Trust, Cheating, Love

[2nd Chance]

Is it possible to love someone again after they tell you they have been seeing someone else? My ex was dating someone during the end of our relationship, nothing special, just someone who made her feel important. After a few months, she told me she wanted to give it another go. Well, 2 months later (now) she tells me that she has been seeing this guy the whole time we were "trying" to get back together. She is very unhappy and hates herself for cheating/lying to me. Just the other day she sent me an email stating that reality had finally hit her and she just realized what she walked away from. She knows she needs to go get professional help (she is very depressed) and that she needs to find love in herself before loving another person, but she also stated it as if she wanted to find our love again once she finds the real her.

 

My question is this...after all the deception and lies, is it even possible to love someone again the way you did before? Or love her even more? I know most of you will say, "Hey idiot, leave her!"...well, we are not together, and I do not think I can take her back, but I have dreamed of marrying this girl for a long time, and the thought of that not happening is unbearable. I know I can get over the pain she caused me, but i want to make sure I can trust her again. Just a little advice on what may be the best thing to do in this type of situation...

 

P.S. She is not a bad person who lies and cheats to get what she wants. She is the sweetest person I have ever met and just has some psychological issues to deal with right now.

[midori]

I think it is possible to get over something like this, if you know that real change has occurred and that she has a full, detailed understanding of what was going on inside her that drove her to behave as she did. She needs to take FULL responsibility for her actions, and for the effect those actions have had on you. Apologizing isn't enough. Going to therapy isn't enough. She's got to really really have a grip on herself -- on her expectations, on the ways she interacts with others, everything -- before you'll know for sure that your trust isn't misplaced. It'll take time. It'll take further effort from you, unfortunately. If you really do love her and feel that this would be worth the effort, and that you've got the wherewithall to see it through, well, why not? But you'll really want to keep your eyes open! Don't let your hopes tint her behavior with a rosy hue, don't stop examining what she says and does as soon as it seems like she's got changes underway.

 

It can be done and in some cases it's probably worth it. But you might want to ask yourself if you're really up for a relationship that will, for a while anyway, require you to scrutinize your partner's behavior like a parole officer. It's risky for you and it will probably be draining at times. Maybe you ought to examine yourself a bit and make sure that if you do undertake to mend things with her it's because there are so many good things between you, lots of promising things for a good future together -- rather than just because you've been oriented for a while toward having her in your life and now just can't figure out how to let go.

 

Good luck!

 

-midori

 

PS: In your shoes I'd definitely require that she spend a few months in therapy before even considering getting back together. A few months would give you both some time to get some perspective -- she in therapy, you either by yourself or perhaps dating other people.

[Marzipan75]

First of all, let me tell you that you sound like one of the most understanding human beings on this earth! You are being incredibly nice in your post! I want to tell you that it is possible to trust someone again but it really depends on you and the other person. Me, personally, I would use their current track record as a sort of cornerstone when making a decision like this. At this point, not only does it sound like you care a great deal for this girl but it also sounds like she is in no position to be in a relationship with anyone.

 

Unfortunately for you this is not the greatest news I know. I think that you can trust people again but they have to work really hard and show you that they have changed their ways. This is certainly not easy to do, as anyone will tell you. Given what you said in your post, she's already had two chances with you and so far all she's managed to do is bring you into her confusion. This is both unfair and damaging to you. You need to take some of your own advice and "love yourself" first. I think if you get a little distance in there then maybe you will be able to get a clearer picture of what you want to do.

 

I think that you should hold off from making any critical decisions about pursuing a relationship with her. I think that both of you need time. She needs time to get the help that she needs,like you said. You need to get some time away from her, get some distance because I think that her situation is only going to confuse you even more. Believe me when I tell you that i know it's not easy to do this. If you think about it enough, I am sure you have realized that going back and fourth like this is not healthy for either of you. If your feelings are strong enough and you think that a future for the two of you is possible then why not take the time away? They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, I think they are right.

 

If you feel you just can't let go, then try just being her friend for now, which is what it sounds like you are anyway. I realize how strong your feelings are for this girl but at the same time you have to admit to yourself that you are letting it get in the way of healing from the emotional trauma that she's already caused you.

 

You need to get away from it all, even if it's just for a little while, maybe a month or two. Sometimes the people we love the most, don't love us in the way we need to be and when that happens, we need to learn to face it. Getting over the hurt is part of it but why walk into the same pain all over again? You don't deserve that and you might be missing out on opportunities, meeting new people because you are too busy worrying about her issues.

 

Please do yourself a favor, give her time and see what happens. Try to leave this "on-hold" for the moment. I know that's easier said than done but I think you should at least try it. I that she iss a bad person, she just sounds confused. It doesn't make you a bad person to be confused in a relationship however, for the other people involved in those relationships, it means they need to get away from that and leave the door open to pursue new things. If it is really meant to be then that door will bring them back to one anothe again. I strongly believe that. I don't think cheating,makes you a bad person but it does suggest that someone may not be ready to handle being in the relationship.

 

I hope that helps.

 

Marz

Is it possible to love someone again after they tell you they have been seeing someone else? My ex was dating someone during the end of our relationship, nothing special, just someone who made her feel important. After a few months, she told me she wanted to give it another go. Well, 2 months later (now) she tells me that she has been seeing this guy the whole time we were "trying" to get back together. She is very unhappy and hates herself for cheating/lying to me. Just the other day she sent me an email stating that reality had finally hit her and she just realized what she walked away from. She knows she needs to go get professional help (she is very depressed) and that she needs to find love in herself before loving another person, but she also stated it as if she wanted to find our love again once she finds the real her. My question is this...after all the deception and lies, is it even possible to love someone again the way you did before? Or love her even more? I know most of you will say, "Hey idiot, leave her!"...well, we are not together, and I do not think I can take her back, but I have dreamed of marrying this girl for a long time, and the thought of that not happening is unbearable. I know I can get over the pain she caused me, but i want to make sure I can trust her again. Just a little advice on what may be the best thing to do in this type of situation...

 

P.S. She is not a bad person who lies and cheats to get what she wants. She is the sweetest person I have ever met and just has some psychological issues to deal with right now.

[Jenniferhoffer]

My advice is basically ... do not go back to her. I was in a similar situation and they do need help but let them get it and prove to you w/ positive results that they have changed... give it time - it will literally kill you to not talk and to not write or see eachother but its for the best... trust me.