my ex wants back but now I'm not sure I want to

[hmm111]

My ex and I have been together 5 years..she broke up with me about 6 months ago because I didn't give enough attention to the relationship and to her... and I did no contact for about the last 3 months. We are both in our early 20s. So a few days ago, she called me saying she misses me and loves me and was crying most of the conversation...that a lot of things remind her of me and she can't shake it and can't seem to move on.

 

I was getting along fine without her finally after a while of heartache and was very surprised to hear from her since she was very cold to me even months after the breakup. The thing is that she has been dating while I have chosen not to because seeking another relationship at this time was the last thing I wanted...and I was still very much in love with her and thought dating could ruin any future chances. She says there are big shoes to fill so its hard to replace me and most of the guys she meets have motives.

 

What bugged me was that in our last phone conversation, some guy/guys kept calling her so she would switch to the other line while I wait for 5-10 minutes each time. It was something I was not use to with her because when we were together, she had mostly girl friends but since then she has met a lot of guys that call her and hang out with her on a consistent basis and she has told me some of them do in fact have a thing for her. I guess you can say I tend to get jealous but I'm afraid that if we do get back together, I'm gonna have a difficult time dealing with this. I also am having a hard time dealing with the fact that she has dated because I thought she only wanted some space away from a relatoinship and not actually attempt to seek another one.

 

She thinks I have moved on and forgotten about her....in all honesty, I have been somewhat bitter about what i have found out from her and have been very reluctant to pursue anything more. I feel kinda betrayed and disappointed with her dating. I know being jealous is not right, but I dont know if i'll be able to deal with it. What should I do here? Any opinions?

[KittenMoon]

Well, I think there are 3 questions you need to ask yourself:

 

1) Do YOU want her back?

 

2) What questions need to be adressed and what changes, adjustments, attonements, etc etc would need to happen in order for you two to establish what went wrong initially and for you to give her a second chance?

 

3) Do you think she will make the effort to adhere to those changes, adjustments, attonements, etc etc.

[daphne]

what she said.

 

However it sounds like she left because you weren't giving her what she needed in the relationship. This usually means affection, attention and love. Pretty simple s*** but lots of guys don't get it.

 

If you do want her back you need to ask yourself if you think you can make her happy and if you want to. If you can't, there's no reason to go back because you'll end up at the same place. Both parties need to get their needs met to be happy.

 

As far as teh jealousy, as hard as it is to take, it's better for them to date others to see what you had to offer. Especially if it was 6 months. It gives the person a renewed appreciation for hwat you do bring to the table. I wouldn't ask for details and if you can't forgive her and completely let it go I wouldn't try to get back with her. I know guys who get back with the girl and let it fester and then withhold even more attention. The girl usually leaves after that.

 

She didn't cheat on you, you weren't together. I know it really really sucks but you have to let it go or don't go back.

[hmm111]

I have no doubt in my mind that I would be a better partner because it usually takes a breakup to get someone to come back to reality and to realize the important aspects of love and relationships. I do know the things that went wrong before so I know that if we do get back together, things would be a million times better.

 

I do have a hard time dealing with her dating but thats already done with and already happened.. its more about the close relationships that she has formed with these guys that I know would probably continue even after we get back together. And knowing that some of them actually had a thing for her makes it even harder. Shes also told me that some of them had told her to move on and forget about me but she doesnt listen because she feels they have motives for saying that in the first place. Being in this situation makes me feel like i'm competing with the others...and even if we do get back togehter, im afraid i might still feel that way if they are around.

 

I really do want this to work again with her and for once it seems like she wants it too..and I know that things would be better the next time around...but now these new problems have started affecting me big time..and I can't be selfish and tell her that I'm not comfortable with her talking and getting close to all these other guys...so I'm hesitant that things will completely work out because of this.

[garnet]

the thing that stood out the most to me in your email was how she kept you waiting for 5 or 10 minutes while she talked to someone else. I don't care who she's talking to, that's rude. I'd hang up next time if I were you. Don't let her take you for granted.

[shelters]

Take it s l o w. Have a few conversations where you both really communicate your needs and spend time listening to each other. Then take some time to think about it some more. Don't make any rush decisions. Start with the friendship you both had/have as your foundation and build upon it from there.

[radiation7740]

My advice is if you decide to take her back then take it slow. Don't have any physical contact beyond hugging for the first month or so. Don't spend the night with her right away. Start out as friends first. Treat this like a new relationship.

 

I had the opposite problem that caused my ex to break up with me. I was clingy in the relationship. By the time she wanted to try again I turned her down because I wanted to keep the power on my side. I would wait 1-2 weeks before making a decision about reconciling if I were you. If she wants you back then the ball is in your court now. You have the power now so use it wisely.

 

I really don't know what else to tell you since the break up was caused by your lack of attentiveness to the relationship. I'm usually good about giving advice to guys who got dumped for smothering & being clingy with their woman.

[batesal]

I also am having a hard time dealing with the fact that she has dated because I thought she only wanted some space away from a relatoinship and not actually attempt to seek another one.

 

 

In order to have a 2nd chance with her you have to let this go. She left you cause she wanted to see other people and not hurt you at the same time, or she was already seeing other people and you don't know it. Yeah of course she has more guy friends, and it will be very hard to trust someone who hurt you. Before you get back together, you need to have a talk with her and lay out some guidelines. If she loves you and cares about you she will agree to them. Otherwise she might be using you. You also have to understand that snice she has more guy friends than girl friends, she will be hanging out more with men and women. You need to be prepared for that.

 

There are alot of things you need to make sure you are ready to deal with, if you want her back, or she wants you back. Think about it, imagine it in your head, or talk to your friends about it and see what happens. No matter what, I know you will make the right decision, mostly because your heart will tell you.

 

GL!!!

[hmm111]

Thanks for all the advice guys but I found out something today that I think probably sealed my decision. I had dinner with her brother today and he disclosed to me that since their parents were out of the country on vacation, she usually had her guy friends over a lot. One guy friend in particular was practically living there and to my surprise, sleeping in her room on her bed with her...and the door was usually closed at night...he stays there because its closer to the university they both attend....this has been going on for about a month now. This friend was also one of the guys she mentioned that had a thing for her. I had thought she had always known better but I guess anything can happen. I don't know if anything happened but I do know that I don't think its right for them to be sharing a bed...there were plenty of sofas around...and just the thought of it has already cleaned it up for me. I don't know why she would do things like this and at the same time contact me hoping to get things started again....so many twists in life.