Don't believe in second chances?

[CaliGuy]

CaliGuy -

 

I am so heartened by your post, though I am trying my best to remain in NC, if for nothing else but my own peace of mind. I, for one, am very happy for you. Things sound promising, and I hope everything goes well for you regardless of the outcome.

 

Thanks.

 

And thank you to Bateseal as well.

 

People change and grow constantly. It's entirely possible that your ex has discovered, after not having you for months, that you really are important to her happiness. Good luck!!

 

I think her being on her own for the past five months has opened her eyes up a bit. I also believe that me maintaining my distance has helped as well. My guess is hanging out on Saturday will be her little "test" to see how much I have changed.

 

I'm confident I will pass with flying colors.

 

Thanks again

[alphamale]

If you seek to prove a point then let this situation come to some sort of resolution before you pass your judgement.

I am older and have seen and experienced much more than you CG. I judge because I know what the likely resolution will be.

[SmoochieFace]

CaliGuy is doing what he feels is right for him. It would be unwise for anyone to judge his actions as only he knows what is right for him. None of us are in his shoes so it would be best to refrain from making snap judgments about his situation.

 

Just saying.

[Art_Critic]

I think you are in the friend zone right now.

 

You made contact because your friend died. she is being your friend..

She knows by talking to her Mom that you want to be her friend sooooo.....

that and throw the fact in that she is still being plowed by another guy and boom.. Friend zone.

 

Do me a favor CG and drop the macho BS about treating her a certain way.. just be yourself and stop thinking that someone you are dating thinks you don't have a life if you answer the phone on the first ring.. that is BS..

She knows you and your life..

 

Try not to muck it up being a jerk to her because you are trying to prove that you are someone that your are not..

 

You took too much blame for the failure and now your overcompensating for that..

 

My 2 bright shiney pennies

[CaliGuy]

I think you are in the friend zone right now.

 

You made contact because your friend died. she is being your friend..

She knows by talking to her Mom that you want to be her friend sooooo.....

that and throw the fact in that she is still being plowed by another guy and boom.. Friend zone.

 

Do me a favor CG and drop the macho BS about treating her a certain way.. just be yourself and stop thinking that someone you are dating thinks you don't have a life if you answer the phone on the first ring.. that is BS..

She knows you and your life..

 

Try not to muck it up being a jerk to her because you are trying to prove that you are someone that your are not..

 

You took too much blame for the failure and now your overcompensating for that..

 

My 2 bright shiney pennies

 

It's not a game, Art.

Hard to be in the friends zone when you haven't talked in 5 months.

 

Not sure what is going to happen but I can assure you I won't be stuck in the friends zone.

 

Like I told Alpha, wait and let things pan out before you come to a conclusion. Some of you, if you're so good at prognasticating, go bet on a horse or something, will ya?

[CaliGuy]

CaliGuy is doing what he feels is right for him. It would be unwise for anyone to judge his actions as only he knows what is right for him. None of us are in his shoes so it would be best to refrain from making snap judgments about his situation.

 

Just saying.

 

Thanks. Everyone is so quick to predict doom and gloom for me. I'm not going to let it effect me.

 

My radar is on, I know what's going on and unlike last time, I'm in control. I have my needs in mind and if she can't meet them so be it. I'm not going to get stuck in the friends zone.

 

And she'll be quite aware of that after Saturday.

[Art_Critic]

Like I told Alpha, wait and let things pan out before you come to a conclusion. Some of you, if you're so good at prognasticating, go bet on a horse or something, will ya?

 

You need to go back and re-read my post...

 

I havn't predicted doom and gloom.. just calling it the way I see it.. it's called Advice

[luvtoto]

Hi Caliguy.

 

I would be very careful.

 

I don't think it's such a good idea for you to be hanging out with her under these circumstances. She may be just using you to 1) have something to do on her bday & 2) to get back at her current BF.

 

If she is indeed upset with him, who better to spend time with than an X-BF. She still wants her current BF, but, wants to piss him off by hanging out with you.

 

I could be wrong, though.

[CaliGuy]

You need to go back and re-read my post...

 

Ok, like this?

 

I think you are in the friend zone right now. - Opinion, not advice.

 

You made contact because your friend died. she is being your friend.. - Opinion, not advice.

 

She knows by talking to her Mom that you want to be her friend sooooo..... - Opinion, not advice (her mom does NOT talk to her about me, I know that for a fact).

