Adult ADD and personal relationships

[KittenMoon]

Does anyone have any experience or knowledge about relationships where one partner has ADD?

 

My ex was diagnosed in hs with dyslexia and ADD (albeit mild ADD). The dyslexia was VERY apparent, but I always the the ADD was bullsh*t as he functioned fairly normally. But certain personal traits have got me thinking about this, except that I can't find much info about this condition that directly talks about personal relationships (romantic and platonic). Most traits could easily be "just the way he is" or him "just being a guy", so I'm trying to get a better idea about the condition.

 

There are a few specific traits that I've found coincide with ADD-relationships: Extreme outbursts of anger, that quickly subside to nothing; and not being able to follow a conversation or a fight (as in he'd say one thing and contradict himself 5 min later, swearing up and down he never said the first thing, which generally put me in tears wondering if I was psychotic and hearing things- we used to joke we needed to record our conversations all the time, our friends thought it was funny until they started witnessing it themselves a few times, then it got less funny).

 

But these might be nothing more than his personality.

 

Still- does anyone have knowledge/experience in this area?

[Craig]

...as in he'd say one thing and contradict himself 5 min later, swearing up and down he never said the first thing,

That isn't ADD or Dyslexia that is abuse and it is often referred to as "crazy making."

 

In my experience, anger outbursts do not accompany ADD/HD. I have little experience with dyslexic people but what little I have does not support the idea that dyslexia is accompanied by anger outbursts.

 

Google "adult add" "and relationships" including the quotes for more info.

[KittenMoon]

That isn't ADD or Dyslexia that is abuse and it is often referred to as "crazy making."

 

Can you clarify this a bit? I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic, or what exactly you mean.

 

 

I found a book about ADD and personal relationships, looked at an excerpt that has a list of examples of the problems that arise when one partner has ADD- the ex had many of these. I'm going to pick it up next time I'm at the bookstore, but I'd like to hear any personal experiences in this area.

 

Ok, so I'm closing the barn door after the horse is out, but I wanna understand and then know what to avoid next time around.

 

P.s. I didn't mean to imply the dyslexia had any bearing on our relationship, I just mentioned it as they diagnosed at the same time, and while the dyslexia was obvious, I didn't think much of the ADD diagnosis... not so sure now...

[KittenMoon]

Can you clarify this a bit? I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic, or what exactly you mean.

 

Nevermind, just googled it.

[Craig]

Can you clarify this a bit? I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic, or what exactly you mean.

I wasn't being sarcastic.

 

Crazy making is where the abuser may contradict you, fabricate stories, deny or minimize his/her actions, or act inconsistently with the (desired) outcome being that you begin to doubt your own sanity. This is standard, textbook, everyday, run of the mill emotional abuse.

 

ADD/HD has several subtypes. Google "amen clinic" click on "amen clinics" and then click on "self tests." Maybe you can figure out what subtype he is.

[KittenMoon]

Crazy making is where the abuser may contradict you, fabricate stories, deny or minimize his/her actions, or act inconsistently with the (desired) outcome being that you begin to doubt your own sanity. This is standard, textbook, everyday, run of the mill emotional abuse.

 

This might be a dumb question- but can a person do this without any realization of it?

 

A lot of the crazy-making behavior I have been googling sounds sickeningly familiar, except for any of the intentional stuff. I never felt like he was intentionally minimizing me nor did I ever feel manipulated or lied to, but I certainly did begin questioning my own sanity during arguements with him sometimes (as to what was said/meant, etc). Often times, if we could make it to a conclusion of the arguement, it would come out that he had not included one vital piece of info or feeling that would have made the whole arguement entirely different- he just assumed I would understand or know it. Like because he was aware of it in his head, I knew it too, like I was psychic. It could be about something so specific there would be no way I would have known it unless I was telepathic.

 

It was like information came out completely unstructured, or without awareness of what I knew/didn't know.... which leads me back to the ADD thing.

 

It's hard to think about this- I can say this was only frequent enough to notice it in the last 2 years of our relationship. But he has always had outbursts of extreme anger, never violent, or even prolonged, but scary sometimes. There and then gone...

 

What's normal? This has been my only intimate relationship so I have no frame of reference.

[Craig]

This might be a dumb question- but can a person do this without any realization of it?

I don't really know and hesitate to speculate but will anyway. I think some people are aware and some are not aware but that doesn't excuse the behavior or the need for the victim to get out of the relationship. No one should be in a relationship with someone who is not aware of how their behavior affects others.

 

A lot of the crazy-making behavior I have been googling sounds sickeningly familiar, except for any of the intentional stuff. I never felt like he was intentionally minimizing me nor did I ever feel manipulated or lied to, but I certainly did begin questioning my own sanity during arguments with him sometimes (as to what was said/meant, etc). Often times, if we could make it to a conclusion of the argument, it would come out that he had not included one vital piece of info or feeling that would have made the whole argument entirely different- he just assumed I would understand or know it. Like because he was aware of it in his head, I knew it too, like I was psychic. It could be about something so specific there would be no way I would have known it unless I was telepathic.

