Trust problem

[jessssss]

sungrl...do you have myspace or anything so we could talk more indepth about this...i feel like we have a lot in common.

i'm going crazy and worrying myself silly.

[sungrl]

SBB Bulletin Board & Photo Gallery :: Spring Rally 2004

 

These are pics of one of the bars at the rally my b/f is going to.

Warning: nudity involved just in case anyone gets affended by it

 

Can anyone understand me a little more why i am overly concerned??

[typical]

So, um, does he have a bike or not???!

[roxyg]

Have you told your boyfriend you are worried about what he might do while he is down there? I mean, you are telling all these people on here your worries, but have you sat down and told this to your boyfriend? Trust issues are a form of insecurity; I'm sorry, but if you are worrying over something that hasn't occured yet or in the past with the person you are with then deep down there is something you are insecure about. All these scenarios that people are throwing out there, are becoming more and more a part of what if's. I mean, either you can talk to your boyfriend, and hope for the best, or you can just assume he's going to go out and screw around.

[sungrl]

I have asked my b/f what is he gonna do there--and he basically said there is a lot of drinking that goes on, hanging out at the bars, going to the different vendors, different biker games. And i even said to him--aren't they going to have those wet t-shirt contests and all that..and he said well he isn't too interested--what can my b/f really say anyway--"that would nice, i will get to look at some hot girls. " I know guys are gonna look--no problem..i'm worried when boundaries are crossed and i guess i feel a bunch of guys hanging out in the bars like the one i just posted--i feel its naive to believe no lines or boundaries will be crossed.

This is something that is really bothering me--i can't really question him too much more--i don't believe he is going there to cheat..i feel like drunken mistakes will possibly happen or just being with friends-you may not think with such a straight head.

[sungrl]

for those who have seen the pics--does anyone believe that when you are in a serious relationship or married--you shouldnt be going to this type of environment without them simply because it is disrespectful? 2 of my friends said they would be just as uncomfortable and would probably ask them not to go--why do they need to be in that type of environment?

[jessssss]

regardless of trust issues...if you're going for a weekend to something like that i see it as disrespectful because you are in a relationship...i think that being in a relationship that you should go as a couple to something like that. it is a weekend getaway, it's not like one night in your town a t a strip club...it's a whole weekend-away. i would be just as uncomfy as you are. i don't even want my bf going to a race because it's a drunken fest with girls who will do anything cause they are wasted. i just think this weekend away is different than a normal all guys hanging out.

 

back to the trust issue, you dohave to trust him if he goes, you'l prob be worrying yourself silly but honestly, if he is going to cheat-he will-on his lunch breaks at work, at work, if it's going to happen there is no really way you can stop him. that sucks, know. but i am realizing this and the more i'm realizing this the better i feel...it's out of your hands i believe.

 

i know i'm blabbing...hope something out of this post helps...

[catgirl1927]

Just because there are naked girls around doesn't mean he'll cheat.

 

I didn't look at the pics because I'm at work.

 

The thing is, this is either something you can live with or something you can't. This could be a harmless weekend with his friends, or it could be the beginning of a whole series of questionable weekends that will end in you finding out he's been screwing around. It could really go either way, without knowing your BF there's no way for us to know.

 

One time I asked my BF, if I went to a club, took off all my clothes and rubbed my naked body all over some guy, and then let him lick my nipples and put his fingers inside of me and then gave him a blow job, would he consider that cheating? He said, of course, you wouldn't do that. I said no I wouldn't, but why is it different when you go to a strip club and do the same thing? Well, of course, guys don't think it's the same thing, and he insisted that isn't what happens. (I was born in the morning, but not THIS morning... ) But I think it gave him some insight on how that made me feel. It's not that he's a bad guy, it's just that THAT is what happens there, and it's not fun and cool from my perspective.

 

The only thing you can really do here is TALK to him. Tell him how uncomfortable you are with him going somewhere where the plan is to get blind drunk with his friends and go around women who will be throwing themselves at him. This is really something the two of you have to work out together, and the most important thing is that you're not accusing him of anything and it can't seem like you're trying to control him. You're not doing either of those things, you just don't want to lose a good relationship over something stupid, and you're afraid that the situation he's putting himself in will lead him to do something that will end your trust in him forever. I bet if he understands how you feel and doesn't think you're just trying to piss in his Cheerios, he'll make you feel a million times better about it and you won't worry so much about it any more.

[sungrl]

I spoke to my b/f and he says it still comes down to trust. By the way-its 10 days at this thing..not a weekend

 

He says I have nothing to worry about and that it still comes down to trust.

He says even if there are girls at the bar doing that and tons of guys are looking at her--do you think that is the girl i am gonna go after because she is there? He still says people know what they are doing when drunk and there is no excuse for drunken mistakes. I still told him that i dont think this thing is innocent as you are making it sound and he basically said well it isnt a bachelor party--although thats what it looks like from the pics

 

What do you think? Should i tell him i got curious of where he was going and looked up pics and this is what i found--or does that sound kind of weird that i did that and maybe should just keep it to myself because the result will still be the same--he is gonna go.

