7 weeks into breakup and my resolve is cracking

[officespace]

I'm 7 weeks into the break up. I want to say NC but I have emailed/left voicemail here and there about adminstrative issues.....getting stuff, cancelling plane tickets. I even invited him to my party because we were going to throw it together. At the time, I was so pissed I didn't even want to be with him in that way, and naively thought I could switch back to friends. Now my resolve is really breaking down.

 

What am I doing? I was so strong in the beginning. I miss him so much! Last night I finally sat down alone in my apartment and I just crumbled (I've been running around filling my time with what ever I can to keep busy). Last night, I couldn't stop crying. I am hurting so bad. I miss him so much. I don't miss what it was in the end, but I really miss the friendship. The new girlfriends I came to really rely on in these last few weeks have turned out to be not very good friends. I have to distance myself from them now and I feel even more alone. I am missing his friendship that much more. I feel so alone. I am going out too much and drinking too much and my moods are really up and down. I know I need to stop. I can't seem to break this pattern. If I go out, I feel regret. If I stay home, I sink even lower into loneliness and depression.

 

Had I known it would turn out this way, I would have never crossed that line. All this stuff on TV about 911 recently has really got me missing him, because I met him before that time, and we were working together when 911 happened.

 

How do I get thru this? I know he is missing me too, but he is too stubborn to pick up the phone and call me. He did look at my party invitation and he responded that he would be "out of town with the boys" (they went to a local casino). I guess he doesn't want me thinking he is sitting around while my life goes on. But honestly, even though I am trying to stay active, work out, go out with friends and have people over, I feel like I am just going thru the motions. I feel so depressed and so tired. I feel hideously ugly and old and unattractive. I've been eating too much lately and I gained 4 pounds (I am a gastric bypass patient and I am really dilligent about watching my weight now). I keep wondering if he is with someone new or if he is trying to get back with the W or if they have filed for divorce as they were on the brink of doing when I broke up.

 

I don't know what to do. I am dying inside. When will it end? I can't bring myself to go out with anyone else yet.

 

If he felt about me the way he said he does (and told his friends, who repeated the same stuff to me), how could he just let me go, let us go? How could he not want to do whatever it takes to keep what we had? I don't understand. I was willing to do anything to make it work. He wasn't willing to put in the work. Maybe the timing is wrong. I keep thinking in the back of my mind that maybe he will get all his business sorted out and come back in time, when it can be a real, full relationship. Am I foolish?

 

And why is it that when I call to ask a question (about my stuff or the trip we were going to take next month), he avoids my call? I haven't spoken to him on the phone or heard his voice since March 22. It's awful.

[zarathustra]

I'm 7 weeks into the break up. I want to say NC but I have emailed/left voicemail here and there about adminstrative issues.....getting stuff, cancelling plane tickets. I even invited him to my party because we were going to throw it together. At the time, I was so pissed I didn't even want to be with him in that way, and naively thought I could switch back to friends. Now my resolve is really breaking down.

 

What am I doing? I was so strong in the beginning. I miss him so much! Last night I finally sat down alone in my apartment and I just crumbled (I've been running around filling my time with what ever I can to keep busy). Last night, I couldn't stop crying. I am hurting so bad. I miss him so much. I don't miss what it was in the end, but I really miss the friendship. The new girlfriends I came to really rely on in these last few weeks have turned out to be not very good friends. I have to distance myself from them now and I feel even more alone. I am missing his friendship that much more. I feel so alone. I am going out too much and drinking too much and my moods are really up and down. I know I need to stop. I can't seem to break this pattern. If I go out, I feel regret. If I stay home, I sink even lower into loneliness and depression.

 

Had I known it would turn out this way, I would have never crossed that line. All this stuff on TV about 911 recently has really got me missing him, because I met him before that time, and we were working together when 911 happened.

 

How do I get thru this? I know he is missing me too, but he is too stubborn to pick up the phone and call me. He did look at my party invitation and he responded that he would be "out of town with the boys" (they went to a local casino). I guess he doesn't want me thinking he is sitting around while my life goes on. But honestly, even though I am trying to stay active, work out, go out with friends and have people over, I feel like I am just going thru the motions. I feel so depressed and so tired. I feel hideously ugly and old and unattractive. I've been eating too much lately and I gained 4 pounds (I am a gastric bypass patient and I am really dilligent about watching my weight now). I keep wondering if he is with someone new or if he is trying to get back with the W or if they have filed for divorce as they were on the brink of doing when I broke up.

