Unreasonable or No?

[tinktronik]

I have a question, but first ,I'll give some back story.

 

 

My mother was abusive as I grew up ,so I've long-time avoided her and been honest about the circumstances of my childhood, in retaliation , my mother attacks me to my father's family or anyone really, making up things and turning little things into huge issues. My half-sister , well call her J , has always been my mothers devotee (at least when my Mom is around, when shes not, My half-sister can't say enough bad about her) .Anyway, durring my divorce my mother decided to circulate a story that I was a drug addict ( this is not true ,I don't even drink but about twice a year) , well if it had just been my mother people would not have belived her , but my sister backed her up .They even went so far as to drive out of their way over a hundred miles to tell my father's father (they have no connection with my father's family and hadn't spoke to him in 15 years) that I was doing drugs . I've never understood why my sister would join ranks with my mother .

There was an instance where when I drove a mini-van, an old bottle had rolled up under one of the seats and been forgotten , untill one day I was at my sister's house unloading my kids and I found the bottle , ofcourse I threw it away .Well my sister told everyone that I was feeding my kids rotten food .My youngest had been off the bottle more than three months at this time , so obviously the bottle was not being used. I know I should have been more careful , and cleaned the car out more thorougly, but I was juggling 3 boys under five and a full time job , by myself with absolutly no help from "my family".My sister has told many people that I lived in a terrible place , and that I kept it dirty , but she had never been to my home!

As a result of the propaganda, I was left with not enough money for an attorney and relatives that wouldn't help me with money because they had been told I was on drugs and that I fed my kids rotten food. This still makes me so angry. Durring our seperation period my ex taunted me by telling me my mother and sister were going to go to court for him in our divorce (he knew the things they were saying weren't true ,he even told me that he'd told them he knew they weren't true) .He told me that if I fought him in court , he'd pull my mother ,sister and social services into court and I'd lose all rights and never see the kids again. So I didn't fight , I gave him primary custody and got visitation for myself , I pay support , and we alternate holidays.

The thing that I'm so upset about now, is that at a time when I'm cannot be with my kids because of our custody arrangement , my sister is barbequing with my ex-husband at his home and hanging out with my kids it just makes me so mad . Not to mention I'm afraid she'll say something to my kids about me. Am I being unreasonable?

[jhurtinct]

can;t you find a way to get an attorney or start saving now for one? There are drug tests you can offer to take after explaining how you were bribed out of your kids.

 

that is a rotten thing that has happened and I am sorry your dealing with it, it must be so hard.

 

Maybe you can see a counselor about your past and get letters from people who know you and would vouch for your behalf.

 

Its sounds like your 1/2 sister was just going along for the ride so she could move in on your life. What a peice of SH. That would probably go against her charactor if she tried to use those things against your in court, and again willing going to counseling and willing offering drug test how would thier statements hold up?

 

NO YOUR NOT BEING UNREASONABLE, I'm sorry for your situation.

[Alexandra]

From what I read from you so far, you're a very strong and intelligent lady hence I'm sure you know the answer to this one. Of course you're not unreasonable, you're reacting to wrong being done to you. How else could you react? By forgiving and forgetting? Maybe you can do that as well in time if you feel you need to and I suspect you would have already started on that path had this not been a present situation by how the people that slandered you are around your children.

 

Is there any way you can reason with them at least to the degree that you make them understand you would not stand to have your children taught ugly untrue stories about you? I had a client once that sued his wife's brother for constantly lieing to his daughter about him. It wasn't an easy path and it's drained him but it stopped the individual from seeing his daughter and put his mind at ease.

[Curmudgeon]

No, of course not. You're not at all unreasonable. You happen to have been cursed with several toxic adults in your life. Unfortunately, that's spilled over to your children and I find that nothing less than criminal. I received much the same treatment from the ex and her cohorts in divorce and as a result, didn't even see my two youngest daughters more than three or four times over the course of 10 years. That's how severe the alienation became.

 

Without a good attorney I'm not quite sure what you can do at this stage. I will tell you, however, karma works. Suffice it to say that I now have very lovely and loving relationships with all five of my children while the ex has virtually none and had to tuck her tail between her legs and run off 500 miles to be near her mother and sister two years ago when I finally wrested custody of my youngest away from her.

