Was my friend attempting to push boundaries with me?

[SweetMisery]

Here's the situation: a friend who has said he never wanted to date me seemed to be testing my limits tonight.

 

He invited me to hang out tonight at his house it was just the two of us and when I get there he says you look good tonight. I said thank you and we start talking and laughing like usually. Then later he leads the conversation to talk about sex and how far I have gone with a guy. I repeatedly tell him that I am uncomfortable doing so and hes like it's alright by the end of the night you will and true to his word he keeps trying. So finally, I am like I have no interest in sex and don't plan on having it and his eyes got big. Of course I was fibbing but I wanted him to drop the subject. This only futher intrigued him. My innocence always has. He told me I was lying but half believed me so he set out to test me which I totally didn't see coming. He jumps up from his side of the couch and sits next to me puts one hand on the back of my neck and the the other hand on my thigh sort of moving it up a little as a tease.

 

I was in shock so I couldnt say anything. I immediately felt nervous and he was looking at me. Then I was like see I am not reacting meaning I am not asking him for more and hes like oh but you are. I was trying to play it cool so then he stops and he starts again. This time he put his leg on my leg that he was rubbing and kept rubbing my neck looking at me I blushed. So he was like okay this is my conclusion you got excited your heart rate and breathing increased.

 

So insisted it was bc I was freaked out that I was in flight response mode and he said well you didn't say anything true at first and then I did and he was like no it excited you. I said but I didn't react. So basically I half way was still able to convince he I wasn't ever going to be interested in having sex with anyone. He kept saying I was in denial and I wanted a romatic relationship and I do but I was trying to get him off the topic and telling him to stop talking about it wasnt getting me anywhere.

 

 

I should also mention he went through several beers and even bought me my favorite kind in an effort to get me drinking with him. He knows it only takes one beer and I didn't want to drive home after I was drinking so I declined.

I was too afraid of what I might do if I drank.

 

I should also mention that he and I havent spoken in about 6 months until last week due to me saying that I didnt think we could be friends bc I had feelings for him and I have since seen him out with a girl that has a kid. And when I asked about her and how serious they were he dodged my questions. So that's why I was freaked about him touching me. But then get this made the mistake of asking for a message and he gave me one two actually before we called it a night.

 

He didn't kiss me or anything or touch me inappropriately but I get the feeling that if I would have even hinted that I wanted to test our boundaries he would have been up for it. I dont know maybe I am overreacting but when he gave me the massage he was pretty though rubbing me everywhere down my back right to where my waistband was and a little below, no touching on my butt but on my outer hips and inner thighs at one point and somehow I felt like we were still playing with fire. at one point he pulled my shirt up so he could have contact with my skin and said it was so I could get the full effect. But he made it sound very innocent said he gave massages all the time. he gave me another massage before I went home as well. Before I left he hugged me and that was that.

 

Now the question is was he up to somethng with me or am I imagining it bc he's always told me his never been attracted to me physically? But like I said he seemed intrigued. I caught him looking at me several times too and I was like what and hes like your funny. He never mentioned I looked good again.

 

So help me out. I feel suckered.

[ImWithHim]

That sounds much further than a friendly massage...I think you are right in that he was testing the boundaries to see if you were really interested in him. Be honest with yourself - are you? Some questions...

 

If you were interested in him 6 months ago, what made you cut off contact and not go after him?

 

It sounds to me like he was gently trying to test the limits. By the description, only you can say if you felt uncomfortable because you weren't turned on or uncomfortable because you *were* turned on and your feelings scared you.

 

The only thing I don't like about all this is that you mentioned he has always said he's not physically attracted to you. Any guy that would actually say those words isn't much of a friend at all, much less someone to consider romantically. Sure, there are guys that may not be attracted at first and that will later grow as they get to know you, but to actually SAY it is a little concerning. Unless he was just playfully saying it to make to think he wasn't interested and thus, could continue being friends (and always giving him hope of more)...he may have been trying to convince himself he wasn't attracted so as to keep his feelings in check.

