My first black eye

[Gemini1975]

I have been married for 3 years together for 5. I knew my husband had a temper I had experienced it before we got married. I knew there was potential for bad fights because we had a few in our day. 95% of the time our relationship is wonderful. We have no kids yet so we have been so fortunate to travel and spend time just the two of us.

 

Once he slapped me in a fight I had a small black eye. Once he dragged me off the bed and down the hall by me feet - which gave me rug burn - several times he has grabbed me or pushed me - and this last time he kneed me in the face and gave me a black eye that I can't hide. Several times he has thrown s*** he has yelled.

 

I will say that I am no angel. I have hit him back before - the first time he hit me I gave him a black eye right back. It would seem that this last time got a little to out of control A knee to the face is pretty serious he could of really hurt me and I don't just meen brusing.

 

I have decided to go talk to a councellor because I need to talk to someone. I love my husband I do not want to leave him - I do want him to get some anger managment help - I do want to have a family with him - I do not want to be a victim - I do not want him to ever hit me pinch me or hurt me again.

 

What else can I do?

[tinktronik]

Go see your counselor, this is a move in the right direction.But you should realize both of you must stop being violent towards each other.

[blind_otter]

I'm reading a book now called "Fighting For Your Marriage" that underlines the fact that the way couples handle conflict is a major predicter of the success of the relationship, and that in cases of abuse where there is physical abuse going on with both partners, both need to address the issue of dealing with conflict appropriately.

 

I'm learning how to handle conflict differently, but I come from a long history of abusive relationships, and I can honestly say, I did my part. I hit back. So I can't be a victim. But I can take control of myself and my reactions.

[suga]

You were provoked...in my relationship with my husband he has left me black and blue more times than I can remember when I did not lay a finger on him...thats the way I reasoned it out because I punched him in the nuts one time when I found him passed out in the bed when I he was supposed to pick me up at 3 am from work and I was waiting outside in the dark...then I punched him in the face when he tried to leave with my flirtatious friend to go buy drugs with her and told me I had to stay in the dark house with no electricity because he wanted me to "gaurd" it from these two homeless junkies he just met and let crash in the living room...so that was why it was ok to me for him to beat the crap out of me 3 times a week in my mind...I get asked all the time "why did you stay?"...I stayed for many reasons...love...insecurity...fear...lust...etc...etc...until I got to the point where the pain drowned away all the good things and I couldnt take it anymore.

[Craig]

What else can I do?

Next time he hits you call 911. If he threatens you or anyone you know with violence call 911. Make sure that you are safe and think about having a safety plan in place should you need to escape in a few seconds.

 

If this is his first arrest for DV he'll likely get a court ordered anger management course and DV counseling.

 

You can also get yourself into counseling at a local DV center. It's free if you can't afford it. Make THAT call today.

 

If that doesn't help your situation either leave him or get a good supply of pain pills.

[climbergirl]

If nothing else, please call your local Domestic Abuse hotline. They will answer any question you have......and you can choose anonymity if you want.

[RecordProducer]

I will say that I am no angel. I have hit him back before

Back - being the key word! You didn't attack him. What's "no angel" mean, that you deserved it?

 

My ex-husband has hit me a few times real bad (there were no traces though) and I know it was a matter of low class, family mentality, disrespect, and aggressiveness as a trait. He has even hit my mother and me twice after we got divorced. Twice I have called the police on him.

 

No matter what you do HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO HIT YOU!!! A real man wouldn't hit a woman even if she hit him first. He might divorce her, but not raise his hand on her!

 

He needs marriage counseling and individual therapy. Let him know that physical abuse is unacceptable and next time he touches you inappropriately, you'll call the police and make sure he ends up in jail.

 

That's how you might prevent him from hitting you. But he will still WANT to hit you. You've only been married for 3 years. The situation IS likely to get worse with time. Don't be ashamed. Seek help and support.

 

Are you sure your marriage has been good 95% of the time?

[RecordProducer]

I did my part. I hit back. So I can't be a victim.

You ARE a victim even if you fight BACK. You are not a victim if you hit him FIRST!

 

If YOU hit him and he doesn't fight back, HE is a victim. Man or woman.

[jhurtinct]

just make sure the time you call the police don't hit or push him back, they will arrest you too. Get away while you can you don't want your future little ones to see this or even worse experience it first hand.