[JackJack]

I say break up with him, and get yourself some individual counseling for these trust/insecurity issues. Don't get into or persue another relationship until you get your self sorted out. Becasue if not you will continue to be like this with any man you date. Its not unhealthy to drive yourself nuts with all this wondering, and not very becoming to a man who says he love you and wants you to trust him. Its damaging your relationship. If hes going to cheat hes going to cheat, not alot you can do about it. Why bang your head against the wall for something you have no control over.

[catgirl1927]

I spoke to my b/f and he says it still comes down to trust. By the way-its 10 days at this thing..not a weekend

 

He says I have nothing to worry about and that it still comes down to trust.

He says even if there are girls at the bar doing that and tons of guys are looking at her--do you think that is the girl i am gonna go after because she is there? He still says people know what they are doing when drunk and there is no excuse for drunken mistakes. I still told him that i dont think this thing is innocent as you are making it sound and he basically said well it isnt a bachelor party--although thats what it looks like from the pics

 

What do you think? Should i tell him i got curious of where he was going and looked up pics and this is what i found--or does that sound kind of weird that i did that and maybe should just keep it to myself because the result will still be the same--he is gonna go.

 

OK, based on this, he sounds like he understands your concerns and cares about you very much. I think that although yeah, this is an icky situation, I really think that based on this you can trust him. Again, only you know how you feel and you have to trust your gut. But especially since he's said there's no excuse for drunken mistakes, seriously, I think it's going to be ok. It's going to be hard for you, but remember, this is YOUR issue, he's not doing anything to make you not trust him. I know it's hard, believe me I do. It's going to be a long 10 days, you need to plan some stuff to keep yourself busy. But if you're going to have a lasting relationship with this person, you have to learn to control your insecurity. It's not your fault you feel this way, but these are your feelings, and they are just feelings. I struggle with this ALL the time. It's MUCH easier said than done. He sounds like a good guy though.

[catgirl1927]

Oh, and I don't think you need to tell him about the pictures. Stop looking at them. Remember, when someone goes to publish pictures, they look for the most interesting ones. The scene you're seeing in those pictures is probably not what goes on most of the time. Just take a deep breath and KEEP BUSY while he's gone.

[Adunaphel]

I agree with the other posters that if he'd cheat at such an event, then he would cheat on you even in very different environments.

Your bf does not sound like he'd cheat.

 

Of course it depends on what you define as cheating.

 

Perhaps while talking to your bf about this, it would be a good idea to make sure that you have the same idea about what constitutes "cheating".

 

Personally, if my bf went to such an event without me, and spent time hanging out in bars where girls flash their boobs, people get 'trashed' and 'go wild', I'd consider it as bad as cheating. But to each his own, I guess.

 

Would it really be okay for you if he turned down any woman who may make advances to him, and just looked at some boobs?

[typical]

*sigh*

 

Will someone PLEASE answer this question?!?

 

Does he own a bike?

[Adunaphel]

*sigh*

 

Will someone PLEASE answer this question?!?

 

Does he own a bike?

 

Very good question.

[typical]

Yes, I dont know how long I can keep asking it.....but it needs to be answered because I am burning with curiosity dammit....and it can change the outcome of the entire feedback...possibly...sungirl, please, just answer the question...

[JackJack]

I may be wrong, but my guess is he doesn't have a bike and thats maybe what concerns her the most. If he had one then maybe she could have a little better understanding of him wanting to go. JMO.

[typical]

I may be wrong, but my guess is he doesn't have a bike and thats maybe what concerns her the most. If he had one then maybe she could have a little better understanding of him wanting to go. JMO.

 

EXACTLY the point I was trying to make......If he doesnt own a bike, what is his reasons for going? The big crowds, the excitement, watching a bunch of dudes riding around in groups? And if it is purely for entertainment, why then can she not go for the same reasons?? I would seriously question why he wants her to stay behind..

[roxyg]

Typical you've brought up that question so many times, and everytime I read through this thread, I keep waiting for the answer. Ten days at a biker rally?! Okay, that changes my perspective; I can now understand your frustration. As someone else posted, the pictures depict only the "exciting and vulgar" to get MEN interested. Talk through your concerns with him, stressing your views of cheating. Hmm...ten days...that's a pretty long time. Is that travel time included? I could understand if it took two days to get up there, and then another two to get back, it would leave six days at the place. Keep us posted.

[No Stress Lady]

Sungrl, I've been looking quickly at your other threads:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86202/ - Is this odd and suspicious?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86266/ - How can you tell if cheating is going on?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86491/ - Question to those who have been cheated on

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t87578/ - B/f and porn site

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t87645/ - Worried over b/f and computer

 

 

Sungrl, I really think it would help you to speak to a counsellor about your trust problems - otherwise you're just going to get yourself so worked up about all this and it won't change a thing.

 

What does your heart tell you?????

 

I had a jealous boyfriend once. I was 100% faithful to him.

