Don't believe in second chances?

[Sal Paradise]

You seem like a nice guy so don't take this the wrong way...

 

Your situation is why I advise people not to date people who are friends with exes or who are open to friendship with exes (since you two just renewed the "friendship"). What she (and you) is doing is disrespectful to her current boyfriend. He may be a jerk but that doesn't excuse it.

 

You're pursuing this girl. Even if you're merely feeling the situation out, your ultimate goal is to rekindle a past love. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel? This is the problem with exes hanging out or staying friends. One of the two almost always wants to get back with the other. That is the basis for the friendship. It enables the possibility of continuing the relationship down the line.

 

I'd be a bit worried about pursuing a relationship with a girl who is willing to disrespect her current boyfriend as she is doing. I am sure she is well aware of your wishes. She knows you're interested in pursuing something or you wouldn't of contacted her. So for her to continue this friendship is in itself an act of betrayl to her boyfriend. If she is interested in you than she is more of less emotionally cheating on him when she goes out with you on these "get togethers".

 

Her interest could be viewed in two ways....

 

1) The selfish way: Wow maybe she will get back with me. Full steam ahead!

 

2) Reality: Damn this could happen to me if she gets unhappy. Maybe I should back off.

 

My advice would be to back off and go back to NC. If things are bad between the two of them let it play itself out. It doesn't need a nudge from you. Also it could potentially backfire and blow up in your face.

 

If you're meant to be together you will find your way back to her at some point. This situation isn't healthy for any of you.

[Guest]

So, I thought this would be an ideal time to post.

 

I'll try to be as brief as I can in discussing the present issue. By about 5 months into this relationship, I eventually became very jealous of my girlfriend's male friends. Every one of them, I seemed to accuse of her cheating or wanting them. Sometimes I'd bring it up, sometimes not. Either way, it was killing me because I never thought I was a jealous person and knew in my heart she would never do such a thing. Maybe because I hadn't been in love before and my self-esteem is a little rusty, I never had the opportunity to recognize jealous tendencies. But, I would drink alot when we went out, and my jealous feelings would arise.

 

One night it got so bad, that she wanted to leave me before. After promising her things would be different, she came back, only to find three weeks later that I would get severely intoxicated, that I grabbed her arm and left a bruise...on her birthday no less. I don't remember doing it, but needless to say, she didn't want to see me anymore and I knew I had to do something. Over the course of a month, I took it upon myself to study alcohol addiction (books, meetings, etc.) and also recognizing how much a problem it could be with my own father's addictions. I'm happy to report that, while I still occasionally drink, I know where my limits are and usually drink water or juice after a few beers and no longer see it as a problem. I enjoy waking up the next morning knowing I didn't piss anyone off and remembering the night's events more than not. I recommend the book 7 Weeks to Safe Social Drinking by Donna J. Cornett to anyone I think may have a problem.

 

My girlfriend did eventually contact me within the next few weeks, and we agreed to speak to each other while I was away for a month with work. But, my jealous and controlling feelings eventually reared their ugly heads within the past few months when she asked for space because of her stressful work and school schedule. During the time I thought she was concentrating on school and work, she still found time to go out partying with plenty of other people, and I, forgetting that she's 23 and needs friends when things are stressful, became very jealous that she didn't want me around. I realize now that maybe friendships don't put as much pressure on someone as much as a significant other. Although I had no intentions of putting pressure on her, I understand that sometimes significant others can affect emotions without doing much of anything.

 

For me, it takes a large elephant in the room to address a particular event. After reading a book dealing with relationship addiction, I came to the conclusion that I still love this person very much, but I have a problem obsessing over our relationship. I knew it was wrong to do drive-bys at her house or other places, but I just couldn't help myself sometimes. When I saw her car over at a male friend's apartment in the wee hours of the morning, and sending her a text about seeing it there, I knew this was damaging everything. Not only her trust, but my psyche as well and I had to get a grip. I never had the intention of doing harm or damage, but the elephant made it's appearance when I thought I'd killed it for good.

 

I can't speculate as to why she was over there, or for how long it has been going on, if anything really is. She could be over there because she is just getting her jollies off, or because she finds no pressue with him because he's going through his own relationship problems as well and alot is going on for her. A friend of mine and hers assured me that while I may be right about the first statement, she had slept over at his place quite alot before I met her and nothing ever happened. My gut and heart actually thought that as well, though my head gets ugly notions at times. Sometimes I act rather impulsively without listening to other facets of emotions. It's a work in progress.