 

best wishes

[scarletletter]

For God's sake...let your first black eye be your last. Make a promise to yourself right now. My husband also is abusive but never physically to me, just emotionally and verbally. He throws things, punches walls, punches doors, etc. It really sucks and I am not going to sit around and wait for him to throw the first punch. Doesn't matter how much he is provoked by you, he should never hit you...never. Going to counseling is a good move if you still want a life with him. If he refuses to go...I would consider getting the hell outta there fast. It won't get better on its own. What gives a man or a woman for that matter, the right to think they can actually hit their spouse? It is totally unexceptable.

[Craig]

You can only legally use force when force is reasonably needed to defend yourself or another against the immediately impending use of illegal force. You can not legally use more force than is necessary to extract yourself or another from the illegal force.

[Mz. Pixie]

Gemini-

 

Is this the same guy who in another post you referred to him as "your soulmate" and that you guys had a almost "perfect" marriage.

 

This is not an almost perfect marriage.

 

Is this the guy you cheated on and you were asking people if you should tell him you kissed another guy?

 

Do not tell him if he's abusive. Get out.

[blind_otter]

You ARE a victim even if you fight BACK. You are not a victim if you hit him FIRST!

 

If YOU hit him and he doesn't fight back, HE is a victim. Man or woman.

 

I dunno. I've been reading a book about mutually abusive relationships and it really hit home, so to speak. I don't see myself as a victim because there are better ways for both people to deal with conflict. IME, if someone is moved to hit back, or to hit first, it signals that BOTH parties do not know how to deal with conflict.

 

I've dealt with this in therapy somewhat with mixed results. Because I feel that I would be well served to attend to my anger issues, and that would help clarify things. I can't, at this point, honestly say that I am a victim because I know what I do when I get upset, and it's not pretty, and I could goad Ghandi into a fist fight, I'll tell you that right now.

 

If I could sit back and say, yes, I deal with that appropriately, and he still responded with physical violence -- it would clarify things for me, I think.

 

Because I've known a lot of women who were in abusive relationships, one comes to mind -- they were abusive to each other, though.

 

I think that I played a very active role in provoking that violence. The way that the men reacted was wrong, definately, but can I expect a herculian level of self control, when I am provoking someone with all my might, without thinking about the consequences, or the fact that everyone -- including me -- has a breaking point?

[lindya]

I dunno. I've been reading a book about mutually abusive relationships and it really hit home, so to speak. I don't see myself as a victim because there are better ways for both people to deal with conflict. IME, if someone is moved to hit back, or to hit first, it signals that BOTH parties do not know how to deal with conflict.

 

I've dealt with this in therapy somewhat with mixed results. Because I feel that I would be well served to attend to my anger issues, and that would help clarify things. I can't, at this point, honestly say that I am a victim because I know what I do when I get upset, and it's not pretty, and I could goad Ghandi into a fist fight, I'll tell you that right now.

 

If I could sit back and say, yes, I deal with that appropriately, and he still responded with physical violence -- it would clarify things for me, I think.

 

Because I've known a lot of women who were in abusive relationships, one comes to mind -- they were abusive to each other, though.

 

I think that I played a very active role in provoking that violence. The way that the men reacted was wrong, definately, but can I expect a herculian level of self control, when I am provoking someone with all my might, without thinking about the consequences, or the fact that everyone -- including me -- has a breaking point?

 

Didn't they have the power to walk away? So in some senses it may have been a self-fulfilling prophecy...ie "I annoy people so much that they hit me" making you give out some sort of "go on then, hit me" message to those guys. A lot of people do that. Children do it. Parents who can't manage the limits-testing behaviour calmly help to raise children who are either terrified of their own shadow, or deliberately provoke others to recreate familiar patterns. Or both.

 

Once he slapped me in a fight I had a small black eye. Once he dragged me off the bed and down the hall by me feet - which gave me rug burn - several times he has grabbed me or pushed me - and this last time he kneed me in the face and gave me a black eye that I can't hide. Several times he has thrown s*** he has yelled.

 

What does a person do when someone's gone past the limits he's gone past with you? That incident you described where he dragged you down the hall by your feet sounds really, really worrying. Someone who carries on like that has just well and truly lost it.

