Total rant

[Walk]

I worked in excess of 120 hours per week and I did it as a normal lifestyle.. it was not unusual for me to work 24 or 48 or even 50 and sometimes 60-64 hours straight without sleep.

 

I never treated the women in my life like s*** and placed the blame on stress or my job.

 

Please put your foot down on his treatment of you and lay the boundary down in such a manner that he knows he will lose you if he continues treating you this way.

Dang Art, what'd you do for a living??

 

I guess partly it's because I do understand what working those kinds of hours will do to someone. I owned a business for several years, and worked 90-100 a week, on call 24/7. Did that for 5 years. 40 hour work weeks seem like some kind of plush vacation at that point. And I was so resentful of my ex who only worked 40 hours a week and had all kinds of time to do all the things he enjoyed. Of course, he couldn't even pick up the house... or get his own damn car... but that's a whole 'nother story...

 

This is my thought on how to approach it.. let me know if you see something flawed in this, or bad thinking...

 

So I'll go into it with an open mind, and listen to what he says on the matter, and try not to get defensive and hostile. (big problem for me.) Then state how his words and actions affected me, and.... hmm.. and what? What do I tell him? Without giving an ultimatum, or threat. I hate when people do that to me, and don't want to do that to him.

 

Any suggestions on how to approach this? I assume he's going to shift some of the blame to me. If you were in this situation, how would you deal with it? Just give him the ultimatum? Also, this man has gone out of his way for you on numerous occasions, and given you every single thing you've even mentioned possible wanting... emotionally as well as physcially. How would you handle it?

[Walk]

Art is so right. And I would have never added that last sentence either. Letting him off too easily and you're setting yourself up for being a doormat. That is NOT goddess behavior.

But I'm not a goddess, nor do I want to be. I'm human and I f*** up my fair share. I treat him as I expect to be treated, with fairness and comprimise. He realizes that I will walk if I feel a boundary is crossed, so I don't need to reiterate it anymore. Besides, I don't want him to change because he fears losing me, but to respect my wishes because he loves me.

[typical]

Dearest Walk;

 

Sounds to me like SOMEONE is taking advantage of their power in the relationship....And I dont mean you.

 

Also, his attitude smacks of self righteousness and I dont like it.

 

Regards,

Typical

[alphamale]

I'm done ranting, i guess. just pissed and hurt.

um...WALK, if you're not married to this dude...I could possibly be available

 

wow, a woman who actually cooks and cleans and takes care of her man. Fluffy towels? WOW!

[Walk]

um...WALK, if you're not married to this dude...I could possibly be available

 

wow, a woman who actually cooks and cleans and takes care of her man. Fluffy towels? WOW!

I never said I was a good cook, only that I am more then willing to attempt to cook. But if you like hamburgers we're golden. Or corn bread made from a box. HA

 

Whether good or bad, you tend to have the closest outlook on relationships as my bf. You two could be clones. Maybe I am dating you already. You sure your SO isn't on here right now? (just kidding.)

[Alexandra]

Has he gotten home yet? Has the talk taken place? And where are those Positive and Negative lists you promised yourself?

 

Tee hee just playing Jiminy Cricket and staying on your case...

[Walk]

Aw... I feel loved!!! You remembered.

 

No, he hasn't been home yet. He did call twice yesterday. Once to see how I was, and once to wish me good night and that he loved me. We have an agreement that any problems in the relationship will be talked about when he's home, not on the phone. So we haven't discussed anything yet.

 

I'm gonna list them on here, and hopefully people won't think it's annoying.

 

Positive:

* Willing to adapt

* Affectionate

* talks about problems

* Shows great concern for my welfare

* willing to understand my view of a situation

* supportive of my goals and interests

* Listens attentively

* More concerned about my happiness than his

* Will give the shirt off his back

* Willing to help with any problem

* Also willing to step aside so I can deal with problems

* Believes in me & my abilities

* Demonstrates his love (phsycially and verbally)

* Thinks of me first.

* Sacrifices time and money to help me with something that doesnt' directly benefit him.

* Encourages me to keep close ties with my family.

* Helps my family, and always willing to go out of his way for them.

(There's more, but for the sake of brevity I'll stop here.)

 

Negative:

* When upset, he withdrawls completely.

* Places himself in role of martyr, and then feels hurt and used.

* Shows aspects of a controlling personality.

* Finds fault in others quickly.

* Discounts ideas that aren't within his experience

* Mood swings

* Has a huge ego to compensate for his insecurities.

* Holds grudges

* Sets rules and demands in areas that affect him. (greeting him at the door)

* Sometimes holds me back by not allowing me to do certain things. (anything considered a "man's" job)

* Quick to make fun of me, but gets hurt if I do same back to him.