[SweetMisery]

That sounds much further than a friendly massage...I think you are right in that he was testing the boundaries to see if you were really interested in him. Be honest with yourself - are you? Some questions...

 

If you were interested in him 6 months ago, what made you cut off contact and not go after him?

 

It sounds to me like he was gently trying to test the limits. By the description, only you can say if you felt uncomfortable because you weren't turned on or uncomfortable because you *were* turned on and your feelings scared you.

 

The only thing I don't like about all this is that you mentioned he has always said he's not physically attracted to you. Any guy that would actually say those words isn't much of a friend at all, much less someone to consider romantically. Sure, there are guys that may not be attracted at first and that will later grow as they get to know you, but to actually SAY it is a little concerning. Unless he was just playfully saying it to make to think he wasn't interested and thus, could continue being friends (and always giving him hope of more)...he may have been trying to convince himself he wasn't attracted so as to keep his feelings in check.

 

 

Thanks ImwithHim for your response.

 

To answer your question:

I ended the friendship for 3 reasons- 1 because I had feelings for him as I mentioned and also because during the length of time I had known him I felt like I was his social project. We are completely opposites socially. I am a little more introverted and he's a little more extroverted. During the time that I have known him he's made me very aware that he's been trying to open me up to situations socially, and he'd do things to sort of point out what I was trying to do. I am a very stubborn and heardheaded women so I resisted his need to change me into being more like him socially. He told me last night that he didn't get that until I walked away 6 months ago. He says that he has finally been able to accept and appreciate that I am different from him and that he doesn't need to "help" me anymore. The third reason was because it seemed like we were always holding the past against each other and nothing seemed to be improving.

 

Let me also state that he reintiated contact with me about a month ago with a phone call and then contacted me recently to see how I felt about being friends again. He said he did this because he realized he said that the decision to not be friends was stupid bc he felt we could be and that he missed me and knew I missed him. I should also state that this isn't the first time we ended the friendship between each other and we have sort of flip flopped the role of who ended it in the past. We ended it for various reasons mostly when it was on my part it was due to his personality driving me crazy and him because he got his feelings hurt.

 

I told him that if we couldn't be friends this time that that was it for me and he's like are you giving me an ultimatium and I explained I wasn't but that I was tired of the constant limbo state we always get in when we end the friendship.

 

When I say that he's always said he was physically unattractive to him and that he couldn't date me I don't mean he reminds me of that fact every day. It's just something that has been discussed and is out there on the table that I can't forget, so now I am wondering if his thoughts have changed. With the massages he made it sound so casual like he does it all the time because he loves to give them, and he also said that he's constantly talking about sex with his friends and to want sex is human nature and if I didn't react to it something was wrong. But I was reacting I just didn't want him to know.

[Yamaha]

I feel he was playing with you. If he had been interested I don't think he would have picked this way of telling you of his interest. He wanted to tease you and see if he could get a reaction out of you which is mean when he knew you had feeling for him in the past. If he has no feeling for you he should let you go as it is not a good situation for a friendship. You need to be involved with someone else for there to be any chance for a friendship.

 

I would let him know that you can't continue the friendship as you don't want to be "just friends" and his teasing you is just another reason why you can't have any contact with him. You will miss him and it will hurt but in the long run you will find someone else and then maybe you can be friends ( but then you may not need him as a friend ).

[parentdetective]

I think that innocence sometimes really grabs guys attention...

[Seen_It_All]

..it simply sounds like the guy was horny and trying to see if he could have sex with you.

 

His childish seduction tactics were sophomoric at best, and he could clearly see you were uncomfortable. Yet he still tried to get you to push your boundaries which to me just spells DISRESPECT.

 

I've had 'friends' like this in the past - their real intent was not as pure as my intentions toward THEM.

 

He claims he's never been attracted to you physically which could very well be true. But the simple truth is that alot of guys will overlook that little fact when they're simply looking to get laid and nothing more.