 

I have decided to go talk to a councellor because I need to talk to someone. I love my husband I do not want to leave him - I do want him to get some anger managment

 

Hang on...are you saying that after dragging you down a hallway by your feet, kneeing you in the face and giving you a black eye, it still hasn't occurred to your husband that he has a serious problem he needs help with? If the guy isn't even recognising that he has a problem after everything you've described, how can you possibly fix this? I don't like to say you're condoning his behaviour, because I can appreciate you don't, but by staying in the same house as him, you're giving him the message that his abuse of you isn't that serious. That it's not a sufficiently concerning issue for you to put your safety first and get out of there.

 

You don't have kids. Imagine if you did? Imagine a little baby screaming all night because its mouth hurts from teething? If your husband's dragging you around by the feet at this stage in your relationship, I dread to think what sort of rampaging psycho he'll turn into when kids (and all the stress, sleepless nights and irritation they entail) come along.

 

If someone has a serious anger management problem, you can develop all the "difficult people handling" and "conflict management" skills in the world. It might make you safer, but it won't make you safe. If this guy had taken any sort of initiative at all to acknowledge and address his problem, then perhaps there would be some hope. As it is, you seem to be the only one in the relationship who recognises that something here is terribly wrong. That bodes really, really badly for the future.

[blind_otter]

Didn't they have the power to walk away? So in some senses it may have been a self-fulfilling prophecy...ie "I annoy people so much that they hit me" making you give out some sort of "go on then, hit me" message to those guys. A lot of people do that. Children do it. Parents who can't manage the limits-testing behaviour calmly help to raise children who are either terrified of their own shadow, or deliberately provoke others to recreate familiar patterns. Or both.

 

They did have that power, but what do you do when you ar asked to leave and the person asking you to leave follows you out the door and keeps grabbing at you?

 

I am not saying that what they did was right. But I am saying that I played an active role eliciting these behaviors, even if it was self-fulfilling prophecy. I grew up in an emotionally intense household, and physiologically men can't handle the stresses of conflict as easily as women can, with their ease of mastering communication and grey areas like "emotions".

 

For me, acknolwedging the part I play, and attempting to correct the flawed conflict management skills I learned as a child help me feel like I am not a victim. And I think telling them that they did nothing is not the best way to approach an abuse survivor. They habitually victimize themselves. I did! Poor me, I am a victim, I have no control over my own actions, I am a pawn in the game of life. IME when I thought that way, my recovvery was slowed to an almost impercebtible rate.

 

When I actively acknowledged my part, I was able to put his actions into proper perspective. I now know I can control myself, so if he loses control again, I will know it is his inability to control himself that caues the cycle of abuse.

 

I know it's controversial but I strongly suspect there is a feedback loop that goes on in these types of relationships, and the victim mentality is part of that.

[rubyred]

I have been married for 3 years together for 5. I knew my husband had a temper I had experienced it before we got married. I knew there was potential for bad fights because we had a few in our day. 95% of the time our relationship is wonderful. We have no kids yet so we have been so fortunate to travel and spend time just the two of us.

 

Once he slapped me in a fight I had a small black eye. Once he dragged me off the bed and down the hall by me feet - which gave me rug burn - several times he has grabbed me or pushed me - and this last time he kneed me in the face and gave me a black eye that I can't hide. Several times he has thrown s*** he has yelled.

 

I will say that I am no angel. I have hit him back before - the first time he hit me I gave him a black eye right back. It would seem that this last time got a little to out of control A knee to the face is pretty serious he could of really hurt me and I don't just meen brusing.

 

I have decided to go talk to a councellor because I need to talk to someone. I love my husband I do not want to leave him - I do want him to get some anger managment help - I do want to have a family with him - I do not want to be a victim - I do not want him to ever hit me pinch me or hurt me again.

 

What else can I do?

 

My husband took anger management classes 8 years ago for his rage and temper problems, his abuse didnt start back immediately but it slowly reared its ugly head in other way such as mental abuse and sometimes that worse take it from someone who's been through it and trying to still cope it doesnt get any better, and bringing children into the situation is the worst thing you can do because that just makes him think he's got you trapped for good. Get out now while theres life still out there.

[Gemini1975]

Although I appreciate your comments on this blind - otter. I do realize that I have provoked my husband but there has been occasions where I haven't really done anything other then argue.

 

His way of dealing with this is joking about it. He told a family member and they just kind of laughed it awkwardly off.

 

Im starting to admit to myself that maybe there is more to this then I thought. My best friend is the only one that knows about this stuff - she has always said she was worried about me saying its not right - I always just shrugged it off.

