Can anyone shed some light?

[Guest]

Hi there, this is gonna be long, bear with me!

 

You know when you try to explain your relationship to someone, and you feel there is just TOO much mention (small details like things said/minor incidents, petty stuff anyway.)?

 

I am an 18 year old girl, im gay but comfortable with it! I've been with my girlfriend since April of last year, and its been a bit of a bumpy ride...

I first met her in a nightclub about 19 months ago and from the minute I met her I was mesmerised. I chased after her for ages with no avail, but I was determined we would eventually be together.

 

We ended up hanging out together and becoming really good friends, although I still really liked her I never mentioned anything as I didnt want to scare her off. She stayed with me quite a lot and we just chilled together, watching DVD's and stuff, we both enjoyed each others company.

Eventually, I found out through a mutual friend that she thought she might have feelings for me. We ended up kissing one night after having a drink and everything blossomed from there!

 

When we first started seeing each other, I felt didnt have enough time for me. She has always been a kind of free spirit and likes to drift about and do as she pleases. But I felt there was something lacking that I needed from her, some kind of attention. Anyway, we had been together a while and everything was going ok, but it wasn't perfect. One night we ended up going out clubbing together with friends. There was a really pretty girl who I was very attracted to, she kept looking at me and trying to get my attention. We ended up talking and I kissed her, I didn't regret it at the time. When we left the club my girlfriend turned to me and told me she had kissed someone, (the girl was straight), but that she was sorry, then as a reflex I turned round and told her I had too, but it was because I had seen her kiss someone too (which wasn't true). There was some negativity between us about it for a few days, but it wasn't a big deal although I was extremely angry, but with no right to be.

 

I continued to secretly keep in touch with this girl I had kissed as we exchanged number, I even met her once (which my girlfriend doesnt know about), which I sorely regret. I even kept my phone out of sight from my girlfriend so she wouldn't see the messages.

We ended up breaking up one night while out having a drink. I was really hurt and didnt want it to happen. We spoke about the next again day but she was adamant it was what she wanted. For the next few weeks she still came and saw me basically everyday, and I would badger her to take me back but she was having none of it. Then one night we were at the same club and she had met up with her ex girlfriend. I had a bad feeling that something was going to happen between them. She ended up taking her home with her and she slept with (it took her about 2-3 months to admit that this had happened). So about a week later the girl I had met in club came out for a drink with me and my friends and one of hers, then they came back to mine. We had a good night, we kissed a couple of times but nothing really happened on my behalf because I was still pining for my ex. The next day my ex came up as we were going to a friends together, I went in the bath and left her waiting, and when I came out she had a face like thunder! The girl I was with had been scribbling her name and doodling on a bit of paper, which my ex found. She ignored me at my friends all night, and we stayed there, and when I woke up in the morning she said she wanted me back, I think she got a bit of a fright.

 

So we ended up getting back together after a while, and everything was good, she even seemed like she wanted me and cared for me so much more than ever. She moved in with me and it was all good.

 

We ended up arguing again, for a few reasons.

 

1) She cried to me and told me she wasn't over her ex. She has constantly talked about this girl throughout our entire relationship, even though it hurts me so much to even hear her name, because I KNOW she cares more about this girl than she ever will me.

 

2) Because we were arguing and something was still lacking, I kept in touch with the girl from the club, but only on an occasional basis.

 

3) Because I was still in touch with the girl she would constantly be angry at me.

 

More recently, we broke up, and she was with another girl. We had left on bad terms, and I decided, and obviously she had as well, that it would be a clean break. I was doing well without her, which is very unusual because normally I'm a crying mess. But after about a week she text me and said that she wanted me to go visit her, and it was just a friendly thing, she just needed to see me. We just sat and hugged for ages and I didnt want to leave her. We ended up getting back together without discussing anything, which was a very bad a idea.

 

We were arguing literally everyday, and the arguments were very heated. Recently, she has been violent towards me. We had a drunken argument and she flew for me, leaving me with half of my front tooth broken of, a swollen/bruised cheek and scratches all over face. This had started being a regular occurence, although it was never as bad as the first time. It seems she cant control her temper when she gets angry, and we both end up crying hysterically.

 

The relationship has now got to the point where almost nothing good comes of it. I am not allowed to visit certain places, or go and see or speak to certain people, (including one of my best friends from highschool and my cousin) because it makes her feel uncomfortable, and she is worried I leave her because those people do not have the best opinion on her and they might try and sway me.

 

All the while, she is allowed to go anywhere she wants, and speak to anyone she wants. I have said on a few occasions that her speaking to certain people makes me uncomfortable, but nothing is ever done about it.

 

I feel worn out, and even though I have written so much, there is so much that I KNOW I have missed out, but I would be here all day typing if I mentioned everything. I just dont know what to think about my relationship anymore. Sometimes I find myself questioning whether its love or hate?