True Intimacy-Sex and Intimacy.

[basscatcher]

I was watching 'Starting Over' today while sitting at home and the topic was about true intimacy.

It triggered in me that Charlie and I didn't/don't have true intimacy. He isn't open to me.

I looked at the relationships previous him and I could see which ones did and didn't have that foundation and whether or not it was able to grow.

The one relationship that hurt me the worse was the one I was openly intimate in.

Below I found a interesting article about intimacy:

 

Sex and intimacy are not the same thing.

Sex has become a "catch-all" term which seems, today, to have almost no boundaries, no parameters, and no limits on its applications ... or misapplications.

Intimacy has much deeper meaning and purpose than sex.

The dictionary definition of intimacy states that intimacy means a state of being intimate -- and then it goes on to define the word intimate as pertaining to the inmost character of something; fundamental; essential; the most private and personal; closely acquainted or associated ...

Think about that definition for a moment: Intimacy pertains to the inmost character of something ... that which is most private and personal.

When two people become intimate, that means that they are closer to each other in every way than anyone else in the entire world is close to either of them. They know each other better, closer, and more intimately than anyone else knows them.

Sex can be and frequently is counterfeited.

True intimacy can never be counterfeited.

Sex without intimacy is counterfeit. It is violent theft. It is animal, not human. And because humans have thoughts and feelings and emotions and a spiritual dimension that animals don't have, illicit sex has long-term destructive implications.

Intimacy is the most important, the most precious, the most desirable quality that can ever be attained in any relationship. It far transcends and supercedes sex. Sexual intimacy certainly is thrilling, exhilarating, and causes a tremendous rush ... however, the sexual aspect of intimacy can only achieve its optimum effect when it is shared exclusively between a husband and wife who have given themselves exclusively to each other.

 

 

Reading this has given me some clarity why I feel more bonded and attracted to certain persons. Especially, certain men that have been and are in my life.

 

There is one in particular that I don't care to elaborate on at this time. (not Charlie) that I feel very close too that I can't let go of in my life. I have and am able to open myself up to him about intimate details of myself that normally I would be scared, embarressed or humiliated to share with anyone else.

 

I wonder if most of us here is LS get ourselves into relationships that will faulter because we are afraid of opening ourselves up to true intimacy.

Becoming vulnerable to the another person by sharing with them our internal selfs that we don't share with the rest of the world?

 

I think many of us have been wounded and are afraid to trust our inner-selves with another person again. Completely.

 

I know I wish I had the nerve to just dive head first into a certain persons life but I am afraid too because of fear of being hurt. So I keep my distance from this certain person-to a degree-and I get involved with other men whom I can't dive into and invest due to a lack of intimacy. I think I've sabotage my own relationships from the start without realizing it by getting involved with men who can't invest intimately which inturns alienates me and I pull away.

 

I don't know if I made any sense to anyone about my awareness but it makes sense to me.

 

Does anyone else see how they avoid true intimacy by sabotaging their own relationships by purposely getting involved with someone who can't?

[quankanne]

I think I've sabotage my own relationships from the start without realizing it by getting involved with men who can't invest intimately which inturns alienates me and I pull away.

 

my first boyfriend was like that with me, so even while I didn't *love* him, it hurt that he could distance himself from me when I thought I was being open with him and not demanding anything except a physical relationship! I think his behavior triggered something similar in me, so that every relationship I had after him, I was that way with men. It was so easy to just fall into a physical relationship with someone, compared to an intimately emotional one because it was my way of distancing myself from someone so that I couldn't be as hurt when they left/never called back/etc

 

to a degree, as close as my husband and I are, I don't think I've fully shared everything, especially the stuff that I hold dear to my heart for fear of him rejecting or ridiculing it.

 

dumb, isn't it?

[basscatcher]

to a degree, as close as my husband and I are, I don't think I've fully shared everything, especially the stuff that I hold dear to my heart for fear of him rejecting or ridiculing it.

 

dumb, isn't it?

 

I don't think its dumb its self protection and preservation of being hurt again. You're not ready to move forward with total intimacy. IMO

[quankanne]

I was hoping the marriage enrichment retreats/classes would help remove this "fear," but then again maybe to some degree, people hang on to those reservations as part of their defense mechanism.

[alphamale]

i don't like my balls flying freely in the wind...they get cut off too often

 

*scratch*

[basscatcher]

I was hoping the marriage enrichment retreats/classes would help remove this "fear," but then again maybe to some degree, people hang on to those reservations as part of their defense mechanism.

 

I don't think you came out of those retreats/classes without learning something about yourselfs and one another.

I wish I knew of something like those retreats/classes that would help me in my singleness.

 

I believe we all carry defense mechanisms from the hurts in our past. None of us wants to be hurt.

To acheive a complete intimate relationship takes time and mutual growth.

I need to break my unhealthy patterns and change my beliefs in order to find true happiness and I have to do this for ME not someone else.

[basscatcher]

i don't like my balls flying freely in the wind...they get cut off too often

 

*scratch*

 

WTF--Alpha you are such a clown!! You need to borrow A_C avi!!

[quankanne]

since you live in a metropolitan area, I'm thinking there surely are a lot of good resources for a single, similar to couples' enrichment stuff. Check with local churches or organizations that deal with singles. Or see if there's anything online? Must think this one through, because I imagine there'd be a huge market for something like this!

[basscatcher]

since you live in a metropolitan area, I'm thinking there surely are a lot of good resources for a single, similar to couples' enrichment stuff. Check with local churches or organizations that deal with singles. Or see if there's anything online? Must think this one through, because I imagine there'd be a huge market for something like this!

 

I've looked. I've had little luck.

Most help for singles is directed towards counceling. Or the singles groups are directed towards abstinance.

