In love w/ best friend's girl

[Scott]

I have found the love of my life. I know she's the one. Everything I ever read about love verifies my feelings. We can talk for hours about anything - there is nobody else (girl or guy) I could do that with. We agree on how we want to live life and raise children. We respect eachother's intelligence. We know eachother's flaws. There's just one little problem - she's my best friend's girlfriend. I am losing my mind. Last night I was up 3 hours because I couldn't get her out of my thoughts. I just want her to be there with me, and everything will be alright then - I would have no more anxiety ever again. But I can't even tell her how I feel. And I'm even giving her relationship advice - I can't make it seem like I want her to break up with my friend. The thing is, I know its not working out between them and the only reason I tell her to stay with him is because there's always hope (it's distant though). However, I know him, and I know he's not what she wants (in his present form). He doesn't even get religion which IS HER LIFE. But I know I would make her happy. I know we have somethign nobody else could have. We have a shared experience of growing with eachother, spiritually and emotionally. The more we are apart, the more I love her. I feel so bad for him though. My reasoning is purely logical - I know that she will have more success in life with me than him no matter how I calculate it.

 

I could talk endlessly, but I think you get the point.

 

What should I do? Should I tell her how I feel now (shouldn't she know someone better wants her)? Should I wait to see if she breaks up with him? Should I get over it (which I never will fully)? Is it right to pursue her at all?

[Marzipan75]

Hi,

 

I think you should wait and see what happens. Also for the time being, maybe you shouldn't talk to her so much or spend so much time around her. I think you should get a little distance in there. Is your friend at all suspicious of you two talking about their relationship? I'm not sure but if she's confiding in you this can also be part of the problem. She thinks of you as a friend and maybe more but that's probably not something she's willing to admit either to you or to herself. She may subconsiously like you in that way and no know it. It's best to let things come slowly. If she breaks up with him then I'd say she's fair game, otherwise you are in a sticky situation if your friend finds out you wanna make a play for his then girlfriend. You might end up ruining two friendships at once.

 

I think you should stay put. And in the mean time, don't spend so much time talking to her because you may have already revealed to her that you like her and not know it.

 

I hope it works out for you, I really do. You sound confused though and I think you have every right to be. Her behavior in talking to you about the boyfriend is confusing.

 

Marz

I have found the love of my life. I know she's the one. Everything I ever read about love verifies my feelings. We can talk for hours about anything - there is nobody else (girl or guy) I could do that with. We agree on how we want to live life and raise children. We respect eachother's intelligence. We know eachother's flaws. There's just one little problem - she's my best friend's girlfriend. I am losing my mind. Last night I was up 3 hours because I couldn't get her out of my thoughts. I just want her to be there with me, and everything will be alright then - I would have no more anxiety ever again. But I can't even tell her how I feel. And I'm even giving her relationship advice - I can't make it seem like I want her to break up with my friend. The thing is, I know its not working out between them and the only reason I tell her to stay with him is because there's always hope (it's distant though). However, I know him, and I know he's not what she wants (in his present form). He doesn't even get religion which IS HER LIFE. But I know I would make her happy. I know we have somethign nobody else could have. We have a shared experience of growing with eachother, spiritually and emotionally. The more we are apart, the more I love her. I feel so bad for him though. My reasoning is purely logical - I know that she will have more success in life with me than him no matter how I calculate it.

 

I could talk endlessly, but I think you get the point. What should I do? Should I tell her how I feel now (shouldn't she know someone better wants her)? Should I wait to see if she breaks up with him? Should I get over it (which I never will fully)? Is it right to pursue her at all?

[Scott]

You are probably right about keeping a distance from her. The thing is, I'm essentially forced to anyway (physically), with me away at college and her at home, but we talk over instant messager almost exclusively anyway. And she is ALWAYS the one who contacts me first, pretty much every time she goes online. And the things she shares are much more personal than I mentioned (I'm the second person she mentioned her eating disorder to; I'm probably one of the only ones who knows she was almost raped (in explicit detail)...). Anyway, I guess I could forcefully end our conversations, but I don't want her to think I DON'T like her. But I know my friend is suspicious, though he is suspicious of any male friend she has. And he indicated to her how he thinks I side with her on issues (which I do since she is usually right). In addtion, though I could be looking too hard into what she says, I may have gotten signals from her. For example, when we were talking about me finding a girlfriend (which she brought up because my friend told her to), she not only said I should wait until later to date, but that I shouldn't tell my friend (her bf) she said that! I can't help but read between the lines. And another thing, she told me the main reason she started going out with him was because he wasn't interested in sex for a change. This guy can be very emotionally unstable and I worry what he would do if he lost her (he said to her he wouldn't want to live). Plus I don't know how our friendship would be like it used to be if we got together.

 

Anyway, there's probably not much more I should do at this point but stay put, as you say. I'll try my best to handle this delicate situation by considering all sides and looking to God for guidance. Thanks very much for your advice.

Hi, I think you should wait and see what happens. Also for the time being, maybe you shouldn't talk to her so much or spend so much time around her. I think you should get a little distance in there. Is your friend at all suspicious of you two talking about their relationship? I'm not sure but if she's confiding in you this can also be part of the problem. She thinks of you as a friend and maybe more but that's probably not something she's willing to admit either to you or to herself. She may subconsiously like you in that way and no know it. It's best to let things come slowly. If she breaks up with him then I'd say she's fair game, otherwise you are in a sticky situation if your friend finds out you wanna make a play for his then girlfriend. You might end up ruining two friendships at once. I think you should stay put. And in the mean time, don't spend so much time talking to her because you may have already revealed to her that you like her and not know it. I hope it works out for you, I really do. You sound confused though and I think you have every right to be. Her behavior in talking to you about the boyfriend is confusing. Marz