This forum is Hot! The Stories are Same for Gay Folks Too!

[darrren12000]

I surfed this forum with a Google search of "unrequited love" and "friendships without boundaries." LOL. It's amazing to hear others with crazy stories. I don't want to type a long essay -- but I think I am in one of the most intense love/friend horror stories. At this point, I am in NC mode. Enjoying it....

 

So, my best friend "Tom" of the last 4 years and I spend way too much time together. Of course, when we met, I didnt think much of him in terms of looks. I thought he was "average." I didn't really make much of an effort to get to know him. Instead, he clinged to me. He was in a "relationship" (complicated story) with a friend, and at some point, always wanted me to go out to dinner and parties with them. Third wheel? Kind of odd. I was single at the time. It was fun hanging with my friend and making a new one. It became clear that Tom and I had a lot in common. But I have been blessed with so many good friends that I did not really become overwhelmed by this new one.

 

Well, at some point, we started clicking even; Tom broke up, and I broke up with someone at the same time. A few nights of rebound sex happened. And we didnt really think about it after that. It was a classic male thing for both of us. Well, I moved to another city and Tom made a point of visiting me often - like every other week (6 hour drive or 1 hour flight). All this attention pulled me in. I started seeing him in a new light. All the "romantic" one-on-on dinners at expensive restaurants, the candlelight settings, flash in his eyes when I talked, constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how anyone would be happy with me, yadda yadda....He was suddenly the most attractive and appealing man in my life! Isnt it funny how that happens? We had sex a couple more times and then stopped completely.

 

Tom has become very intense with me over the remaining time. He still visits a lot, and I visit him. He wants to take me to Paris (just the two of us) this summer, but I have been strong enough to resist international vacations with him. Road trips are ok. He gets very jealous when I date others. He has convinced his family that we are in a relationship (his sister-in-law calls me his "partner"). He says he is constructing an addition to his home so that I will have enough room when I am there with him. He wants me to live with him in the summers (we are both educators). He even recently - after another jealous moment when I was getting attention from another guy -- admmitted to having "feelings," but insisted that we must be "friends." It was so difficult extracting even that tidbit. The poor guy is truly afraid of being hurt- but this is irrelevant to my efforts. "Just friends" requires no explanation. Oh, I forgot to mention that he visits me every Valentines Day and Thanksgiving (and I visit him and his family every Easter). We are really intertwined. Friendship - yes. Messy emotions -- yes.

 

So, I am exhausted. I am now in "No Contact" mode. The first week was easy because he was on a vacation with a good friend, and I had no inclination to call him. The second week became tough, especially after two voicemails from him. The one today said: "Remember that Elvis song I like -- 'You Don't Love Me Anymore'? That's how I feel. Please call me baby." That was tough to ignore, but I did. I feel so bad, but I have to do this for me. I cannot talk to him. I am too vulnerable now.

 

I have accepted that I must divest this friendship of my deepest emotions. But we will always be friends. Clearly we share a deep bond. But we really need to establish boundaries. I don't think of my friendship as pathological. It just lacks appropriate boundaries. I was getting sick on the stomach. All the pain in the heart, the stomach, the secret crying,the aching heart, the jealousy, the retaliation, the passive-aggressive behavior -- it's all there in the gay context too. I guess it could be messier because men are "supposed" to hide their feelings; he might be a victim of this socialization, but I cannot change that. I have to make changes on my own. thanks for the inspiration!