* needy.

* Quick to anger, and stays angry for a long time.

(I could probably come up with more, usually have a long list when I'm angry)

 

Areas he's made effot and change in:

* Brings up past problems that had been worked through. (He's stopped this)

* Has a hard time accepting his portion of blame. (Will apologize now)

* Lectures instead of communicating (Stops himself and asks me how I saw things, or feel on it.)

* He says things that really hurt me. (Now when I bring it up he attempts to understand why, apologizes for it. If he catches himself, he apologizes immediately.)

* Sometimes discounts my feelings and thoughts if conflict with his. (Is more willing to accept we disagree and not lecture until I give in.)

 

-----

The changes are big for him. I'd never heard an apology from him for over a year. He had the philosophy of it was his way or the highway, and he's slowly come to the conclusion that he can't function that way in a healthy relationship. Sometimes he falls back into that mentality when he feels hurt though. He no longer (very unusual to happen now) tells me I'm wrong if I am hurt by his words or actions. He attempts to understand why, and even if he can't, then he still accepts that I was hurt by it and makes amends.

 

I've seen him go from basically an intolerant ass who didn't need anyone (good guy hidden in there), to a man who's really putting effort into comprimise and mutual respect. Most the time anyway. He still falls back into these ass moments where I just want to beat his brains in. Like the one that started this thread.

 

And maybe I just see what I want to see, but I don't think so. He's romantic, spontaneous, hillariously funny, intelligent and witty, giving, and has the biggest heart I've ever seen. When I first met him I'd broken my back. He drove 45 miles to shovel out my drive so I could go to work. Last fall, my first day of classes, he searched a parking lot of over 3000 cars just to place a single red rose and I love you note on my windshield. He really wants a PS2 (been drooling over it for months now) and he finally had the money for it... but he gave me the money to use for school, without a second thought. He goes out of his way for me in nearly ever humanly possible way. These are just an extremely few incidents of what he's done.

[Touche]

But I'm not a goddess, nor do I want to be. I'm human and I f*** up my fair share. I treat him as I expect to be treated, with fairness and comprimise. He realizes that I will walk if I feel a boundary is crossed, so I don't need to reiterate it anymore. Besides, I don't want him to change because he fears losing me, but to respect my wishes because he loves me.

 

Grr! I KNEW you were going to say that about the goddess thing. It was kind of tongue in cheek, Walk. But I did have a point. And yes, he should change because he love you.

[Alexandra]

Aw... I feel loved!!! You remembered.

 

Allow me to say... DUH!

 

No, he hasn't been home yet. He did call twice yesterday. Once to see how I was, and once to wish me good night and that he loved me. We have an agreement that any problems in the relationship will be talked about when he's home, not on the phone. So we haven't discussed anything yet.

 

That's a great resolution, very wise, very diplomatic. When you do talk to him please remember all those little things that make for good communication. Body language (take his hand, look into his eyes, nod when you agree, lean towards him, sounds like crap pop psy but it works) as well as the right ways to put issues ("I absolutely understand how you feel, I do wish you understand I feel X as well..." loads of "I do love you and am eager to work this out, I know we can ding the right way to do so, it's just that at times I feel like...." and so on). Make a mental list of issues you'd like to bring up, of the ones that you can compromise on as well as the ones that you want to stand your firm ground on.

 

I'm gonna list them on here, and hopefully people won't think it's annoying.

 

Why would they think it's annoying?

 

Granted many are doubles but 17 positives and 13 negatives coupled with 5 crucial issues he's working on are a great result to the exercise, I think. I even more admire you for fighting and growing now.

 

I disagree with Touche's point (that's not to say I don't love her to bits) and I am sure she does much of the communication and compromise in her successful relationship too. Besides we're all grown ups. We know someone can't fully "change" for love or other reasons. That they can change the way they react towards situations, specific behaviours, etc, heck yes. That they can alter their essence? C'mon. And he's doing the change, he's working on it. It's what counts.

 

And maybe I just see what I want to see, but I don't think so. He's romantic, spontaneous, hillariously funny, intelligent and witty, giving, and has the biggest heart I've ever seen.

 

Do you see him through pink glasses? Sure! Pink enough to make you irrational and take any logics away from you? Nope.

[RecordProducer]

Walk, by what you wrote about him, he sounds like a good person with some human faults, willing to work on his personality. Sounds like he loves you and cares about you and your well-being also. I don't think he is abusive or bad. If you love him, keep working on your relationship. It takes a lot of love, patience, and effort. Don't forget to enjoy yourself too!