Mind reading is not part of any healthy relationship. I don't know if you were alluding to him changing the subject during arguments but changing the topic/subject during an argument is another favored tactic of the abuser.

 

It was like information came out completely unstructured, or without awareness of what I knew/didn't know.... which leads me back to the ADD thing.

He doesn't sound like healthy relationship material--for anyone.

 

It's hard to think about this- I can say this was only frequent enough to notice it in the last 2 years of our relationship. But he has always had outbursts of extreme anger, never violent, or even prolonged, but scary sometimes. There and then gone...

I don't know what to say about this excelpt that expressing anger like that is not a good thing.

 

What's normal? This has been my only intimate relationship so I have no frame of reference.

Normal is hard to define, kind of like nailing sand to a tree BUT in any healthy relationship there will be respect, boundaries, limitations, privacy (not secrets that could adversely affect the relationship), etc. Your gut reaction can be a good indicator of whether the relationship is good or not. Too often, perhaps, people ignore their gut reactions and then slowly descend into a pattern of codependent behaviors.

 

There is nothing wrong with being open, honest and direct (and staying on topic.)

 

For additional frames of reference you may want to Google "healthy relationships" and/or start a new thread here asking other LS'ers what a healthy relationship is.

[JadeStar]

I had a neighbor who told me her husband at the time had been diagonosed with adult ADD. However, the problem with him was, he used that as an excuse or crutch not to pull his weight or get the proper help for what he had. I'm not saying that he didn't have it, I mean the doctor diagnosed him with it, but he justified his behavior with that, using it as a excuse after excuse for why he acted the way he did towards her. Its one thing to have ADD and get help for what you have but its another to know you have it, and use that as your excuse for their behavior and not get some type of help. Just thought I'd share my 2 cents about my neighbors situation.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[KittenMoon]

I had a neighbor who told me her husband at the time had been diagonosed with adult ADD. However, the problem with him was, he used that as an excuse or crutch not to pull his weight or get the proper help for what he had. I'm not saying that he didn't have it, I mean the doctor diagnosed him with it, but he justified his behavior with that, using it as a excuse after excuse for why he acted the way he did towards her. Its one thing to have ADD and get help for what you have but its another to know you have it, and use that as your excuse for their behavior and not get some type of help. Just thought I'd share my 2 cents about my neighbors situation.

Jade

 

Oh, it definetly got pulled out and dusted off as an excuse, but mainly for silly things, like not being able to pay attention.

 

 

Anyways, this is hard to process. Something with him is "off", something deeper than just personality traits, I guess I'd like to know what it was I was looking at.

[Craig]

I had a neighbor who told me her husband at the time had been diagnosed with adult ADD. However, the problem with him was, he used that as an excuse or crutch not to pull his weight or get the proper help for what he had. I'm not saying that he didn't have it, I mean the doctor diagnosed him with it, but he justified his behavior with that, using it as a excuse after excuse for why he acted the way he did towards her. Its one thing to have ADD and get help for what you have but its another to know you have it, and use that as your excuse for their behavior and not get some type of help. Just thought I'd share my 2 cents about my neighbors situation.

Good post Jade.

 

Having ADD/HD does not excuse anyone from responsible behavior. Help, resources, courses, coaches, etc. are available for anyone with ADD/HD.

 

PS - Help is also available for the codependents that buy into the ADD/HD persons excuses.

[Dagny]

I just got out of something with someone who was diagnosed with adult ADD. He displayed many similar traits to what you described.

[KittenMoon]

Good post Jade.

 

Having ADD/HD does not excuse anyone from responsible behavior. Help, resources, courses, coaches, etc. are available for anyone with ADD/HD.

 

PS - Help is also available for the codependents that buy into the ADD/HD persons excuses.

 

 

My ex was really good at coping with both dyslexia and ADD from a work/school side. Not so good on a relationship level. We were together over 6 years- it was good until the last year or two as certain life stresses began to build- it just aggravated behaviors that were rare before and made them far more apparent. To some extent, I feel like I was seeing him come apart, but maybe he's just chosen to be the way he is and that's how he'll always be. Sucks a lot. I miss him tons, the happy him anyways.

[Outcast]

I'm late coming in on this but behaviour you describe can indeed be found in ADD relationships, particularly when the ADD partner has the 'ring of fire' type in Dr. Amen's typology. The 'silly stuff' you speak of is part of the disorder.

 

Read the ADHD e-book by Marty Kutscher, for sure go to Dr. Amen's site, and if you can find any articles by Dr. Arthur Robin, read them. I just attended a seminar by him and he had some of the best information I ever heard for people in ADD relationships.

 

Also check yahoo groups for words like 'add spouse' and 'add partner' to connect and communicate with people in a similar situation.