 

I know its wrong. Its so difficult because usually we are so good. I can count the amount of bad fights we have had. Its not like we are beeting the crap out of each other every day.

 

However - something has changed in me after this last fight. Im not sure if its anger - regret - fear - confussion. That is why im going to talk to someone. I do find myself not as open with my husband right now. I think a wall is starting to build between me and him. I am withdrawn and he knows it.

 

The hardest off all of this. We have been trying to start a family. And then this happens. Its so confusing because now im not so sure of things.

[Gemini1975]

ANother thing that was really frustrating. I had to wear my glasses for the last week because make up just wasn't doing it. I got sick of wearing my glasses so on the weekend I put my contacts in and he was so worried that someone might see.

 

Screw someone else might see how about me having to look in the mirror every f**in day.

[blind_otter]

Although I appreciate your comments on this blind - otter. I do realize that I have provoked my husband but there has been occasions where I haven't really done anything other then argue.

 

That's how I am, too. But I know that argung is uing words as weapons, too. Verbal abuse and all that.

 

 

The other alternative is what others have been saying.

 

If you are a victim of abuse, then nothing YOU do will change him and you need to leave and for GOD'S sake start using protection.

 

I got pregnant accidentally at the tail end of an abusive relationship and it ended very very very very very very badly. For everyone. He is in prison, the baby died at 4 months gestation, and I was permanently f***ed in teh head.

[RecordProducer]

I do realize that I have provoked my husband

You're finding excuses for him and trying to justify his actions.

His way of dealing with this is joking about it. He told a family member and they just kind of laughed it awkwardly off.

It's HIS family member, right? They might be as abusive as him. They KNOW very well this is wrong, but take his side. it's wrong. Period.

My best friend is the only one that knows about this stuff

You feel ashamed just as every other physically abused woman.

 

Its so difficult because usually we are so good. I can count the amount of bad fights we have had. Its not like we are beeting the crap out of each other every day

Accepting pysical abuse because "otherwise" everything is so good.

 

However - something has changed in me after this last fight. Im not sure if its anger - regret - fear - confussion. That is why im going to talk to someone. I do find myself not as open with my husband right now. I think a wall is starting to build between me and him. I am withdrawn and he knows it.

You're starting to realized that someone who loves you wouldn't beat you.

The hardest off all of this. We have been trying to start a family. And then this happens. Its so confusing because now im not so sure of things.

Next thing you will hope to change him, but things will only get worse.

[whichwayisup]

I have been married for 3 years together for 5. I knew my husband had a temper I had experienced it before we got married. I knew there was potential for bad fights because we had a few in our day. 95% of the time our relationship is wonderful. We have no kids yet so we have been so fortunate to travel and spend time just the two of us.

 

Once he slapped me in a fight I had a small black eye. Once he dragged me off the bed and down the hall by me feet - which gave me rug burn - several times he has grabbed me or pushed me - and this last time he kneed me in the face and gave me a black eye that I can't hide. Several times he has thrown s*** he has yelled.

 

I will say that I am no angel. I have hit him back before - the first time he hit me I gave him a black eye right back. It would seem that this last time got a little to out of control A knee to the face is pretty serious he could of really hurt me and I don't just meen brusing.

 

I have decided to go talk to a councellor because I need to talk to someone. I love my husband I do not want to leave him - I do want him to get some anger managment help - I do want to have a family with him - I do not want to be a victim - I do not want him to ever hit me pinch me or hurt me again.

 

What else can I do?

 

BOTH of you go to counselling, as a couple AND apart. Each of you need to LEARN respect, boundries and how to control anger with "understanding and care" without it getting name calling and violence. If he is unwilling to do this, then END IT and walk away. IF he is willing to work on himself, and the marriage, then I wish you luck.

 

We have no kids yet

 

ThankGOD. DO NOT EVEN THINK of having children until these abusive issues are long gone. The last thing you need is an abused child in this mix.

[Sassy]

No matter what you do to him gives him no right to do the things to you!! It is his choice how he handles it. You are not at fault he is the abuser and your the victim.

[suga]

They did have that power, but what do you do when you ar asked to leave and the person asking you to leave follows you out the door and keeps grabbing at you?

