she needed time away

[thakurds]

Hello friends, me and my wife were a happy couple for 2.5 years now. she is influenced a lot by her Mom, my MIL. 6 weeks back she walked out to her Mom's place saying she needs a break from me and told me not to call her at all.

I visited her after almost a week and she again said she needed more time but never said how long. I kept visiting her on weekly basis but she tried to push me away. and told me not to call her or visit her until she calls me.

I waited for her to call for 2 weeks last week she called and said she is ready to talk. the same day she told my family that she is not interested to stay married.

I didnot feel like going for that chat with her that she is prepared to declare the breakup. I love her a lot and feel very depressed without her in my life.

When we were together, she has taken care of me very well, she has been a selfless loving wife.

Is there any chance of reconciliation from her side given she is just under the influence of her Mom to leave me?

 

my brains went to sleep since the day she walked out. I am not the same guy since then.

[tikigods]

I don't think its ever a good combo when someones parents have that much control over their children. Until she grows up and starts telling her mom no, or making her own choices then I just don't see how this is going to work :/

 

I am super sorry that you are dealing with this but it doesn't sound like she wants to have anything to do with you right now and is relying more on her family then anything else

[thakurds]

She lives with her parents since she walked out, when I wanted to talk to her in her parent's house, her Mom sits next to her in front of me and starts the conversation.

 

Her Mom asks me what I miss about my wife during the time we are seperated? Its like her Mom going to decide if my wife is going to live with me or not. These days my wife is doing just what her Mom says.

 

One day I managed to convince my wife to come back to me , but all of a sudden her Mom told her it is too early to decide and go back to him.

 

After my wife called me for a chat to declare her idea of seperation, I didnot go to see her. I asked her to go out with me and we can have a heart to heart, but they want all the chat to be in their Mom's presence.

Her Mom prepared her to give me the decission of break up.

I decided not to go to her or call her anymore from now. I will give her the no contact time now. I decided I will not contact her until she contacts me a few times for the Mom influenced chat. May be she will realize her Mom is misguiding her in her marital life.

Its just not that I dont want to see her, but I dont want the seperation.

[parentdetective]

Wow

That is a really tough situation. It sounds like her mother is in control. DId she give you indication of why she left??

[thakurds]

all started when her Mom used to call her everyday to her house to sit down and chat in the evenings. They planned to go shopping and visiting relatives together. I used to feel left out when my wife was not with me. I started telling my wife to stay home when I am home. This pissed my MIL off and she told her he wants to dominate and control you. She kept on doing this for so long. finally she made her daughter say she doesnt want to stay married.

Otherwise my wife and I are a happy couple.

[thakurds]

When she left, she said it is in the best interest of both not to stay together. and also she said she needed a break and time off from me, to think of other priorities and needs.

[tikigods]

I think you need to find someone that isn't a puppet of their mom. This isn't going to get any better, and your wife doesn't have the backbone to tell her mother no. Even if she does love you a lot, nothing will come before her mother and thats not the type of marriage you want to be in.

 

I say its time to cut your losses and find a woman that is far more independent

[thakurds]

When I went to see her all this time, she had dinner with me and packed food for me for the next day. She only talks loud and in a manner to impress her Mom when her Mom is around. otherwise she talks soft to me. I am unable to understand what went wrong with me that she had to leave me. All her Mom now says is I am dependent on my wife. and that stressed her a lot. thats why she needs the break.

[tikigods]

regardless of how she acts around you, her moms fingers are deep in her daughters back and are holding onto her spine. Till your wife can tell her mother to leave her alone and that she is an adult things won't change.

[Numbheart]

Jeez!.....Am I right in the fact that her mom is single/widowed/divorced?

Or is she just overly protective of her daughter?

This is a pretty severe situation, being controlled by her mother....from what I make out by what you have said.

 

From the info I see, it sounds like her mom has issues with guys full stop, or does she have particular issues with you, has something happened between her mom and you that you have not divulged?

 

Regardless of that, if your wife listens to her mother over you, then there is a certain problem.

It may well only be rectified by a split happening, you both going through a world of s*** and however long the time takes for your wife to realise she is not happy and her mothers advice is not good for her.(that is, if your wife is as happy with you as you say she is)

The other side of the coin, is that this is really also what your wife wants, again a split may have to happen to realise the full truth behind this.

[thakurds]

you think, keeping No Contact with my wife for a few weeks, will be a good idea? I really pray that she realizes how much I love her and want her back. rest I leave to the GOD.

[thakurds]

both her parents are together. Me and my wife had no problems. MIL loves her only daughter. she misses her a lot. and she buys her gifts every week.

 

All that I did was I refused to visit her Mom's place almost everyday/weekend when I planned to take my wife out. MIL even interfered in my plans to celebrate my wife's bday and she planned a large get together of relatives without telling me. I had to cancel all my plans and go with her plan to my wife's bday.

 

MIL wanted to spend free time with her and me. which I didnot like after a few months. that is where she started feeling I am planing to control her daughter.

[Numbheart]

Hmm, I was obviously wrong with my initial thoughts.

From what you have now said, it sounds like her parents like to have a close family bond between them, involving all the family at birthdays, etc.

If she is an only daughter then they are probably protective of her and obviously looking out for her interests, however, they should not interfear with her life and leave her to make her own mistakes and learn from them, unless they see a potential huge problem arrising that they feel requires their intervention.

