...what do I do now?I am lost...

[bambi]

Hey Guys,

 

I just joined LS a couple of days ago (when all my misery started) and I think it is very great how supportive are You with people who are in need...that's why I thought I'll try to tell my story and maybe become wiser...

My story is quite long but You need to know it in order to understand the current situation...so:

 

I met my (ex)bf last May,when we both started at the same job.First we just started to talk,gradually it became friendship and without realizing it,by mid-June it formed into a very strong attraction...we are both young,he is now 20 and I am 21,but for him I was the very first relationship...although he is very mature,never had any urge to go out and "hunt " for new girls or wanted to know how it is with others,because he said he is perfectly aware of how rare and precious is what we have...

Okay,so we got together and we were both very happy but within two days into our relationship he just dumped me in a text...I didn't know what to think,was very confused and furious...and yet,within a couple of days we just ended up talking again and it turned out that he had silly thoughts of what I would expect from him,like that I would always want to be with him and not let him to enjoy his own time and carry on with his hobby...I just laughed at all these things,we talked it over and sorted everything out...time went on and we had a great time,we grew a lot together,and both fell in love a looot...

 

Now,You need to know that unfortunately I had a very bad childhood (with an alcoholic and abusive father,My Mum /who is loving and we adore each other/not being able to quit her bad relationships and also financial problems) that were still having their effects on me...and maybe because of all these things or not,who knows,I have quite low self-confidence and I am feeling very bad in my skin most of the time...

So as time went on,my bf started to feel unconfortable about seeing me worrying about all these things I can't change and not being able to help.

 

The problems started about in October,when once we've been chatting on MSN and he broke out that he can not see this any more and that I need to do something about how I am and get rid of all the useless problems...we ended up breaking up,but within a couple of days we were back together since we coudn't stay away,we love each other a lot...

 

We went on,but unfortunately in December things in my family life just got worse and I had a hell of a time...he was around me,trying to help but in the meantime he felt very very frustrated about seeing me like that...and eventually,just when things seemed to get better,he told me that he can't take it any more and we broke up,again...

 

I made one of the hardest decisions in my life back then,and decided that I can not possibly lose him over things that are out of my control anyway,I need to live my own life and look at things differently.

So I did,and I thought everything would be great,but for some reason he didn't dare to believe in me...and he broke my heart when he told me that he might like one of my collagues,who was also my friend.As it turned out later,the only thing that caught him in her was that she seemed so careless and happy (not true,she just didn't show any negative emotion),which I still wasn't for him and he missed that...He told me he just can't believe that I changed and I ever will...however it turned out in about a day that he actually only thought he liked her because of all the bad things happening around me,he just needed some positive thing.

 

I was crying for about four days and was totally broke but then I just stood up and became very strong those days, I told him that I am very sorry if he doesn't see that I did change and I just stepped away...he told me to stay friends...I didn't call him or contact him,but he visited my every day and invited me out many times.We talked and I tried to give him a hint that I am still open to start it over by sayin that to make mistakes is normal,but if You realise that You made the wrong decision as long as You love someone there's always the chance and You should never give up...I just acted friendly with him and didn't force anything.Within a couple of days he came over to me and said that he is no more confused and knows what he wants and hopes that I won't be upset about it but he loves me, wants to be with me and will prove all this and he will do what he neevr did,fight for me to show me that he deserves me...

 

I thought everything will go great,I was soo happy,I love him so much...

But about a week and a half ago,on Saturday night I told him something in a way that upset him adn reminded him of all the bad things once again and we had a fight...on Sunday we were on the verge of breaking up again,but we sat down and talked a lot.

I needed to tell him that yes,I know it does take a long time to change,but it's not something that happens overnight,I just need time to learn to love myself and I told him how he could support me...which he alwasy wanted but never knew how to so he felt bad about it and ended up being negative with me...anyway,we talked a lot and we sorted out everything,we discussed that what we have is very precious and we love each other a lot,he said we'll sort out all my issues about myself...great!

He also told me that he really doesn't know how much I love him and that he is a bit scared by it because it is huge...

 

Last week started like a fairy tale,I had a couple of days off,a cooked for him and made a lot of effort to go on the way of changing by accepting totally his compliments and I really started to feel better...

We had a great time,he said he enjoyed it so much and loves me a lot...and then it happened...