 

Either scenario is possible, but what matters is that it's in the past. I can't continue to beat myself up over previous events. Life is just too precious and short to dwell on things you cannot change. I still love her very much and hope we both can move forward without the bulls*** from the past, but I can't convince her to come back. What I want to tell her is how sorry I am for being such a control freak and for violating her space of the past months, but I fear it would be futile in saying as she might construe it as another attempt to win her back. She hasn't called or contacted me about my text message, but I have a feeling that she will eventually. Meanwhile, I've done good about not contacting until she did within the past few months when the space talk was given...although it took me a while to grasp the concept.

 

You all may see this as an attempt to win her back and in a way, I guess it is. But, I don't want to manipulate her...I never did actually, although it came off as I was trying to. I want her to come back if she wants to, and my heart tells me she still does, however distant she may be. Mainly because I haven't heard anything from her to dissuade me from that notion yet (except of course, "I need space") and the fact she says she still loves me and back in January, she told me she never cared so much for one person, including a 2-year relationship with some guy, even though we've been together for a short amount of time. Sure, I sent flowers on Valentine's Day and sent her a bouquet of Bells of Ireland last week (supposedly they bring good luck which she has not had recently), but it was all out of genuine affection, not manipulation. I may be a little off-center in some areas, but I'm not dishonest.

 

What I'm trying to get it at is I know what I've done wrong, and I'm going to make great efforts in trying to just be whole, live in the present, and not get caught up in ego and self-doubt. Like Cornett's book, the relationship addiction book (Confusing Love with Obsession...definite recommended reading for all of you) put a clear picture in what I have to do in regards to this particular area of obsession. I'm going to continue with therapy as well, but do you guys have any advice on what I could say to her that would, not necessarily prove (I know it takes time in order to prove), but to let her know that I will take these steps to show that I am still that man she says she loves more than anyone else? I tend to get tongue-tied when I have a lot to say out loud. Granted, she may be long gone now with that one person, but at least I'll get closure in knowing that I said and tried all I could and finally go out in peace, hoping that maybe someone else will see this better version of me.

 

I failed to briefly summarize what's been going on, and for that I apologize. The point is I know I was addicted to this relationship and made very unwise decisions. I would love to have her in my life as my partner, not treat her like a prisoner, which seemed to be what I was doing lately. I want to start fresh and learn more about her, comfort when she needs help, be there when she needs me and, most importantly, step away when she wants to be alone or go with her friends without getting angry. I don't want it to feel like this relationship would be a burden to her and just enjoy each others company when the time arises and when we want to be together, mutually. In the meantime, I'm going to do what makes me happy and continue that plan for as long as I can. Hopefully, she'll still be around because she has the most beautiful soul as I've ever seen in any human being. It would really suck not having that around anymore.

 

Again, sorry for such a LONG post, but do you guys have any advice? Should I contact her, telling how sorry I am (maybe practice this letter verbaitum and tell it to her) or wait until she calls, if she ever does...provided this possible relationship she is having with this one guy lasts? I could use the help...I know (not think, KNOW) this is the one.

[Guest]

Wow, it looks like the majority of your friends are trying to save you from yourself. Will you come back after the big reunion and truthfully say if they were right or not?

[riobikini]

re:

 

Yamaha: " I'm sorry to say that your desire to be with this women has made you feel like people on LS are attacking you, when they are just giving their insights on people having second chances. I think we all know how much you want it to work out with her but we are concerned that her motives may not be the same."

 

I think the primary reason for this feeling of being "under attack", is the underlying knowledge that , first, -you (we, all, or some of us) know (or feel we know) what is more likely to happen with this situation, -and secondly, it is the pressure of being compelled to follow your heart, despite the knowledge.

 

That creates quite a dilemma when you have all that "good" information and you simply have to go against it.

 

And then, there's the "surprise!" factor: letting everyone know what your decision is, after being such a strong and intelligent person, -a supporter of, and a believer in, the advice you've given to others.

 

*It doesn't make the advice "wrong", or "less than" in anyway, or you, less strong or intelligent.

 

It simply shows that (again) the really big decisions are very, very individual.*

 

And that's the way it should be.

