Feelings for best friend

[JohnnyXray]

I really am in need of advice here, I don’t know what to do and I’m in a state of depression and confusion. So here goes…

 

My best friend and I have been best friends for about four years now after we met at the office where we both work. Since then she and I have became each other’s best friend and we trust each other with our lives. Our friendship is great. I mean we get along great, we have a lot in common, and really in the four years we’ve known each other we’ve never been in a fight.

 

When we first met four years ago I did have a crush on her, but soon learned she has a live in boyfriend. I respected that so things never went any further than that. The first time I met her boyfriend we became great friends as well. He trusts me and I trust him. Him and I share a lot of same interests so all of us do a lot of things together such as hanging out, fishing, or going camping.

 

So what’s the problem?

 

My feelings for her are becoming deeper than friends wishing that her and I could be together. I really like her a lot and she means a lot to me. Meeting her and us becoming friends is the best thing to ever happen. She’s exactly the type of girl I want to share my life with. We make each other smile and laugh, we get along great, we have lots of same interests. I just love being around her.

 

Her boyfriend is a good guy in the sense that he is with her despite that she has 2 kids. The kids aren’t his, but yet he’s there for them and treats them good. On the other hand though he doesn’t my best friend the way she deserves to be treated and I get the feeling that she’s just unhappy being with him.

 

He always tells her she is being a b***h when she’s not, he never helps out around the house, the only time he touches her is when he’s grabbing her a$$ or boobs. He only touches her in sexual ways. All he thinks about is sex.

 

He never just holds her, he never buys her roses and he constantly does things to make her upset and then he calls her a b***h. Just to give you an example, just the other night while we were all together hanging out and he was on her case about something which upset her and caused her to start crying and she ended up going into the bedroom.

 

Instead of following her to talk to her, once she was in the bedroom he just kept saying that she was being a b***h. She’s my best friend; I don’t want to hear that crap. So instead of him going into the bedroom to comfort her, I went in about 5 minutes later to talk to her and make sure that she was ok.

 

I mean he constantly provokes her to get upset, and when she does he calls her a b***h and he gets pissed at her. I can tell she’s unhappy. She does fight depression and she does take medication for that, and even then he doesn’t understand that and is never there for her. I just don’t know what to do. My feelings for her are deeper than just friendship and I don’t know how to handle that. She deserves a better guy than what she has now and I would do anything in this world if that guy could be me.

 

He just never shows her that he loves her. He never buys her roses, he never just holds her in his arms, nothing. These are things that I know she wants. Anyways, what should I do? I mean I don’t want to lose her, she’s my best friend. I really don’t have many friends, so I value the friendship her and I have. But inside I’m depressed, my heart aches because I have deep feelings for her.

 

Any advise you can give me would be appreciated!

[darrren12000]

You sound like a great friend, but your friend sounds like she has some needy issues. Why is she with a guy like this? You cannot fix her though. You have analyzed her situation as negative -- and many times these "friends/lovers" situations are . My OA has been in two messed up relationships with distant, nonachieving, cheating, persons since I've known him. Knowing this makes me know that he could do better, but I cannot change him. And even if I could, it would not necessarily mean that he would go for me.

 

I think the same applies to you. Even if you are a "model" gentleman - showing her respect, tenderness, support -- she will likely just grow more attached to you as a friend, and that is where the real pain begins for the best friend with the crush. The more attached she becomes, the more you will yearn for her heart. Unless she has expressed any interest in you romantically, these interests likely do not exist and you are setting yourself up for some tremendous pain. I so empathize with you. I speak from experience. Try to find another woman!

[Yamaha]

You are her emotional support so why would she want to mess with your friendship? She is getting sex and your emotional support, you are the one being left out. If her frierndship means enough to you to sit there and comfort her as she complains about her b/f and crappy life then by all means stay and be her friend. If you find that your feelings are preventing you from being just a friend ( which I feel is the case by your post ) then you have to make a decision and weigh your friendship vs. your emotional/physical needs.

 

The chances are good if you tell her how you feel she will get mad because you are ending a friendship. Women feel you betrayed them by becoming their friend when you really wanted more. It usually doesn't go well so I would advise you to move your friendship to an aquaintance status and look for another women to have feelings for.

[darrren12000]

You are her emotional support so why would she want to mess with your friendship? She is getting sex and your emotional support, you are the one being left out. If her frierndship means enough to you to sit there and comfort her as she complains about her b/f and crappy life then by all means stay and be her friend. If you find that your feelings are preventing you from being just a friend ( which I feel is the case by your post ) then you have to make a decision and weigh your friendship vs. your emotional/physical needs.

 

The chances are good if you tell her how you feel she will get mad because you are ending a friendship. Women feel you betrayed them by becoming their friend when you really wanted more. It usually doesn't go well so I would advise you to move your friendship to an aquaintance status and look for another women to have feelings for.

 

Ditto. I think the "Frankenstein" approach that the OAs have is interesting. They get the highest level of emotional and even romantic intimacy from their "best friend" (with the probably obvious crush) and sex with their messed up partners. If you are in this situation, the best thing to do is run and examine what got you there - not try to figure out why your OA is there. You can only control your own destiny.