 

Good for you that you didn't compromise your values for this schmuck. I'd be willing to bet my RIGHT ARM that if you had slept with him, it would have been another 6 months before you heard from again. Or, you'd hear from him the next time he was looking for sex.

 

Don't cross the 'friendship' line. Especially with someone who can't even be HONEST with you about the status of his current relationship. He sounds like a real sleaze-bag.

[SweetMisery]

..it simply sounds like the guy was horny and trying to see if he could have sex with you.

 

His childish seduction tactics were sophomoric at best, and he could clearly see you were uncomfortable. Yet he still tried to get you to push your boundaries which to me just spells DISRESPECT.

 

I've had 'friends' like this in the past - their real intent was not as pure as my intentions toward THEM.

 

He claims he's never been attracted to you physically which could very well be true. But the simple truth is that alot of guys will overlook that little fact when they're simply looking to get laid and nothing more.

 

Good for you that you didn't compromise your values for this schmuck. I'd be willing to bet my RIGHT ARM that if you had slept with him, it would have been another 6 months before you heard from again. Or, you'd hear from him the next time he was looking for sex.

 

Don't cross the 'friendship' line. Especially with someone who can't even be HONEST with you about the status of his current relationship. He sounds like a real sleaze-bag.

 

Thanks for all the responses I had to make sure I wasn't imagining this.

[JJx23]

I'm a guy and I have to say when a girl is innocent, it turns me on. There have been girls where I haven't been interested in them like that, that would turn me. It's weird. But it happens and if you catch them then you can counter it, but maybe you should approach him and see what happens?

[SweetMisery]

I'm a guy and I have to say when a girl is innocent, it turns me on. There have been girls where I haven't been interested in them like that, that would turn me. It's weird. But it happens and if you catch them then you can counter it, but maybe you should approach him and see what happens?

Yeah that may have been what happened. I dont want to broach the topic yet. Still trying to make sense of it all. I think he's also dating someone which isn't good.

[magda]

Yeah.. you probably should've left. By staying there you were giving him permission to keep being a horndog.

[SweetMisery]

ust thought you'd would like to know that there are people out there... cruel people that are still reading your diary... might want to be more careful about what you post for the public to read.

 

I have been relayed a few messages about said posts. I am sorry if I ever gave you the wrong impression... nothing that I did was at all suggestive or sexual in any way. I was not being forward... I was just hanging out as a FRIEND .. and nothing else. I am sorry I if did anything that gave you the wrong impression. I don't mean to confuse you. Strange to me how you could have interpreted the night's events the way you did.

 

 

 

I am not crazy. I didn't just imagine his actions. I haven't contacted him for a week. So we are on no contact again after a week of talking and before that I didn't contact him for 6 months because of problems and my feelings for him. Then a month ago he called me and I kept the convo short then at the end of last month he contacted me. What I don't get is why he would deny his responsibilty in the actions he took.

[SweetMisery]

What is going on????

 

 

Okay so I was busted so I went over there having every intention to just talk to him tonight about why he said I was wrong, but what happened instead? Another freaking massage.

 

First we just watched the movie and he made stupid comments and I laughed and then we kind of got playful and he was play fighting. We were watching Million Dollar baby and I smacked him several times and then after the movie was over he started looking at me again and I said What and hes like what and I am like you are freaking me out and he's asking me why and I said because you are being weird, so then he litterally lean over me got real close to my face and said how does this make you feel and I said uncomfortable and hes like uncomfortable how? Good or bad and I was like I don't know.

 

I just don't like how I dont know what to expect from you and hes like so. Then we were just talking about something and I said I dont think you are good for much and he was like what? I know for a fact that I am good at one thing. You really liked that massage I gave you and I was like what massage I dont remember? He told me I was lying and I said yeah that I was messing with him. I told him I liked it and we changed the subject then 20 minutes later he asks me to let him give me another.

 

So I am like okay and then he asks me what kind of massage and I tell him I don't want to make any decisions because I wanted to see where he would go with this again. But finally I tell him just do my back and neck, so he's like okay. Well the next thing I know it turns into the full body massage again. After awhile he gets bold and slides his hands under my shirt again and rubs me where he can reach without taking the shirt off. He rubs his hands over my bra hook too and in my head I am thinking what?????