 

Never give up hope, Tink, and always keep the faith.

 

As for your mother and sister, family is no excuse for acting badly and as an adult, you're under no obligation, whatsoever, to permit toxic people to hurt you. Stay away from them, don't acknowledge them, have nothing to do with them. Your children will come around. After all you're their mother.

[tinktronik]

can;t you find a way to get an attorney or start saving now for one? There are drug tests you can offer to take after explaining how you were bribed out of your kids..

 

What my ex did was rotten , but what my mother and half-sister did was worse. My ex is not such a bad father , after lots of mistakes where I was ready to go to court over them he seems to have straightened up as far as the kids are concerned.He spends time with them and seems to be there for them emotionally.For a long time , he pawned them off on other relations .There has been some question of his job stability , and I have made it clear to him that if I feel his life is unstable we will go into court again.

Money is no longer an issue for an attorney as I have a career and can now afford one, but the kids seem at least for the moment to be doing well so unless I'm sure fighting will be in their best interest, I won't do it.

 

that is a rotten thing that has happened and I am sorry your dealing with it, it must be so hard.

 

Maybe you can see a counselor about your past and get letters from people who know you and would vouch for your behalf.

 

Its sounds like your 1/2 sister was just going along for the ride so she could move in on your life. What a peice of SH. That would probably go against her charactor if she tried to use those things against your in court, and again willing going to counseling and willing offering drug test how would thier statements hold up?

 

NO YOUR NOT BEING UNREASONABLE, I'm sorry for your situation.

Thankyou for your condolences for my situation, I've considered going to counciling about this because ofcourse there is more but whenever I bring the situation up I grip it and can't seem to let it go, so I leave it alone instead. I would ofcourse be willing to drug test but I'm not sure if my ex would be as nasty this time or even suggest such a thing as me being on drugs because I'm no longer under the "abused wife " influence .

[tinktronik]

From what I read from you so far, you're a very strong and intelligent lady hence I'm sure you know the answer to this one. Of course you're not unreasonable, you're reacting to wrong being done to you. How else could you react? By forgiving and forgetting? Maybe you can do that as well in time if you feel you need to and I suspect you would have already started on that path had this not been a present situation by how the people that slandered you are around your children.

 

Is there any way you can reason with them at least to the degree that you make them understand you would not stand to have your children taught ugly untrue stories about you? I had a client once that sued his wife's brother for constantly lieing to his daughter about him. It wasn't an easy path and it's drained him but it stopped the individual from seeing his daughter and put his mind at ease.

Thankyou about the strong and intelligent bit. It helps . I don't know that I could ever forgive and forget, my mother does have a mental illness (BPD) but I don't find that excuse enough for what went on in my childhood much less my adult life, I tend to be her target and find it much easier to stay out of her sphere.I think more than anything , her refusal to admit the things she did is what hinders it the most , she just pretends it never happened.

 

My sister is a whole different story , I just cannot comprehend why she behaves this way. I do not know for a fact that that she continues to slander me in front of my boys , but I know its been considered "dinner conversation" before. I don't think my ex is allowing it at this point simply because I am not as cowled as I once was , and he dose'nt want to continually go to court over and over again. But I do know that my sister makes talking badly about just about anyone her hobby , so either way , I'm not really sure . I have talked to my ex about not allowing my children to be around my mother or sister and the only point we have agreed upon is to never leave them alone with either one.

[tinktronik]

No, of course not. You're not at all unreasonable. You happen to have been cursed with several toxic adults in your life. Unfortunately, that's spilled over to your children and I find that nothing less than criminal. I received much the same treatment from the ex and her cohorts in divorce and as a result, didn't even see my two youngest daughters more than three or four times over the course of 10 years. That's how severe the alienation became.

 

Without a good attorney I'm not quite sure what you can do at this stage. I will tell you, however, karma works. Suffice it to say that I now have very lovely and loving relationships with all five of my children while the ex has virtually none and had to tuck her tail between her legs and run off 500 miles to be near her mother and sister two years ago when I finally wrested custody of my youngest away from her.