 

When someone has all they need to make a well-informed decision, they must then apply it to their own circumstances.

 

It may not "fit" exactly, to the rigid "rules" that are given.

 

I still believe, though, that core "rules" or "suggestions' are extremely valuable to making decisions and bear a significant amount of truth in regards to human behavior.

 

And those are points we should recognize and consider concerning the "rules".

 

Applying the "rules" to certain individuals is sometimes a major struggle, -more of a fight between what we are made of up until this point (our experiences) and what we fear, or haven't experienced up until now.

 

Sometimes, we *need* to know what is on the "other side".

 

We are driven to cross our own boundaries in search of the answer we hope, or believe, *or imagine* that is out there.

 

And there certainly is an answer.

 

We come face to face with it later on, and depending on what it is, we either adopt new, more optimistic -or skeptical- views and re-work our previous knowledge and information to "customize" it to create future outcomes, and add it to our present knowledge and previous beliefs to develop new philosophy.

 

It is the great process of learning about life.

 

Wanting more information, adding to your experiences (good or bad) is simply human nature.

 

We may call it "following our hearts", -but in reality, it is following our natural instincts to know more.

 

I think this is the fundamental concept of gaining *life experience* and it should not be denied to anyone.

 

No matter what the outcome.

 

And *friends* should be accessible, and be prepared to be called upon, in any case.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Mz. Pixie]

CG-

 

I KNEW there was a reason you hadn't been to the boards lately. Formulating your post the correct way, huh??

 

You're such a nice, kind hearted guy who truly loves this woman- however undeserving of that devotion she is, so in truth, I honestly hope that it works out for you the way you want it to.

 

Now that I've gotten that emotional support and good wishes out of the way let me say what I truly feel. Hope you don't mind.

 

I've been around for a while, just like some of the others, and we've watched what you've went through with this girl. This is in reality, the second second chance you've given her- correct me if I'm wrong??

 

While you've tried really hard to change your reactions and your self confidence level and I think you've made alot of progress- you need to remember that SHE has not changed. She is still the same person that she was- and I truly believe that this is more about her not being alone on her birthday than it is that she wants you back. You may be fine either way- and that's great too- but please keep in the back of your mind that she has not changed.

 

You love her I know but it's beyond me why you wouldn't want someone that's just as into you as you are into them?? And revisiting the same person over and over who has clearly shown that they are not just doesn't make sense to me.

 

That being said, I truly hope that I'm wrong. Truly. If I am I will certainly be the first to say so. It's just my track record is pretty good as far as these kinds of things- on LS and with my friends etc. I just hope you have the courtesy to come here and admit that we were right if that happens- rather than disappear and not post anymore.

[axisdenied]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend, Cali. It sounds to me like you're handling the situation with your ex wonderfully. Best of luck.

[magda]

I wish you luck.. I think you'd be fairer to yourself if you waited until she ended her current relationship to start getting involved (or trying to) since you are hoping that this will turn into something.

[2sunny]

I am just realizing that you say she has a birthday coming up - she is a Tuarus like me.... stubborn and strong minded!

 

Considering this info makes things a bit more clear for me... she was NEVER going to give in and call you. We taureans are that way.... sorry to say.

 

We need the other person to make the move to make things better when we are upset or angry.

 

I know my own weaknesses and I'm sure she is not that much different!

 

Good job CG for trying, if you don't try - then you may have always wondered. Keep your heart a bit guarded though.....

[magda]

I think you should ask her if her boyfriend knows that she'll be meeting you and what he thinks.

[2sunny]

I think you should ask her if her boyfriend knows that she'll be meeting you and what he thinks.

 

 

I disagree - she's NOT MARRIED! Big difference....

[magda]

True, but it acknowledges the fact that she's seeing someone and that they are exes. It gives her the opportunity to say, "Oh, we're on our way out" or "Oh, he won't mind my lunching with a friend." Brings up the topic and lets you establish where things stand.

[pippen_2k]

I still cant believe im reading this thread....

 

No offense mate, but to me it seems like the once bible bashing, self help preacher has turned to Satan.

 

All them months of posts you made to people, giving them advice on a situation you really had no idea on seems pathetic.

 

Hell, I would have been avoiding this forum too if everything I said I totally contradicted.

 

I have nothing against you at all, and I hope things turn out the best for you ( not in regards to this women but your own personal health ), but I believe if things do go sour with this women we will never see you here again.

