Iwanttohope]

I can't guarantee that he wants you to continue NC but I do know (and you've helped me remember) that he is HUMAN!! He does miss your relationship and the memories and the love that ONLY you and he shared. No one and nothing can take that from you.

 

I'm sure there is a part of him that would be as thrilled to talk to you as you would to him, but... he is loving you by not contacting you if he hasn't left her yet. He is showing that he respects how much this has hurt you. Don't put yourself in a position where you feel shame for wanting him 100%. You didn't feel like you had the right to ask him to leave after you caved last time and that is shame from the pit of hell! You are worth so much more than that.

[Sami_D]

No, its not bad of you... your feelings are not bad. But, you're setting yourself up to fail because you have no idea how long "being quiet" will take.

 

What would you say to me? You would tell me that this is a critical point in NC and that he needed to feel what it is like to live without you.

 

Why are you worried about his health? Forgive me if you've mentioned it in a previous post and I missed it... does he have an illness?

 

Yes, just before we met he had a tumour removed. I think I told you that in PM.

 

I could care less about 'being quiet'... its a balance between that and this pain of NC... .and it's very painful right now.

 

Very painful...

 

But I want to do the right thing.. I so do!!!

[Sami_D]

I'm not sure if i care if I'm weak.

 

If someone told me they would for sure do something if only I could stick to it... then that is something.

 

... ah f***... he did say 'i will do it, i know i will'... isn't that the same thing..?

[Iwanttohope]

Sorry--I went back and re-read pm message. I don't blame you one bit for wanting to check on him. I would feel completely the same way.

 

On a much smaller scale, my xMM is having surgery in June and he has recently had heart problems (at 31!) We talked about how I would take care of him after his surgery. I wonder all the time about his heart and if he's ok...it's awful. He has opted to walk through that without me. He has made the choice to NOT come to me. I would give my right arm just to hold his head in my lap and tell him everything is going to be all right--just like I used to... he is not opting for that right now and it makes me so sad. I'm convinced his heart problems are due to living a life of "endurance" because I'm a firm believer that stress comes out as illness. Again, its his choice....

[Iwanttohope]

Of course you don't care if you are weak right now because the pain is so raw that there isn't much you wouldn't do to ease it. Your mind is doing this to you. You are doubting his words to you and you are doubting that his feelings for you have longevity.

 

Fast forward six months in your mind if you can.... another Christmas rolls around, you've broken NC and maybe he hasn't left yet... if he hasn't left and you don't break NC then that's six more months of healing you've accomplished. If you do break NC and he hasn't left then you have to start all over again. He will come after you if he leaves. He will and you know that in your lucid moments. Don't share him with his W. I think you are great and I can't believe what a blessing it has been to find a person in another country to help me through this crap!

 

I hope you know that irregardless of what you do now, I'll help dust you off or celebrate with you whatever the outcome!

[movinon05]

Finally, I am back. I told you why! F-ing computer!!

 

As I was driving I was thinking of Iwantohope and hoping she was around!! I'm so glad because she just told us how much your posts mean to her, Sami.

 

And so I will ask you again, What do you want to accomplish by doing this? You know he loves you!! There is no doubt!!

[Walking away]

SAMI!

 

Don't break NC! This is the only chance you have at getting what you are striving for!

 

He NEEDS you to be strong.

 

You KNOW THIS!

 

The quick fix is only going to last so long and you will feel HORRIBLE for weakening.....You KNOW this about yourself!

 

You are doing so well....just having some bad moments today...

 

Please, for ME....don't break NC! I am counting on you to stay strong....

 

HOW CAN HE MISS YOU IF YOU DON'T STAY AWAY?

 

Remember what OE said. He needs to get a taste of what life is without you to change his life.

 

Please, please, please....don't cave!

 

I KNOW you can do this!

 

Contact me or any one of us by PM. We are here for you!

[eyeswideshut]

I had no idea Sami you were trying to not break NC. Please please tell us you didn't cave.

I finally did mine.

(well, I'm at the beginning stages...)

