The "good" old days

[Pyro]

I feel pretty damn isolated still but it is getting better, slowly.

 

Good deal. Once you start accomplishing some of your goals, it will all fall into place, at least IME.

[basscatcher]

No. How can you know about something without trying it?

 

Cat-it seems like you have a little bit of an illusion regarding what fun is..

 

I am 37 yrs old. I have never done a drug (illegal or used illegally) in my life.... I don't feel like I'm missing out on the fun of the mind blowing high.. Shyt I can give that to myself by making the decision to be goofy, crazy, loud, obnoxious and just act plain wierd when I chose too.. My son swears I'm on drugs sometimes because I just chose to act goofy. VERY GOOFY..

 

All it takes is just acting stupid then you laugh at yourself. The mix of embarraseement and the response you get from whoever is around is a high naturally.. Ever heard the term dumb-blonde.. Pretend to be one sometime..

 

I've seen a drug overdose up close and personal when I was in grade school and the first time in college I was a part of getting a guy to throw up all the damn sleeping pills he popped with a case of wine coolers. He was stoned out of his mind and then drinking and sleepig pills. Shyt. We had to get him to vomit. It wasn't fun. We were all under 21 and partying. We didn't want to call the cops or ambulance...

 

Just watching from the side lines of this type of lifestyle is scary... You need to open your eyes a little bit more.. Your bit of desire might be you ticket to hell. I think all persons who got caught up in it didn't think they'd become addicted. It was curiousity and the thought "just one time" in the beginning...

 

I've read your posts and you seem to almost glamourize the party of it.. Wake up..

 

Sorry if I am speaking overboard but the sense I got from your posts concern me.

[blind_otter]

I was at a house party once and this girl keeled over. She looked dead. The worst part was when everyone was arguing about who would drive her to the ER because everyone was high.

 

But I will say this -- no naturally occuring high has ever approached the highs that I got from drugs. I'm just saying.

 

Once I took these green JB's - ecstasy. All the guys rolled like crazy off of them, but all the girls got sick. I was spiking a temp of like 105 degrees and hallucinating and puking constantly. Someone got the bright idea to get me to huff a lot of nitrous to lower my body temp? It doesn't make any sense now, either.

 

I ended up having to sit in the bathtub under a cold shower drinking water and puking until the drugs got out of my syster. THen what did I do a week later? Take some pills called "peaches". Genius.

[basscatcher]

But I will say this -- no naturally occuring high has ever approached the highs that I got from drugs. I'm just saying.

 

For someone who has never experienced that high of a high and are considering experimenting; it wouldn't be good for that person to hear this. It only feeds the curiosity.

 

I prefer a natural high. I wouldn't want to experience getting sick and feeling so out of control of things in my life for that time. Let alone the risk of addiction.

 

I've been drunk and sick from over drinking and also drunk with food poisioning on top of it and its the worst feeling. Thats the closest I want to ever feel like I polluted my body.. I don't even want that again..

[blind_otter]

I think I've said it quite often -- life seems boring after getting high like that.

 

I won't lie, pada, and say that you can get equally high from naturally occuring highs. To say otherwise would be a lie.

 

This is why it is a constant struggle to stay sober.

 

It's obviously not worth it, though, and lying about it would only make me lose credibility to those who are also in recovery.

[catgirl1927]

I think I've said it quite often -- life seems boring after getting high like that.

 

I won't lie, pada, and say that you can get equally high from naturally occuring highs. To say otherwise would be a lie.

 

This is why it is a constant struggle to stay sober.

 

It's obviously not worth it, though, and lying about it would only make me lose credibility to those who are also in recovery.

 

See, this analysis of it is one I truly believe. There truly is no voice like experience. Maybe that's what he's going through too. It's boring, but it's obviously better or you wouldn't be working so hard to stay away from drugs.

 

There are sleazy sides to drugs, pada, and I bet they are visible every morning after. But the nights sound like they were pretty glamourous. My BF was partying with strippers and cheerleaders and other celebrities like that, all very, very beautiful people. He admits there is a seedy side, but the truth is, when those people are up, their lives are better than mine. But you can't really have a family and live like that. Even if you have tons of money, you have to actually remember to PAY the bills.

[alphamale]

I was at a house party once and this girl keeled over. She looked dead. The worst part was when everyone was arguing about who would drive her to the ER because everyone was high.

yes, reminds me of the scene from Pulp Fiction where they try to recussitate Uma Thurman and then end up injecting her with Adrenaline.