[riobikini]

Pippen,

 

The situation does not make the advice any less true.

 

I am looking at -and defending- much of the *core value* of the advice given.

 

It is still valid.

 

The *random* factor , here, is how the *individual* applies it.

 

-Rio

[starlight2025]

I think you are in the friend zone right now.

 

You made contact because your friend died. she is being your friend..

She knows by talking to her Mom that you want to be her friend sooooo.....

that and throw the fact in that she is still being plowed by another guy and boom.. Friend zone.

 

Do me a favor CG and drop the macho BS about treating her a certain way.. just be yourself and stop thinking that someone you are dating thinks you don't have a life if you answer the phone on the first ring.. that is BS..

She knows you and your life..

 

Try not to muck it up being a jerk to her because you are trying to prove that you are someone that your are not..

 

You took too much blame for the failure and now your overcompensating for that..

 

My 2 bright shiney pennies

 

 

I believe I was the one who mentioned in my guide that she will think you have no life if you answer the phone on the 1st ring. It's best to wait 4-5 rings before answering. Don't answer the phone every single time either. Wait 1-2 days to return her calls & e-mails.

[NightsEcho]

Hey Caliguy.....I have avoided these forums for a very long time much like you. I went through the loss of a major 3 1/2 years relationship and did everything wrong. I havent posted on here in half a year. I actually just came on to see if there were any friendly faces. Well I remember watching you and your story closely and I felt the need to post.

 

Now I know you are not at all a bad guy. You are very deserving of much of the praise you recieve. Your guides are very insightful, although please dont take to much credit.....there is nothing on there that No Foolin' or "The lost guide to NC" didnt write about.

 

What I noticed was a disturbing trend. You have turned on your own creation. You gave people advice for months and months. You know that at times you "projected" your views in that advice. This is an advice and opinion column. So when you say people are all negative, I disagree. You are "projecting" your own views on the advice. You can't preach for months, then turn on your followers when they try and look out for you.

 

Notice how I haven't touched on you situation with the ex? Its because you are correct, it has not played out yet. That is not the issue here. I believe people get back together. I believe love does sometimes need seperation to grow. Personally, I wish you the best. After more then a year apart, I never got a second chance so cherish it (although at this point I dont realy want one)

 

This is not an attack on you Cali. Just please realize that these people were here when you were down. They were here when you wrote advice, and they seek you out for your insight. Don't bite the hand that feeds you or in this case helped you.

 

Oh and Rio, no need to defend him....he's a big boy.

 

Cheers

Jay

 

P.S. my condolances on your loss....I lost someone close to me last month myself. Hardest thing ever, and really puts this relationship stuff in perspective.

[CaliGuy]

I still cant believe im reading this thread....

 

Why is that?

 

No offense mate, but to me it seems like the once bible bashing, self help preacher has turned to Satan.

 

I wouldn't say that.

 

All them months of posts you made to people, giving them advice on a situation you really had no idea on seems pathetic.

 

What makes you think I have "no idea" what I am talking about? Not being in my shoes I suppose it's very easy for you to look at things for face value and see it doesn't "compute" to you. You really don't know everything that's going on so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

 

There's nothing to say I'm getting back with my ex. We're just talking again. Does that mean I can't date? Nope. Does that mean I'm going to begging for another chance? Absolutely not. A part of me won't rest until I drive the final nail in the coffin I suppose and perhaps hanging out with her one or twice will do it.

 

Did I follow the guide? Absolutely. And did I break NC? Not necessarily. She's the one who had been emailing me, trying to maintain some connection. When I called her a couple weeks ago I just had a friend commit suicide.

 

My life has been rough but I'm not bitter about it.

 

Hell, I would have been avoiding this forum too if everything I said I totally contradicted.

 

There's been very few contradictions. And I haven't been avoiding the boards for any other reason than being sick of reading threads of "doom and gloom." This place was starting to depress me. People come here for encouragement and often times I see them being badgered or chastised, called stupid and other negative reinforcement.

 

Kind of like your reply.

 

I have nothing against you at all, and I hope things turn out the best for you ( not in regards to this women but your own personal health ), but I believe if things do go sour with this women we will never see you here again.

 

I appreciate your concern for my health, but rest assured I'm a big boy and I handle whatever comes my way. I don't use loveshack for approval of my actions, but rather for the outside opinions which may or may not consider things I haven't.

