Don't believe in second chances?

[CaliGuy]

Wow, more evidence that some girls can get away with murder.

Why can she treat you like s*** and like an afterthought option and you just lap it up like a puppy dog? What sort of hold does she have over you?

 

And to the others on this thrad, why do some women get away with this s*** and some can't? If I tried this manoeuvre on a guy I'd be told to feck off.

 

Cali - you're a masochist.

 

So is just about anyone who has been in love.

 

The funny part about the negativity in this thread is that somehow if it doesn't work I'll be a broken man. Time will tell.

 

Appreciate the advice and all. Believe it or not some of this thread is making me chuckle. It's far far too popular and everyone has had their say and then some.

 

The best part is I don't need anyone's approval nor am I looking for it. I like to bounce ideas off people but bottom line I'm going to do what I need to do in order to get to the fork in the road I want to get to.

 

Where it takes me, well I guess I'll know when I get there.

 

But I'm not going to let the negativity bother me nor am I going to let the positive comments hype me up. I'm going into this informed, well aware of the past, knowing what I want to accomplish and letting the chips fall where they may.

 

Again, thanks everyone

 

Cheers

[Touche]

SO, CG. How DID tonight's little reunion go anyway? I mean it was tonight, right?

 

Did it go as you wished? I swear, I hope it did. Unlike some on here, I won't gloat if it didn't. I'll never tell you "I told you so."

 

(Shoot, ok, I lied. I WOULD absolutely tell you "I told you so!":laugh: )

 

Seriously, though..hope it went the way that gives you the most peace of mind.

[LN8840K]

Not to piss in your wheeties Caliguy, because trust me I feel your pain I just went thru this and one thing I can tell you is this ........

 

Rationalyze it anyway and everyway you want and come up with any story you want to satisfy your ego :

 

IF SHE LOVED YOU, SHE WOULD NOT HAVE A BOYFRIEND ! PERIOD END OF STORY !

 

Don't do this to yourself !

[Noos]

The funny part about the negativity in this thread is that somehow if it doesn't work I'll be a broken man. Time will tell.

 

C'mon mate - you wouldn't even be on this site if a a part of you wasn't seriously damaged by yourlast relationship. You are deluding yourself.

 

Okay - some of the posts in this thread have deemed you a hypocrite, but other posters, like myself, don't care about that part of the issue.

Just thought you had made progress and now you're being reeled back in. You are not ready to be her friend - you called her the love of your life in a post before you went AWOL last week. And she is using you to make hrslef feel better. If you think you're getting a second chance, maybe you will - but only because new guy didn't work out and she's too scared to be alone while she hunts down her next boyfriend. She figures you're nice and don't make her physically ill so she'll slep with you and use you as an ego boost in the short-term.

 

I have always been jealous of girls who have such an effect on guys that they can get away with this s***. And so many guys on this site complain that nice guys don't gt ahead - seemingly it pays to be an uber-bitch to men too.

 

I wish tanbark or MadDog would make an appearance. They'd tell you what's going on.

[BBetsy]

"If she loved you, she would not have another boyfriend"

 

That is not necessarily true. Lots of people love someone, but get another boyfriend/girlfriend because they're lonely, because they're trying to move on, because they're silly people who just need SOMEONE to love them, because they think there's no chance they'll get back together with the one they love, because because because...

 

Sometimes it takes getting another boyfriend/girlfriend to realize what they had and how badly they messed up.

 

You can't judge each situation by one hard and fast set of rules.

[BBetsy]

PS I just said that about Alphamale because he seems to enjoy insulting other people so much.

[Lonestar]

Attacking or even disputing Alpha is a fruitless exercise on LS. It's like going to Gilligan's Isle and expecting more out of Gilligan.

 

 

 

Ha, that's one of the funniest descriptions of Alpha I've ever read.

[riobikini]

Cali, All,

 

This girl is ten years younger than you, Cali, (and as everyone already knows from previous posts) has lived with her mom most of her life except for you -and then recently, when she moved away to be closer to her new, muscular, hunked-out (Marine-bod, but very insensitive) and exciting, boyfriend.

 

She's never experienced that type of guy. And she wants it (them).

 

She feels she's missing something by never having "tried" them.

 

So far, she's been learning how absolutely ***unlike*** you the new boyfriend really is.

 

She kinda misses all your super-caring and sensitive attention to her 'needs'.

 

After all, you looked after her in such a capacity as would almost seem "daddy-like".

 

You also admit to that, in what you post over and over again in this site.

