Fiance says "we became friends"

[confusedinNJ]

This year has started so horribly and opposite the way we had planned. My fiance and I have been together now for 6.5 years. We got engaged last March (on Good Friday). We were both in school together for three years and then I went and got an advanced degree. So for four of the years we were together I was in school. After getting out, I immediately started saving for a ring to propose to her. It took sometime but between bills, etc I saved up $12k and bought a ring. Since the engagement we had been planning our wedding and looking for houses. We decided to get married on Nov. 11, 2006 in Vegas with close friends and family. We also decided in the meantime to buy her brother's house.

Well Jan 30, 2006 my mother committed suicide, so I have been trying to cope with that. She was a very negative influence on my relationship with my fiance, she also caused me much sadness and even depression by how she treated me. Once I got used to her not being here, and the anxiety and stress she put on me, I believed that my relationship with my fiance would grown stronger. No more conversations about where to spend holidays, grief about my mother's demands, etc. So...we came back from my mother's funeral services and sent out our save the dates, etc. We weren't going to let the negative event ruin the whole year. Then we decided to buy her brother's house and I did all the research and prepped everything for it. My fiance then told me she felt that she didnt want to get married in the same year my mother killed herself so she wanted to postpone the wedding so that we'd have time to deal with the emotions. We decided though to still move forward with the house, since everything would work out and we'd be together. The day she signed the final commitment for the bank, she told me we needed to talk and should put the house in her name alone. That she was unsure of how she was feeling and that it would be safer that way. So we did that and things were still okay, we moved into the house and then she started to become very distant from me. Not even being in the house together for a month she tells me that its too difficult seeing the pain in my eyes that she's causing me. We talk and agree that I should move out. We still try to talk, we went to dinner yesterday and she told me that we "became friends," that her heart wasn't missing me as much as she thought it should with me being gone. She cannot say when she started feeling this way, but with my mother's death, things slowed down and she realized the feelings she had were more pronounced. She said that we stopped going out and doing things and that the intimacy had declined. We were always looked big picture and I guess missed the here and now. As far as intimacy, we both have very demanding jobs as professionals, and work 70+hours a week. During the week there wasn't much love making but the weekends, I thought we made up for it. But I would always tocuh and tickle and kiss her. We were always saving for an engagement, saving for the wedding, saving for a house. We tried to be frugal and enjoy the time with each other.

We've had issues before, 2x, but nothing that was ever as severe as this. I am hoping this is like a seven year itch thing. I made so many sacrifices to be with her. After school, I stayed in NJ to be with her. I sacrificed my relationship with my mother that can now never be reconciled.

I have suggested couple's counseling. I cannot imagine just walking away from 6.5 years. That's just about a quarter of my life that I have known and loved her. She says she still loves be but is just unsure of what she feels. Am I silly? Should I try counseling or just move on? I am trying to cope with my mother's death and this at the same time. I could not imagine this year would turn out so horribly. I feel so empty and cold inside. I can not believe that a relationship this long could not be helped by talking to someone impartial?

[Nobel]

Don't.

If she is that important to you, don't bow out.

I am going through some issues as as well, and felt like it was the end at some points, but I had/have faith in my love for her and our relationship that I do what I can to keep it together.

If you both love each other, that is the most important thing, and you can go from there.

I find communication is the MOST important thing, keeping feelings bottled up works against both you.

Really talk it out and you may be surprised to find out things you did not know.

All the best to you.

[sirjay]

All longterm relationships take work - if left to themselves, there is always the chance that what happened to you two can happen, and life can just get in the way.

 

However, i really feel that you two can work it out but you both have to be convinced that it is worth it and understand the above. Counselling would be a good idea and it might be a good idea to get some info from the web. There are good marriage sites if you google with a lot of info on how to rekindle things, even after something major like an affair.

 

Good luck with it and dont give up!

[bab]

I'm going to take a stab at what she is feeling. The two of you have been together for a long time. With any relationship the passion has it's ebb and flows. Right now you are in an ebb. But you are engaged. This is the biggest decision of your life. And by the amount that you saved for the engagement ring, she probably has some very romantic ideas about how this is suppossed to feel. And it doesn't. You got engaged and it should be bringing back all those giddy feelings that you had in the very beginning of the relationship. But because of your mother's death, those feelings don't come. She feels numb. She tells herself that because she feels numb, it must mean that this isn't right for her. She has convinced herself that if she doesn't have all those warm fuzzy feelings while being engaged, she will never have them again if she marries you. This isn't necessarily true though. It's okay to go through ebbing times where you don't feel warm and fuzzy about each other, especially after such a long courtship period. If you love her, don't let her go. Talk to her.

[lostinyouth]

Don't pressure her into marriage. If she wants to postpone the wedding, postpone it. I understand what it is like to lose your mother. It's something that I am still working through 9 years after the fact. It takes time to heal and it sounds like she wants you to heal some before you commit. It sounds like you could have a very prosperous marriage, but you need to focus on who you are and how you want to live your life. Ignoring the intimate needs of your partner is not exceptable. I agree communication is very important to any relationship. But then again hind sight is 20 20. Learn from the mistakes of others and know that God has a plan.

[Outcast]

I think you should print Bab's post out and give it to her and say it was from an article or something because I think Bab is dead on.