 

that and throw the fact in that she is still being plowed by another guy and boom.. Friend zone. - opinion, not advice.

 

Do me a favor CG and drop the macho BS about treating her a certain way.. just be yourself and stop thinking that someone you are dating thinks you don't have a life if you answer the phone on the first ring.. that is BS..

She knows you and your life.. - Some advice, mostly opinion.

 

Try not to muck it up being a jerk to her because you are trying to prove that you are someone that your are not.. - Finally, some advice.

 

You took too much blame for the failure and now your overcompensating for that.. - Opinion, not advice.

 

I havn't predicted doom and gloom.. just calling it the way I see it.. it's called Advice

 

A lot of your opinions are of doom and gloom, calling it the way you think you see it, but not necessarily how it is. It's just your best guess.

 

Regardless I do appreciate the advice that's there. I didn't post this seeking advice though. More of an update on what's going on.

 

I'll post again on Monday.

 

Cheers.

[CaliGuy]

Hi Caliguy.

 

I would be very careful.

 

I don't think it's such a good idea for you to be hanging out with her under these circumstances. She may be just using you to 1) have something to do on her bday & 2) to get back at her current BF.

 

If she is indeed upset with him, who better to spend time with than an X-BF. She still wants her current BF, but, wants to piss him off by hanging out with you.

 

I could be wrong, though.

 

I'll be making that clear on Saturday. There's two trains of thought here.

 

1. She's using me (maybe).

2. She really does miss me (maybe).

 

I guess I'll find out on Saturday. Either way, I'm not going to be a pawn.

[luvtoto]

1. She's using me (maybe).

2. She really does miss me (maybe).

How will you know which one it is?

 

I am not trying to be mean or anything. I just have been in that spot before myself, and it's *very* tough to figure out their intentions. From reading your posts in the past, I don't think you got her figured out quite yet.

[TeaCooler]

the only thing that is off to me is that she wants to hang out with you while her boyfriend is away.

 

it would make me wonder who she hung out with while i was away.

 

girls are sneaky little f***ers, caliguy, you gotta watch out!

 

good luck, but be careful. i agree with a lot of the opinions on here, but for your sake i hope it works out the way you want it to.

[riobikini]

(Smile)

 

Cali, good to see you back.

 

I think everyone here can now appreciate the fact you have come forward with the news you have been keeping.

 

Thank you.

 

Your presence back in the boards with this news should help us all to realize that, no matter how much advice we get, or give, -when it comes right down to the truth, *knowing what you can accept -as well as what you can't- is the bottom line.*

 

This is good for the boards for many reasons, but I can only pray, though, that it is good for you.

 

To many, this turn of events may come as a surprise. To others, it has always been the suspicion.

 

It is a dramatic turn-about, and appears, in some specific ways to be contradictory to your advice to others, and your beliefs on 'No Contact', as well as other topics.

 

But I , like others, am reserving sweeping judgement, -because it realling isn't about judging anyone, at all.

 

I will remain in (protective) support of you. And that is that.

 

All of this should help us to realize that, above all, we are two very distinct things: we are all human and, we are all adults, here, and are ultimately responsible for much of how our own lives take shape.

 

We must answer to *ourselves*.

 

Aside from all this, you still have alot to contribute to this site. Your guides and posts are still relevant, still good, still helpful.

 

And many will continue to benefit from them.

 

Your position now, really, only gives more realism to all your previous advice, and will offer much more as this all unfolds.

 

It also shows us that, as one poster has already stated, -"anything is possible".

 

The 'heat' from all this will , no doubt, be tremendous, but I know you to be one of the most doggedly determined people I have ever known. (Smile).

 

I also know that the interest in your personal pursuit of the person you love will be very keen.

 

Nevermind the noise, now.

 

Failure, nor discouragement, nor giving up has never seemed to be in your repertoire of traits.

 

It is like you have stated, -along the lines of being strong enough to take a punch again, if plunging into the effort should land you one.

 

I'm smiling as I write this, I don't know quite what to say, but what I am thinking is "Why couldn't my ex have been this way?"

 

I'll be a cell number away, Cali, if you need a voice.

 

Yours,

-Rio

[Alexandra]

First and foremost I DO wish you the best on Saturday and I DO hope you know what the best is (if that's being friends or getting back together only you know) and as I am sure everyone else here feels a Hollywood happy ending would give me a broader smile than a "Bah people are predictable" sort of shallow satisfaction.