 

But, although she does possess this Marilyn-ish, kittenish, spoiled-brat, soft disposition, she has always been fully aware that you were catering to her every whim.

 

And she let you.

 

It was a huge perk -a real "plus" in the relationship- as long as it gave her whatever her little heart desired, made her feel exalted and 'special' (raised her to 'princess' level) , and served her quite childish and selfish needs.

 

Fact is, she hasn't grown up.

 

She hasn't used her experiences in romantic relationships wisely, and in a way that has matured her to a level that can meet yours -or anyone's- needs as an adult.

 

But the "clincher" is, that she doesn't even ***want*** to grow up.

 

She likes all that attention, -having men melt to the effect of her seeming 'innocence'- and generally seeing them fall all over themselves and make huge, blubbering fools of themselves.

 

She is simply "spoiled rotten".

 

When a young lady loves this kind of attention so much, and is unwilling to give up her Teddy Bears, Barbie dolls, and little white canopy bed, -and still enters into the arena of adult relationships- *she is certainly not just an unjustly and horribly misunderstood waif.*

 

She is *knowingly* and selfishly, -even viciously- destroying, through manipulation, real, human lives.

 

*And never doubt that she has moments of clarifying cognizance where she absolutely does realize this.*

 

She simply doesn't care, and *chooses*allow her selfish wants and (word used loosely>) needs to take control.

 

The guy (you) doesn't see this -or if he does- he's already sucked into the whole deceiving 'innocent' image and is quite in love with that.

 

He'll defend her, sacrifice for her, make excuses for her, (and himself) -as well as make an ongoing fool of himself for her- and generally, waste a lot of his life pursuing the 'dream' he thinks is still attainable, *if only he has the patience to give her time to grow up*.

 

Chances are, though, that this behavior is so entrenched, she will never grow out of it.

 

This is a kind of obsession for both of you.

 

A serious one.

 

Because you can 'see' such great potential, it seems impossible just yet, to give up on the dream of having her, building a life with her, and waiting for her 'love' to mature and recognize that you are, indeed, the 'one' for her.

 

Is she?

 

You feel this incredible need to know.

 

And all this is induced and spurred by her 'innocence', her naivety, and her willingness to never recognize any boundaries of others, nor mind one bit to step right over them to meet her selfish, ego-feeding needs.

 

She's used to being 'excused' from any responsibility for any of her actions and behavior.

 

She expects all relationships to 'excuse' her behavior.

 

Cali, again, I am stating my views. I really don't think any of this is what you particularly want to hear, as it does not sound too positive, at all.

 

But it is how I see it.

 

I still understand, though, why some (you) feel driven to pursue a worthless relationship, even to their own humility.

 

I understand the power of romantic emotions and how you can feel compelled to know the last possible word on a relationship that has held all your hopes and dreams.

 

And there's a part of me that so wants to see you 'win' with this, -but going only by what has been posted in your threads about this young lady, -to me- it does not look promising, -nor possible- nor *sane*

 

But , then -whoever said that love is "reasonable"?

 

Yours,

-Rio

[Noos]

Rio - you are wise kemosabe.

But, he can do this the hard way or the easy way, and he has chosen the hard way. He needs to touch the hotplate and get his hand burned to learn the lesson, so to speak.

 

One of my best friends is like Cali's beloved - it never ends you know. She up to relationship number twentysomething now and she's 34.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Noos: " ..he has chosen the hard way.."

 

 

Correct in all points.

 

And that is why I believe this thread is important....it is about pursuing the 'impossible'.

 

Things I wonder about with this:

 

What happens if he 'wins' her back?

 

What does that say to newcomers going through the same thing?

 

If they see the 'impossibile' reunion take place and enter the site during the initial reunion, they may adopt false hopes for their own situation.

 

And if the relationship 'bombs' on down the road.....???

 

Admittedly, most of us suspect it will bomb, -or have little chance of developing into anything close to a mature partnership- given the circustances, and taking in natural human behavior, and it's liklihood to appear, as well as the personalities and traits of these two people that we know of, so far, through the posts that appear in this site.

 

-Rio

[Yamaha]

Because you can 'see' such great potential, it seems impossible just yet, to give up on the dream of having her, building a life with her, and waiting for her 'love' to mature and recognize that you are, indeed, the 'one' for her.

 

Is she?

 

Hear, hear Rio.

 

You are wise but sadly I think you are peaching to the choir.

 

As he says he must let it play out no matter the outcome. He can't stop this even if he wanted to because she is in every pore of his being. Even if he thinks he as matured and grown , she has not ( as you have pointed out ). She loves the effect and attention she has on men and he will have to realize that he is just another one of these men ( to her ).