 

I see nothing wrong with abstinance; although, I don't believe I can keep my legs closed. Wow that sounds bad... My own mother told me I will live in the confessional booth until I am married because of sex..

[quankanne]

yeah, pada, but think of how those poor guys will look forward to a spicy confession! Especially when you think of the hundreds they hear each year: yours could stand out! :D

 

I think there's an untapped market for those kind of personal enrichment events for singles, if no one has thought of it yet!

[basscatcher]

yeah, pada, but think of how those poor guys will look forward to a spicy confession! Especially when you think of the hundreds they hear each year: yours could stand out! :D

 

I think there's an untapped market for those kind of personal enrichment events for singles, if no one has thought of it yet!

 

I don't think my sex confessions are that juicy. I'm a woman looking to be loved and accepted not trying to create a erotic, rauncy sex video. I'm sure they hear worse--much worse..

 

 

 

From what I have heard there is a untapped market for personal enrichment events for singles in the market of relationships. When I was involved with an 'Uncoupling" support group we discussed this. When I was calling around for support I ran into this comment too from agencies and counceling centers.

[Walk]

I didn't understand the full idea of your OP. Ran across this today though, and wondered if this is what you were saying.

 

Hara Estroff Marano of Psychology Today Magazine says: "Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy; intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness and self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadness as well as hopes and dreams".

 

Don't know of any groups around here either... definitely need something like that.

[basscatcher]

I didn't understand the full idea of your OP. Ran across this today though, and wondered if this is what you were saying.

 

 

 

Don't know of any groups around here either... definitely need something like that.

 

Yep, your understanding is the same as what I was posting about.

 

If you don't know about the show on tv called "Starting Over" its about a group of women who come together in a house that is run by life coachs. the women come in with a array of issues that has held them back from succeeding in life.

 

The topic yesterday was about True Intimacy. When they asked the women to talk about sex and then furthered the discussion on about what each of them thought intimacy was there was a difference in how each of them viewed it. They then focused on how each women could obtain intimacy in their lives in different ways.

 

Thats when I did a search online to see more talk about the subject. There was A LOT about SEX... I had to really look for the true meaning and find a topic soley about intimacy before sex.

 

It was interesting how I was able to see when looking back at the different relationships I've had over the years and see which ones I had intimacy in and which ones I didn't. The ones I had it in I was emotionally sensitive too and was hurt and the ones I didn't have it in I wasn't as sensitive.

 

For Example:

I didn't/haven't had true intimacy with Charlie because he doesn't open up or respond to me acceptably so I have protected myself from becoming too vulnerable to him. I haven't shared my inner most thoughts and feelings because the security of true intimacy is lacked.

[Walk]

You wouldn't happen to have the URL's of any of those websites you found, would you? I'd be interested in reading about that.

[basscatcher]

You wouldn't happen to have the URL's of any of those websites you found, would you? I'd be interested in reading about that.

Do a search for "True Intimacy". I searched on MSN. I found the article I copied and pasted in the OP on the second search page.

I can't put the URL's in here because of advertisment.

It would be interesting to see what you can find on the subject that strikes you.?

[Sassy]

I was watching 'Starting Over' today while sitting at home and the topic was about true intimacy.

 

It triggered in me that Charlie and I didn't/don't have true intimacy. He isn't open to me.

I looked at the relationships previous him and I could see which ones did and didn't have that foundation and whether or not it was able to grow.

The one relationship that hurt me the worse was the one I was openly intimate in.

Below I found a interesting article about intimacy:

 

 

 

Reading this has given me some clarity why I feel more bonded and attracted to certain persons. Especially, certain men that have been and are in my life.

 

There is one in particular that I don't care to elaborate on at this time. (not Charlie) that I feel very close too that I can't let go of in my life. I have and am able to open myself up to him about intimate details of myself that normally I would be scared, embarressed or humiliated to share with anyone else.

 

I wonder if most of us here is LS get ourselves into relationships that will faulter because we are afraid of opening ourselves up to true intimacy.

Becoming vulnerable to the another person by sharing with them our internal selfs that we don't share with the rest of the world?

 

I think many of us have been wounded and are afraid to trust our inner-selves with another person again. Completely.

 

I know I wish I had the nerve to just dive head first into a certain persons life but I am afraid too because of fear of being hurt. So I keep my distance from this certain person-to a degree-and I get involved with other men whom I can't dive into and invest due to a lack of intimacy. I think I've sabotage my own relationships from the start without realizing it by getting involved with men who can't invest intimately which inturns alienates me and I pull away.

 

I don't know if I made any sense to anyone about my awareness but it makes sense to me.

 

Does anyone else see how they avoid true intimacy by sabotaging their own relationships by purposely getting involved with someone who can't?

 

 

One of my friends got me interested in this show and i have learned alot from Starting Over show. I look foward to everyday watching and learning things about myself as well. I learned on here you can't blame noone for what is happening in your relationship but yourself . I allow things to be done to me and it is my fault cause i don't feel worthy of myself. !!

[quankanne]

Thats when I did a search online to see more talk about the subject. There was A LOT about SEX... I had to really look for the true meaning and find a topic soley about intimacy before sex.

 

I wonder if that's because people tend to identify physical intimacy with intimacy itself?

 

that sucks about the lack of information on personal enrichment – I did a yahoo search and came up with links to continuing education and how to be a better businessman, but hardly anything that helped a person concentrate on their life in a more specific area! Unless I should be browsing through self-help topics? Those would more likely touch on intimacy ...

[1Gravity]

Your partner needs to be emotionally available for true intimacy to occur. Schnarch writes lots about this in "Passionate Marriage." He recommends eyes open kissing, eyes open sex and eyes open orgasm, all things that sounds simple yet are difficult to do.