 

It doesn't mean I don't value the opinions of others. It just means I get to see the situation from many angles and choose what works best for me.

 

Cheers.

[CaliGuy]

Hey Caliguy.....I have avoided these forums for a very long time much like you. I went through the loss of a major 3 1/2 years relationship and did everything wrong. I havent posted on here in half a year. I actually just came on to see if there were any friendly faces. Well I remember watching you and your story closely and I felt the need to post.

 

Now I know you are not at all a bad guy. You are very deserving of much of the praise you recieve. Your guides are very insightful, although please dont take to much credit.....there is nothing on there that No Foolin' or "The lost guide to NC" didnt write about.

 

In my guide I believe I expressed clearly that the information I placed there was information I compiled from reading books, talking to others, Counseling and more. Was I not clear enough about that? It's not necessarily my advice, just advice I have learned along the way.

 

I don't remember taking any credit from No Foolin's guide. I agree with a lot of what he has to say but disagree on a few points.

 

That's why they're called opinions

 

What I noticed was a disturbing trend. You have turned on your own creation. You gave people advice for months and months. You know that at times you "projected" your views in that advice. This is an advice and opinion column. So when you say people are all negative, I disagree. You are "projecting" your own views on the advice. You can't preach for months, then turn on your followers when they try and look out for you.

 

So because I am talking to my ex none of what's in the guide is valid anymore? What you don't seem to understand is that during the past 5-6 months I've rebuilt myself emotionally. I'm at a much better place than I was back then and I'm well adapted to handle whatever happens.

 

What I am doing is going to give me peace of mind, one way or the other. That's been my goal for a very long time.

 

It does not, under any circumstances mean the advice I have passed along is invalid. Not in the least bit.

 

Notice how I haven't touched on you situation with the ex? Its because you are correct, it has not played out yet. That is not the issue here. I believe people get back together. I believe love does sometimes need seperation to grow. Personally, I wish you the best. After more then a year apart, I never got a second chance so cherish it (although at this point I dont realy want one)

 

I don't know that I want one either. Again, this is giving me peace of mind. I'm at a point in my life where I can deal with her. Nothing has been played out yet and I'm not moping around. All the knowledge I am armed with now gives me something I didn't have before.

 

I can see her in a different perspective - with new eyes. And I may not like what I see.

 

This is not an attack on you Cali. Just please realize that these people were here when you were down. They were here when you wrote advice, and they seek you out for your insight. Don't bite the hand that feeds you or in this case helped you.

 

I don't see how I am doing that. Can you elaborate?

 

Oh and Rio, no need to defend him....he's a big boy.

 

I don't believe she is defending me as much as the advice itself. The advice that I have passed along is valid, whether I implement a little, some or all of it myself.

 

P.S. my condolances on your loss....I lost someone close to me last month myself. Hardest thing ever, and really puts this relationship stuff in perspective.

 

Thanks. Add that in to the loss of my mom and a crashing relationship and the past six months could have read like a bad news line.

[KittenMoon]

This thread is getting nuts. Why not let it be until CaliGuy has his weekend adventure and fills us in. If it turns out he spent the weekend kissing his ex's feet and begging her to return, THEN everyone can condemn him, geez!

[freckles3131]

Putting aside your "guide"

Putting aside your history with this woman

Putting aside your posts on here.................

 

 

General Red Flags:

 

1)

If you were her "current" boyfriend would you want her contacting her EX (after how much time??) to get together for her birthday? I would be uncomfortable with that....looking at basic characteristics and integrity here.

I don't think I would be "looking forward " to being "that guy"

 

2) When woman aren't "happy" or being "treated the way they should be" there is a tendancy to dig into the archives (old flames) for an ego boost. Once she has it.........her "fix"....she will have no further use for you. (anyone willing to place some bets on this $$$)

 

3) Say for instance something does come of it RE: "I don't know where this is LEADING".....who's to say YOU won't be on the other end of the stick....I.E. You go away for a trip and her calling some EX to hang out with/have a pity party with...(if she can do it to one guy, it is almost a guarantee it will occur in the future with others...don't kid yourself that "she won't do that to ME", I'm sure this guy is thinking the SAME thing...(I'm special/she cares/etc...)

 

4) This initial post has "giddyness" "hope" "excitement" written all over it....and for a woman that has obvious issues.