 

Never give up hope, Tink, and always keep the faith.

 

As for your mother and sister, family is no excuse for acting badly and as an adult, you're under no obligation, whatsoever, to permit toxic people to hurt you. Stay away from them, don't acknowledge them, have nothing to do with them. Your children will come around. After all you're their mother.

I'm so sorry that you had so many problems reguarding your children.I'm not sure that there is anything more painful than not putting your kids to bed every night , or knowing how they change from week to week . I do travel to CA every couple of months durring the school year , and visit with my boys ,I have them durring the summers, and I read them their bedtime story every night via telephone . I do think that as my children age and come to an age to decide for themselves , they will choose to live with me as I am the parent that gets them involved in sports and spends time with them ,Listens when they need to talk and kisses their booboo's when I can . Dad is getting better at being a parent , but at the moment his situation could go either way , depending on his marrige and his carreer .He only seems to want to parent our kids when he is in a relationship .

It does hurt more b/c it was my family that did much of the damage to me.For a couple of years , I didn't speak to my mother or sister ,but slowly they have crept back into my life and I find myself kicking myself for it.

[Curmudgeon]

Tink, both my wife and I were only children. My parents were almost impossible and I broke from them for many years. i finally tried again and it worked after a fashion. Unfortunately, they've been gone for almost 20 years.

 

My wife's mother is the worst and we both disengaged from her years ago and have nothing to do with her, even though she's elderly and lives 20 minutes away. There's no having a relationship with her. We keep tabs through others but that's it.

 

You're doing everything right with your boys, under the circumstances, and, thankfully, your ex is obviously cooperating in that regard by not blocking contact as the ex did.

 

It's all going to work out for you, and them. You have every reason to be hopeful.

 

My girls only turned to me when their mother became insufferable. Of course, that might be why I divorced her but I don't tell them that. I believe that children deserve to have their own, uninfluenced relationships with both their parents and the opportunity to know them on their own terms, not someone else's.

 

Please don't get sucked back into your mother's and sister's delusions.

[tinktronik]

Tink, both my wife and I were only children. My parents were almost impossible and I broke from them for many years. i finally tried again and it worked after a fashion. Unfortunately, they've been gone for almost 20 years.

 

My wife's mother is the worst and we both disengaged from her years ago and have nothing to do with her, even though she's elderly and lives 20 minutes away. There's no having a relationship with her. We keep tabs through others but that's it.

 

You're doing everything right with your boys, under the circumstances, and, thankfully, your ex is obviously cooperating in that regard by not blocking contact as the ex did.

 

It's all going to work out for you, and them. You have every reason to be hopeful.

 

My girls only turned to me when their mother became insufferable. Of course, that might be why I divorced her but I don't tell them that. I believe that children deserve to have their own, uninfluenced relationships with both their parents and the opportunity to know them on their own terms, not someone else's.

 

Please don't get sucked back into your mother's and sister's delusions.

Thankyou C , I really do hope I'm doing the right things for my boys .

 

I don't know if I'll ever have a relationship with my mother or sister , probably not , I too get "warnings " if my mother is around and everyone knows not to disclose where I live to her. I've talked to my father , he was terrified to have a relationship with me for a long time ( untill a year or so ago) because he was afraid it would somehow put my mothers attention on him , but that is going well now .I've tried talking with my grandparents , but how do you explain to elderly people that your mother and sister make up stories to damage you for no apparent reason , and they just can't seem to make reason of it . My mothers family is afraid to invite and of my mothers children around because she minght show up too , so they've pretty much written me and all of my siblings off , but I can't really blame them. I would imagine this is not uncommon for the children of the mentally ill . I don't plan on getting involved with my mother or sister again , but it's so hard to have no close family , it's very much like being an orphan , however I know things are simply "safer " without them.Thankyou.

[tinktronik]

I wanted to thank all who posted here. I really needed to hear that I wasn't just overreacting , even if I know in my heart that I wasn't . Sometimes its easier to cope if you can just get your thoughts/experiences out for others to hear . But again Thanks.