 

I don't know what to do. I am dying inside. When will it end? I can't bring myself to go out with anyone else yet.

 

If he felt about me the way he said he does (and told his friends, who repeated the same stuff to me), how could he just let me go, let us go? How could he not want to do whatever it takes to keep what we had? I don't understand. I was willing to do anything to make it work. He wasn't willing to put in the work. Maybe the timing is wrong. I keep thinking in the back of my mind that maybe he will get all his business sorted out and come back in time, when it can be a real, full relationship. Am I foolish?

 

And why is it that when I call to ask a question (about my stuff or the trip we were going to take next month), he avoids my call? I haven't spoken to him on the phone or heard his voice since March 22. It's awful.

 

OS, I'm soooo sorry to hear about how you feel. I've been there... the not being able to stop crying bit. Yep, I know how you feel and I feel your pain. The problem is that you keep thinking that he will come back. Until you can let go of that hope, you won't heal. That hope you have, is no different than you picking on a scab so that you won't heal. Its hard, I know... but you will come to realize that YOU have the control as to what YOU hope for.

 

If he's not returning your call, most likely he is back together with his wife. Most likely, they are working on their M. Most likely he's enjoying playing daddy to his kids. I'm not saying all this to be cruel, but there's a reason he's not calling you back.

 

You miss him, yes, but what do you miss of him? Right now, you are missing the good parts, but what about the bad? What about leaving you to pick up the peices of your life back on your own? What about not making it easy for you to get your stuff back? What about breaking plans with you for your trip together? He left you in a lurch! Focus back on the reality of the situation. I don't know if it will work for you, but it did for me. Let go of the hope and you'll be able to get through this.

 

Big huge hugs to you!!

[officespace]

 

If he's not returning your call, most likely he is back together with his wife. Most likely, they are working on their M. Most likely he's enjoying playing daddy to his kids. I'm not saying all this to be cruel, but there's a reason he's not calling you back.

 

What about leaving you to pick up the peices of your life back on your own? What about not making it easy for you to get your stuff back? What about breaking plans with you for your trip together? He left you in a lurch! quote]

 

Well....here's the thing. They are separated and he has had his own place since September As of when I brokeup, she told him he could no longer come see the kids at her place, he had to take them always to his place. I wonder if that decision stuck. I don't think they would be fully "back together" yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to get back once his lease is up in September and if he doesn't find another girl to replace me.

 

The thing with my stuff is.....twice I arranged to come get it.....twice I flaked out. Not him. And as far as the trip, it was my idea to go to NYC, I booked the tickets, he reimbursed me.....and then I broke up before we ended up going.

 

I just don't get why he doesn't want to talk on the phone other than he is hurting too. He has been nice in his email replies. Nothing personal, just pleasant.

 

I know I need to move on. This is ridiculous. I am investing all this mental energy in a relationship that doesn't exist. I just can't think objectively anymore. At least not today. It may get better tomorrow. I am supposed to join a tennis league tonight but I have NO energy to play. Maybe I will just force myself to do it anyway.

[movinon05]

OS, Sweetie, I know how you feel. And I'm sorry you're having such a bad time of it. I agree with what Zara had to say, but I also want to say this to you having come out the other side.

 

I just went back and read one of your threads to reaquaint myself with your situation. And in it, was some of the e-mails he wrote to you, being very cruel. From what I saw and from what I'm hearing now, I think you have got to realize that he is not coming back. He may be back with his W (but I doubt it from what I saw) or yes, he may even be seeing someone else. You'll never know. But if he is not returning your calls or e-mails or whatever for over a month now, there is a reason. In the end, I "think" he made no promises to you, if I read it right. However, cruel he is being, the best thing for you is to stop contacting him. You keep setting yourself up to get knocked down again.

