Alone or not?

[Guest]

Well. (sorry this is long)

 

I've been in a 1 year relationship with 'X' and we were very happy, very romantic, very adoring, peaceful, giving and had common interests, etc. The happiest relationship I've had in my life.

 

He has cheated on me once in the past but it was a 1 off drunken thing and I had forgiven him and we'd moved on from that.

 

Until in Jan this year I met 'Y' at a meeting, we then continued to spend time together for the rest of the day, instant connection in every way, we had intelligent conversations about art, music, and politics followed by instant incredible creativity pouring out of each other, we found ourselves on rooftops singing, making up stupid songs and sound effects, then we were in a cafe making up funny poetry for hours, until we had gotten to a level where we spoke in word association, and rhyme. Our conversations were crazy caricatures, we talked in gibberish, insane rants in a multitude of characters and we talked and acted like 5 year olds. Totally wild and silly, for no reason. We were finishing each others sentences, and laughing so hard until it hurt and I remember crawling on the ground dribbling with laughter. And he thinks all my jokes are funny and I think all of his are but usually I'm always cracking jokes and most people think they are juvenile and lame but he feeds off of them and has the same humour.

 

Anyway, I thought to myself, maybe, it was just a stupid crush and perhaps it will blow over in a week or so. Maybe 'Y' could potentially be just a good friend. I thought I'd give it a two-week trial. Hopefully, after two weeks, if it had simmered down and that day with him had just proven to be a one off magnificent day, perhaps we could be friends and the connection could be salvaged. However if it were still intense after the two-week trial then I would have to say goodbye.

 

I spent a week with him and it was just as magnificent, definately no simmering down. I told my partner about it and told him that I still wanted to stay together but I just don't know how to get 'Y' out of my head now. And to not spend time with 'Y', to not have that interaction felt like chopping off my own leg. Since spending time with 'Y' I realise how much I've held myself back with other people.

 

Before my two week trial period with 'Y' was up, the next day after 'X' broke up with me he was at my place trying to smash my windows, throwing rocks at me, and since then, he's sent me his hair in the mail, begged for me back, he's sent an email with a list of 40 ways to torture me, sent me a CD with the words murder repeated 6 times, broken into my house at 5 AM the morning, (once while 'Y' was there) and told me 'I've just begun to torture you' and screamed on that I never could have loved him at me and 'X' then recently he had broken in and I ended up getting out of the house and running down the road with no shoes, no keys, just had to get away from him, ran to a friends house and stayed there for the night. Came home to find a dead road killed rat in my room, he had completely gone through my entire computer and read everything personal on it, 'X' had written 'Y' a huge email about how he should never get involved with me from my email account and stolen my keys, he told me that if I slept with 'Y' he would never speak to me again in his life.

 

After the break up while all of the above was going on, I saw 'X' a few times and 'Y' a few times, confused I still love both of them.

 

I had never cheated on ’X’; I had been honest about the whole situation at every point. Yes I have sent mixed signals because I am mixed and still love both of them.

 

Now I have completely cut off all communication between 'X' and I, seeing the insane way he has been acting. ’Y’ has been overseas for the past month.

 

I have been in a couple of relationships in the past where I have left my partner for someone else. So I can see it might just be me and I've developed an awful habit. I don't want to live like this anymore. Also I've gone from one long-term relationship to the next since I was 17 and now I'm 23.

 

Being in love with 2 people has driven me insane. I can't be with either it wouldn't be fair. I’ve never been this torn up. I don't deserve anyone 'Y' or 'X' do I? I don't deserve anything. But to lose 'Y' feels stupid. Especially after all that happened with 'X.' everyone says, 'spend time alone and a decision will reveal itself to you.' But all this time alone makes me feel is more and more confused, jaded and weak and no decision has come forth.

 

I really don't know what to do. Should I peruse 'Y' when he comes back or should I be alone for a few years before I ever get into a relationship again?

 

I'm really not ready to get into another relationship but I might never meet someone that I connect with like 'Y' again but oh... I still love X. And if I am with ‘Y’ the ‘X’ will never speak to me again in his life. I can't leave 'Y' dangling, waiting, waiting for me to get over 'X' waiting for me to be ready in a relationship again. He's already been waiting for three months! Should I just go ahead and be with ‘Y’ or should I try and repair things with ‘X’ (although they seem pretty irrepairable) or do I deserve neither, should I be alone for good and give them an absolute no. To be with one is to deny the love for the other and vice versa. To be alone is to deny all love.

 

Time doesn't heal, I just think about them more and more and feel more and more alone and stupid for throwing away love. but I'm not sure if I've completely thrown it away yet. Or what's wrong with me for being in love with 2 people.

 

What should I do? Have things have gone too far to do anything?