 

5) I think your great, but this smells like a timebomb and your are setting yourself up for hurt.....sorry, but I just feel it.

 

6) If I were you.....and to SHOW her HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME.....the FIRST thing out of my mouth would have been, "Wow, that sucks (the birthday situation) BUT........I don't feel it's right nor do I feel comfortable (given that you have a history together) getting together for her b-day. Esp. while she is currently in a relationship (happy or not) Morally, ethically, speaking.....For you to NOT say something and to be chomping at the bit per sey...shows her you are still "there" and boy, is she getting a big fat ego boost right now.

 

7) She said, 'pity party" there you go.....you are the guy that is going to make her "feel better" end of story......Personally, I would feel too much like a chump to "play that role"

 

Sorry.....More tough love as Art Critic said. (this is an

[kitten chick]

I can't say that I completely disagree with everyone here but I will just wish you the best of luck. I hope that everything turns out well this weekend and she does a 180 for you. Just remember to keep your heart in check until it's real.

[CaliGuy]

This thread is getting nuts. Why not let it be until CaliGuy has his weekend adventure and fills us in. If it turns out he spent the weekend kissing his ex's feet and begging her to return, THEN everyone can condemn him, geez!

 

Because a lot of assumptions are being made

 

Personally I don't give a damn about the assumptions. I'm doing this for myself and my own peace of mind. If people want to predict doom and gloom, let them. It's their right to state their opinion.

 

I'll fill you in on Monday. I'm not going to be her "fall back guy" so I wish people would let that rest.

 

This is for me, not for her.

[CaliGuy]

I can't say that I completely disagree with everyone here but I will just wish you the best of luck. I hope that everything turns out well this weekend and she does a 180 for you. Just remember to keep your heart in check until it's real.

 

Talk to you on Monday. I'm going into this with no expectations.

[kitten chick]

.................

[NightsEcho]

Hey Cali, I appriciate that you took my post not as an attack. I like that you looked at it and wrote your responses.

 

Like I said, the majority of my post does not even mention your ex. I actually believe that your approach has been good. I agree people see talking to an ex as "what a fool, this guys gonna get burned!" In a lot of ways that is true. If you are honestly saying that this is more of a peace of mind thing, by all means get what you need.

 

Just so you know, in my case after 9 months apart and 5 months NC my ex began e-mailing me again. Well after a few exchanges and the realization that she had not grown one iota in all this time (jumped from one relationship into another) I finally just got my peace of mind or as many like to call it ....dun dun dun "closure"

 

The only reason I told that story is so you get my perspective. Advice is so easy to dispense and so hard to follow.

 

Back to your question, the reason I made mention of biting the hand that feeds is this. Being an advocate of proper NC and LC and all the variations, people that come here in the shock and disbelief of a breakup seek any advice they can get. They are often lost, and spend as many hours they have free looking for some advice that matches to them. You sir being the near celebrity you are on this site (kinda a big deal ) get a second chance and all the people that have hung on your advice do one of a few things:

a.) Vent on you- similar to the way a band sells out, people think its not you and you are deserting them

B.) Root for you and your advice and wish you the best

C.) attack you - usually due to their own frustrations.

 

Now we all know that when we feel attacked, we get our own backs up. In this case, realize this and approach it with the attitude that you are in control, know what they are doing and all that good stuff. Basically realize that you were once like everybody else, and are now at a stage where you understand. I venture 80% of the people care genuinly about your situation.

 

Again, I had to write because it seemed you were getting frustrated with LS....it happens and I left to....its more the next step then anything else.

 

This is just my rant. Nothing more then my two cents.

 

I wish you all the best Caliguy, and whatever pans out i hope you are okay.

 

NE

[Numbheart]

A part of me won't rest until I drive the final nail in the coffin I suppose and perhaps hanging out with her one or twice will do it.

 

Did I follow the guide? Absolutely.

 

I really hate to use your quotes again, but to many of us, (certainly myself) this is how we all initially feel, yet the guide of NC appears to go against all that?...please correct me if I am wrong.

 

I would always rather get the truth out in the open as quickly as possible, looking past the bulls*** excuses and hit the nail on the head, the final nail in the coffin for me personally works a treat, its final closure and positive thinking towards the negatives.

 

However, if the NC guide is followed, the feelings are waaay prolonged.