 

I really hope you don't think I'm being harsh and I KNOW you are hurting. But even if you got answers to all your questions, it still would not change the fact that he is probably not coming back. You need to realize that you are going through a grieving process. It is like a death. And there are going to be times that you just BURST out crying. I know you feel that your life is crumbling, but you have got to pick yourself up. Give yourself time to cry, and then STOP yourself. My therapist told me to allow myself to cry or whatever I had to do, for 5 minutes. And then STOP MYSELF. I wasn't too keen on that idea, but guess what? I did it. Once I realized I was giving over my strength and wallowing in misery, I just thought to myself, "I have to stop crying. I have to get moving. I have to get ahold of myself." And then I would slowly come out of it.

 

How are you going to get through this? You are going to get through this by taking one day at a time. Or even one hour at a time when you're really in a bad way. Or even one minute. Baby steps. I don't think that I would go rushing into dating right now. You are not ready mentally, emotionally or physically. You have to bring a whole person into a relationship and right now, you're not there.

 

And you WILL get through this. Look at us! Talk to us! Keep posting! These girls are fabulous.

[zarathustra]

Well....here's the thing. They are separated and he has had his own place since September As of when I brokeup, she told him he could no longer come see the kids at her place, he had to take them always to his place. I wonder if that decision stuck. I don't think they would be fully "back together" yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to get back once his lease is up in September and if he doesn't find another girl to replace me.

Anything can happen. He's not updating you with information, so likely he's moving on. My xMM's wife also said to him that they can't ever get back together, that he's like a drunk driver that killed someone and nothing can right that wrong. And what now? He's home. With her. Playing happy family of four. I guess what I'm saying is that if he's not with you and he wants to be a dad to his kids, then it would be easiest if he's back with W.

 

The thing with my stuff is.....twice I arranged to come get it.....twice I flaked out. Not him. And as far as the trip, it was my idea to go to NYC, I booked the tickets, he reimbursed me.....and then I broke up before we ended up going.

The point isn't who broke it off but who emotionally pulled out of the relationship. If he didn't pull out of the relationship on an emotional standpoint you wouldn't be where you are today. You would be together. I was the one who told my xMM that I had no business being in a relationship with him. Though I was the one who said the words, it was his heart that was not in the relationship anymore. That is why I am here and that is why he isn't. I'm really sorry you are going through this, I really am, but making excuses for him doesn't change the pain of reality.

 

I just don't get why he doesn't want to talk on the phone other than he is hurting too. He has been nice in his email replies. Nothing personal, just pleasant.

you don't want to hear his voice. Trust me. You'll just be pulled back to square one. You cannot assume what he feels. He's not giving you details so assume he's just trying to wrap things up as you are trying to wrap things up.

 

I know I need to move on. This is ridiculous. I am investing all this mental energy in a relationship that doesn't exist. I just can't think objectively anymore. At least not today. It may get better tomorrow. I am supposed to join a tennis league tonight but I have NO energy to play. Maybe I will just force myself to do it anyway.

Yeah, just make yourself go. If you don't, you'll wonder what you missed. If you go, at least all you'll have missed is sitting at home feeling badly for a circumstance you had no control over.

[Walking away]

My thoughts are with you.

 

As are my prayers.

 

I, too, know the pain that you go through.

 

 

It is excruciating and agonizing. But, it will get better. A few years ago, a man I had been seeing for five years left me. For the first time in my 39 years of my life, I was dumped. I was inconsolable. I barely functioned at work, at home, and anywhere else. I was heavy duty into the grieving process. And, I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I mean, I was at the BOTTOM of the pit.

 

But, here's the thing. I crawled my way out. It took a few months, but one day I just woke up and felt better. Just like that. I grieved heavily, then I healed. I am a fighter and have a fighting spirit, and I guess I got to a point where I wanted to get ME back. Now, I look better and feel better than I ever did when I was with him. He was FAR beneath my standards, and still is.

 

That man, after 18 months, contacted me a few weeks ago. And, guess what? I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. For, I believe that is the opposite of love....not hatred, just apathy. I just don't care.

 

I have walked in your shoes, and it sucks. Big time. But, I survived and you will too. And, you will come out of this stronger and wiser than you were before. And that man won't even be able to make your heart even skip a beat when you get there. I promise.

 

We are here for you in your moments of need.

 

Hugs

WA

 

Groanings that cannot be uttered are often prayers that cannot go unanswered...

[RealityCheck]

Both Zara and Movinon has some excellent sound words.....