I saw him on Saturday, but I was hung over, but then I saw him all day yesterday. (I'm a total drama queen) I needed to see what was really there. We hadn't really begun a R. It just so happened that we were close, intimate, but then when he went back to work things with W, it was after that that it became an A. However, we never spoke about the A, because I wasn't intending on having one, I thought we could just be friends. Well yesterday, we finally spoke. I asked him how long he thought the A would last. It was the first time I called it like I called it. Remember, we were childhood friends, so pretending we were just friends all along, people who got along so well, while our real relationships were dissolving, that is what it felt like the entire time. Now I've faced it. And I told him we couldn't just be friends anymore. I quoted all of you girls. Thank you!!!! Then I told him i would have to stay away because if I continue, I will be a mess. He said he doesn't ever want to hurt me, so if I don't want to be friends and I need to step away, he totally understands.

So, we spent the most loving day ever. He told me for the first time that he LOVES me. (I blushed completely) and then he had this look that meant he was going to be on a "thinking vacation" alone and that our little road trip was over.

We left on good terms, and didn't discuss the future. He just said: Now that I've felt what I felt with you, I won't be able to love her again, or get back what we had before. He said he doesn't feel good about himself when he is with her, and that it was like that a year into the relationship, but he thought that was just normal. He thought he was just generally dissatisfied about relationships, and since she really was a good girl, he married her, but he never really felt good about it.

Anyway. He told me basically that I was the most phenomenal woman he had ever met.

So I sent him an email yesterday, on my own. A NC email. Telling him that one day maybe in 2-3 years, I would hope that we could be friends again, and that I am stepping away because I truly love him, and I just don't want to be in the situation, and that I can't help him in this situation.

He wrote back to say that I was exceptional.

So, now I feel as though I've told him all he needs to know, so that I can do NC, guilt free, he knows I'm going to stay away because I am a friend who is giving him space.

I know how you feel Sami about wanting to know he's ok.

GOd, I always feared NC, because of his brother's death, I thought how could I be so cold when he's grieving this, and my "needs" should really be on the back burner.

I think I'm in NC.

I was so afraid he'd phone tonight because this is a night he normally contacts me, so I stayed on the phone all night.

But he didn't phone.

Now, I'm just waiting. I know I shouldn't wait, but i am waiting.

I'm waiting to see where NC will take us.

Sami.... if I can make it to 4 weeks, I think i will be a totally different woman.

THat's a LONG time.

Guys, do you think I can make it? My friends vote that I won't even last a week.

How am I going to do this? Just ignore everything?

:( :(

[lovernotafighter]

sami and ews ,you both can do this...always remind your selves how wonderful you are and a prize to be won! we are all great women here who deserve the best..we have to hang on and remember what made us go NC in the first place.

[rossm]

if I can make it to 4 weeks, I think i will be a totally different woman.

THat's a LONG time.

Guys, do you think I can make it? My friends vote that I won't even last a week.

How am I going to do this? Just ignore everything?

:( :(

 

I believe in you! You need to try. Fight the urges. To combat the empty feeling, keep busy and fill your time with other (hopefully fun) activities. Hang in there!

[Sami_D]

Well...

 

... I didn't contact him.

 

I went to bed having decided that I'd call him this morning, but when I woke up... I had just gone straight back to NC mode... wasn't even tempted to call.

 

It's like this... I'm just so fed up with this NC thing! It's boring not being able to talk to him! He makes everything fun and interesting... and I miss him!! And I want to know he's ok... but... I'll stick with it. I have to.

 

And thank you all so much for being here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jessie61]

Well...

 

... I didn't contact him.

 

I went to bed having decided that I'd call him this morning, but when I woke up... I had just gone straight back to NC mode... wasn't even tempted to call.

 

It's like this... I'm just so fed up with this NC thing! It's boring not being able to talk to him! He makes everything fun and interesting... and I miss him!! And I want to know he's ok... but... I'll stick with it. I have to.

 

And thank you all so much for being here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Good afternoon Sami,

 

I missed the last bit of last nights discussion... I am not a night person, but I was up at the crack of dawn.... Not that it would have been of any use to you last night..... Sorry!!! (Said with tail between the legs... )

 

Anyway, I am pleased that you held strong. You should be really proud of yourself! You did the right thing... And I know that you know you did!!!!

