Re: Should I tell her or not?

[maya97]

Me and my girlfriend are working out a long distance relationship right now. We see each other about once every couple of months. She is the total love of my life, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. We made love for the first time only a month and a half ago, and it was at that moment that I felt the most complete of my life. There is only one problem though. Before I met her when I was in the ninth grade, I met a girl and lost my virginity to her. Now it is four years after that experience, and I want to spend the restof my life with my current girlfriend. The problem is, I told her that I was a virgin, and I know that she was too before we had sex. I believe in second time virginity, but she is always thanking me for the gift that I supposedly gave her. I have almost indulged myself into actually thinking that I really did give her my virginity, even though I didn't. We have talked about this: "what if I was not a virgin, would you still have made love to me??" Her answer was no. That is why I feel so bad. She would have never had sex with me if I would have told her that I made a mistake in my past. I would love more than anything to give her what she gave me, so should I just keep my mouth shut and not say anything, or destroy our relationship, even though I actually feel like I did give her my virginity in reality?? Please, I need some serious help. Many responses would be greatly appreciated.

[maya97]

 

Dear oh no,

 

please do not tell her. there is no point to telling her other than to clear your conscience. the only person who would feel better would be you. she would feel betrayed and perhaps "raped".

 

there are those who would protest my advice by saying that if you love someone you shouldn't keep secrets from them. i agree with that only if it served an unselfish motive. the true motive behind you wanting to tell her is to relieve yourself of some guilt. it will not bring you closer. it would not make her respect you more. it would not solve a problem, because as far as she knows there isn't one.

 

you have not cheated on her; for if you had that would present a whole new set of problems and in that case you should be honest (in order to resolve an underlying problem). there is no problem. however, if you can not live with your dishonesty, tell her and be prepared to lose her (or at least her trust in you).

[shadow]

Me and my girlfriend are working out a long distance relationship right now. We see each other about once every couple of months. She is the total love of my life, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. We made love for the first time only a month and a half ago, and it was at that moment that I felt the most complete of my life. There is only one problem though. Before I met her when I was in the ninth grade, I met a girl and lost my virginity to her. Now it is four years after that experience, and I want to spend the restof my life with my current girlfriend. The problem is, I told her that I was a virgin, and I know that she was too before we had sex. I believe in second time virginity, but she is always thanking me for the gift that I supposedly gave her. I have almost indulged myself into actually thinking that I really did give her my virginity, even though I didn't. We have talked about this: "what if I was not a virgin, would you still have made love to me??" Her answer was no. That is why I feel so bad. She would have never had sex with me if I would have told her that I made a mistake in my past. I would love more than anything to give her what she gave me, so should I just keep my mouth shut and not say anything, or destroy our relationship, even though I actually feel like I did give her my virginity in reality?? Please, I need some serious help. Many responses would be greatly appreciated.

Dear oh no,

 

I somewhat agree with what maya97 said, but then I thought about how I'd feel if I was your girlfriend. I guess on one hand what she doesn't know won't hurt her, but then again, it might hurt you...leading to problems in the relationship down the road. Since it's been 4 years since your truly lost your virginity, you could tell your girlfriend that it's in the past & there's no way to change it. After all, your current girfried has nothing to do with the girl 4 yrs. ago, right? I hope you can understand my point of view. I just think that your girlfriend would be more hurt not knowing the truth than knowing what really happened. If you decide to tell her, stress that you really felt like a "born again virgin" if that's how you feel. And let her know that no matter what happened 4 yrs. ago, what happened between the 2 of you is very special to you. I hope my opinion has helped you...best wishes & take care!

 

shadow

[dl]

My personal opinion is that you should NOT tell her. Easing your guilt is a selfish motive and will not do anything good for your relationship. You cannot "give her what she gave you" because you gave that away four years ago. Learn to live with the fact that you did this four years ago, when probably very young and that everyone make mistakes and forgive yourself. You sound like a very responsible, caring and loving person - telling your girlfiend now will only cause mistrust between the two of you and is not worth it. It says alot about the kind of person you appear to be by your concern about this and is refreshing to hear from a guy. But it always seems that a girl/woman losing her virginity is a much bigger emotional deal than for a guy - right or wrong, it seems that's the way it is. Telling her about your experience 4 years ago will take the "blush off the rose" and cause her to doubt herself and you.

 

Just my 2 cents...