Guest Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 My situation is this. I have cheated on my boyfriend four times in the last year. Three times actually involved sex. The other time was just making out. All of the times involved alcohol. I was really drunk and made horrible decisions. The last time was two months ago and was only making out. I absolutely love this guy. We are now engaged and I just recently told him about the cheating. He is willing to forgive me and still wants to marry me. I still feel horrible for cheating and then not telling him about it until after we got engaged. I feel pretty low as a person. I said after every time that it will never happen again. Then I put myself in the same situation by getting really drunk. I just need some advise on what I can do to make this all better for me and my fiance. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Baybee9404 Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 I have a question for you, you say you really love this guy. When you love somebody as much as you say you do they are always in you mind no matter what the situation is. So the first time i can see as a mistake it happened whatever, but the second third, and fourth time are not mistakes. Im sorry you dont love this guy as much as you think you do because if you did it would have only happend once not many times. We are the only ones who can control our surroundings and what is happening in the surroundings. Being drunk is a lame excuse. I can promise you that your boyfriend can forgive you but he will never forget and he will never trust you again and it will have a big strain on the relationship. My advice to you is if you are really in love with this guy stop drinking and putting yourself in those kinds of situations. Link to post Share on other sites
Alexandra Posted May 5, 2006 Share Posted May 5, 2006 This is somewhat off topic but it raises an interesting question. Should one tell their SO about cheating? Why, why not? Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Once a cheater always a cheater. Sorry M'dear, but what'll stop you from further cheating in the future when you're married? Your best bet would be not to marry him, you're not in love. Your selfish antics have lead you this far, so just start over. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 You cannot salvage this relationship, I'm sure you destroyed the last bit of trust he had in you. Also, what would stop you from cheating when you're married; when you cant even control yourself now? This is somewhat off topic but it raises an interesting question. Should one tell their SO about cheating? Why, why not? Some say, "Sometimes you should just keep it to yourself." However, to me, that is selfish. If you're going to cheat (kissing or sex) why hurt the other person? No one deserves that crap. So yes, you should tell the other person. Why? Because they have a right to know. It takes 2 to make a relationship work. Trust, Communication, and Love are all precious devices in terms of commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 4 times in one year? There is no way you can make things better. He will never trust you again. Alcohol is no excuse. If he does find a way to forgvive you one thing is certain you can never drink again or go out to bars or clubs without him. You have absolutely no self control. You should just break up with him. You're not mature enough to be in a committed relationship and he deserves someone who actually loves him enough to treat him with at least 1 ounce of respect. You guys aren't even married and you can't keep your legs closed. It will only get worse. As another poster said "once a cheater always a cheater". That isn't 100% true but its usually 75% true. Most cheaters never truly stop cheating. They may stop for years but they eventually slip again. You are a Serial Cheater. Serial Cheaters rarely reform (maybe 5%). You need therapy big time and he needs a new girlfriend. Not trying to be harsh just being honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 im gonna gouge my god damn eyes out next time some genius says they love someone they've cheated on, especially multiple times. i mean, its just simple, dont go spread your legs for some dude if you have a bf, youre the type of girl that causes all guys to not trust females around guys. Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted May 6, 2006 Share Posted May 6, 2006 Hi guest, If you are still around. I wont comment on whether you should or shouldnt stay in your relationship. You NEED to find the reason for your behaviour. The real reason, the root. Then you need to do everything in your power to resolve that. Councelling is probably in order. What you did is wrong, there is no denying that. Truly acknowledge that and truly put yourself into your boyfriends shoes. Feel his pain. If you make excuses for yourself you will not truly be addressing the issue. The simple fact is you must not drink. Alcohol affects certain people in a different way to others. There is a REASON for you doing this. You must find that reason, even if you do not stay in this relationship, if you do not resolve whatever issue you have that results in your cheating, it will follow you into any relationship you have. Fix You. And if your boyfriend