[riobikini]

You, too, are correct, Yamaha....all posters must take the responsibility for their own lives.

 

Whether the drama played out in this site is supposed to be taken seriously or not, everything winds up being such an individual decision.

 

Thank you for spurring that reminder to me, (but mostly for the sake of, perhaps, vulnerable others).

 

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[luvtoto]

I wish tanbark or MadDog would make an appearance. They'd tell you what's going on.

Why? Do they have a guide too?

[Cade]

First off, my condolences, I have went through something similiar in regards to your friend.

 

Now, down to business.

 

Cali, would you get over her already??? I decided to visit this site once again a couple of days ago from a 2 year hiatis and you are still here pining??? To make things worse now, I see you have published some of your 'guides'? Maye you should stop being a hypocrite and take your own advice man! Dig deeper man, looks like you are now the only person responsible for your pain. Don't give her the time of day anymore, being a fill-in until her man returns, feeding her ego when all she feels is sorry for ya. Nothing good can come from this, you will walk away a couple of notches lower and have to work all over again to get to where you were at.

 

No contact buddy, very simple. She cannot hurt you anymore if you don't give her the opportunity or if you don't present the opportunity. C'mon, you were looking for an excuse to call her, just could not wait. I know it, you know it, and we know it. Stop living in denial, read some of no foolin 's stuff and live by it. Art critic, alpha male are veteran's, they are not known for their compassion but knowledge, don't question them, at least they don't waiver. Handing out these guides to everyone like a guru, and yet you are no different than the many confused people on here. Time to man up...

[riobikini]

re:

 

Cade: " No contact buddy, very simple. She cannot hurt you anymore if you don't give her the opportunity or if you don't present the opportunity. C'mon, you were looking for an excuse to call her, just could not wait. I know it, you know it, and we know it. Stop living in denial.."

 

It seems to me, that unless someone has been in touch with an ex all throughout the breakup, and has (unknown to others) been keeping contact via lunches, meetings, and frequent contact all along- they would be having ***less*** difficulty in making the break final.

 

Cali, truth time:

 

Have you been *seeing* her all along, all throughout these past months?

 

There are, obviously, choices you can make with my question of you: you can choose to simply not answer....choose to 'fudge' the truth....or choose to remain in denial.

 

None of it is any of my (our) business.

 

But I do think it would confirm -or dispel- many suspicions.

 

-Rio

[Touche]

I believe that he has had NO contact with her. But he hasn't really let go. Like a drunk who has stopped drinking but still craves the drink. I believe they call that a dry drunk if I'm not mistaken.

 

I Don't think he ever let go. Even with NC.

 

Still would love to know how the "date" went.

[2sunny]

I really don't think it matters one way or another if he has seen her or not.

 

The bottom line right now is that he does NOW wish to try and give it a go.

 

I think it's completely obvious (and has been all along) that he's not going to get over her. He needs to give this a good shot or he'll never be happy.

 

He should try because I don't think he'll ever want anyone else. Even if she's not the ideal choice for him, he does love her. We don't always make the best choices - can't punish him for his choices... he's human.

[AFriend]

Wow, long post. I agree with sunny. You guys all gave him your 2 cents and now he has choosen what to do next just let this play out. Hopefully it's good ending =/. Good luck.

[Touche]

I really don't think it matters one way or another if he has seen her or not.

 

The bottom line right now is that he does NOW wish to try and give it a go.

 

I think it's completely obvious (and has been all along) that he's not going to get over her. He needs to give this a good shot or he'll never be happy.

 

He should try because I don't think he'll ever want anyone else. Even if she's not the ideal choice for him, he does love her. We don't always make the best choices - can't punish him for his choices... he's human.

 

I agree with most of what you say here, Sunny but not all. He WILL love someone else. I have no doubt of this. He just hasn't gotten her out of his system yet. BOY, can I relate!

 

I don't think anyone is "punishing" him. We're just reminding him that she's not good for him. He already knows this but has temporarily been blinded. Hey, it's happened to ALL of us I think. It's just so hard to watch someone walk right into it. It's like watching someone walking towards a cliff and not trying to stop them.

[CaliGuy]

re:

 

It seems to me, that unless someone has been in touch with an ex all throughout the breakup, and has (unknown to others) been keeping contact via lunches, meetings, and frequent contact all along- they would be having ***less*** difficulty in making the break final.

 

Cali, truth time:

 

Have you been *seeing* her all along, all throughout these past months?

 

I have not laid eyes on her or had any verbal communication with her since I last saw her in January other than a few very short emails.