 

I am not saying that what they did was right. But I am saying that I played an active role eliciting these behaviors, even if it was self-fulfilling prophecy. I grew up in an emotionally intense household, and physiologically men can't handle the stresses of conflict as easily as women can, with their ease of mastering communication and grey areas like "emotions".

 

For me, acknolwedging the part I play, and attempting to correct the flawed conflict management skills I learned as a child help me feel like I am not a victim. And I think telling them that they did nothing is not the best way to approach an abuse survivor. They habitually victimize themselves. I did! Poor me, I am a victim, I have no control over my own actions, I am a pawn in the game of life. IME when I thought that way, my recovvery was slowed to an almost impercebtible rate.

 

When I actively acknowledged my part, I was able to put his actions into proper perspective. I now know I can control myself, so if he loses control again, I will know it is his inability to control himself that caues the cycle of abuse.

 

I know it's controversial but I strongly suspect there is a feedback loop that goes on in these types of relationships, and the victim mentality is part of that.

 

Assuming every abused person is like you and played an active part.

 

Some women Im sure would provoke a man to hit her only to say she is a victim and he is abusive to her...then the rest of us that are hurting from being abused have to deal with being considered one of these women by some...oh yes we asked for it...not...you know its rediculous because all I get for staying in an abusive relationship is more crap from other people.

 

I loved the guy who abused me and its not like it started right away...you tell yourself like this girl it only happened once or twice blah blah...then it gets worse...then you get weeker and weeker for having stayed...people dont feal sorry for abused women...they help beat them down emotionaly for having stayed IMO.

[RecordProducer]

Assuming every abused person is like you and played an active part.

 

Some women Im sure would provoke a man to hit her only to say she is a victim and he is abusive to her...then the rest of us that are hurting from being abused have to deal with being considered one of these women by some...oh yes we asked for it...not...you know its rediculous because all I get for staying in an abusive relationship is more crap from other people.

 

I loved the guy who abused me and its not like it started right away...you tell yourself like this girl it only happened once or twice blah blah...then it gets worse...then you get weeker and weeker for having stayed...people dont feal sorry for abused women...they help beat them down emotionaly for having stayed IMO.

Nice post. People can't handle abused women. they can't help them other than think or say that they should LEAVE. So when they don't leave and actually continue to take the violence as a normal part of their life, they just feel disgusted and sorry for them. Until they get in their position... Same happened to me.. I wasn't the classical victim of physical abuse - it happened once in a while, no black eyes or blood or anything... but it was ugly and painful and humiliating. I forgave him. It's HIM who left me, I wanted to stay married. Bu from this perspective I see that he was a scum bag and I was the butterfly.

 

How happy you are in a relationship has a lot to do with goals, boundaries, and self-respect. Some people are picky, some settle for minimum.

 

the fact that these guys don't start hitting at the beginning of the relationship means they are perfectly aware that it's wrong. They wait until the woman is completely THEIRS to start hurting her physically.

 

Nothing on this earth could make my husband or some people I know hit a woman. Yes, they are more worthwhile than the hitters. They are not sissies, they respect women and are not aggressive.

 

Most likely husbands who beat their wives have seen this example in the family - which should scare you rather than make you justify his deeds and feel sorry for him.

 

A black eye is not a little smack on the face. He is violent. There is no room for violence between a man and woman who love each other.

[blind_otter]

Assuming every abused person is like you and played an active part.

 

 

Well that's the issue, isn't it? I am a woman from abusive relationships. But IMO, if he hits you, you don't get a right to hit him back. You get the right to leave the relationship. If yu stay, and hit him back, that's not an indication of emotional health. It's codependency. I won't sugar coat my words, and sweeten the coffee to make it more palatable. I sincerely believe this, and knowledge about yourself and your choices is more empowering than coddling someone and telling them it's not their fault.

 

And I will no dehumanize an abusive man. The study of psychology is about human behavior. I know there are men out there who calculate their behaviors, but people for the most part do not understand their emotions that intimately, and I highly doubt an abusive person could exercise THAT much control.

 

IMO it's more like two emotionally cripple people find each other and continue the cycle of abuse because it is what they know, and they fear change. Both are culpable. Both have the choice to step away. And BOTH choose not to.

 

Now i live with the legacy of this insane man stalking me even from prison. I fear for my life and will for the rest of my life beacuse I know he will find me and kill me if he gets a chance.

 

And I am the one that let it get that far.

 

I could hav exited that relationship with my dignity intact, and I CHOSE NOT TO.