[Sami_D]

Jessie!

 

No, I'm not a night person either! Normally I'm in bed before 10pm lol. Only last night I was drinking the dreaded WINE... which definitely was part of the problem!

 

Come on England!

[Jessie61]

Jessie!

 

No, I'm not a night person either! Normally I'm in bed before 10pm lol. Only last night I was drinking the dreaded WINE... which definitely was part of the problem!

 

Come on England!

 

Oooohhhhh, I seeeeeeeeeeee..... the wine! Now I understand... Yes, 10pm is my time too!

 

Yes, come on England! Don't we have a massive SOCCER FEST to look forward to and to distract us???

 

Anyway, I am sure that you are (secretly??) chuffed at yourself about the NON-breaking of the NC? :bunny:

[Sami_D]

Secretly chuffed??

 

I don't think there's any secret!

 

Hmm... but as I wrote above... I'm just bored with it.. bah!

 

When's kick-off again..??!!

[Jessie61]

 

Hmm... but as I wrote above... I'm just bored with it.. bah!

 

 

THAT'S the spirit!!!!

[lovernotafighter]

I'm doing way better with this NC than I thought I would..even after he wrote me yesterday..I didn't cave.

 

but this second job stuff..well you guys I might have to quit it...its flipping hard as hell! but it is keeping my mind off junk..I think I'm gonna tough it out one more week,ack!!

 

Sami good on ya not breaking the NC

[RealityCheck]

LNF......

 

Wait a second!!!

 

Did I miss something you posted? You are now NC?

 

What's going on? I thought you were fine with your A arrangment.

 

I'm all ears!!

[lovernotafighter]

LNF......

 

Wait a second!!!

 

Did I miss something you posted? You are now NC?

 

What's going on? I thought you were fine with your A arrangment.

 

I'm all ears!!

 

I dunno RC I was okay for a fat minuet and then we kept falling deeper in love..at least I did.

 

and theres where the problems start. I am in the middle of this crap because me and my H are getting ready to put the house up for sale and we do splits..but MM shows his spots more and more and when I need him he's no where.

 

really in my opinion he just was being a flake lately and I didn't feel we are reading from the same script. the straw that broke the camels back is he came out of his way to see me..wearing his wedding ring and the same night one of his best friends also with out me asking offered all this info on MM's marriage to me.

 

I took it as a deliberate punch in the face..not only that though then someone else was telling me more crap I didn't want to hear..my stomach was turning in side out.

 

so I dropped the NC bomb on 'em...I figured that has to be what he was after or something..but whatever I wasn't playing games,I feel he is...tut tut you know?

[RealityCheck]

LNF...

 

WHOA!!

 

I went back to read your original thread then boogied over here!

 

Gee, this is going to be a tuffy for you, no doubt! Mainly because you can't help where you are with your feelings for him given your history and;

sadly, it appears your MM really gave you some dreadful things to think about in terms of "who he is as a person".

 

Now I am not saying that he doesn't have genuine feelings for you, because he probably does, but what gets my "freak on" is his inability to actually give a s***.....such as;

 

When he told you he purposely treats his W terribly is something that I would give some deep thought. That in itself "lacks conscious". Yikes!

 

LNF...that's some heavy stuff right there! You may want to check out that site I told you about and see if you can sniff him out there!

 

Be careful....

 

*hug*

[movinon05]

Someone smack me again!! I saw my neighbor at the store (28 something girl teacher) who moved across the street last Fall. In conversation, I told her I broke up with BF. Now she's trying to set me up with her dad AGAIN.! He's had the hots for me since she moved in. But fortunately I had a BF. And he's like a little skinny Ben Franklin!! Why don't I just SHUT MY MOUTH!!

[rossm]

I'm lookin' at Ben Franklin!

 

back to Ben Franklin, huh?

[movinon05]

back to Ben Franklin, huh?

 

Yes, sadly. I'm gonna have to have a serious talk with WA!

 

How are you Ross? Have you heard anything?

[RealityCheck]

MO.....

 

Your killing me with this Ben Franklin thingy!

 

Jeepers! Run girl friend, run!