 

That said, advice and opinion are hardly ever possible to separate, are they not? The latter does spring from the former regardless how much we may try and be objective and rely on knowledge that's untained by what we think.

 

Art_Critic may have sounded a bit too strong but had he not meant well CaliGuy would he not dismiss you like AlphaMale? (Whom indeed, I think -opinion, yes- was trying to be constructive in his destructive way as well.)

 

I don't know you that well -yet- hence I'm not going to be worried you'll be defensive and upset when reading this post. You're evidently a very rational person but it is possible that at times, us rational and calculated types let the mental planning turn things into a very programmed situation. Staying in control is one thing, having clear cut action scrips is another and at times that may be from our trials not to get hurt.

 

You said you posted to update not to ask for opinions. That may be. But would 47 "Yay, way to go sweetie" that would never challange you to help you maybe reinforce remembering it's you that counts have helped more?

[CaliGuy]

Rio and others, thank you. I appreciate the kind words of support and encouragement.

 

First and foremost I DO wish you the best on Saturday and I DO hope you know what the best is (if that's being friends or getting back together only you know) and as I am sure everyone else here feels a Hollywood happy ending would give me a broader smile than a "Bah people are predictable" sort of shallow satisfaction.

 

That said, advice and opinion are hardly ever possible to separate, are they not? The latter does spring from the former regardless how much we may try and be objective and rely on knowledge that's untained by what we think.

 

Art_Critic may have sounded a bit too strong but had he not meant well CaliGuy would he not dismiss you like AlphaMale? (Whom indeed, I think -opinion, yes- was trying to be constructive in his destructive way as well.)

 

I don't know you that well -yet- hence I'm not going to be worried you'll be defensive and upset when reading this post. You're evidently a very rational person but it is possible that at times, us rational and calculated types let the mental planning turn things into a very programmed situation. Staying in control is one thing, having clear cut action scrips is another and at times that may be from our trials not to get hurt.

 

You said you posted to update not to ask for opinions. That may be. But would 47 "Yay, way to go sweetie" that would never challange you to help you maybe reinforce remembering it's you that counts have helped more?

 

Umm, I don't know if I was even looking for that. It was more or less an update since I haven't been around lately. I stayed away from the boards mainly for the reason that as I browsed through a lot of the posts here I didn't find much (if any) positive reinforcement.

 

What I found for the most part was a lot of negativity and bitterness. I understand people come here that have been jaded and that shows through in a lot of post.

 

There are many varying degrees of opinions here. I realized when I posted this that the "usual" suspects were going to chime in with their predictions of failure yet it did not stop me from posting.

 

I've learned to live by the rule "those who think they can and those who think they can not are both right." That's the catalyst for my own self confidence.

 

And even if this does fail at least I will know I tried my best. I realize I won't always win but I do know that by not trying at all I've already lost.

 

Some people give up easily. I just can't.

 

PS: I read your profile and wanted to PM you but you don't as of yet have access. I had a question for you.

[Alexandra]

And even if this does fail at least I will know I tried my best. I realize I won't always win but I do know that by not trying at all I've already lost.

Some people give up easily. I just can't.

PS: I read your profile and wanted to PM you but you don't as of yet have access. I had a question for you.

 

I loved that phrase, that concept. It's invaluable.

 

If it's not too private of a question shoot on the OffTopic thread or here, wherever you wish, if not it will have to wait for a couple of weeks till they let me out of the cage as I've tried paying and couldn't for technical reasons.

[Yamaha]

I'm sorry to say that your desire to be with this women has made you feel like people on LS are attacking you, when they are just giving their insights on people having second chances. I think we all know how much you want it to work out with her but we are concerned that her motives may not be the same. Alpha may be to direct but he is just trying to help you by giving his opinion and experience on women's motives. You are being defensive because he is telling you something you do not want to hear. This is cause for concern as you have already opened up your heart to her and hope is bursting forth. She will be OK no matter the outcome but you are still very fragile to her and people are just trying to prepare you for possibilities. You should not discount anyones opinion just because it does not fit with the outcome you desire. You have the right to agree or disagree but on this board everyone has the right to express their opinions and experiences. We are not all here for a popularity contest but have a desire to help as we have been there before.

[Numbheart]

Taking my time calling her back/emailing her isn't a game. It's giving her the space she needs without putting any pressure on her.

 

No, I respectfully disagree,... in "my opinion" you are playing games if you are delaying your actions for a reason.

 

Why is it putting pressure on her when she is calling YOU?