 

I am confused bc in his email he denys up and down that there is anything sexual to these massages. The next thing I know he unhooks me and continues rubbing my back.

 

He periodically asks me if I like what hes doing and if I am comfortable and in my head I was freaking out and nervous. I was going along with everything because I again liked it and I wanted to prove to myself that he was in denial about what was happening. I wanted more proof. So eventually he works his handles lightly around my butt without every fully placing his hands there and then my inner thighs again. What the heck???? So eventually he does touch my butt and after awhile I sit up and I am like what do you want? He's like well I prefer skin to skin contact.

So I am like what do you want me to do about it? No answer and finally I am like look I don't want to make any decisions tonight and so he starts unbuttoning my shirt. At this point, I remember that he unhooked me and so I lay back down on my stomach really quick. Because I thought well if he said this isnt sexual then why should he see me like that.

 

Then at this point he asks me if I am uncomfortable several times and I play it cool. After awhile he focus on my neck and starts to grab me where I have no choice but to lift myself up a bit and then there were several times where he massaged under my arm and I got the feeling he was trying to turn me over. So after a half hour of this he gets tired so I ask him for something to drink so I can straighten myself up a bit. Then he gives me mixed freaking signals. He keeps telling me to tell him what I want but I play dumb bc I dont want to be vunerable but his actions and his words never concide. He tells me that he knows I have had romantic feelings for him bc of the blog but that hes only ever wanted to be my friend blah blah and indirectly says that massage that he gave me was because he was being a friend bc he enjoys giving people massages and when I asked why he said bc its a nice thing to do like giving food to the homeless??? WHAT kind of analogy is that???

 

Then shortly after that I left.

 

I am so freaking confused. Why does he keep asking me what I want and then give me massages like that and just says he wants to be friends with me? What is he thinking? I mean if he was only interested in keeping me as a friend why would he want to give me a massage that he knows confused me the last time I came over? I mean he said he wasn't being sexual so what's up with all of this? I told him that I was pissed off about his email and that I felt he was playing games and he was all why would I? I have no reason to. So guys if hes not interested in me sexually what gives? His actions dont communicate the same way at all. Why ask me what I want and why ask me how his actions are making me feel uncomfortable good or bad. I mean he could tell I was nervous. Why is he in DENIAL?

[Yamaha]

This guy is not your friend. He is having fun because he knows you like him and he is seeing how far he can push you. It's like" I know she wants to be more than a friend so I will tease her and see how she reacts". He is enjoying your torment.

 

Get away from him. A friend would not behave with your feelings like this. I would forget him and tell him to leave you alone.

[SweetMisery]

I think you may be right. He swore to me that night that he cared about me, but when I look in his eyes I don't know without a doubt that he is telling the truth. I want to believe him, but it's not wise to be so believing. He said that us arguing was a sign of him caring about me bc if he didn't he would walk away and not look back. How can you tell if someone is telling the truth?

[Yamaha]

Tell him of he cares for you he will stop this behavior because it is playing with your emotions. A true friend would not tease you and give you mixed signals when he has no romantic interest. They would respect your friendship and would not cross the line. Or if you want to turn the tables on him, the next time he wants to massage you sexually reach down and grab his d^ck and see how he reacts. If he is teasing you he will holler and back away from you.

[Mary3]

Tell him of he cares for you he will stop this behavior because it is playing with your emotions. A true friend would not tease you and give you mixed signals when he has no romantic interest. They would respect your friendship and would not cross the line. Or if you want to turn the tables on him, the next time he wants to massage you sexually reach down and grab his d^ck and see how he reacts. If he is teasing you he will holler and back away from you.

This guy is rubbing you and rubbing you and working your bra hooks off and this is a guy looking for the *pink taco*. I once heard a guy say " We dont care , pink is pink " So basically he may not find you that attractive but I think he wants your Pink Taco !