 

For someone who has never experienced that high of a high and are considering experimenting; it wouldn't be good for that person to hear this. It only feeds the curiosity.

 

I prefer a natural high

everyones levels of brain chemicals are different. some ppl get naturally high, some need artificial means. It all has to do with Dopamine, Serotonin, blah blah

[basscatcher]

But the nights sound like they were pretty glamourous.

 

How so?

What is real about it?

What is true about it?

What is genuine about it?

Who is really being honest and real with themselves?

 

I don't view the "ups" as better then where my life is right now.

 

I am going through some very hard times right now and I still wouldn't want to be in that 'UP' enviroment or on that 'UP' feeling with drugs.

 

I know their are better days ahead. I am growing, learning, gaining wisdom and insight to things in life by being bored, feeling pain, feeling angry, feeling hurt, being alone. If I was out on that 'UP' for fun what would I be learning that will help me in life? I get upset with myself if I drink too much.. I hate it.. In reality even when it looks like I am having fun--internatlly I'm not..

[blind_otter]

I'll admit that there were times when I was partying like a porn star. But over the long term you get so dragged out and raggedy ass looking that it's impossible to be glamorous any more.

 

WHITNEY HOUSTON, anyone?

[basscatcher]

WHITNEY HOUSTON, anyone?

 

NO SHYT:confused:

[grateful]

See, this analysis of it is one I truly believe. There truly is no voice like experience. Maybe that's what he's going through too. It's boring, but it's obviously better or you wouldn't be working so hard to stay away from drugs.

 

 

OK, I'll give you another one, also experienced. I've done all drugs, except heroin, at least once. Quite a few of them I've done many many times. I stopped doing drugs because the highs, while fun, always felt a little off to me and part of me wanted to get back to being sober. The highs are artificial and part of me always knew that. I've felt higher without drugs after dancing for hours, climbing a mountain, or really really good sex to name a few examples. The adrenalin combined with the sense of peace and enjoyment was a far better high than any of the ecstacy, acid, coke, and speed that I ever did. Maybe because there is no drawback to the experiences I described. And no nasal drip: ugh! disgusting!

 

Blind_Otter, maybe the natural highs seem dull now but give yourself some time. I did some really good drugs: did glass not crank, the X was pure MDMA, got the acid direct from the source. Don't assume the highs weren't good because I didn't do the good stuff. I've just found that natural highs are better.

[catgirl1927]

Listen, pada, I'm not saying you're wrong in not doing drugs. NOT AT ALL.

 

I don't think there is meant to be anything genuine or real about something that is glamourous. Something glamourous is "having an air of allure, romance and excitement." It's not about real life. It's about a shallow, fun time, not important moments shared with real friends.

 

Don't take it so personally. It has NOTHING to do with feminism...

[blind_otter]

OK, I'll give you another one, also experienced. I've done all drugs, except heroin, at least once. Quite a few of them I've done many many times. I stopped doing drugs because the highs, while fun, always felt a little off to me and part of me wanted to get back to being sober. The highs are artificial and part of me always knew that. I've felt higher without drugs after dancing for hours, climbing a mountain, or really really good sex to name a few examples. The adrenalin combined with the sense of peace and enjoyment was a far better high than any of the ecstacy, acid, coke, and speed that I ever did. Maybe because there is no drawback to the experiences I described. And no nasal drip: ugh! disgusting!

 

Blind_Otter, maybe the natural highs seem dull now but give yourself some time. I did some really good drugs: did glass not crank, the X was pure MDMA, got the acid direct from the source. Don't assume the highs weren't good because I didn't do the good stuff. I've just found that natural highs are better.

 

I dunno. I get the feeling you quit on your own. Like, you didn't get to the point wher eyou f***ed up so much stuff in your life that you were basically a joke to those who "love you", and had to go to AA after being smacked around the umpteenth time while drunk and/or high.

 

There's something about the addict's brain that is wired differently than the recreational drug user's. I think, anyways. Adrenaline junkies are the same way. They are simply hard wired to tolerate more "noise" so to speak.

[grateful]

I dunno. I get the feeling you quit on your own. Like, you didn't get to the point wher eyou f***ed up so much stuff in your life that you were basically a joke to those who "love you", and had to go to AA after being smacked around the umpteenth time while drunk and/or high.

 

There's something about the addict's brain that is wired differently than the recreational drug user's. I think, anyways. Adrenaline junkies are the same way. They are simply hard wired to tolerate more "noise" so to speak.