 

Around Saturday I realised that he seemed a bit odd,he didn't really seem to be keen on being around me and I felt as if it was only me who wants the whole thing...I still was trying to get rid of this feeling by being positive and trying to pay attention to him but I started to lose my patience and got worried.

As it was quite weird,I told him how I felt and also that I think I am not going to try to initiate,I will wait for him to do so,because I am not clingy and don't want to seem like that...after that I asked him what his problem was and he said he doesn't know,it just comes and goes...

I asked him if he doesn't love he any more,because if it is so,just tell me and I will leave him alone...he said it is not the thing and I wouldn't understand...he also said that I know him,he had enough of all the problems and doesn't want to have any more...

I was devastated as I didn't understand why he says it now...he said that maybe we should try to go on a break but I just told him that I don't believe in that...

So I asked him if I am only problem to him and he said that in the future I might be...at that point I just couldn't take it any more and I told him that maybe it would be better for both of us not to talk ever again...and I told him I'm going to pack his things...(all this happened while we were working in a busy bar just around closing time...You can imagine)

...so we hadn't talked during Sunday,but on Monday I made a mistake and left a book for him in his locker...I didn't see him or talk to him.I just thought that maybe reading that book would help him to sort out his thoughts as it is a book about that,The Zahir by Paolo Coelho...I know I am silly.

However,Monday night he sent me a text thanking the book.I just replied shortly,nothing personal.

 

Yesterday afternoon he called me,as it turned out he only wanted his phone charger and said that he would pick up his other stuff as well.

So he came to my place..he decided to come up although he could have just gone as I took down his things when I opened the door...so he came up and we had a casual chat.I did my best and didn't show him how heartbroken I am or talked about any emotions or mentioned what happened.

He seemed very indifferent which kind of broke my heart as he harly even looked at me...after a little while,he just said bye and left.

I broke down again,despite the hard training of the last days of how to be strong...

 

So I decided that I am not going to try to persuade him or anything,he should realise if he is making a silly thing,which I think is, regarding that he said he loves me and I am cazy about him.

 

Today,however,I had a chat with our collague who adviced me that I should let him know that he can talk to me,just to give a hint that I am not totally separated from him...

So I sent him a text saying that if he once sorted out his thoughts and he thinks it is worth for both of us to speak about it he knows where to find me...

 

Just a little while ago he sent me a text saying that he doesn't really understand what I mean by that...

I answered that I only mean what I wrote...

 

He sent a text back asking me what I want to talk about...

 

So I didn't know what to say,I just replied to him saying that at this point about nothing,only once he sorted out his thoughts and he thinks it would be worth talking...

 

That's where I am now...I am so lost and heartbroken,I don't know

what to think,what to do,I just love him so much.

 

I am not going to run after him and humiliate myself,though.I know that I can not wait for him until the end of time to decide if he wants me or not,or if he is still confused.I also told him this at our Saturday break-up argument,that he can not behave with me as if I was a mop,only to use me when he thinks he needs me...

 

I know I should just try to move on,but I know we could have so many great things together and my philosopy is that if You love someone it can never be enough,even if it is hard.

He might just be scared because he doesn't see that the problems are there to be solved,and nothing can be without any problem anyway...

 

And what he thought to me is that You can step over the biggest obstacles if You see that there's something on the other side that is worth fighting for... for me it's Him.

These days I am trying to build myself,concentrate on my feelings and who I am,I read a lot,go to the park,try not to be swallowed by the pain,but it's very hard...

 

I need some guidance,really...

How should I behave now...?We'll definately meet for a little while on Friday and Saturday when we work together...

 

I would greatly appreciate Your support,Guys,and thank you for reading my story...

 

 

See You soon...

[GB111]

Dump him. He's not worth it, and you're too young to give a damn.

[blue skies]

I think he doesn't know what he wants. He is messing you about and this will only add to your feelings of lack of confidence from your childhood. Then, the next relationship you have, you will have the hurt from your childhood, PLUS the hurt from him. And you may feel more negative and test the next person. And then they will back off, and so it compounds through your life.

 

My best advice is to end with him and go and work through your issues. Whatever helps you to get strong and deal with them, do it. That is your best chance at having a healthy future.

 

 

You are young and can get through this. One day you will meet someone who will recognise what a strong and wonderful person you are, and will stand by you because of it, not run away because of the odd problem and make you feel even worse about them. That will be a relationship worth having.

 

blue skies