The "good" old days

[Ladywithafan]

I truely feel (into the grateful dead way) that there was a reason I drifted into the dark side when I met my bf & got involved in crackland.

 

Like someone mentioned, I'm not wired to be an addict...did it for fun and came down with a flue of disaster; only cure was to cut all the dope friends out of my life...boyfriend now back from FL D.O.C., been on a 9 month bender that has finally slowed down due to my increasing insanity.

 

I have the Prairie home companion of dope stories that shock and amaze and can only be related to by those who've also lived those tales...but, I'm back on my own track, which only I could do for me...

 

My bf finally got his miracle...started work yesterday, landscaping on the island...what a relief...working outside which is good for the heart & soul with a beautiful view of heavenly gulf intracoastal...a much needed vitamin! Called me at lunch just loving it...it couldn't have come soon enough but again, maybe it was necessary that way in his path...

 

Sometimes the stories bring back painful memories that we can look back at straight and go, "how the f*ck could I have ever ... sat in that house in the back bedroom, got in that dealers car, watched bf get in the wrong car but come out with the right stuff...oh my god...some of it's hilarious while at the same time, the wasted money, time & effort is irreversable.

 

It's kind of like, "I can see clearly now the rain is gone..."

[tinktronik]

I don't think I was ever wired to be an addict. I was always much to untrusting of others and myself . I did spend several of my teen years high on weed .I smoked everytime I even thought maybe it was time to come down 7 or 8 times a day .

I remember the last time ,I had this friend A , who invited me on a double date with some guys who were in their 20's , I think we were like 16 at the time .We smoked in the car on the way to a movie and durring the movie I can remember nodding off and being really freaked out about it ,over and over again, I kept thinking wtf is going on ,and being terrified then blacking out and comming too again. After the movie the guys loaded us back up into their car and took us to their apartment .My friend A was obviously in the same state as me in and out .When we arrived at their apartment ,A started to make out with the guy while taking breaks lolling back into the couch and then headed for their bedroom I stopped her asking wtf somethigs not right ,she whispered that she knew she was scared and then said she wanted to go to the bedroom with this guy. So they did.

I sat back on the couch and the friend came over to and pulled out his penis .I shoved him and got out the front door to him yelling at me .I wandered a few blocks and spent the rest of the night passing in and out of conciousness under a park bench.I've never smoked again.

My friend A acted like I was a party pooper , I simply didn't speak to her again. It taught me that even something that seems harmless may not be.I've always wondered what was in that stuff.

[johan]

You never sound like an addict to me. You never talk about resisting urges to go back. Only disgust when you are faced with it again. You clearly were a user, but I don't sense much addiction. What do I know though? Not much.

 

Good job on choosing better for yourself, regardless. It's not often that I get to witness someone making significant lifestyle changes. You seem to have a lot of willpower.

 

It reminds me of my grandfather, who just decided to quit smoking one day. He made a decision and stuck by it and never went back. He told me he would have dreams about smoking and wake up feeling completely disgusted with himself as if he had actually gone back. I thought he was Superman.

[blind_otter]

You never sound like an addict to me. You never talk about resisting urges to go back. Only disgust when you are faced with it again. You clearly were a user, but I don't sense much addiction. What do I know though? Not much.

 

Good job on choosing better for yourself, regardless. It's not often that I get to witness someone making significant lifestyle changes. You seem to have a lot of willpower.

 

It reminds me of my grandfather, who just decided to quit smoking one day. He made a decision and stuck by it and never went back. He told me he would have dreams about smoking and wake up feeling completely disgusted with himself as if he had actually gone back. I thought he was Superman.

 

I guess I try not to focus on that kind of stuff. Generally speaking, I am like that. I acknowledge that it sucks and try not to think about it. I mean, the fact taht I lost all my friends was pretty devestating, but I just keep going and try to stay positive, and laugh about stuff.

 

But it's OTHER people that get on my nerves.

 

It is willpower. I still want to get wasted pretty regularly. I just try to distract myself and remind myself why I can't do it any more.

[Michael86]

On Sunday afternoon I did my grocery shopping. Weird how little accomplishments in reguarlity in routine make recovering addicts in the early stages feel good about themselves. My weekly "big cooking day."

 

How odd to encounter a group of 5-6 guys I used to party with, all drunk and coked up, wandering around the grocery store for fun. I passed by them without recognizing any and then a few minutes later turned around and one of them was right in front of me, smiling and waving. I plastered a fake smile on my face and waved but did not invite conversation.

 

It reminded me of all the bad s***. All the weekends of getting obliterated and that bad feeling you got on Sundays when you knew the party was officially over. These guys are sad. Sad. Pathetic. One of them has a father who is a relatively famous local crack bum. His son is headed in the exact same direction. What a f***ed up world.

 

I've been reading your posts for a long time now. You've really come a long way Otter, and I admire you for it. I know it hasn't been easy for you. Keep it up girl.

 

Michael

[VegasFan]

Your damn right that it takes courage to walk away. One of the best things that I ever did with my life. It does sometimes make you feel like an outsider but being proud of your decision is what makes it a good thing.

 

Wise words Riddler, thanks. I'm currently struggling with distancing myself from my beer drinking buddies. I'm 39 and starting to get concerned that too many weekends of beer drinking and chain smoking are going to kill me.