 

Zara addressed that rather than focusing on all the passion, lust and good things you shared with this man, REMEMBER all the horrible feelings.

Remembering all the horrible feelings was what I did and how I was able to let go.

 

MovinOn did address that you keep setting yourself up for a fall. She is so correct. I believe we have all made that same mistake in the experience. I was constantly fighting my denials. It made me feel so darn mad at myself. I was tired of being angry with myself and allowing him to dictate when we would see each other, giving me a "safe" time to call etc....

H*ll, I left my marriage for lessor reasons!

 

My heart goes out to you. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced!

[officespace]

you are right, Z. he did pull out emotionally first. i feel like i am exploding inside with all this unexpressed frustration and anger toward him....stuff i held back on saying when we broke up. i don't know how to resolve it. i guess i was set off today because his friend posted some comments to my myspace and asked, aren't you talking to MM. That sent me to the edge thinking he hasn't even told his good friend, who he used to talk to about me all the time (i think his friend was playing stupid. my ex LOVES to talk about relationships to his friends, unlike some guys). anyway.....i am stuggling to make it until the end of the day when i can crawl into bed at home. i am doing ANYTHING at this point to make myself feel better, even if it's vain, surface crap like pedicure, tanning, new clothes, even laser treatments on my face. i know it's not the answer but i feel so ugly right now. when we broke up in oct, he told his best friend and later me how he felt so unwhole, how he didn't feel like a man when he wasn't with me, how ugly and hideous he felt. Now I understand how he felt. I feel like I did before I lost all my weight. I haven't been this low, this crushed in depression in a LONG time.

 

you know, you are right about setting myself up to get knocked down. i think it hurts worse to have any contact than no contact at all.

[officespace]

thank you so much for your support. it is HUGE to me. i really need it.

[movinon05]

you are right, Z. he did pull out emotionally first. i feel like i am exploding inside with all this unexpressed frustration and anger toward him....stuff i held back on saying when we broke up. i don't know how to resolve it. i guess i was set off today because his friend posted some comments to my myspace and asked, aren't you talking to MM. That sent me to the edge thinking he hasn't even told his good friend, who he used to talk to about me all the time (i think his friend was playing stupid. my ex LOVES to talk about relationships to his friends, unlike some guys). anyway.....i am stuggling to make it until the end of the day when i can crawl into bed at home. i am doing ANYTHING at this point to make myself feel better, even if it's vain, surface crap like pedicure, tanning, new clothes, even laser treatments on my face. i know it's not the answer but i feel so ugly right now. when we broke up in oct, he told his best friend and later me how he felt so unwhole, how he didn't feel like a man when he wasn't with me, how ugly and hideous he felt. Now I understand how he felt. I feel like I did before I lost all my weight. I haven't been this low, this crushed in depression in a LONG time.

 

you know, you are right about setting myself up to get knocked down. i think it hurts worse to have any contact than no contact at all.

 

Then try to resolve not to allow yourself to get knocked down again. Because you will only feel worse about yourself. And if you have to do things for you to make yourself feel better, do it. Just as an aside, don't go rushing into laser surgery in the state you are in. That kind of decision should be made with your mind in the right place, not as a bandaid.

 

And don't worry about what he told his friend. All of our MMs said things like that, but it didn't change things, did it?

 

I could be wrong, but I have a feeling that for one thing, he is dealing with his W, the divorce, the battles, the kids, etc. which does take an emotional toll. But I think he might also be liking his new found freedom to go out with the guys and not be accountable to anyone. He may just be having fun now, releasing his pent up emotions by doing guy things or whatever he's doing. I say this because if he is really still in the throws of the divorce and would "sign the papers today" like he said in his e-mail, then he may not want to deal with anything emotional when it comes to women. I don't know. This is just a guess. I'm not taking up for him. Its just a hunch.

 

I know I loved the freedom I had to do things after the D (even if I wasn't with exMM).

 

You'll be okay. Little things will trigger you. You'll go down, but you'll pull yourself back up. Trust me on this one.

[kenny]

I just wanted to say that I know how you feel. I am in my fifth month of no contact and am finally starting to get myself together. I agree with the other ladies...one day at a time...one step at a time. The thing that ultimately helped me though was prayer.