If she needed the space, she would not be calling, she is telling you that she wants to speak to you and when she is ready to, you are playing mind games with her to make her think you are not at her beckon call and that you are busier than you actually are.

You either see her call and ignore it, or wait a certain time until you reply...that is not a genuine action, it is contrived and manipulative to your own satisfaction or needs...I'm sorry if that comes across as harsh.

I am not judging you.....this is trying to be... err...advice!

 

I see this from my perspective and personality, I am a genuine person and treat people within my business and friends the same as I expect to be treated, that means calling back as soon as I have the chance to, not waiting a few days to make them think I am not bothered!..it does not mean I have no life either!...as I and my friends are all like this with each other, and I am wise to the "delaying games" that people can play in relationships, if someone trys it with me, they are history.....if someone means something to me, I make the effort to call them back and vice versa...simple as! Sincerity and genuine feelings count for a lot with me.

 

I do understand why you feel the need to be like this, if you felt you previously were smothering her, and in all honesty, if I was confused about what she wanted I think I would be doing the same as you now.

I am just trying to point out that if you are just trying to show her that you have no hard feelings, not still hung up about her and prepared to be just friends, then treat her like one without using tactics or a plan.

Genuine honesty really should not be a downfall or weakness

 

I still wish you good luck.

[CaliGuy]

Rio and others, thank you. I appreciate the kind words of support and encouragement.

 

First and foremost I DO wish you the best on Saturday and I DO hope you know what the best is (if that's being friends or getting back together only you know) and as I am sure everyone else here feels a Hollywood happy ending would give me a broader smile than a "Bah people are predictable" sort of shallow satisfaction.

 

That said, advice and opinion are hardly ever possible to separate, are they not? The latter does spring from the former regardless how much we may try and be objective and rely on knowledge that's untained by what we think.

 

Art_Critic may have sounded a bit too strong but had he not meant well CaliGuy would he not dismiss you like AlphaMale? (Whom indeed, I think -opinion, yes- was trying to be constructive in his destructive way as well.)

 

I don't know you that well -yet- hence I'm not going to be worried you'll be defensive and upset when reading this post. You're evidently a very rational person but it is possible that at times, us rational and calculated types let the mental planning turn things into a very programmed situation. Staying in control is one thing, having clear cut action scrips is another and at times that may be from our trials not to get hurt.

 

You said you posted to update not to ask for opinions. That may be. But would 47 "Yay, way to go sweetie" that would never challange you to help you maybe reinforce remembering it's you that counts have helped more?

 

Umm, I don't know if I was even looking for that. It was more or less an update since I haven't been around lately. I stayed away from the boards mainly for the reason that as I browsed through a lot of the posts here I didn't find much (if any) positive reinforcement.

 

What I found for the most part was a lot of negativity and bitterness. I understand people come here that have been jaded and that shows through in a lot of post.

 

There are many varying degrees of opinions here. I realized when I posted this that the "usual" suspects were going to chime in with their predictions of failure yet it did not stop me from posting.

 

I've learned to live by the rule "those who think they can and those who think they can not are both right." That's the catalyst for my own self confidence.

 

And even if this does fail at least I will know I tried my best. I realize I won't always win but I do know that by not trying at all I've already lost.

 

Some people give up easily. I just can't.

 

PS: I read your profile and wanted to PM you but you don't as of yet have access. I had a question for you.

[CaliGuy]

I'm sorry to say that your desire to be with this women has made you feel like people on LS are attacking you, when they are just giving their insights on people having second chances. I think we all know how much you want it to work out with her but we are concerned that her motives may not be the same. Alpha may be to direct but he is just trying to help you by giving his opinion and experience on women's motives. You are being defensive because he is telling you something you do not want to hear. This is cause for concern as you have already opened up your heart to her and hope is bursting forth. She will be OK no matter the outcome but you are still very fragile to her and people are just trying to prepare you for possibilities. You should not discount anyones opinion just because it does not fit with the outcome you desire. You have the right to agree or disagree but on this board everyone has the right to express their opinions and experiences. We are not all here for a popularity contest but have a desire to help as we have been there before.

 

Yamaha, I appreciate it.

 

I completely hear the warnings and appreciate them. All I am saying is that before judgement is passed in this case, let the events pan out first.

 

Whatever happens, happens. I'll not be destroyed by it in the least bit.

