When is enough, really enough?

[venus]

Hi everybody! I really need some advice. I've been having a long distance relationship w/ my bf who lives in Germany for 7 months now. He was in the army all September, and I waited faithfully for him with nearly no contact the entire time. But now he's done the army and going back to university (in Germany) this week. He is having a really hard time finding a place to live, I can understand, but he is not calling me still.

 

I talked to him on Friday and told him that I can't wait like that for him anymore and that things should be changing because he has phone access. I explained how his behaviour made me feel and how much I missed our conversations. I also told him it was the last time I was ever going to tell him so because I was tired of talking about it. We discusswed it and he explained how busy he was and so on. But, I compromised and asked him to simply call me for five minutes a day and I'd be happy. He agreed I wasn't asking too much and I told him I'd call him the next day at a certain time and he wasn't even home.

 

That same Friday he sent me sms saying "miss double D took me home tonight". I sent an sms back right away asking who she was and why she was taking him home. Six hours later he responded that I shouldn't worry becuase he was referring to his cab driver who had huge breasts. So does that make it ok to send me an sms like that and wait 6 hours to clarify it? Am I being unreasonable, and is it even ok for him say that, even if it's only a cab driver?

 

Needless to say I still havn't gotten a phone call, and it's now Monday. So what do I do? He's obviously playing games with me or just doesn't care about my feelings at all. I'm head over heels in love, but also very upset because I feel neglected. I have put everything I have into keeping us together, and was even going to move there this spring. But when is it time to stop giving? He keeps promising that when he gets the apartment everything will be normal again. So, my question is how long should I wait, and how do I handle the situation without sounding like a nag. I'm simply tired of fighting, but I feel very unappreciated and I want things to be normal again.

[midori]

This guy is not taking you into consideration at all -- it's all about him, what he wants to do at any given time, what is convenient for him. He might always have plausible reasons for why he couldn't call, for why he can't see you, etc. -- but the underlying message is clear: "I can't be bothered to take the time/effort to think about anyone but myself." In my experience that's rather typical for young guys in their early to mid twenties (not all of them obviously and yes, women can be that way too), and it's not something that changes overnight. It sounds like your guy has a lot of growing up to do. If so, it'll be years before he's in a position to take another person into consideration.

 

That leaves you having to choose: do you want to stay with someone so wholly self-absorbed that he will always put himself and his whims before you and his relationship with you? As you've experienced already, you will have to be the one to maintain the relationship because he will only give scraps of his time and himself to it. He might have genuine affection and even some version of love for you, but he sounds far too immature to truly, fully love you. If you're looking for a fulfilling, committed relationship I don't think this is the right guy for you. You might check in with him again in ten years or so, but for the time being I'd cut him loose and find someone who is ready and able to actually be in an adult relationship with you.

 

Good luck.

 

-midori

 

PS: If you're thinking that you can stick it out with him and wait for him to grow up and grow into his love for you, I'd think again. Doing so would require you to have the kind of unconditional, all-forgiving love typical of a parent. Which is not healthy or appropriate in a romantic relationship. Even if it allowed your relationship to limp along in the short term, if and when he ever does grow up he'd probably want to move away from you (just as children move away from their parents), and engage in a meaningful relationship with a woman who expects him to carry his own weight, who doesn't accept childish excuses, and who will not allow him to take her for granted.

[venus]

Thanks very much for your help midori. I can really see what your saying, and I have a much different perspective on this situation because of your posting!

 

 

 

This guy is not taking you into consideration at all -- it's all about him, what he wants to do at any given time, what is convenient for him. He might always have plausible reasons for why he couldn't call, for why he can't see you, etc. -- but the underlying message is clear: "I can't be bothered to take the time/effort to think about anyone but myself." In my experience that's rather typical for young guys in their early to mid twenties (not all of them obviously and yes, women can be that way too), and it's not something that changes overnight. It sounds like your guy has a lot of growing up to do. If so, it'll be years before he's in a position to take another person into consideration. That leaves you having to choose: do you want to stay with someone so wholly self-absorbed that he will always put himself and his whims before you and his relationship with you? As you've experienced already, you will have to be the one to maintain the relationship because he will only give scraps of his time and himself to it. He might have genuine affection and even some version of love for you, but he sounds far too immature to truly, fully love you. If you're looking for a fulfilling, committed relationship I don't think this is the right guy for you. You might check in with him again in ten years or so, but for the time being I'd cut him loose and find someone who is ready and able to actually be in an adult relationship with you. Good luck. -midori PS: If you're thinking that you can stick it out with him and wait for him to grow up and grow into his love for you, I'd think again. Doing so would require you to have the kind of unconditional, all-forgiving love typical of a parent. Which is not healthy or appropriate in a romantic relationship. Even if it allowed your relationship to limp along in the short term, if and when he ever does grow up he'd probably want to move away from you (just as children move away from their parents), and engage in a meaningful relationship with a woman who expects him to carry his own weight, who doesn't accept childish excuses, and who will not allow him to take her for granted.