 

Maybe a rationlised talk between you and her parents (without her being there) would help things, to try and get some point of understanding between you, if they see you only have their daughters best interests at heart and love her as much as you say you do, then perhaps they will leave her to her own devices and her own desicions?.....it may be that this is actually her own desicion and they are just backing her up, but you are viewing it as their intervention?

 

In all honesty, it appears her mother now sees you as a threat to taking her daughter away from her, or coming between them,.... if you convince them that that is the last of your intentions, then things should be starting again on the right footing.

Maybe your wife sees this too and does not want anyone to come between her and her parents, regardless of her feelings for you?...that would explain why she feels the time right now to have a break and re-evaulte the situation.

 

Compromise is always good if understanding is involved between all parties.

[thakurds]

I already did tell her, I am not stopping her completely from going to her Mom but only asked to cut down the number of visits at least when I am at home. I spoke to her parents already, but they say it is too late to talk and reverse any decission of breakup

[thakurds]

Hmm, I was obviously wrong with my initial thoughts.

From what you have now said, it sounds like her parents like to have a close family bond between them, involving all the family at birthdays, etc.

If she is an only daughter then they are probably protective of her and obviously looking out for her interests, however, they should not interfear with her life and leave her to make her own mistakes and learn from them, unless they see a potential huge problem arrising that they feel requires their intervention.

 

Maybe a rationlised talk between you and her parents (without her being there) would help things, to try and get some point of understanding between you, if they see you only have their daughters best interests at heart and love her as much as you say you do, then perhaps they will leave her to her own devices and her own desicions?.....it may be that this is actually her own desicion and they are just backing her up, but you are viewing it as their intervention?

 

In all honesty, it appears her mother now sees you as a threat to taking her daughter away from her, or coming between them,.... if you convince them that that is the last of your intentions, then things should be starting again on the right footing.

Maybe your wife sees this too and does not want anyone to come between her and her parents, regardless of her feelings for you?...that would explain why she feels the time right now to have a break and re-evaulte the situation.

 

Compromise is always good if understanding is involved between all parties.

I think I should write to her and explain my situation and my feelings for her. but I also think, I should keep a No Contact for a few weeks. I am confused. I really need help

[Numbheart]

Personally I never think anything is too late, however, that could be bad advice!

Time can be a great healer and also a great insight to wants and needs, to re-evaluate.

 

When you spoke to her parents, did you make it clear to them that you did not want to come between their bond?

Did you explain why you feel the need to have time alone with her, although this should not really have to be explained to them, if they are half human, they would understand why, however everyone is different, especially protective parents.

 

It also now sounds like you certainly need to talk one to one with your wife, alone, without her parents and cut through the crap of their feelings towards this and get to the heart of her feelings, without their pressure.

You have been with her 2.5 years, surely you must know when she is being 100% truthful with you and when she is telling you something that sounds like it may have come from her parents or half-hearted?

Intelligent questions can cut to the chase before anyone realises whats happening sometimes.....other times people can get deffensive about the questions...only you know your wife, I do not, you know how she will react to certain situations.

Use your best judgement, I am no professional on any of this and do not want to say the wrong thing.

Advice I give to my friends always seems to work, however, if I use my own thoughts in my own situations, it never does!!...go figure!

Love is blind.

If your wife is not prepared to meet you without her parents being present, then that says quite a lot about her and your situation, if it was me, I'd walk from it right away, its just not right.

Just trying to offer an alternative perspective on your situation and hopefuly give you more to think on....I see your anguish, I cannot offer a surefire solution.

[thakurds]

When I spoke to her parents, I told them clearly that I dont have any problem, but I only said I told her to spend time with me as well. I feel left out and lonely when she is not with me.

I wanted to talk to her one on one, but she refuses to talk to me. She says she has already decided to break the relation.

[Numbheart]

Well chap, you are in almost the same position as me at the moment, I feel for you, I really do.

I cannot offer any advice, as I have no clue in my own situation.

When they are in the mindset that they refuse to talk to you and their desicion is final, from my experience, all is lost, it makes no difference what you say or do, however you handle it, if they want to come back to you they will, if they do not, they dont!

You will always question if you did this or that, would things be different, but in all honesty, if their feelings for you were strong, whatever you say or do (to an extent, unless your threatening them, etc then obviously that would have an effect!) will make no difference to them.

 

The way I see things now, is that whatever they think, is what they think, you wont change that, only they can within their own mind....if they refuse to speak to you, then question is this the sort of person you want to be involved with, its selfish, or is it?...are they afraid if they speak to you they will come back for the wrong reasons?...there is no easy answer or way of dealing with this, I know only too well at the moment.

 

I do, however, think you need to confront this as soon as possible, because if this is what she really wants at this point in her life, then you need to accept it and deal with it as soon as possible rather than trying to postpone it.....if its going to happen, its going to happen, delaying it only causes you further pain, added to the pain that its going to take to try and get though it all, but you don't know the future, none of us do, things may well change for the better, they could go worse!

 

I'm sorry my reply is not more positive, if I had answers then I'd probably be back with my ex now!

Time will tell for all of us.

[Woggle]

Do you two have any kids? If not just file for divorce cut your losses and move on. Even if she comes back this time she will leave again and it will nothing but a big headache. Might as well just get it over with and learn to be happy without her.