 

I do appreciate the comments from both sides. What I want to avoid here is the notion that the guide is worthless or I didn't learn from it. On the contrary, it contains everything I have learned and will serve me well.

 

I know there are many here who don't believe in second chances and have their own opinions and they are free to voice them.

 

I'm a big boy, folks. I can and WILL handle whatever comes my way.

 

Cheers

[shelters]

CG,

 

I have noticed a lot of the negativity/anger on the LS boards (in general) and everyone has a right to their choice in how they feel. While you have a choice to not even post here in the first place, you could also keep posting but not take on other people's stuff. I hope you do keep posting to help balance out the forums. There will always be people who just don't like you (or your advice/choices) no matter what. Who cares.

 

You are about 3 1/2 months ahead of me until I am 5 mos NC with my ex and I (selfishly) would like to see you continue to post about your experience(s) with your ex regardless of whether it leads to getting back together or not. I know in this situation the end result *is* what you are after (and what all of us are after with our own 2nd chances)... but I am more interested in the process. You appear to be very self-aware, actively trying on new behaviors, wanting to grow as a person, etc- and I find value to your posts because of this. If you and your ex try again, I'd be personally interested in learning from your future successes (and failures) for my own life in case my path crosses the ex's again.

 

The getting her back is really the easy part (I think) and thus this is why I'm more interested in the how. This is the part that I am often stuck on when I think of my ex. I don't think, "if we could just get one more chance"... I think, "how would we make it work?" (since 'issues' don't just miraculously disappear)

 

I have found your guides/posts to be full of great advice. One part that I disagree with is the strictness of the NC because sometimes I think you need *some* contact in order to have NO REGRETS. No matter how it turns out by trying with her again (and again if you need to) you will be giving yourself the gift of being able to look back and at some point have no regrets... regardless if you guys end up together or not. (For you though, I hope that ‘point’ is on your wedding day. )

 

You have 'tools' that you didn't have the last time you were with her and now you have the opportunity to actually go use them. Really, you can't ask God for much more than that.

[KittenMoon]

CaliGuy-

 

You've been omniprescent on the boards and I think you have a lot of good advice and I want to echo what the always intelligent and compassionate shelters has said- keep us up on the process. Whether it works or you fail, I can't imagine anyone else on this board who will be able impart the knowledge of it with greater understanding than you (and maybe Rio. Success is obviously sweeter, but we can learn a lot from failure as well. I hope this experience will help both you grow as well as the rest of us through shared experience. Good luck again.

[chocolate_boy]

Be careful. You say you aren't expecting anything but the effort you put into your first post belies your stated position. She can very easily stay with her bf and depend on you for some extra emotional support. You have a lot of faith in your guide but keep in mind that the torch you still carry for her can make you do things that go against your own rules - you are human like anybody else and emotions are stronger than guides. Just keep that in mind and don't let your guard down.

 

That is possibly the finest piece of advice and truism I've seen on this board in the last year.

 

Read this and read it again Cali. I wish you luck, but you are treading very dangerous ground here. She could be 100% over you and looking for the friendship thing, to me it doesn't sound you are into that at all, you could be setting yourself up for a lot of hurt, and back to square one.

 

But you do what you have to do buddy, this is gonna require you to be one HELL of a man and strong. In a way I'm in awe, I wouldn't be that brave, I tried something similar two months after my last split, and she had way moved on (despite us kissing, dating etc.) and I wasn't strong enough and ended up breaking down and she ran for the hills, not seen her since.

 

It's easy to build things up in your mind, but remember you MUST 100% tread this very carefully and be prepared for the barrage of emotions that are gonna flood over you (euphoria and depression I imagine), and be mentally ready to fight them and not break down.

 

Keep us updated!!

 

Good luck buddy, you're a soldier!

[chocolate_boy]

Thanks.

 

And thank you to Bateseal as well.

 

 

 

I think her being on her own for the past five months has opened her eyes up a bit. I also believe that me maintaining my distance has helped as well. My guess is hanging out on Saturday will be her little "test" to see how much I have changed.

 

I'm confident I will pass with flying colors.

 

Thanks again

 

Key points, she hasn't been on her own, she has been with another man, and STILL IS.

 

Carefully remember how she ditched you, fundimentally, despite "improving" yourself (I personally don't think there was anything wrong with how you behaived in the relationship before, it's tastes), you are still you, and she is still herself.

 

Not wanting to hurt you pal, just keep your feet on the ground here.

[shelters]

Thanks, KM... right back at ya, as well!!