 

He continually treated me with so much suspicion (sulking when I met friends for drinks after work, checking up on me to see what time I got home, throwing temper tantrums if I told him I needed a night to myself) that I eventually ran out of patience and dumped him - stating that I was sick to the back teeth of being treated like someone who was untrustworthy, if I was going to be treated as if I was unfaithful then f*ck it - I may as well BE unfaithful......and I ended my relationship with him there and then.

 

If you have genuine reason to believe your b/f is unfaithful then for heaven's sake leave him, see a counsellor and move on.

 

If, deep down, you think your jealousy is at the root of this then go and seek counselling and give your b/f a break.

 

Remember, jealousy is a vicious destructive emotion and the only person it will hurt in the end is YOU.

 

If you have a problem with it please do yourself a favour and speak to your doctor about talking to a counsellor.

 

Good luck

[sungrl]

yes, of course he owns a bike--otherwise i would say whats the point of you going. They are leaving on a friday and will probably get there saturday afternoon. He is leaving the following saturday and will be back probably sunday. So its pretty much a week of being at this place. I do realize that these pictures taken is not ALL that is going on--but i'm sure there is a lot of it going on.

My best friend still says she would tell him he shouldn't be going to this and putting himself in this type of place when in a serious relationship. The thing is my b/f is not like her b/f--he doesn't drink so he doesnt go to bars and is not into clubs or anything like that. He likes to spend the majority of his time with her. My bf and i have different schedules so we don't see each other every day and i do believe if said you aren't allowed to go--he would break up with me. Some guys would listen if their g.f said i really don't like that you are going here and they would stay. But-he is not that type. So i know there is no way i'm going tell him don't go.

 

Everyone who has seen the pics--don't u think it is a little far fetched that a guy in a relationship would go up to one of these sleezy girls parading around half naked in front of like 20 other guys and try to mess around with her while with his friends..I know my b/f would not intentionally pursue anything. I still get anxious over a girl coming on to him though even though he says nothing will happen.

And yes--2 of my friends said they would not date a guy who goes to something like this--i have been with him for a year though and even though i knew he was into bikes--i didnt think something like this would come up. Is this a real reason to break up with him?

[roxyg]

I don't think this calls for breaking up with someone unless, you knew he did something there way out of character. Give the guy a break, he wants a vacation with his guy friends. If you place expectations on someone, then you'll be unsatisfied. You can't base your boyfriend off of what your friend has; and if you want a guy not interested in going out, then perhaps you should rethink who you date.

[Adunaphel]

And yes--2 of my friends said they would not date a guy who goes to something like this--i have been with him for a year though and even though i knew he was into bikes--i didnt think something like this would come up. Is this a real reason to break up with him?

 

What *your friends* would do is irrilevant, actually.

 

Would *you* put up with this?

 

I dumped my ex bf last year, when he went to a party where a wet t-shirt competition would have taken place even if he knew very well that I would be hurt by it.

It's one of the best things I ever did in my life.

Felt awful for three weeks. Then started to feel much better.

No more "need advice about party and wet t-shirt competition" posts on loveshack. No more "do you think this is a red flag?" posts. No more "Crossing the line w/others when in a relationship" posts, either.

 

 

i do believe if said you aren't allowed to go--he would break up with me.

 

The use of the word "allowing" is frowned upon by many people on loveshack, I'm telling you before someone else does.

 

Since you are considering breaking up with him

Is this a real reason to break up with him?

what do you have to lose if you ask him *not* to go?

 

If something is making you unconfortable in your relationship, and there is no way to compromise and have both parts , if not happy, relatively okay and *not* seriously hurt..... well, breaking up is an option.

 

Talk about it. Talk about your feelings. Look for a compromise. Find out what you could live with. Have a serious talk about what constitutes cheating, what constitutes crossing lines.

 

Then, if the problem persists, you'll have to make a decision.

But try working on the problem first.

[JadeStar]

I see it as you having 2 options here. If it bothers you dump him. Or accept the fact that he is going and, get some help for your insecurity problem which is what really needs to be addresed. If he has done nothing to make you feel insecure, then your insecurity alone will be what possibly pushes him away.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[sungrl]

Well here is another thing--i'm not coming to him every day and complaining to him on the phone about this--i talk much much more about it here to get feedback. I have addressed my problem with him--b/c it concerns me and he needs to know how i feel. I think a lot of girls would be uncomfortable with this and not just say--hey have a great time looking at topless girls. Am i being a pushover when i mentioned the entertainment to him though--obviously he knows I have an idea of what goes on--but its not just at these things where stuff like this happens..a guys night out at some club could have this and of course a bachelor party--so do you think he is being disrespectful or just wants to go away and doesn't see this as wrong b/c he says he isnt gonna cheat?

i actually have been the one being distant--i have not had much to say on the phone and am not quick to call back because this has been on my mind obviously.

Girls--do you think its naive to trust your b.f even in this type of environment? If you love them and know they love you--is that enough for you when separated for a week.

Also--do you think if a guy was to cheat--wouldnt he continue doing it whenever he could? Why would a guy choose one time while away for a week and not still do it when he could back at home? thats what makes me think he wouldn't waste the time doing something like that.