 

Yes you are right that I quit on my own and that an addict's brain is wired differently. When I did drugs I felt all the great sensations: the body tingles, the euphoria, the up up up happiness. But a little part of me was always annoyed that it didn't come from me, that it was artificial. And the control freak was annoyed that a substance was making me feel a certain way. So I just wasn't wired to be an addict cause I had little stop signs built into my personality and body chemistry.

 

You haven't been sober for very long right? Give yourself time - - maybe some day the natural highs will feel if not just as good, at least good enough in their own way. They don't come every day - - that's the biggest difference between addict highs and natural highs - - but they carry a significance that substances can't mimic even in their purest, most potent form.

[blind_otter]

I think the part I liked the most was the fact that the highs had no significance.

[grateful]

I think the part I liked the most was the fact that the highs had no significance.

 

Hmmmmmm........puzzling. I guess my brain's not wired to even understand this statement.

[blind_otter]

Hmmmmmm........puzzling. I guess my brain's not wired to even understand this statement.

 

I think too much, too deeply, all the time. My mind is constantly running. In 12 different directions. I was cooking italian sausage yesterday for stuffed shells and I thought of how maple sausage smells in the morning, two different menus for brunch, and two different songs played from start to finish in my head, and I thought about my BF's son, his food preference, the soup I made the night before that tasted like ass, my head cold, my Dad's cancer, fighting with my mom, the time I first ate tapioca pudding, the way I used to wrap bites of liver with pieces of bacon to choke it down, and my older sister's baby that is due in May. That's all I can remember right now.

 

But every moment of every day my mind runs like that. I fall asleep thinking about stuff.

 

The lure of drugs has always been the ability to medicate my mind into numbness. To be able to not think about anything, or be able to laugh it off or say the drugs are making thoughts run through my head.

[Pyro]

The lure of drugs has always been the ability to medicate my mind into numbness. To be able to not think about anything, or be able to laugh it off or say the drugs are making thoughts run through my head.

 

Thats a big reason why so many do drugs, to escape their problems that they encounter in life. IMHO of course.

[basscatcher]

Wow--my head runs miles a minute too in all different directions.

I have a hard time calming my brain. It is always in motion on a million different paths.

Some days I think its going to explide. I have a hard time sleeping because it just won't rest.

Even in prayer I have a hard time focusing..

There are times I think I'm going nuts in my head..

When I talk I will repeat myself several times about the same thing because my head is thinking about so many things.

 

I sometimes find when I type or write I drift off onto different subject and paths too.

 

The only thing I have been able to do is to practice staying focused on one thing. I have to disipline myself to stay on track instead of 'daydream' about a zillion things...

 

Focus, focus, focus, and practice it... Counceling helps too; when I am troubled with too many life issues I need to find someone to help me understand them. Understanding the issues helps me not dwell on them so intensely. It doesn't necessily help me resolve the issue but understanding it lifts the burden.

[blind_otter]

Well I know how to control it, I don't have trouble sleeping any more.

 

I used to call my drug binges "mental vacations" because there is no way to describe the feeling of getting those thoughts to cease for a few hours. THAT is what I became addicted to. Nothing comes close, as easily, as that.

 

I can hone my skills using awareness meditation and insight meditation techniques. But it was getting to take a break, that easily, that was seductive.

[tinktronik]

Well I know how to control it, I don't have trouble sleeping any more..

 

You sit , you breathe

[quankanne]

have these two 3 foot blown glass bongs. WTF do I do with them, sell them at a garage sale

 

flower arranging classes? I'd imagine all the secret pot-heads would fight to be your lab partner ... :laugh:

 

I don't know about the drug high, but it's kind of fun watching people get a rush off sugar. Otherwise I think the "perfect" natural high comes from laughing so hard that fluid leaks out of both ends of you ... or you're snorting from trying to control it.

[burning 4 revenge]

I don't get the whole cocaine thing. But then again, I've never tried it. My ex is still caught up with that stuff.

 

I've had nights where after a few hits of Jamaican purple hair and a few Coronas i feel like I've died and gone to Heaven. Put on some dub and have the number for Domino's nearby, sitting and talking with friends what else could someone need? But I guess the cocaine rush is of a whole different nature.

 

s***, if I want to get wired I have a double-shot of Cuban coffee. Life is nerve racking enough.

 

Wasn't Sherlock Holmes a mainliner?

[burning 4 revenge]

Talking about the good old days started me thinking. It started me thinking and then I couldn't sleep.

 

I remember I had this neighbor and he and I kind of grew up together. We didn't grew up as kids together, but I knew him from the time I was in junior high until I was about twenty.

