I should just become a nun...

[flsgirl]

Okay, I need a pity party for myself right now which is ridiculous because I know I am the only one that change things. I'm just not sure how or if I can.

 

So I'm officially celibant now. And it royally sucks. This is the longest I've gone without "it" in six years. I've always been involved with someone somehow and never had to worry about it. Now, I don't know what's happened, but since my last relationship I haven't met anyone that's worth being with. I think it boils down to the fact that I'm SERIOUSLY bitter about love, have closed myself off from men and convinced myself that I will be infinitely single.

 

Within the last year, I have had a failed relationship with someone I really liked and then been blown off by two others. The rejection is self-esteem deflating and ego crushing.

 

I've never been one to "look for love" or have random hookups. Seems like a waste of time and opens the door for emotional attachments that I don't want to deal with. Plus looking for love always seemed kind of desperate to me (no offense to those who are).

 

I go back and forth on whether or not I want to be in a relationship. Most of the time it's yes but other times I want nothing to do with it. I'm tired of being asked if I have met anyone yet by all my nonsingle friends (which at this point are most of them).

 

I want to get into a relationship for the right reasons, not because I'm lonely or feel I need to settle because everyone in my life already has or because I feel like a relationship will validate me. It's also hit me lately because I'm starting to feel my friends are all pulling away because they're now in relationships (seriously, why do girls do that?) This also tugs aways at my "fear of abandonment-issues."

 

I have this dire need to be a badass and act like I don't care about it. I'm a relatively sane person and know that I need to be comfortable and happy with being alone before I get into another relationship. Maybe one day I won't care about it and be happy about being me and not wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

 

In the mean time, I feel bad for those around me because of my nonexistent sex life, I'm majorly moody. It's funny how much more relaxed you are when you're getting it regularly.

 

Pity Party is over...