Is it too late for us?

[Guest]

Hello,

First time posting here. But I think a lot of people have gone through what I am going through. Okay here goes, I have been in a relationship with my s.o. for 5 years now. We are really good for each other, and the relationship has been great! We are both supportive of each other, laugh alot, share alot, he is basically my best friend and a good man. Here is the catch, when we first started dating, he did not ask me to be his girlfriend for a full year. None of us was seeing other people, but at the time, I remember being very frustrated and insecure about it. Throughout the years I have always felt that I work harder at the relationship, but I know that he trys, and its just me as a person, who has to give 110% in everything I do including my relationship.

 

Anyway, about 3.5 years into our relationship I started feeling like this was the man I could marry, we kind of talked about it, but never really like we are going to end up together, but hypothetically about marriage and what it means to us. At that time, while shopping, he even asked me about what kind of engagement ring I would like, and so on. I also know that he went shopping with a friend of mine, looking at engagement rings but did not buy anything.

 

Anyway, fast forward 1.5 years later, and nothing. I have brought up the subject of whether he thinks I am the one he would marry often, he always says that he could imagine a life with me, but has never indicated that that is what he wants ultimately. About half a year ago, I broke down and cried (a little drunk) and asked him if it was too much to ask that he knows that I am the one. He said that he doesnt know and is not sure, that he loves me and does not want to lose me, but he is not there. There are other times, I have asked "Are you going to marry me" and he basically did not answer, or just looked at me, like why are you asking me that question?

 

This has come up a number of times since then. We are now in a long distance relationship, he had to move for family reasons. And he has had to start over again, he is job hunting and all. Its been really hard for us, now that it is long distance. But even harder for me, because of the marriage issue. I have brought it up a few times, but he always kind of dismisses it, and says I worry too much, and I should take one day at a time.

 

I am going to see him in a few weeks, we have not seen each other in 3 months. And I have a lot of conflicted emotions. I hate the person that I have become. Marriage is always on my mind and I am always insecure about why he has not proposed. I am not good enough? e.t.c. Lately, I have been getting the feeling that since he has never told me that I am the person he wants to marry, that maybe it is never going to happen. And if it does happen now, it is only because he knows how unhappy I am about the whole thing.

 

I have always known I want a man to be absolute about wanting to marry me. Here is my question. Should I walk away because of how I feel? That a proposal now, would only be because he felt obligated to. His family really likes me, and I know his mum and sister have been asking him the same thing, when are we going to get married? I love him, a lot, and I know he feels the same way, but I feel like he is dilly dallying in case something better comes along. Should I just let it go? I feel that if I do stay and he proposes, I will always feel insecure about why we got married. I feel like its almost too late, the time for him to have made a decision has passed.

 

Any thoughts? Words of advice?

 

Distraught and In Love.

[Guest]

Hi Just wondering if anyone could provide some insight/ advice to my post above. I know that my story is similar to a lot of people, but would love a view point of my own situation.

Please help if you can.

 

Distraught and In Love.

[Mirage222]

Sorry your going through this with your s/o. You cannot go on as being the "milk" which it sounds like you are not. He loves you but not sure if he wants you as his future. He likes the way things are now.. he does not seem like the commited type. It does not matter if you get along with his family or he-yours, what is important that you and he are 110% happy in your relationship. He does not seem like the type of guy to take ultimative or communication well for that matter.

 

How old is he? Don't worry I am not going to go on with the "your too young spheal" but just curious as men mature slower. You could be ready and secure and he could be just a bit immature still. Now, if you tell me he is 35-40 .. well, time for you to move on then!

[scobro]

Why do you feel the need to get married so much?If you guys are in a LD relationship will him proposing change anything? will it bring him to you or you moving to him?.Seems to me that if he moved away so did any chance at him proposing because if he was so into marriage and proposing he wouldn't have left or would have asked you along with him or he would have already done it by now.

[sophia34]

The answer to this one seems easy, though I'm sure not simple to do. If you and he are long-distance, and you want to get married but he doesn't, it seems that you (and he) can simply keep your options open.

 

That is, make it clear to him that you love him and would love to marry him at this point if he also wanted to get married. BUT since that isn't what he wants, tell him that you don't plan to wait around for him to the exclusion of everyone else. Make it clear that you will now consider yourself single and begin dating people again--including him.

 

In dating others, you may find someone with whom you are just as compatible and who you come to love who DOES want to marry you. Maybe you and and your current guy will even remain friends. Problem solved. OR in dating other people, he may come to the realization that HE really loves you and wants to marry you. Problem solved.

 

Or the two of you may drift apart, because he never wanted to marry you and probably never would have and you'll have to move on from the relationship completely Again, problem solved (although not in the way you may have wanted).

[NatoPMT]

Instead of asking him if he wants to marry you, have you asked him whats holding him back? If you approach this emotionally, it may well be hard for him to react truthfully and objectively. He will feel guilt that he isnt giving you what you want and he will feel cornered when you ask him if hes going to propose.

 

It seems your behaviour between you both on this subject is well entrenched now. Youve both formed your roles and the roles are creating lack of real communication between you as you both keep going round in circles asking the same questions and giving the same answers. The route its taking you is to frustration and resentment on both sides.

 

Imagine how frustrated you feel? Thats how he feels too.

 

By going round in circles, its like a comfort zone - you both know what the other has to say, so a very potentially flammable situation is being kept simmering under the safety of this repetition. One of you has to break this deadlock, and you are saying you will break it with ending the relationship.

 

My advise is to work on fixing whats wrong in the relationship, not work on papering over the cracks with a proposal - a) he's saying the proposal is not going to happen, and b) if it did, it wouldnt fix what was wrong between you anyway.

 

Id also advise you to think about what you are giving up. If i ever start thinking down the lines you are thinking, i always put it in proportion by imagining which would i rather have, my SO or a proposal. My SO wins hands down everytime. Hes not there to fulfil an imagined role:

 

I have always known I want a man to be absolute about wanting to marry me.

 

What man? A man you have created in fantasy? Your partner is a real person, he's not there to tick all the boxes. If you cant imagine your partner being good enough for you if he doesnt propose, if all this:

 

We are really good for each other, and the relationship has been great! We are both supportive of each other, laugh alot, share alot, he is basically my best friend and a good man.

 

isnt enough, then end it.