 

There are, obviously, choices you can make with my question of you: you can choose to simply not answer....choose to 'fudge' the truth....or choose to remain in denial.

 

I have never fudged anything and have always been truthful. To lie would not benefit me in the least bit. You all know everything I know.

 

None of it is any of my (our) business.

 

But I do think it would confirm -or dispel- many suspicions.

 

-Rio

 

Even though I have been 100% truthful I don't think it really matters. There are so many negative opinions it's just depressing to continue coming here. Not just on my threads but others as well. I don't think all advice should be roses and sunshine but when the benefits of coming here are outweighed by all the negativity it's time to leave. At some we should all outgrow needing loveshack. I'm at that point.

 

This is going to be my last post.

 

Whatever happens, happens. I'm thankful for everything I have learned here and for the support and encouragement I have received. I believe it's set me up to have a successful relationship with whomever I end up with. I hope the advice I have given helps at least one person.

 

Good luck all. There will be no further post or updates.

[Art_Critic]

This has been going on for quite some time.. his first post about her was in July 2005 and she was an ex for 6 months at that time..

 

So it is almost 1.5 years he has been doing the tug of war breakup/get back together thing with her.

 

I do understand how you feel CG.. I have been where you are today..

 

I never really talk/post about the reasons I'm on LS but a girl that I loved did me in just like yours is doing you in..

Getting over my Ex wife of 5 years was easy.. I was over her a couple of months after the divorce..

 

But this one GF I had a while ago has done to me what yours did to you..

 

I get by by doing NC... That is the only way..

 

I think we all have a one person that trips up like that..

 

I wish you the best and hope that you can find someone that can give you what this girl gave you while you were with her..

 

By the way... I am not posting to be negative.. I'm sharing something so you know that you are not alone in your heartbreak.. We all have been there.. but NC is the only way to heal

[Touche]

It's true Art. We ALL have had that ONE that does this to us! Ugh! At least you weren't dumb enough to marry that one (like I did with the one who did this to me!) Stupid, stupid, stupid!

 

Anyway, it's a shame you're leaving CG. I don't think I'd classify most of these posts as "negative" at all. You seem to give advice very well but when it comes to taking it, you're not so good. People aren't going to pat you on the back if they see you making a mistake. I like the honesty on here myself.

 

I guess the date didn't go as planned, huh? Well, I'm very sorry if it didn't. Maybe NOW you can REALLY move on..for REAL. It's a shame you won't let your friends here help. Why try to do this alone. I wish this place had been around for me when I needed it (when I went through my divorce.)

 

People seem to really care about you on here. Let them help you.

[riobikini]

re:

 

CG: " There are so many negative opinions it's just depressing to continue coming here. Not just on my threads but others as well. I don't think all advice should be roses and sunshine but when the benefits of coming here are outweighed by all the negativity it's time to leave. At some we should all outgrow needing loveshack. I'm at that point."

 

We may outgrow the need for LS...but we never outgrow the need for people who genuinely care.

 

Cali, you *know* when a *break* is *necessary*.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[westernxer]

I love it when people can't take other points of view with a grain of salt. This site is about tough love, not ginger strokes to the back of one's neck when they're down and out. Having a sense of humor about yourself is vital to surviving this place. If you can't take an honest look at yourself here, chances are you aren't doing it in the real world either.

 

If you outgrow this place, fine. But some people really love it here. It's fun, and not because we aspire to demagoguery.

 

I love coming here when time permits. People are really cool, and it's great that others share my penchant for cynicism and devil's advocacy. Some people find it refreshing, instead of the same, stale, play-it-safe, conventional wisdom that, at times, comes across as an endless string of thoughtless, idiomatic expression.

 

Whether or not my words help anyone is not my concern, not in the slightest. In some way, shape, or form, I believe our interests are self-serving (a given, especially if we're in pain of some sort). We're here to please ourselves, and if we help others in the process, then it's purely coincidental.

 

You don't need to be heartbroken to participate. You just need to have a heart, whether it's black, blue, or bloody red.

[riobikini]

Whether it's apparent yet -or not- this opportunity to clear the air concerning all this was not only inevitable....it was needed....and though not deliberately engineered, nor having any goal in mind except to reveal last thoughts and facts- the opportunity was given by simply "holding open" a few 'doors", and getting one last look at the situation from the viewpoint and experience of others.

 

CG may not be "over" the girl, -but he's over this particular 'bump' in the road.

 

I think that's crucial.

 

Like was stated "Whatever happens, happens", but clearing the air was desperately required.

 

-Rio