is willing to stay with you, you make damn sure you dont drink anymore. If you do, you will lose him forever. Think about whether drinking with friends is worth losing your boyfriend, for good, and having him reach capacity on his s***ometer. If he reaches capacity, you will find out what life is like without him. You will confirm for yourself that you are "really low". Do you think you are really low? Who set the standard of you being low? Is that the standard you want to set for yourself? Are you subconsiously trying to confirm that you are "low" because you dont like yourself? If you black out and do things you regret when you drink, think about what are you getting out of being drunk? Pain. So why do you want to be in pain? Your boyfriend obviously loves you very much if he is willing to stay with you. Set new standards for yourself. Do NOT break them. He may be withdrawn from you due to his being extremely hurt by this. Knowing you cheated on him that many times when he cares about you so much can be soul destroying for him. How does he feel - will you ever change? do you actually just not care about him and are feeding him a pack of lies? what can he do to fix you? what did he do wrong? is he a fool and a wuss to accept this behaviour from you? his self respect is probably seriously compromised. Read the stories of the people here who have been cheated on like this and see what it does to them. Not to beat yourself up, but so that you can see what your boyfriend feels. COUNCELLING. Link to post Share on other sites
deelite Posted May 7, 2006 Share Posted May 7, 2006 Hey i know people tend to do some pretty dumb things when drunk but come on unless some one dropped something in your drink 4 times in a row ??on seperate occasions ? why are you even still there? do you want to punish him ,did he do some thing incredable unforgiveable ??? if the answer to these questions is no ...then why are you still with him and letting things move along heading for marriage?? . You obviously dont want to be there or you wouldnt be doing things to try to make him hate you or push you away.. This is your real self saying hey i dont want this or this isnt the place i am meant to be right now ..or i dont deserve this guy what ever it is i dont believe any one has the right to mess with some one on this scale , This stuff scars people for life and messes with thier self esteem and makes them disfunctional partners in the future for any one else.. Im sorry if i sound harsh...cheating is one of those things for me... Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted May 8, 2006 Share Posted May 8, 2006 To be honest, I think the fiance has something wrong in his head for forgiving this -- he either hasn't enough spine or he will in the future be very bothered by this. His g/f that he loves and wants to marry and take care of has been putting his future (pregnancy that may be attributed to him), pride and health in jeapardy. I think he needs to think through this very hard. As to fixing it? Don't drink Don't hang with these guys anymore Make sure you really love him Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted May 8, 2006 Share Posted May 8, 2006 That poor sonofabitch. Right now he's probably so shellshocked at the idea that the woman he was planning to marry would do this to him, that he's floundering around looking for something to hold onto. Anything that will keep him afloat, no matter how perilously. Right now, he'd probably marry you even if you told him you wanted to keep screwing other guys. How would Oscar Wilde have put it? "To have one ONS when drunk can be regarded as a mistake. Two seems like carelessness." There is something massively wrong in the relationship, whether you see it or not. People who are totally happy in their relationships DON'T bang somebody else. This is somewhat off topic but it raises an interesting question. Should one tell their SO about cheating? Why, why not? Yes, one should. And it's not just because "honesty is the best policy." Something like cheating is HUGE. Guest's fiance was owed the truth, and has the right to make decisions about his future armed with all the information. Unfortunately for Guest, that includes the fact that his fiancee cheated on him with multiple random guys. Guest, let the poor bugger go. Let him find somebody else. And if you won't do that, don't marry him for at least a year, and until you two have spent some serious time in counselling. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I Know What You Are Feeling Cause I Did The Same Thing Just Hope You Really Feel The Same Way About Your Partner Cause It Shows That He Really Loves You If He Forgave You Just Dont Do This Anymore Cause If You Do You Going To End Up Loosing Him Trust Me Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 To be honest, I think the fiance has something wrong in his head for forgiving this -- he either hasn't enough spine or he will in the future be very bothered by this. thats what i was thinking too. I bet this chick was all too willing to let her fiance take her back, without thinking about how messed up his own mind must be to even consider that, i guess cheaters never stop thinking about just themselves Link to post Share on other sites
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