 

We were very different. He was outdoorsy, I was a couch potato, he was into hunting and fishing, I was into reading and sleeping, etc. We weren't great friends, but we were cordial. You know, like most neighbors are cordial. I was always more of dork, but he was really friendly to me in high school, even though he was in a more popular clique.

 

After high school similar circumstances brought us a little closer. We both were stuck living with our parents. We both smoked ganj. We were both bored.

 

I remember we use to wake and bake every day. This was back in 92' and 93'. I can still hear The Chronic booming out of the speakers in his truck. We used to get high, skip our junior college classes and ride out to the the Everglades, or go fishing in the intracoastal.

 

What I remember most is going canoeing on Lake Okechobee. I remember bieng in the canoe, high as Bob Marley and surrounded by alligators. I was totally paranoid, but T had nerves of steel, like the rock of gibraltor. He would just laugh and tell me to chill out, while I would try and take my mind off thinking about the sensation of being twisted into pieces and consumed by neolithic carnivores. We would talk about s***,smoke more weed, you know, just dream about life.Then we would load up the bass we caught in his truck and drive back and filet them, before we would toke up again and he would go off to his job as a security guard.

 

Sometimes on the weekends we'd go boar hunting, or just hang out at his girlfriends while he got laid and I got rejected by his girlfriend's friends.

 

In the summer of 94' I planned a trip to Chicago. I asked if I could borrow his steel string, since he didn't play guitar much and I only had an electric. He said 'sure man, no problem'. I honestly planned to be back in about a month. Well that trip turned into my settling there for a while and going to college at Illinois State. Needless to say, he didn't get his guitar back. About a year into my stay there I sold the guitar during a rough spot for like $200. It wasn't right but I had heard that he'd moved to Tennessee and we never talked after I went north.

 

Then like six months later he calls me and says he's in Chicago. We talk for like thirty minutes. He never mentions the guitar. Not once. Toward the end of our conversation he says he only has like two days there, let's get together and smoke a bowl. I tell him I have a heavy work schedule, but let me make some arrangements and I'll call him back. Still worried about the guitar I never call.

 

About a year ago I'm back in Florida, where I now live, and I run into an old schoolmate at Walgreens.

 

'Did you hear about T'

 

'No, ugh, ugh'

 

'He was killed was Iraq'

 

'What?!'

 

'He joined the army and was a combat engineer. I guess he died of shrapnel wounds, or something'

 

RIP T. I'm so f***ing sorry. You don't what i'd give now to smoke that bowl with you in Chicago

[blind_otter]

Cocaine was a substitute for ecstasy after I couldn't handle the ecstasy any more. But I have always been a hardcore pothead. SO much so that people always think I'm high, to this day. I guess it permanently altered my brain chemistry, who knows?

 

Lately I have been thinking a lot about this guy, K, that I had a brief fling with and a subsequent tumultuous friendship. He was still hung up on his exGF when I met him but as usual we had great sex. After a very short while I told him he still wasn't over his ex, I mean he would roll off me after sex and go call her in a guilty funk!

 

He moved back down to south florida and got a house. He was working two jobs, and staying clean by will power alone. Never wanted to admit he was an alcoholic.

 

When he relapsed he started banging s***. Injecting heroin, cocaine, or a cockatil of the two, as well as drinking and smoking weed. Eventually it got to the point where no one could reach him for days. The last time I talked to him he had come up here to visit. I had been passed out for a day or two after a week long coke binge. I woke up at like 2am some night and went over to my dealer's house but I brought a joint and didn't buy any drugs, I ran into K. He was staying on the dealer's couch.

 

We talked. He was so nice. Then he got drunk and belligerent and when I said he could only come to my house if he were sober he got angry and called me names so I left him there. I talked with him on the phone a few more times and they were drug addled arguments. I drew the line at shooting up drugs, for an arbitrary reason. Needles. Disease. Risk of overdose.

 

Last fall K killed himself. He shot himself up with coke. He was alone in his house so no one realy knows what happened and I wish he would have called someone.

 

His mother went over to his house after he had been missing for a few days. His living room had blood splashed all over the place and I guess they thought he had been jumped at first. They found him in the attic. He had drawled up there, I guess after slashing his body with razors, and he had a heart attack from all the cocaine.

 

Sometimes I think I see him, out of the corner of my eye. Sitting in the backseat of my car, or walking down the hallway. No one was allowed to attend his funeral. His family was pissed off, and rightly so. But I do miss him.